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I don't have it all figured out. Hell, somedays I wonder how I got this far in life with how little I know. But somedays I have an epiphany and I feel pretty good. I have been in a very isolated state since I moved to Florida in 2016. I have never made any friends here, so my interactions in person have been next to nothing. I have not missed it. I tried making a book club back in 2018 and every person that joined was a person who showed me why I avoid people. Truth....rude....harsh...but true. The only people I interacted with were people I knew from my past. Recently I was in Arizona visiting my creme filling son and I met up with one of my very dear friends who I haven't seen in person in at least 8 years. Wow. It felt like coming home. Although we talk and text there is nothing like fighting over who is going to pay the check and having a 5 hour breakfast and closing down the cafe. We laughed until we cried....we cried because we're moms and women and people and life gets hard. It was so damn good for my soul. We made a pact to keep in touch more frequently and we have....every single day. (ps thanks for the title!)
So this morning I was thinking about how lucky I am to have more than 1 person in my life who just gets me and who feel comfortable being 100 percent honest and themselves with me. I was telling my daughter that several of my friends have been in my life for over 30 years! I am no where near the same person I was 30 years ago and how lucky am I that these friendships have lasted throughout all phases of life and how many others have come and gone in the meantime. Each person in your life is there for a reason, they have brought something that was needed for one or both of you.
I have been struggling lately to figure out what my purpose is in life. Being in Arizona with 2 of my 3 children made me realize that my purpose in their lives is definitely not what it used to be. I had a feeling of being irrelevant really. It made me think about how my mom must have felt when she would come and visit and she didn't necessarily fit into my life at the time, and when my siblings and I were together she must have felt the same way. It's the circle of life, I know that. And I am happy my kids are independent and strong. It was not a pity party but a realization that my purpose has changed. So it got me thinking once again about how I view myself and what my purpose is. 60 is just around the corner and I am not going to lie - it terrifies me. I have never looked or felt my age. It has always been just a number. But this one is really lurking there trying to take me down.
What exactly have I accomplished in those 60 years? Well....I accomplished my goals to be a wife and a mother. Failed at the first one miserably - and the second one? Well the jury is still out. If you listen to my sons there is a laundry list of things I did wrong or should have done. Not much praise from that side either. So....what have I really accomplished? Not a lot. If I were to leave this earth tomorrow, what would I be remembered for? And by who? Not sure about that one. My father has left SUCH a legacy that he is spoken about daily. My son feels his presence all the time. My mom? Well that goes without saying - my daughter feels her constantly and I strive to be half the woman she was - I have their handwriting tattooed on my body!
How does one leave a legacy like that behind?
I guess it really doesn't matter because I can't change the past and I have always done the best that I can in any given situation so no regrets. But what can I do now? What can I do in this last season of my life to make my life one that I can celebrate.... I am totally not sure, but I do know that I will figure it out - and that God has a plan for this season, He just isn't showing me yet. In fact, He's taken away my greatest tool - my intuition. Can't trust it for anything anymore. I see you God - I get it - you want me to rely on you and you alone. Well here I am Lord ---Show me the way. Make tomorrow not just a day in the life.
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