I think you should know what you've done, you get what you deserve

 

Just when I think I have healed my inner self something else pops up and here we go again!  This week was a tough one - a lot of astrological things, new moon - I felt it all.  But that's ok.  I am used to it by now and I was actually anticipating it.  By this time I sometimes look forward to the deep diving into my soul and what still needs to be addressed.  This was one of those times.  Let's see what I discovered and maybe.....it can help you ask yourself the same questions?

First of all - I realized that I am brave and my faith is truly not something everyone else has.  I am getting ready to move again and God has put a new place on my heart - one I never would have ever imagined.  Another place I have never visited -  every day there are more signs and more conviction on my heart.  Does that mean I am not scared?  No, it definitely doesn't.  Truth be told I am terrified.  Will that stop me?  Never.  When I know that something is sent to me by the divine and I wait until I am sure I am not misunderstanding - nothing can stop me.  I have realized that most people don't understand this AT ALL.  They pretend to, they try to be supportive but inside they are thinking "She is out of her mind!"  That's ok.  It is not for anyone else to understand.  This is why I keep things quiet at this point of my life.  I used to be an open book.  I would tell anyone everything that I thought, what went on in my head and my life.  I mistakenly thought people were honest and transparent.  If I say something - I mean it.  I realize now----that is rare.  Most people just talk to hear themselves and to make themselves look a certain way to the outside world.  That is just not something I can do.  So, my life has changed drastically.  The amount of people I have in my life that I share my inner thoughts and feelings with are close to none.  And I am okay with that.  I don't get my feelings hurt that way.  Which brings me to yesterday's epiphany.

I haven't journaled lately.  I would sit down to write and nothing would come out, I could not get my thoughts to process.  It happens every once in a while.  Yesterday, I was hurt and angry and the words spilled out.  Now that I know my worth - I will except nothing less than what I deserve from people and situations.  I am tired of being someone's convenience - to being forgotten about unless they need someone to talk to who actually gives a shit about them.  This is why my phone is silent.  Why I can go days without a call or text message unless it's work related.  There are certain people that I have given my all to for 30 some years or more and they have dismissed me like I never existed.  It makes me angry.  Why do people not appreciate my presence in their life?  The sacrifices I have made?  The love I have given unconditionally?  Then I realized....am I angry at them or myself?  I was raised to "do the right thing".  I still hear by parents voices sometimes - you HAVE to do that - it's the RIGHT thing to do.  Really?  Is it?  Then why don't people do the same for me?  "It doesn't matter, you have to be the bigger person" - do I ?  Yea not so much anymore.  I struggle as a parent to not drill that into my kids now that they are adults.  I do my best to allow them to decide for themselves how much bullshit they take in a situation.  Even if I don't agree with them because that inner child inside of me gets a knot in my stomach because that is not how I was raised and how I raised them.  But now?  No.  I want them to choose themselves over people that don't value them or treat them the way they deserve to be treated.  I still struggle with it, but luckily I have a younger, stronger version of me in my daughter who gives it to me straight.

I am at a point right now that I am not going to give 100 percent of myself to anything in my life that does not appreciate it.  I do not expect 100 percent of anyone, I have learned that the hard way.  Most people don't love the way I do and that's okay.  They have their own reasons and ways of dealing with life.  However, for the first time in my life I will draw the line in the sand and not allow repeat offenders to step over it.  Even if they are sorry - that doesn't mean they can continuously hurt me and have me be okay with it.  And (I am sorry Pop) blood doesn't make that any different.  Just because I share DNA with someone does not mean they get to shit on me over and over again.  I feel peace in that statement .  

Oops text from my son asking for the spaghetti and meatball receipe - this - this is what brings me joy!!!!  Ok, back to choosing yourself.

I was truly upset yesterday because I realized that people take me for granted in their life.  And I realize I am the only person that can change that.  There was a storm here in Florida - did anyone check to see if I was ok?  No.  But I am used that.  My daughter and I were joking yesterday and she said "two women found surrounded by donuts and coffee weeks later - not sure when they expired". and we then thought about it - how long would it take for someone to check on us?  Our boss would probably get suspicious after a day but he would have no idea how to check on us - I said no next of kin.  But it is true! My son would get suspicious but we don't talk every day - so I don't know when he'd get nervous.  I remember calling the police when my siblings and I hadn't heard from my parents for 2 days.  We did a wellness check - they were so mad!  They went away for the weekend and didn't tell us.  Maybe times have changed.  But I need to change with the times.  I am not going to give all of myself anymore to people just because it's "the right thing to do".  Does this sound bitter and nasty?  Maybe.  Maybe it is.  Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.  But today....this is the day in my life....