Sign, sign everywhere a sign, Do this - don't do that - can't you read the signs?

 

Signs.  I remember when I first started receiving signs from above.  I would be SO excited when I saw an angel number (1111, 222, 333, 444 etc) and it became such a confirmation for me.  Just like anything else in life, you become immune to that and it becomes just a normal occurrence.  I also question every single thing lately so signs are like a joke to me.  However, ever the optimist I was writing a letter to my mom last week and I asked her for a sign.  A big one.  I said I didn't even know what sign I wanted or what I wanted it to mean (super helpful Tee...great job).  Anyway, later that day my friend told me that she heard the song Moon River 3 different times that day and by a specific artist (ummm would it be Andy Williams?---duh). I knew that was my mom reaching out to me through her because ummm I am a bit of a sceptic these days.   She also sent another song that shocked the bejeezus out of me but ok....I got it.  Later that day someone else told me something that I knew immediately was from my mom.  I literally laughed out loud.  Ok ok I give....I know my mom is watching over me and handling things.  I said to my daughter - I wonder why Yaya sent the signs to other people?  To which she looked at me with a smirk (that actually looks so much like mine it was comical) Uhhhhh. HELLOOO!  You could ask for a giant purple tonka truck and you would see it and be like I'm not sure-----  Okay, okay - guilty as charged.  (Told you I am a bit sceptical as of late)

Fast forward to this weekend.  I took a different route than I normally take - lo and behold on the opposite side of the street was - you guessed it - a large purple truck parked on the side of the road - it's driver fishing off the bridge.  I said to my daughter - did I just see?  She's like yup.  I'm like we should check out the license plate to see if it means anything - should I turn around?  She's like I definitely think you should.  I made a U turn and there were no extra signs....ok well still, it was a sign.  When I turned back around I got stuck at a light and BAM in front of us was another sign.  We looked at eachother and I was like REALLY?  She said See and if you hadn't turned around you would not have seen that!  (Smartass - who told her she could be wiser than me?  I don't believe I gave permission).  So, on we went.  Did it give me any answers?  Hell no- I am still doubting.

There are so many signs that are universal to everyone (pennies from heaven, white feathers, cardinals for passed loved ones, butterflies, dragonflies, rainbows, hummingbirds) the list goes on.  Feel free to choose your own signs and watch the angels deliver.  Butterflies and rainbows were my signs from my mom - Eagles and bears for my dad.  But I have pushed for more significant ones because they seemed too easy.  And since I didn't listen to music the day I asked for the signs, my mom sent them through someone else.  So don't ever think your request is too difficult.  God, your angels and passed over loved ones are extremely powerful and they love to delight and surprise you!  Give it a test-you won't be disappointed.

One of my favorite signs was when God started putting it in my thoughts to homeschool.  It's funny how those little thoughts pop into your head out of nowhere.  We were on vacation and I was in the pool with my boys and I thought- I don't want this to end.  I want to be with them all the time.  And I thought why don't you homeschool - WHAAATT???  I was the PTA president and class mom extraordinaire what?  When we got home I reserved a book from the Library on meal planning.  What was there when I went to pick it up?  A book by the same author on - you guessed it- homeschooling.  OK did I leave the book at the library?  No! that would be embarrassing 🙄). My friend saw the book in the car and was like homeschooling?  I said yea no way I'm doing that!  God kept bringing me homeschooling people, signs, etc.   Finally I said ok fine - I gave Him 2 options - either I will see the teacher who I wanted my son to have the next year at church (We saw him almost every week). OR I will see the family that we met that homeschooled (have never seen them before). Yes - I was stacking the deck - sue me!  Well not only were 2 of the boys in that family Altar Servers that day but the ENTIRE family (iincluding grandparents!) was called up to present the gifts.  I started crying right there because God truly did deliver!  I have a TON of those stories - I actually forgot them until I started writing. 

So my point in all this drivel is that you need to pay attention to the signs.  They come from all places and things.  Just now my daughter started singing the song Georgy Girl..(one of my moms favorites!). and she's like, did this play this morning?  I'm like umm no---now it's stuck in both of our heads--thanks Mom!  Not sure what that one means but at least I know she's with us.  And that it's not just another day in the life!

And when one of us is gone......and one of us is left to carry on....then remembering will have to do

 Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like "what is the point?"  I am having one of those days.  I am not a person who gives up easily.  However, sometimes when it seems like I am getting slammed with one thing after another I truly want to just hide.  Unfortunately, my brain will not allow that.  I am realizing lately that even when I tell myself I am going to retreat and turn the world off, my thoughts just won't stop.  I have that panicked feeling that I might be needed or somehow I am required to do something.  I think the needed part comes from being a mom and someone always needing me --- those days are truly gone.  It is rare that my adult children need me at this point.  It seems the only place I am needed now is at work.  I used to work 7 days a week without any set hours and although I now work 9-5 Monday through Friday I still have that "on call" mentality that really makes me always feel like there is an urgent matter somewhere that needs my attention.  Truth be told, it doesn't - I am not that vital, my job is not rocket science and my boss is quite capable of handling things when I am not on the clock. So, I am trying to train my brain to be able to relax.  It is unlearning years of learned behavior, but I am getting there.  Boundaries - as my daughter reinforces to me daily.  Yes, grasshopper I understand.  Have I mentioned I want to be her when I grow up?  She is truly remarkable.

Anyway - now what?  What exactly do I do while I am in this in between phase?  I know God is getting ready to move me again ---the signs are all there I am just waiting for when and where.  People say well where do you want to live?  Ummm if I knew that I would be doing it!  And when I move I am determined to find people who want and deserve my energy.   I am determined to not be that person who forces herself on people that don't want or need her energy.  I feel that I have been taken for granted for far too long and I have removed my attention from things that make me feel that way.  Being the "good girl" and thinking about everyone else's needs above my own is slowly disappearing.  It can be a lonely place, but luckily I am in good company----my own!  

And then there are mornings like this morning---the grief of a life that is not longer, another life that

will never be, the missing a time in my life when I knew what was required of me.  The time when I knew what my purpose and meaning was.  So I turned to my mom (in prayer) and the tears flowed.  The ache in my heart for my parents came full force and I let it.  I allowed myself to feel the loss and the sadness and the longing for a life that used to be, that could have been - I let it all flow.  When they say grief comes in waves they truly knew what they were talking about.  Sometimes that wave knocks you over and pulls you out with the tide.  Today is such a day.  I feel lost.  What I would not give for just one more talk with my dad "Listen angel life is not fair", or a "oh, Tina...." and a hug from my mom.  But as the song that was mine and my moms (You and Me against the World by Helen Reddy) eloquently states - and when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on---then remembering will have to do!.  Well it sucks - sounds great as song lyrics but in life?  Sucks.

I think the hardest thing for me lately is that I don't trust my own intuition anymore.  I used to know so strongly what actions I should take, what I needed to do and say.  But that has been taken away slowly but surely and all I am left with is doubt and confusion and the question of did I REALLY ever know anything?  Was my intuition just a form of wishful thinking?  Maybe it was.  So what now?  If I don't trust myself how do I know what is meant for me?  How do I know what my next action is?  It leaves me wanting to hide in bed and not face anything - but that is not what I am made of.  I am stronger than that.  I found myself asking my mom for a sign today a BIG one --- but I didn't even know what sign to ask for or what I wanted it to mean.  I miss the days when I gave a shit about anything - I want this, I don't want that - I love this, I don't like that.  I am in a place of not caring.  Usually it is a peaceful, pleasant place of just allowing life to unfold the way it's meant to and being grateful for what comes. But when you have decisions to make and you just don't care it is really difficult to make them.  I look around and I have a really good life.  I know I have things that I once prayed for and they have been answered.   I am grateful-  SO very grateful for so many things in my life.  I know (and have lived it) things could be so much worse than apathy.  It seems everyone close to me is dealing with those things - so I have absolutely no right to complain.  But for someone like me----who used to be so passionate about everything to have apathy, and for someone who trusted her intuition like most people trust a GPS to doubt every thought that comes in my head?  It is a form of slow torture.  I miss me.  I miss that woman who stood so passionately for things that mattered to her.  I really hope she comes back and it's not just another person to grieve.  But for now?  I am grateful for this day in the life.

In Your Easter Bonnet....with all the frills upon it...

 

Easter Sunday....the memories of my childhood....and my children's did not really get to me this year...too much.   I have almost forgotten what it was like making Easter baskets, coloring and hiding eggs, remembering at the last minute that I did not, in fact, have a decent carrot

to leave out for the Easter bunny.  My daughter and I were remembering how she and her brother would fight to the death to win the Easter Egg hunt (yes, I know---very holy of them 😉.  But what fun memories those were.  One of my favorites of my childhood is when my mom forgot where she hid the last egg and a few weeks later we smelled it...I mean found it!  I was far too excited this year that I was going to be able to spend the day at the beach!  I cancelled the dinner reservations we had made (just in case) and off we went.  

On the way to the beach we were engrossed in a deep conversation about God only knows what - but I know we were discussing something serious.  I asked my daughter to go in the console and see if I had hand lotion or a perfume roller ball in there (can't remember which) and seemingly out of nowhere a photo of my dad appeared.

We have been driving his car since he passed in 2021.  I have been through that console dozens of times since, including cleaning out things that I could bear to part with.  So how did I never see this photo?  Instant tears started flowing.  My daddy....never far away.  My daughter and I both took it as confirmation that he was handling any and all issues we faced.  Look at that face....so strong.  I recalled, once again, how lucky I was to have him as my dad.  My children to have him as their poppa.  He was not a Saint by any stretch of the imagination.  But the relationship I built with him as an adult has shaped me in more ways than I can really count.  My work ethic, my sense of right and wrong....all the things that help make me- well me.  Last week my creme filling son was facing an issue with his company and as we discussed it he sent me photos and proof of his side of the situation.  I complimented him and told him that is what Pop always taught us.  Document everything.  It became a joke between my sister and I about how Daddy told us to keep notes about every situation in life.  Time, date, applicable players.  But we do it.  And obviously I passed that down to my kids.  It makes me so happy when I see my parents lessons come out in my kids.  My daughter often says, when she is cleaning or organizing, that she knows how happy her Yaya is when she's doing it.

I have always been an "out of sight, out of mind" type of person.  My mom would say I was "so fickle", because I could change my mind about people at the drop of a hat. It always bothered me.  Why do I not miss people?  Why do I not think about people when I don't see them often?  But I now realize - that is not the truth.  There are certain people (my parents included) that are never really out of my mind.  I am learning that it wasn't that I was "out of sight, out of mind" it is that those people aren't my people.  It's not a flaw, it's a gift!  I don't have time to pine over people that really don't care to be in my life unless I am the one making the effort.  My energy is better spent on the people who do want me in their life and take the time to show me that, because every day----is an important one and not just a day in the life!

May the good Lord be with you down every road you roam...

 

I was fortunate enough to have my son in town last week for a few days. Once again as I waited at the gate for him and my daughter in law to emerge I was brought back to so many memories.  Even though they were renting a car there was no way in hell that I would not be waiting for them at that gate.  It has been 7 months since I have seen him.  I remembered my parents waiting at that very same gate dozens of times to greet us when we arrived to visit.  It felt truly surreal.  As soon as I saw him I lost my mind.  I held onto him like I hadn't seen him in years and as if I didn't communicate with him almost daily.   I guess I block the feeling of missing him until he's right in front of me.

As we made our way down to baggage claim and I stood back while they handled their rental car it struck me (as it always does)....he's a man.  He's married and lives a life that I am no longer truly a part of.  While he shares a lot with me and I am grateful he does, I am no longer a key player in this life he lives.  When did that happen?  I suppose as a parent God makes these changes slowly so that we don't notice it and it doesn't sting quite so badly.  But every once in a while -BAM it hits.  This was such a time.  I have never wanted to keep my children little.  I loved every moment (well almost -the 4s were NOT my favorite 😉) and I devoted my life to raising them.  So I didn't miss a moment truth be told, so I always looked at them at whatever age they were and never compared them to the little person they once were.  Until this week.  I watched him navigate a new job, heard him on meetings being introduced to team members and I (as I always am) was stunned at how professional and mature and capable he is.  But that little boy kept popping into my head.  Sometimes it was something he said that reminded me of that magnetic tot.  And my heart ached.  It ached for that time when I was his whole world (except for baseball - I think baseball always took top spot 😅). This is why mother in laws get a bad rap.  Because they can't get over that feeling of loss.

Thankfully, I know he is in good hands.  His wife loves

him and definitely takes very good care of him.  He also still keeps in touch with me frequently and doesn't push that off to his wife.  But this is something no one teaches a mother of sons-that they become men.  And as a woman, I don't always understand his logic and thinking.  Watching my daughter grow up is like watching a new and improved version of me.  The closeness we share is that of almost sisters.  I don't ever wonder - am I overstepping?  Should I say that to her?  Is she going to think I am criticizing her?  I just say whatever it is and it's easy.  With a son, they become men and look at moms differently, they think differently.  They hopefully know that you're proud of them but it's just different.  There is a hidden boundary that cannot be crossed I feel.  It's a respect thing maybe?  I need to respect that he is a man and will do things his own way and doesn't necessarily want my opinion or thoughts.  So, when I am asked I give them, if I am not I keep it to myself.  

It feels weird honestly.  And I never really thought about it before.  But I remember my mother would be very careful what she said to my brother as opposed to what she would say to my sister or me.  I thought she was being ridiculous - that's your son!  I remember her crying because she got a card from my brother that he signed himself and wrote love before his name.  But I get it now, I do.  
And my ex mother in law.  I always felt like she was so good, never interfered.  Now I realize she was trying to be a good mother in law (she was!). I wish I had understood back then just how hard it was for her to lose that connection with her son.  But it is just the circle of life.  It reminds me of that wedding song "And a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home".   I understand it so well now.  It is the necessary process for growth.  And I am ok with it most of the time.  Like I said, I have never thought about it before last week.

So, for all you daughter in laws out there (I was one of them) be sympathetic when your mother in law does something that pisses you off.  Remember, she gave you one of her most loved and cherished gifts to share your life with.  I remember I made a cross stitch for my mother in law with a poem that she hung in her family room,  it said this ..

Now did I feel all of that?  When I made it I did....not so much most of the time truth be told.  I wanted so badly to be a good daughter in law. I tried so hard to make them comfortable in my home, made their favorite foods, had her favorite wine.  But she had daughters, and I had a mom so we never truly connected.  I wish I had known then what I know now--I would have been more patient and kind with her shortcomings.  Because, let's face it - we ALL have them.  And for all you mother in laws out there---back off.  Your daughter in law is doing the very best she can and your son is not a saint.  She's navigating marriage and should not have to navigate the minefield that is the family dynamic.  And whether you like it or not - she knows your son better than you do!  You know the little boy/young adult he was - she is living with him as a man.  They are different individuals.  And if you have any hope of getting to know that man that he becomes, you need to befriend your daughter in law

and also get to know the man that is now your son.  Accept his choices and personality and everything that comes along with that.

I have always tried to just make my children's lives easier.  I have not put demands on them when it comes to spending time with me or holidays or any of that.   I remember how stressful life can be when you're navigating adulthood and who are we kidding?  LIFE!  It's not easy.  And my job, as their mother is to support them and if that means taking a back seat then that's where I will be.  How lucky am I to have been there since they took their first breath and have the memories of those sticky little fingers and toddler arms wrapped around my neck.  I raised in love a little boy and now he is a man.  A man that I am so very very proud of.  A man that makes tough decisions and stands by them, good or bad.  A man that is not afraid to take chances and who is sought after in his field.

These are the things we need to focus on.  Not the past and what no longer is but the

future and how lucky we are to have gotten this far!  If we did it right our children will still want us to be part of their lives.  We will get to see them do things we wish we had done....or help them pick up the pieces when they make the same mistakes we did.  I remember people saying that I needed to have a daughter, sons leave you blah blah blah.  Guess what?  Having a daughter doesn't necessarily mean they stay.....some mother and daughter relationships are a disaster!  But I do agree that raising a son and raising a daughter are completely different, however I would not trade the experience of both for anything in the world.  And when the time comes that my daughter has a mother in law I hope she remembers that her husband is still that mom's little boy.  And I hope her mother in law respects the fact that my daughter is his future and doesn't overstep.  

So, what I learned this week was that you can't go back.  Looking at my son as the child he once was only hurts my heart and I don't want to go there.  I will do my best to not get my feelings hurt while he is living his life (as he should) that doesn't really include me anymore.  And I will look at him as a man I am so very very proud of, I will be excited when he sends me videos of when he plays softball.  I will cherish every text and phone call and every "Hey mom---can I get your opinion on this?" and be grateful.  Grateful for the role I played in his childhood and the role I will play in his life going forward, whatever that looks like.  And if you're really lucky - moms of sons - you get a best friend for life and if you're extra lucky - one who makes literally the best espresso martinis in the world and you get to toast them and the future they are creating.  Because spending time with my "boy", is never just a day in the life.

Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you--only you can let it in

 New week, new month, new...no...not a new me.  Same old me.  Slightly reformed, definitely upgraded, but somewhere inside I am still me.  So many revelations in the last 4 days since March began.  Sometimes the thoughts race through my head so quickly I cannot even grasp them.  Something seems SO significant, yet when I go to write it down or even run it by someone I can't remember what was so important that I felt it HAD to be an epiphany.  Even as I sit here at my keyboard ready to spew out some profound realization my mind is racing.  So---here goes, not sure it will make any sense or if it will actually be read by anyone other than me, but I'll take a shot!

I have had the same meditation practice in the morning for nearly a year.  I have rotated devotionals and different forms of "manifestation"(I despise that word at the moment) and gratitude (love that word always!).  Lately it is leaving me flat.  I am finding that it feels more like a chore than the uplifting, spiritual connection I am looking for to start my day.  Ok, so switch it up right?  Yeah...ummm.that's a bit of an issue for several reasons.  1.  I cannot focus my brain on anything currently to even attempt to find something else to try.  2.  I am a quitter.  That's right, you read it right---I QUIT.  My mother used to call me lazy and a slob. It is one of those labels I have never been able to shake.  Even as I type it I feel the shame and tears creep up as if I am still that 13 year old girl who did not even understand it fully.  My mother was a machine.  She never stopped, never rested, never took a break.  My childhood home was spotless at any moment on any given day you could eat off the floors.  I felt like I lacked that gene, and as I became an adult I realized.....no...I resented it.  I resented that cleaning always took priority over everything else.  Mom, can we do xyz?  We'll see, after I finish vacuuming/dusting/laundry fill in the blank.  My mother felt that was her way of being valued/worthy/contributing.  It's a long story and I understand why now but remember I was a kid!  Stay with me.   I think this is going somewhere.

Ok, so when I became a mom I refused to let anything take priority over my kids.  My home was never dirty, but it was lived in.  I homeschooled and my kids always had a playroom and I refused to make them clean up the latest episode of Power Rangers or "Dirt" Men/Heros or Barbie's latest adventure at the end of the day because I knew the next day that play would continue and I would never mess with their creativity just for aesthetics.  Those days are long gone and I knew they would go fast.  My kids are all very neat and clean and orderly so it did not make them "slobs", it encouraged their creativity.  And they were always allowed to change their minds without negative feedback.  Which brings me back to me being a "quitter".  I have such a hard time when I realize something isn't working for me anymore - whether it be a journal, a book, a movie, a relationship, clothing---- you name it.  I always question - am I being lazy?  Am I not giving it enough effort?  Is it just a mood?  59 years old and I still need permission from that 13 year old girl to move on!

This morning my daughter and I were having our morning "debrief" as we have begun to call it.  And we were discussing this issue.  We have both started doing "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrnes.  We are on day 17 and it required a print out.  I printed 2 and I went to give her one. Well my incredible daughter said "Ma, that's not working for me anymore - I am just gonna stop doing it."  I squirmed in my seat, holding my coffee mug between both hands, "Um well I think I need to find something to replace it, I just..I mean I am ..."  "Tina Marie!" she exclaimed "No!  You are allowed to take a break!  Give me all those self help/spiritual books.  I think you've done enough work on yourself!  It's OK to just BE!"   She's so wise----no clue where she got that from.(kidding - I know I did an incredible job on her -I gave her permission to be who she is without labels.😇). Jeez, I am getting all misty and again my thoughts are all over the place.  Ok...where was I ....oh that's right....How to know when it's ok to quit/change your mind/ move on to something else.

When is it ok to give yourself permission to give up?  To say this is not working anymore I will no longer do this.  Does everyone have an issue with this or is it just me?  Yesterday I was watching some of my favorite trash/reality TV and a mother and daughter were speaking to a therapist and the mom said well I don't let things really bother me.  And slowly it came out that she took things that hurt her and put them away for a better time to address it...and eventually they all got shoved in a closet and were never dealt with.  And she came to the realization that eventually she stopped feeling---stopped feeling disappointment, hurt, sadness....hmmmm damn it.  I felt the tears flowing down my face.  Shit.   I thought all along I was growing and healing and look at me!  Nothing hurts anymore - I am bulletproof.  I am so easy going - look at me taking it all in stride.  I am a machine.......oh...where have I heard that before.  If we do not admit the mistakes we have made we are destined to repeat them.  I have protected my heart so much that I didn't even realize how much things hurt.  So....I pulled out my trusty journal and out it all came.  I am not a cold bitch after all.  I have just had too much hurt and disappointment and unrequited love and devotion for this lifetime.  That is why I keep people at arms length.  Not because I don't care, but because I care too much and it is rarely reciprocated (hence the self help books---there MUST be something wrong with me because no one really truly cares about me long term).  Well no amount of self-healing/work will change that so guess what?  I quit.  I am keeping this version of me and if I am the only one who accepts her then so be it.  I worked really hard on her. 

 I am grateful for any of you who actually got through this maze of thoughts (welcome to my brain lately-scary place).  There is another book inside me somewhere and I need to figure out what it is because I have been really needing a creative outlet.  Reading/doing "The Magic" has made me realize that maybe not everyone is grateful everyday....maybe people don't thank people for the little things --- maybe I am a "Wacko" (as my dad so kindly labeled me for many years)...so be it.  I will continue to try to shine a light when I can and not hide in the shadows when I can't.  I am ready to find that new morning routine that lights me up again and I won't stop until I find it....because it's not quitting, it is just a day in the life!

Sending Forget Me Nots-Help me to Remember

 

This morning during my morning meditation I had my hand on my heart and felt my heartbeat strongly.  There was a time not too long ago that I did not feel my heartbeat no matter how hard I tried.  Not sure why, I will not even attempt to understand why.  While feeling that steady beat I was instantly transported to when I heard each one of my children's heartbeats for the first time.  The tears started to flow.  As a mother, that is one of the most memorable times in pregnancy.  I was never anxious or nervous when I was pregnant - as always I knew God would allow me to have a healthy baby.  I haven't thought about that moment in at least 20 years.  I was brought back to those often cold exam rooms and I felt the joy and wonder of each one of their heartbeats.  I think I cried every single time I had an appointment and I heard that heartbeat.  My cousin had her third child this month and she told me she had forgotten how difficult C-Section recovery was - especially with 2 other little ones at home.  I told her that is how God gets us to have more children - we forget what we have to go through to get there!  Because it is always worth it in the end.  It made me think about how many other things we get amnesia about in order to put ourselves through it again.

Moving--- every single time I move (and I have moved over a dozen times in my lifetime) I have convenient amnesia about what a pain in the ass it is.  Yet moving day comes and I cringe and no matter how hard I worked and how much I prepared that last minute stuff keeps coming out of every crevice.  And each time I swear - never again!  But the alternative is staying in a place where I no longer want to be or belong.  Not acceptable, soooo we put ourselves through it again.

Career/Job Changes - we are so convinced that the place we are in is so awful we must look for another job.  Or maybe it's financially - we need a raise and we are not getting it where we are.  We are so optimistic and excited about the possibility of change that we forget how awful the interview process is.  And then when we do get the new position and have that first day - oh my!  We forget how to uncomfortable it is to not know what the hell you are doing and trying to navigate new office relationships and procedures and that it takes close to a month before you start feeling at ease, and ew what if we made a mistake and this place is worse than the last?  If we remembered all of those things it might have stopped us from doing what was needed and moving to a new workplace.

Love - giving your heart to another person.  Would any of us ever do this if we remembered how deeply the last one hurt?  How much pain you can endure when you give your heart to someone and it gets broken?  We would never give our heart again.  So conveniently, we allow ourselves to hope and believe that this time will be different.  And eventually, it is - we find that person who is worth any amount of heartbreak in the past or difficulty now or in the future. Although no relationship is perfect, we find one that is the best we have ever had and we stay.  We never would find that if we had the memories of past heartbreak at the forefront of our minds.

So, the goal in most things in life is to not look back?  I disagree with that.  If we don't remember the past we are doomed to repeat it.  We need to grow from the past and then move on from it.  I can confidently say that I do not really even recognize my former self, however in some situations I remember her and I thank her for paving the way for the current version of me.  As much as she is different she is still a part of me.  Sometimes the best parts.  Selective amnesia, although is necessary sometimes to encourage us to make difficult choices.  My meditation today was about embracing the present and facing the future with eyes and heart wide open.  After all, that past is gone, we don't live there anymore.  The future is what we decide to make it.  And today?  Well....today is just a day in the life.

L is for the way you look at me....O is for the only one I see, V is very very---extraordinary E is even more than anyone that you adore can LOVE

 

Valentines day......not one of my favorite days in the year.  In FACT - I am not a fan AT ALL.  9 years ago today I said goodbye to my mom for the last time.  In fact as I sat at the table this morning, the very table I held her hand at and said goodbye and I just felt sad.  I miss her.  So much.  I lied to her that morning.  It was a lie of love - I was protecting her from things that she couldn't know about.  Even the fact that I had put past issues behind me -  I smiled and said I forgave her.  I lied.  I would not forgive her fully until my dad passed away almost 7 years later.  But what good would it have done for her to know?  It would not have helped either one of us.  However - I am NOT a liar!  I do not lie.  And I don't appreciate people who do.  So this really still doesn't sit well with me.  I have apologized to her and she knows....she knows how much I love(d) her and I didn't want her to hurt any more than she already did.  But I wish I had 5 more minutes to hold her hand and look her in the eye and say those words again and mean them.  I love you, and I forgive you!

This brings me to today's post.  Love.  Truth.  Forgiveness.  So many people don't feel or express those three things the way they should---the way they would if they knew their time on earth with someone was not guaranteed.  And what is up with all the big gestures on Valentines day?  What about a regular Monday in June?  Tuesday in March?  Why do people save these things for a "special occasion" - if you are lucky enough to feel love for someone - say it!  Shout it from the rooftops.  You are blessed and so are they.  Who doesn't want to feel loved?  And not because someone has to, because they can't help but feel it.  Maybe because some people weaponize love---use it to manipulate someone?  Get them to follow along?  Who knows why people don't express it easily or freely, but they should.  

So many people these days say they never heard I love you as a child.  Honestly?  I don't remember if my parents said it often, but I knew they did.  I felt it deep inside, I felt safe and loved whether they said it or not.  I know as an adult they said it - all the time so I am assuming they said it when I was little.  I don't believe it is a word that should be thrown around like it's meaningless either. So--how do you know when it's real or just a word?  I would assume it's like when I was a child.....you just feel it.

What about forgiveness?  So many people say they forgive someone but yet they keep things in their back pocket just in case...that's not true forgiveness.  When you forgive someone you need to start with a clean slate and trust and believe they will not do whatever it is again.  Or that they truly didn't mean to hurt you.  And if you are lucky enough to receive true forgiveness you need to do the same - pay it forward.

My daddy made Valentines day so special for me and my sister and my mom.  But he also remembered to bring my mom flowers every month on the 21st which was their anniversary.  And she remembered to show him love every Thursday as they celebrated the beginning of their weekends in the later years.  Maybe that is why I believe in love and I believe you should show it and say it when you feel it.  Because I had such an amazing example growing up, not everyone did.  But you can change that today---you can be that example to others.  And I am going to believe that my mom knows that although I lied that day when I said goodbye that I love her more than she could ever know and I forgive her with my whole heart.

And honestly?  Today is just another day in the life after all.

I’ve Got the Music in Me

 Music soothes the savage beast.  Music soothes the soul.  Music is magic.  I remember back when my kids were little I took a quiz to see what affects my moods.  I remember candles made me happy...and that I was sensitive to noise.  However, music was right up there with what could affect my mood in a powerful way,  I had a 500 CD holder and I insisted on having speakers in the ceiling of the house we had built in Arizona.  I didn't care about much else, but that was a must have for sure.  I have videos of my boys dancing from the time they could stand.  I love that my kids all love the oldies and know the lyrics of songs that a lot of kids (now adults) would not.

I once did a Facebook post asking people to post a song that reminded them of me.  It was a great experiment.  I am sure there are certain songs that automatically bring you back to a specific moment in your life, or a specific person.  With that comes a flood of feelings, some positive, some not so great.  I have made playlists labeled by people close to me and also a happy playlist and a weepy playlist.  I will try to link the happy ones here.  

Why a weepy playlist?  C'mon - haven't you ever needed a good cry?  I used to weep at the drop of the hat.  As I have gotten older and more hardened sometimes the tears just don't flow.  But you know that feeling in your throat and chest when you just know you need to let it out?  Hence, the weepy playlist.  I have been doing "brain dumps" lately more often then usual and the weepy playlist does the trick - I find myself writing things I didn't even know I felt through the tears and every single time I feel like myself when I am done.

Spotify made me a playlist called "Feel Good Classics".  I have been listening during the week at my desk and it makes my workday fly and I find myself dancing while I get another cup of coffee or have my lunch.  What a mood booster!  Even dealing with cranky guests or vendors my sing song voice is prevelant.  Powerful!

I am turning 59 years old tomorrow.  I was having a bit of a not so great day yesterday and this morning.  I didn't sleep well and woke up cranky.  That is not usually my personality and I was not having it.  So I decided to watch one of my favorite movies and then play that playlist and I instantly felt like myself.  Why haven't I done this more often?  The power in the lyrics and melodies is just magic.  It transports me to a place where life is just easy.  As I type this Sonny and Cher are singing in my ears---I got you babe! It's a time warp back to so many moments in my life.  Happy mostly...today I won't let the sad ones pop up.  Afterall - it is birthday eve and I am celebrating the gift of life.  How lucky I am to be healthy and be given another trip around the sun.  

So I challenge you.....the next time you are feeling down go to your favorite music and find that joy.  I can assure you that it won't let you down.  And when you feel better you DO better.  You can spread positivity around and the world just feels like a better place.  

It’s NOT just a day in the life!

Feel Good Oldies

Every day is a holiday…

 

When you look at the calendar you see 1/1/24 - New Years Day!  Oh my, what will I do?  I must celebrate!  Or maybe on New Year's Eve you felt upset because you did not have big plans - what about the Happy New Year kiss that is supposed to be so magical?  So much pressure!  Coming off of the Christmas hype of perfect presents and decor.  Is it any wonder half the world is on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication?  

Why?  Why does society put so much pressure on certain dates on the calendar - birthdays, valentines day, anniversaries, Mother's day, Father's day, Grandparents Day?  Hallmark and other card companies love those days, at least they used to -cards have kind of fallen by the wayside these days.  I understand the need to make people feel special - I do!  But why do we put them on specific dates?  Think about it!  We save up all our love and attention for 1 day a year?  Why?  Because some genius decided that day was significant?  To add more pressure to an already busy life?  It's ridiculous.  

I used to tell my kids that when they got older and married and possibly moved away that any time we were all together would be a holiday.  I swore that I would celebrate Christmas on a Tuesday in July if needed.  The celebration is supposed to be the joy the day brings, not the date on the calendar!  Now some may argue that Religious holidays are different - Easter, Christmas (secret, Jesus was not born on December 25th) etc.  But honestly?  For the majority of the world Easter and Christmas have been overtaken by a Bunny and a fat guy in a Red Suit so no, I don't believe there's a difference!

I have been on a journey to become closer to God.  In doing so I realize more than ever that EVERY day should be celebrated.  There is something good in every single day that God chooses to wake us up in the morning.  Even if it's something as small as a really good cup of coffee or a message from someone you love.  My daughter sometimes leaves me little notes on my coffee pot in the morning - notes of love or appreciation or just funny things.....she doesn't have to wait for Mother's day or my Birthday to tell me she appreciates me.  You don't either - tell the people you love that you appreciate them today. These are moments that need to be cherished and not taken for granted.  I have started sending messages to people when I think about them - hey just thinking about you, hope that everything is well in your world.  Or maybe something that I love about them, or a special memory.  As you can imagine I get back messages usually telling me that they needed that or just that they were happy I thought of them.  Imagine if we all did that every day?  Not just on a date specified on the Calendar.

I am not a fan of New Years Eve - never have been.  I can count on less than 2 hands how many New Years Eves I have enjoyed in 58 years.  Why?  Because the build up and the need to "make it memorable" has, in fact, done just the opposite.  This year my daughter and I decided we weren't doing it.  We were just treating it like any other Sunday.  And guess what?  That's when I realized that I truly do celebrate every day!  I live every day as if there is someone wonderful right around the corner.  Because I know that life can change in a minute - for better or for worse.  And the only moment we have for certain is the present one.  And doesn't that moment deserve to be celebrated?  I think so!  

Change begins with you!  Because it’s not just a day in the life 😉

Blew out my flip flop....stepped on a pop top

    This photo was taken 2 years ago during our first annual Cousins reunion in Marco Island. I had not  seen my cousins in 5 years. It was as if no time had passed. We only spent the day but it was an

 amazing time. You know when you have people in your life that just make you happy being in their

company? That is my Vegas family. We did not know then that this short visit would be the

beginning of a very important tradition.

This photo was taken last year in Fort Lauderdale. Thanks to hurricane Ian this trip almost did not happen. Marco Island was hit hard and my cousins were coming from Vegas and Philly so the logistics were a bit challenging, but we did it! Although we were all only together for 3 days it was another period of rejuvination for my soul. It was once again just so easy to be together and we picked up where we left off! My daughter looks at her 3 cousins as additional siblings and the bantering and and connection is really so amazing to see.  She is not someone who shows her true personality to many people but Machew, Bubba J and Ryguy definitely see the true Lulu. I love watching it. We stayed in a hotel this trip and it was more challenging (connecting rooms apparently mean the same hallway in Ft. Lauderdale) but we made it work and had a blast. From being surrounded by fish in the ocean to closing the pool bar down, this was an amazing trip! We vowed to make it an annual thing!

 This photo was taken yesterday once again in Marco Island.  Our 3rd annual family reunion.  It was by 

far the best one yet! We left feeling rejuvenated in a way that only happens when you are with people that truly love and accept you. It was as if we were together every day. You know those times when you laugh so hard you cannot breathe? A few of us actually had headaches from laughing too much. It was so needed for me. There are very few people in my life that make me feel like I can just be myself and not worry about the aftermath. My cousins are these people to me. It was so relaxing and easy and just fun! We are able to have those tough talks about big issues and then laugh until we cry (literally-there was snorting!). How blessed am I to have this in my life? And how fabulous to see my daughter be 100 percent unapologetically herself and be embraced for it. Uncle K and Aunt R are exactly what Lulu needed at this time in life, so it was not just me that needed it.  And my nephews, Machew, Bubba J and Ryguy are 3 of my favorite people in the world.  They are so easy to be with and I can talk to them about anything and I love watching them grow into the incredible men they are becoming.  We are already looking forward to next year!  

This trip has shown me how important it is to be around people you love and how important it is to maintain those connections.  Rockin R and I have made a point of catching up with a phone call at least once a month and I look forward to those calls so much.  I drove home last night feeling lighter than I have in a very long time.  I fell into bed physically exhausted yet emotionally alive in the best possible way.  I am so very very grateful to have this to look forward to every year and have these 5 people in my life....it makes me feel joy.  My absolute favorite emotion.  And having that joy makes me know there is more on the way and I am excited for it.  Life is what you make it ---so let's make it right.  It is too short to be stuck in unhappiness, or the day to day blahs that become your normal way of life.  Every day is NOT just a day in the life --- it is what you make it and for me?  I am choosing joy....and whenever I can I will do something that makes me feel that----every day in the life.

Look at the stars....how they all shine for you

Today.....today was one of those perfect days. I will try my very hardest to remember this feeling and this day when things get hard (which of course they will - this is life after all) 2022 was probably the hardest year of my life. That says a lot, since in the last decade I have gotten divorced, moved 4 times, lost both of my parents, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. But 2022 ---- it was (I believe) the ending of a time of torment and it had to get it's last licks in. And if today is any indication of what is to come -- it was all worth it. Every single moment. I am blessed. I know this. My family is protected. I know this. But that does not mean that bad things do not happen. But I don't want to focus on 2022 - I want to focus on today. I started my morning with a phone call from my oldest son in California before I had my coffee. Normally, he texts me that early with our good morning gratitudes. It is something we have started recently. But a phone call that early would have sent me into a panic in the past (especially because we spoke last night) But it doesn't anymore. He's doing well - so well that I do not believe I have ever seen this version of my son as an adult. He had good news for me - that's why he called. So we started chatting and wow - it went deep. He gave me a gift that he didn't even know I needed. He thanks me all the time for things I've done, things I am still doing, I do not need thanks. I tell him, all I need is for him to live his best life. THAT is the greatest gift to me. He understands me very well. All three of my children do, honestly. Because I have always been honest and open about my life and my feelings with them. But he relates a lot to who I was as a child and things I have shared about that period in my life. He is also the one who saw the toxicity of my marriage more than the other two. He understands now things I did to protect them. I guess what he gave me yesterday was validation. Something he has never given me before. I hung up the phone feeling like I could conquer the world. Feeling like if this was my last day on earth I would be able to die happy. The joy in my heart was overflowing that my baby boy (who is a man) is in such a great space and our relationship is where it is. It did not end there ----- my creme filling son and I had a catch up call this week. The time difference and our work schedules do not allow that as often as we would like. It was just so great. We text nearly every day, but those phone calls are needed. So we were texting today and it was great. My daughter in law also thanked me for raising him - that was a bonus too. Then out of the blue tonight he sent me a song and said "make sure you're not in public" - again, he knows me well. I sobbed my eyes out - I am crying now as I type this. It was very similar to what my oldest said to me earlier. I cannot explain the feeling --- I grew up in a very male dominant household, my father and brother did not show their emotions (the soft ones) and I thought men did not have emotions. I thought men were made of stone. I believe that is why I chose my ex husband. He showed emotions. He cried. He described loving me in words that curled my toes. But, as soon as we got engaged that went away. So----I assumed that that is how it worked. Now he was just like all the other men in my life. I thought this was normal! I was determined to let my sons show emotions and not be ridiculed for them. I succeeded. Then they became men. And I see they don't show them to the outside world (which is fine! That is saved for the ones that love you!) but I know what goes on inside. And it has given me a whole new insight into the male species. I wish I had known all of this when I was a young girl. It would have helped me understand that women aren’t the only ones with feelings. Raising these boys changed my life in ways they will never know. These men that I raised....they have given me a run for my money. From childhood and their constant fighting to their teen years which made me long for the days when all I had to do was deal with their fighting to their 20s which have had more ups and downs then the tower of terror in Disneyworld. But today----today I got to see a glimpse of what it was all for. These men....are incredible. They love me just as much as they did when they were little. They will always need me, in a very different way, but need me nonetheless. All of those prayers, and sleepless nights and days when I did SO many things that I really did not want to do and the days I felt like a failure (a lot of those)----it was all worth it. Every minute of it. Today (and I know this will not be permanent unlike the old me who thought once things were good they stayed that way) today is that day when all is right with the world. And I feel HAPPY and JOYFUL and dare I say bliss. Today was SO much more than a day in the life.....

No one loves you like mama does, she's the blanket that covers you up....

 To say I am emotional today would be an understatement.  I woke up filled with nervousness....not sure why.  I am not a nervous person at all.  I cannot shake it.  I did have a strange, unsettling dream but usually by now I can just let it go.  But now I have something else that is adding to my emotions, something that I don't think I will ever fully be able to shake.

I am not sure how to word this, or if I should even ever post it.  But I need to get it down on "paper" and instead of a journal my angels are guiding me to put it out there---maybe it can help someone else?  No clue.  But here goes....

I was on the phone this morning and listening to someone talk about his daughter.  He said how even though she is married and pregnant with twins, she is still his baby and he needs to take care of her.  He has a son as well and he proceeded to compare the different relationships and said "there is something about a daughter"....don't I know that.  He then said, I hope you had that....with your dad.  I fought back the tears and said "I sure did."  My dad was my hero.  He took care of me until the day he died....damn he is still taking care of me.  How fucking lucky am I?  To have had this man take care of me my entire life.  That he has left a hole in my heart, my life and the lives of my siblings and children that can never be filled.  Did he set me up to realize that no one could ever fill his shoes?  Maybe.  But still....how blessed I am that I had that safe feeling my whole life, always knowing that if I needed him---he was there.

But.....that made me think of my daughter.  And that's when the tears truly fall.  She does not have that....nor do my sons, but it is different for boys-they have their own things they have realized due to their relationship with their father, and maybe that is for another post.  But for now...it is my daughter that concerns me.  Now, not to pat myself on the back, but all 3 of my children always know that I am there for them...that I will always do whatever needs to be done for them.  I know this.  But I had 2 parents that did that.  My daughter will never know what it is like to have a daddy like mine.  She has absolutely no relationship with her ....I am not going to use the phrase she uses to describe my ex husband.  She has not wanted one since she was 10 years old.  Hell, she never wanted one after the divorce, but I encouraged it so that maybe one day I would not be feeling this way.  But after several times of me ---well---forcing her to have some type of relationship with him and her being shown over and over again that her feelings are valid--I let it go.  She is 18 now, she makes those decisions herself and now she has literally cut off all communication with him.  And she is happy.  She is the most well adjusted 18 year old I have ever met, truth be told.  So maybe it is ok....maybe she will never realize what she missed out on.  Lord knows every one of her friends does not have the type of relationship with their dad that I did, so maybe I was just truly THAT lucky.  I don't know.  

I just feel like she deserves the world.  She has truly been the most perfect child since birth.  She is the epitome of what I would want in a daughter.   When people call her my mini me (which seems to happen lately EVERY time we are out together--it is really trippy lately) she beams with pride and I think---dear God, does she even realize that I am the one that is just so honored to be her mom?  For people to compare her to me?  She is just that fabulous!  She is strong and kind and funny and smart---and yet the other person who has a genetic connection to her cannot appreciate it at all.  In his defense (if I had a dollar for EVERY time I have said that in the last 33 years I would be rich) he is incapable of doing any better than he has.  Some people just are incapable of any more.  And it is his loss for sure---

But what if some day she realizes that she didn't have it?  And it hurts her deeply?  How will I fix that?  How will I not blame myself somehow for not making it right?  I am not sure I will.  I just pray that God continues to guide her and let her just always know that she has exactly what she needs.  Because she deserves absolutely everything---and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she has that.

Because it shouldn't be just a day in the life.....not for my baby girl