I'm proud of who I am No more monsters, I can breathe again

 Anger…. I’ve always felt it was a useless emotion.  I admit to being very angry in the past.  Anger was my go to emotion for a very long time.  I figured that out less than 10 years ago- far too late, but better late than never I suppose.  I realized that somehow anger felt more powerful than the feelings it was masking (sadness, despair, being hurt, treated unfairly).  When I showed the underlying emotions I was labeled weak or those emotions were used against me.  Anger was safe. Trust me- I may only be 5’2” tall but when I was angry -look out!  My tongue was sharp and cruel and you can ask the many hairbrushes I smashed and my sons’ lightsabers that I broke over my leg what that fury was.  It seems like another lifetime ago and I hate looking back at her.  Ugly. Just ugly.  But what was underneath that anger was so much pent up hurt and disappointment and trying to hold it all together alone so that no one would see how broken I truly was.  And guilt.  Oh the guilt for being unhappy.  So it came out as anger.  I thought I had healed it all.  Purged it all out.  Apparently not.  This week’s full moon brought these buried emotions up and it shocked me for sure!  It came out of no where and took hold of me in a way I barely remember.  And I do NOT like feeling angry, but you have to feel it to heal it.  So I did some more soul searching and realized apparently I’ve been holding on to a lot of old emotions.  I had to figure out what and why and who was causing this.  Not pleasant.  I think I’ve spent the last 3 days crying and writing and crying some more.  I would like to think it’s all out but who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️. I decided to write letters to the people that I feel the most hurt by.  The list was longer than I expected.  I will never send them, obviously!  In fact I need to burn them because if anyone got a hold of them 😳.  But now I can let all that go.  I need to accept the fact that I’ll never receive an apology or closure or anything that ties it up in a nice pink bow.  So I need to give that to  myself.  I need to forgive myself for taking blame that didn’t belong to me. For carrying the burden of others actions thinking somehow it was my fault when it wasn’t. I have accepted responsibility for my mistakes but I will no longer make excuses or take the blame for other people’s actions.  

I’m getting ready for a whole new chapter in my life and there’s no room for these situations in the future.  I realize releasing it was my way of closing the book on those situations. You can’t write a new chapter if you keep rereading the old ones.  What are you carrying with you that would make your life so much lighter if you just set it down.  Is it even yours to carry?  Do yourself a favor and take a look and see if you have emotions to need to release—-make it a better day in the life.