Funny, my last post was about the void inside of me. I found an old blog entry from New Years Day 2014 that I never posted....it describes where I was then. No joy. Numbness. hmmmm...seems to be a pattern in my life. I could pretty much have written that post every New Years day for the last 30 some years. Not this year. And I'm pretty sure I will never write anything of the sort ever again.... Let me post what I had written. I think it will help anyone who is trying to find the joy in their life. I had good intentions. I tried to decide what made me happy, that's a big start. It's a definite way of finding what makes you tick. For the longest time I had no idea what made me happy. My happiness was wrapped up in the happiness of others...one day I looked at my kids and realized they were growing up and I was going to be on my own at some point. Yikes. What would I do with myself? That began my journey to self discovery. Finally, at some point in the last year I became really happy with the person I saw in the mirror. Not physically necessarily. I still have some work to do with that portion of my self love, but I really fell in strong like with the inner being I had become. It changed everything else. It made me not want to be around anyone or anything that made me feel less than peaceful and happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a really good friend to those people I choose to have in my life. I still drop everything to answer the phone if my nieces call. I'm still a really devoted mom. But I no longer let every one's issues become my issues. I'm able to not allow it to affect me the way it used to. I realize I can't fix every one's problems and it's not my job to. But, that doesn't make me a bad friend, Aunt, mother, sister ....you get the drift. Here's the post I found...
HAPPY NEW YEAR…I GUESS
POSTED ON JANUARY 1, 20142014 IS HERE—I’VE WAITED FOR IT, THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AMAZING AND I HAD SUCH HOPES FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON. THEY FELL FLAT. EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS FALLING FLAT LATELY. I FEEL NUMB. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND TRIED TO MEDITATE (I’VE BEEN SIDETRACKED THROUGH MOST OF DECEMBER AND NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN) AND REALIZED I FEEL NOTHING. A LITTLE SADNESS, BUT MOSTLY NOTHING. SURE, I LAUGH AND SMILE AND JOKE AROUND, BUT INSIDE—DEAD. THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT—I HAVE NO JOY IN MY LIFE. DON’T GET ME WRONG, I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE. I HAVE 3 AMAZING KIDS, A FAMILY THAT LOVES ME, FRIENDS WHO CARE ABOUT ME, 2 DOGS, A FANTASTIC JOB, AN EX HUSBAND WHO STILL LEAVES ME TO RAISE MY KIDS ANYWAY I WANT TO AND DOESN’T TRASH ME TO THE WORLD, 2 HEALTHY PARENTS WHO I ADORE AND ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. SO WHAT’S SHE BITCHING ABOUT YOU ASK….NOTHING BRINGS ME JOY—THAT HAPPINESS INSIDE OF YOU THAT BUBBLES OUT OF YOUR EYES AND MAKES YOUR HEART SWELL. I NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT BRINGS ME JOY.
IT JUST SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS SO BUSY ALL THE TIME (I AM TOO, A SINGLE, WORKING MOM WHO IS SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING MY YOUNGER 2 KIDS TO EVERY ACTIVITY, PARTY, SCHOOL EVENT ETC.) THAT THEY DON’T THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NOT JOYFUL. BUT most of us have had THAT JOY, THAT SPARK THAT AMAZING FEELING OF HAPPINESS at some point in our lives, but let's be honest--it hasn't lasted, YOU LOSE IT—YOU REALIZE IT’S GONE AND YOU WANT IT BACK SO BADLY YOU’LL DO ALMOST ANYTHING.
LAST NIGHT THE KIDS AND I (AND MY SON’S GIRLFRIEND) MAKE HAPPINESS/BLESSING/THANKFUL JARS FOR 2014 WITH THE INTENTION OF PUTTING IN 2 GOOD THINGS EVERY DAY THAT HAPPENED TO US. I’M HOPING THIS TRIGGERS MY JOY METER. I’M REALLY A VERY SIMPLE PERSON, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS SO HARD FOR ME. I DON’T NEED STUFF, I’M NOT MATERIALISTIC AT ALL. I’M HOPING THAT WRITING WILL UNLEASH WHATEVER IS INSIDE OF ME BLOCKING MY HAPPINESS.
THINGS I ENJOY
-A RELAXING CUP OF COFFEE IN THE MORNING
-GOING TO THE MOVIES AND SEEING A GOOD ROMANTIC COMEDY OR EVEN A KIDS MOVIE OR JUST A COMEDY
-WHEN MY HOUSE IS CLEAN AND ORGANIZED AND NOT MESSY–BRINGS ME JOY YET CAN’T SEEM TO OBTAIN IT CONSISTENTLY
-COOKING AND HAVING MY FAMILY ENJOY THE MEAL – MY FAMILY WENT FROM 5 TO 3 RECENTLY -MAYBE THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS NOT BRINGING ME AS MUCH JOY.
-COMPLETING MY TO DO LIST–OR COMING CLOSE
-HAVING COFFEE OR LUNCH OR DINNER WITH A GOOD FRIEND. BUT SOMETIMES THAT JUST MAKES ME SADDER, DEPENDING ON THE DAY- SOMETIMES I MONOPOLIZE THE CONVERSATION OR THEY DO AND THAT JUST DOESN’T MAKE ME HAPPY. I LIKE IT WHEN IT BALANCES OUT AND WE BOTH GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT–THAT HAPPENS WITH MY SISTER AND MY FRIEND LAURA MOSTLY. I HAVE ONE FRIEND THAT I JUST MONOPOLIZE EVERYTHING WITH AND THE OTHERS, WELL IT’S MOSTLY ABOUT THEM.
-SITTING ON THE BEACH AND WATCHING MY KIDS PLAY IN THE OCEAN.
-WATCHING MY SONS BECOME BEST FRIENDS AFTER YEARS OF IT BEING NOT THAT WAY.
SO, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO TO FIND THIS JOY? I’M GOING TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT AND FIND THAT JOY IN EVERY ONE.
HAPPY NEW YEAR….YES IT WILL BE!HAPPY NEW YEAR…I GUESS
Last year (February 2015) was by far the darkest time in my life. Worse than when my 10 year old had cancer, yes, you read that right. My mother was terminally ill and passed away (yes, the year before I said I had 2 healthy parents...never know how quickly things can change)and my oldest son was struggling and there was nothing I could do to help him. I felt like I was drowning, I couldn't get my head out from under the water. I was scared and sad and I felt a despair I never even imagined was possible. It made New Years 2014 look like Christmas morning for God's sake. But I'm here to tell you that even at your lowest possible moment....it will get better! Even the most horrible situation will eventually heal and if you ALLOW yourself to feel better, you will!
Recently, I've been lucky enough to be the happiest I have EVER been in my life. Every morning I wake up with this joy bubbling over out of my body, it is insane! It is the most incredible feeling I've ever had. And it's constant. It's literally every second of every day---I'm not lying. If you've read my previous entries you know I don't sugar coat, I'm not Willie Wonka. This is a true situation. It is possible! The fairy tale? Underrated....understated....it can be better than you even imagine! I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful. I don't feel even a tiny bit guilty that I've found it. I do feel badly for those who don't have it yet. But my mission is to help anyone and everyone find it. Everyone should feel this good. No, I'm not taking narcotics. No, I haven't lost my mind. I'm here to tell you that Euphoria is REAL and possible....and now that I have it, I will never settle for anything less. Neither should you! You're worth it.....