Easy like Sunday mourning...

 

This morning I woke up (if you can call it that - I was literally up every hour 19 minutes past the hour) and I felt unnerved.  It is Sunday - the most perfect day of the week for me - so literally What the fuck?  I slept in (I need to not do that, it is NOT good for me) and felt like I had lost my best friend.  I did my usual, grabbed my coffee and went to start my morning routine.  I started with my journal because lately after doing my gratitude, time with God and prayer journal I have nothing to say in my journal because I feel so good.  So today I started backwards.  And out it flowed.  Tomorrow marks the 10 year anniversary of losing my mom.  10 years - how?  It feels like yesterday, how have 10 years passed? It made me think of all that has happened since she left and then it all started flowing.  Losing her was so painful, but during that time the other part of my life ended and I believe that is what I am still grieving.  I hadn't thought about it before in that way.  My daughter and I always talk about the last decade being so painful and with so many changes and we firmly believe this next decade will be one of peace and happiness.  We have definitely earned it.  I think she has for sure.  When I look at life from her point of view the fact that she is as magical as she is shocks me.  But, you'll have to read her blog for that stuff - she is a gifted writer and not afraid to share her journey.  https://substack.com/@thechakrafairy

But this is about my grief and what I realized this morning I am grieving.  I am grieving my fairy tale, my happily ever after.  My dream of having that home with the welcoming front porch covered in grandchildren and my children close by.  Holidays and dinners with me in the kitchen with my loving husband as we exchange knowing glances as we watch the grandchildren play and our adult children playing a game at the table or simply watching something on TV and catching up on life and their views. This....this was my lifelong dream and it's one that I am realizing I need to let go of.  It's not in the cards for me - my first grandbaby is being born across the country this year, my oldest son is not in my life and that loving husband has never materialized.  And after writing in my gratitude journal about how grateful I am for the life I have I said I am always feeling like there should be more - and that other people have these grand dreams and plans and I don't.  I am quite content with my life and I KNOW how lucky and blessed I am - every single day.  I have things that a lot of people long for - I have faith, and peace and dare I say happiness these days.  But in order to fully embrace all the good in my life, I have to grieve what is left behind.  

As I wrote a letter to my mom this morning and I told her about all the things I have to be grateful for she reminded me of what I had lost on the way to this point.  That is where it all came out.  My dreams and goals from when I was a little girl were so very different than most people.  I achieved them, but they don't look the way I had hoped.  And that's okay - life rarely looks the way you thought it would, but that doesn't make if any less blessed.  It is also okay to mourn the life you thought you would have, just don't set up camp and stay there.  Because today is a beautiful day in the life.

It's Me - Hi - I'm the problem it's me.....or is it?

This week was full of dreams that I could not remember when I woke up, but I knew they were somehow significant.  My friend Jill tells me that your subconscious does a lot of healing while you sleep, and the dreams help you process emotions that might be too hard to process when you are awake.  I never really thought about dreams before because I never remembered having them until probably this past year or so.  Chat GPT is fantastic for interpreting your dreams when you remember them.  This week I couldn't.  Probably for the best. But it has left me wondering (as usual) what it is that I am doing wrong in my life.  There are people that I have loved completely and wholly, and they just are not in my life anymore.  I am taken for granted (I feel) by most people that I love completely.  Is it me?  Am I the problem?  I have wracked my brain for years to figure out why the people I love so completely have hurt me so deeply and tossed me aside like yesterday's trash. I am just not important enough for people to choose me. What am I doing wrong?  So, I've altered my personality as much as I can.  I do not allow people to have access to all of me anymore.  I have chosen to put myself first and avoid things that make me feel awful.  I am a firm believer that if you can't change something, you need to let it go.  I want to teach everyone this important fact.  If there is something in your life that you can change - DO IT!  What the hell are you waiting for?  Why live with something that keeps repeating itself if you have the power to change it?  Swallow your damn pride and ego and just DO IT!  I have.  Many, many times.  I have learned how to take accountability when I have done something wrong.  I have learned to apologize (something I could not do in my earlier decades).  I have learned to change the things that I can change, whether that be my address, my job, my circle of people, my weight, my diet, my routines - whatever the case may be.  But what about the things I can't?

So, I stay in my bubble.  I cannot force someone to choose me, to choose to have me in their life, to accept me for who I am.  I cannot force someone to include me - to include me in their life, in their heart. So, I do what I need to do to accept that.  To accept that sometimes the people that you love so deeply just don't care enough to love you back.  But if this happens repeatedly - am I the problem?  What am I doing that makes me so disposable to the people I love the most?  I asked my friend Jill that this morning and as ALWAYS, she says the perfect thing.  She builds me up in a way that a best friend does.  But that's just it, she's my best friend OF COURSE she wants me in her life every day, as I do with her.  And my daughter.  My beautiful, incredible daughter.  She is so fiercely protective of me she wants to destroy every person who makes me feel this way.  She repeats things I have told her in the past and how can I argue with my own advice?  Makes it a bit difficult.  So, I did what I normally do - I tried to do a brain dump.  Perhaps weepy music wasn't the best choice, because I am not sad today.... today I am angry.  I am fucking pissed off that I can't fix this.  I am a fixer, a problem solver - that is what I do!  My bosses tell me all the time - you are such a great problem solver because you think outside of the box.  Yea - this is true.  I do.  But this particular issue is something I can't seem to change, no matter what I try.  So, I do what I do - I walk away.  I stop caring.  I focus on myself.  And that usually works!  But this past week or so I have had these people brought into my thoughts and life in a way I have no control over.  So, I can't avoid the thoughts.  And where, in the past, I would cry and be sad for what I have lost, today?  I am pissed off.  I deserve better!  I deserve people who love me and want me in their life and appreciate all the love I have given.  And how dare they just cast me aside like I don't matter!  Well guess what?  It is their loss, and I know this!  Deep down in my core I do.  But I never want to be that person who doesn't take accountability for my part in any of it.  So, I go around in circles to figure out what I have done wrong to bring me to this point and how can I change it going forward?  How can I ensure that the new people finding their way into my life don't hurt me in the way that these loved ones have?  I have worked really hard to break down all the protective walls I built over the majority of my life so that I CAN love completely and allow people in.  Do I need to build them up again?  I think I do where these people are concerned, but do I need to do it going forward with new people?  I hope not.  I hope I can find the right people who will love me as completely as I love them.  People that appreciate me the way I appreciate them.  Cherish me the way I cherish them.  I am extremely careful of who I let into my inner circle, who I share my heart and soul with.  I guess I need to be a bit more careful in the future. 

 Because every day should be an important day in the life!

You never know what's gonna happen You make your plans and you hear God laughing

 

Today was a doozy.  I have started a morning routine that truly suits me well and I am getting into the groove of it.  Part of it is taking some time to just be quiet and journal what I hear God speaking to my heart.  It has been very eye opening to say the least and it's become one of the favorite parts of my day.  And then today --- God said be silent, be still.  Now I cannot write those words without thinking of Freddie Prinze Jr. in the movie "She's All That" but, I digress.  I giggled to myself and waited for the rest of God's wisdom to come through.  Nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.  Pen poised, I waited.  Nope.  That was it.  Alrighty, next on the to do list.  So I assumed (ahhh why, oh WHY do I ever do that? - I am 60 years old, have I not learned yet?  Apparently not.) that today would be quiet and nothing much would happen.  And then this afternoon I got two texts back to back and a phone call and 2 things that I have felt strongly were coming soon happened.  Bam.  In the span of 5 minutes God answered prayers.  Not in the way I thought it would happen.  Not the outcome that I completely hoped for - BUT it is what I've prayed for and I went from one moment of status quo to the next moment - really big changes!  As I waited for the phone call that one of the text promised I was making tuna fish and I suddenly felt such nervousness I knew there was no way I could eat.  My daughter asked "Are you nervous or are you excited???"  Hmmm good question - no clue how to tell the difference at this point, so I said "well, it has proved to me once again that God can change everything in an instant - good or bad"

I can look back on my life, and I often do, to how one moment changed everything at various times in my life.  Sometimes things build up to the big change, but most of the time it changes in one moment.   Meeting someone randomly and that person becomes someone so significant in my life.  I remember when I was 15 turning 16 I was working at a local Carvel and this group of boys that I used to hang out with came to visit me at work.  One of them was THE boy (at the time) - little did I know that the company snitch was sitting out in the parking lot watching me while I worked and she called the boss and they came in and fired me on the spot.  Did I think - oh my father is going to kill me! - no.  Did I think my friend who got me the job was going to be mad?  Ummm nope.  I walked back with the boys in the snow and after having dinner at THE boys house by the end of the night I had a boyfriend and I was over the moon!  Job?  What job?  I was turning 16 and he liked me back - ahhh to be 16 again.   So in a matter of mere moments I was unemployed and had a boyfriend.  Talk about major life changes!  Other changes are more gradual - one day you're in high school the next you graduate - but you have 4 years to get used to that change.  One day you're single, the next your married - but again - there is a build up to that.  One day you are not a parent and the next moment you are - but again - 9 months leading up to that change.

I am a planner - always have been.  I knew I wanted to be married for 5 years and have my kids 4 years apart.  1994 - 1998 and 2003 (she had to be delayed for insurance purposes 😉.) It was not until I got the nudge to move to Arizona that I realized - my plans are not necessarily God's plans.  For a control freak like I was this was not an easy realization.  But - I followed my faith and it has grown stronger every year.  Even through the unexpected turns that I never saw coming and certainly never asked for.  But when I look back I can see why things happened the way they did.  Today's changes certainly did not happen the way I thought they would, but it still changed life as I know it in 10 minutes time.  I looked up to thank God and I swear I saw my mom in the kitchen with a pot - stirring it, with a huge smile on her face.  (and now I am crying)  I know she has been working overtime up there to get me to where I am suppose to be.

I am very excited (not nervous - well maybe a little) to see what is next.  I know this year will be a life changing one in many ways and it is off to a really great start.  I am open to the changes and new people it will bring my way.  No matter what is coming next I know that God has my back and there is my very own blonde angel in the kitchen stirring the pot to make sure that my life is as sweet as the pudding she used to make me when I was a little girl.  Remember, it's not always just a day in the life!