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Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Have I told you about my first born?

When I was expecting my first child I was torn between wanting a boy first (clearly so he could protect the little sister that I knew would come along) and wanting a daughter first, because let's face it, girl clothes are way cuter.  I was thrilled when I found out my first child was going to be a boy.  I remember feeling like he and I had a secret all the time.  I would talk to him, I knew his every movement.  I felt his hiccups and his somersaults.  It was such a magical time in my life.  When he was born in a way I was born too.  I became a mom.  And that defined me for the next 17 years.  It was my calling.  It was my mission in life.  THIS was my mark on the world.  These little people that God trusted me to mold and shape and love and understand.  I took no other role as seriously in my life.  I love my children, all three of them.  But this post is about my first born.  He will be 22 next month (gulp).....he's a man.  But part of him will always be my little baby boy.

He's gorgeous, just saying.  Utterly beautiful to look at.  He gives THE best hugs in the world, but only if you are special enough to be worthy of them.  He's very selective on who he lets into his life.  He always has been.  I'm the lucky one.  He chooses me as his confidant more times then not.  We had a really tough time from around the time of his 17th birthday until about 6 months ago.  I wondered at times if we would ever be close again.  It was the worst heartbreak of my life if I'm being honest (and I always am).  When a relationship breaks up it hurts, but when it's your child....and a child that you have been closer to than nearly anyone's soul crushing.  But, we are back on track now, thankfully and I am ever so grateful. For any of you going through the growing pains of the 17-21 year old here's my only advice----ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE.  You don't always have to like them but it's necessary to love them.  You are their lifeline.  Their strength. They need you even if they don't seem to.

Yesterday I found myself frustrated with him.  When your kids are adults it's sometimes challenging to allow them to be who they are without losing your mind.  We are still navigating the parent/adult child relationship and learning how it works.  Just as we've learned everything else together as he is "the crash test child" (his words).  This morning we were back on track.  We had some time alone (a rarity these days) and I am learning that this is my time to just listen to him and not try to interject anything, even if he asks for my opinion.  He needs a sounding board.  I'm it.  He has taught me so much about how men think.  He and his brother are similar yet so different that I have a wide spectrum on how the male mind thinks.  (I could have REALLY used this when I was a teenager.)  I used to be a bit of a male basher (yes, I'm ashamed!) but now?  I think men are amazing, misunderstood and true gifts from God if loved unconditionally.

He spends time with his siblings doing what they want to do.  He takes an interest in their day to day lives.  I've heard him tell them both that "this is it.  The four of us?  It's all that matters.  You need to give the best to us and vice versa.  Everyone else?  Just extra.  We are what matters!."  He showed me today that he started bank accounts for his younger siblings and explained how he makes the deposits and what they are based on.  This brought me to tears.  This child (man) is so much more than anyone else sees.  He has been labeled, criticized, judged, hurt, bullied and ostracized since he was little.  People have never seen the side of him that I do.  That his siblings do.  It sucks to be them, because he's truly a bright light in a world of darkness.  He refused to show people the real him unless they prove their worthiness to him.  The woman that is fortunate enough to share his life with him will be a very lucky lady.  That will mean she cared enough to see through the exterior he shows to the world and loved him enough to see past his quirks.  I pray every day for her.  She will be welcomed into our family with open arms.  And she will know.....she's getting an amazing man, and I will still look at him like my baby boy....the one that I grew up with....the one that made me a mom. <3 p="">
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