Just remember til you're home again, you belong to me.

 Today is my birthday.  So many emotions and feelings being dredged up today.  I have been spending these winter days cleaning up playlists and photos on my phone/computer.  And up until today I was really enjoying it.  This morning, I was telling someone how annoying it is to me when people ask if I have any big plans for my birthday.... like it's a Thursday in January.  I'm working...it just happens to be the day my mother decided to give birth to me, I am 61 like what am I doing, going to Chuck E. Cheese?  We had a good chuckle over that one until I realized there is no Chuck E. Cheese in SD - the audacity!  I digress.  It got me thinking about my mom.  How she may have felt on my birthday every year.  How stressed she must have been with my dad driving down the L.I.E. during an ice storm and leaving my siblings home to give birth to me.  Life looks so different when you take a moment to look at things from a different perspective at any given moment, but yes...this one is a big one.  

I decided to play my playlist that is dedicated to her today, hence the title of this blog from the Duprees song "You Belong to Me".  I will always be her little girl, no matter how old I get and how long she's been gone.  I got this overwhelming longing to just be with her.  This perspective today has me wistfully wishing I could just let her brush my hair one more time while I yelp because she was NOT gentle with the tangles 😐 but I would even endure that to just be that little girl for a while. When my birthday was the most important day of my year.   When nothing mattered except being happy and playing all day.  Even as an adult with children of my own, when my parents were with me there was always this little piece of me that felt like I could just breathe.  

I am trying to remember when my birthday started to feel like just another day in the life and if I am truly being honest, it was my 21st.  My parents flew in to surprise me for 1 day (yes, they were THAT fabulous) but of course my boyfriend at the time needed to be picked up (do not ask why-let's just say I liked the bad boys at that time I guess) and when I got to his house he wasn't ready....I was totally freaking out I just wanted to get back to my house to see my parents.  So.....I was doing 90 on the Long Island Expressway---(I wonder if my dad did that the night I was born 😎) My 1972 Dodge began to overheat and there were the flashing lights behind me--did I mention I didn't have any ID or my purse with me?  Needless to say I was frozen in fear.  I guess having a bad boy as a boyfriend came in handy because he definitely was comfortable talking to the Police 😏.  He took the blame told the officer he told me to speed to get off the exit because the car was overheating (smoke WAS pouring out when he popped the hood).  I was really good at getting out of tickets when I lived in NY.  I cried, begged and they eventually let me go.  I cannot even IMAGINE how upset my parents were, we never spoke about it.  I don't even know how long I was gone but when I took him home that night I ended it.  So, that began my birthday's not being stellar...interesting I just realized this now.  The following year the LIRR was on Strike and we drove home from Manhattan in my brother's company van in a blizzard and by the time I got home I was not in the mood for celebrating to say the least....honestly?  I never thought about this until this very moment.  This makes so much sense - yea work on a Thursday looks pretty good now that I think about it.  And at least I got adorable photos and videos of my great nieces today and it didn't even snow!

This week my daughter was extremely sick.  I took care of her, tried to make her life as easy as I could and she apologized and thanked me over and over.  I remember when my mama would take over when I was overwhelmed as a busy mom and I know I probably didn't thank her enough.  I wish I could just go back for one day and stop everything and be with her, be present in her company.  I realized the other day that Catholics don't believe in heaven the way I do - between that and the annulment issues I am REALLY struggling as a Catholic.  Because if I am not reunited with my loved ones, sorry but heaven will be a bit of a disappointment.  Sorry if that's blasphemes but it is how I feel.  Somedays just knowing I will see them again is the only thing that gets me through if I am being real.  And when I do?  I am definitely apologizing for my 21st birthday fiasco - how did it take me 40 years to remember that?!  So, I guess it is not just a day in the life 😇

Ain't no use in complaining, when you got a job to do

 

My daughter does not get sick often...in fact the last time she was sick was 2019!  But, when she gets sick, she gets siiiiiccckkkk. She came home from work so sick on Saturday.  So Saturday night I ran to Walgreens and stocked up on medicine and OJ and Gatorade---most of which I knew she wouldn't even use, but hey, you never know.  As I was driving home, I was struck with such nostalgia.  When my kids were little and would get sick, I realized their dad and I would not only be stressed about them being sick, but the extra expense that comes along with it was added stress.  I thought about how life is so different now, how I go through the store and pick up whatever is needed and I don't even look at the prices.  There is such a freedom in that that I never imagined having.  I realized I missed things and thank heavens for door dash and Walmart delivery because I was not running out again.   But on the way home my mind went to who takes care of me when I am sick.  Thankfully that is rare.  I remember being sick in 2021 for 4 days and that was not common.  When I was married before kids if I got sick my ex-husband was sicker (I actually laughed out loud when I typed that - so typical) so I thought back to my childhood.  I remember my dad being the one to take care of me, which was so bizarre.  He used to make me tea with lemon and honey and I would pour it down the sink and tell him I drank it.  Rocket scientist I was, I didn't wipe the sink down so he knew I was full of it.  I remember once my mom forced me to eat Alphabet soup and I told her it was making me sick...she didn't listen and well, we were spelling things as I threw up the entire bowl.  I remember her holding back my hair (probably feeling awful for making me eat it - creamed spinach 2.0) and I was so annoyed I didn't want to be touched.

I never forced my kids to eat or drink anything they didn't want when they were sick (or ever really).  I remember going for the chocolate Entenmann's and my mom saying THAT's what you're going to eat?  Yup...soothes my soul and always settled my stomach.  Anyway, I digress.  I was really confused as to why it was my dad I remember taking care of me when I was sick, so I asked my sister what she remembered.  She also remembered my dad touching her forehead for a fever in the middle of the night.  She remembered the tea with honey and lemon, and she said my mom making poached eggs on toast (ummm, no I never had that, probably after the Alphabet soup fiasco) My sister realized she never thought about this stuff.  I am weird, I know.  I am very interested in why I do the things I do and what wounds are triggered by what.  I came to the conclusion that my mother had a routine and us being sick was a huge monkey wrench in that routine.  Plus, she was probably very afraid of getting sick herself.  I always found it miraculous that I didn't get whatever my kids had when they were little.  I snuggled them, kissed them, was thrown up on, coughed on - I was kinda indestructible, I guess.  Because I could not afford to get sick!  Which brings me to this morning...I was freezing during the night.  I didn't have chills and it IS winter in SD so yea, I needed more blankets.  But then....my eyes opened and bam.  I felt the feeling.  You know.... that flulike head and your eyes hurt, and my body was not my friend.  I was like ummm no....that is not happening I have to make Chili for 80 people tonight and I have to work and I have absolutely no time to be sick.  Tylenol - check.  Advil - check.  Set alarms to remind myself to give Lu her meds and for me to take mine.  Took the most DISGUSTING cough medicine known to man and poof.  In the kitchen, making chili and feeling normal.  I am so very grateful!  This afternoon my little Lulu even came out of her room!  She's still pretty sick but definitely better.  She's a very good patient which makes it so easy.

I guess the whole point of this was how 1 trip to the drugstore could take me

down this wild nostalgic road this weekend and got me realizing that maybe I got my nurturing side from my dad after all.  I just always assumed it was my mom.  I also realize that most parents or people feel like in order to be well you have to do things that are yucky - maybe because that's what they were always taught.  Not me.  If you're already feeling sick, why not just eat or drink what makes you feel happy.  Kinda like life - why do things you hate just because someone says you have to or it's good for you?  Life is too short to be anything but happy and to do anything but what makes your heart smile surrounded by people who lift you up.  And do your very best to realize...it's never just a day in the life.

It's your birthday now, but you are not here with me

 

Today would have been my mom's 91st birthday.  Last week I thought of something I could do to celebrate her today and I had it all planned out.  Her favorite restaurant, the butterfly garden - I was all set.  But as the day drew closer I just wasn't feeling it.  In fact today I didn't feel like really doing much of anything but I forced myself to go out and enjoy the morning.  I was not sad, surprisingly, I just felt what I normally feel.  I think about my mother every single day and today was no different.  My daughter and I went out and had some fun, then we came across this incredible prayer garden and nature trail and it was truly magical!  I kept thinking how much my mom would have loved it and I knew she was there with us.  I hear her voice so much lately, I wish she was here now that I have more time to devote to her.  When my kids were younger I felt almost like she was another child I had to tend to.  To take care of, to ensure she didn't get her feelings hurt and that she had everything she needed.  It felt like a burden sometimes and I am determined not to ever make my kids feel that way about me.  But with that comes the fact that sometimes you realize your kids don't want to take time to be with you, to speak to you.  It's heartbreaking if I am being honest and I can't help but think that maybe when the time comes that I am no longer here that it won't really matter to them since they didn't take advantage of the time when I was here.  I guess it won't matter because I won't be here to know, but it is something that I think about every now and then.  I would give anything to be able to call her one more time and hear "Tina Bellina what are you doing?" 

I realized the other day that most people that love me call me Tee.  And I can always tell when they are pissed at me because they call me Tina. 😉My mother never called me Tee - she either called me Tina Bellina or Tina Marie.  I called her Woman...
she loved that so much.  My oldest son calls me woman and my daughter calls me Tina Marie - somethings carry on....and I love both.  I miss her.  It makes me sad that my children were robbed of more time with her - especially my daughter.  She would love having time with her as an adult, having my mom teach her to crochet and do the rosary with her and just so many things.  I pray that I have that time with my grandchildren and that they love me the way my kids loved my mom.  

My daughter came home a little while ago with flowers for me.  She texted me asking if I liked strawberry milk and which Cheeze-it's were the ones I liked...I said it's not MY birthday and she said I can't hear you!  (she's a wiseass, just like me).  So she came home with flowers and Cheeze-its (my newest addiction) Reese's peanut butter cups (my oldest addiction) and strawberry milk (they didn't have cotton candy this time)....she makes me so proud and so happy and so blessed.  I pray every day that the closeness we have doesn't stop when she has her own family.  I did my very best to include my mom in the lives of my kids and my life even though she never lived in the same state.  My daughter gives me hope that the tattoos we have stay true and we remain connected.  I struggle to know where I fit into my son's lives and to be honest I am not sure if I do or if I ever will again.  But I will hold hope in my heart for the same connection somehow.  And I pray that some of my ways will continue with my children and grandchildren the same way I continue many of my mothers.  Because some day?  All we will have is this day in the life.   Happy Birthday Mommy!  I hope everything today is yellow for you.....

There's no load I can't hold, a road so rough this I know....

 

It's October 10th....10/10 portal...magical stuff blah blah blah.  I don't really subscribe to that stuff anymore.  I am more of a let's just let God handle whatever comes or goes. And I'll be dipped in sugar molasses and honey butter if that does not work waaaaayyy better than Angel numbers or portals or moon cycles. I was planning to write a blog about my wishes and how they've changed but now I will be blending that with today's events....

I have a journal that gives you daily prompts that you answer every day for 5 years.  It is so that you can see how things change or how they do not.  Yesterday the prompt was: I want a new_____.  Last year I wrote car.  Well....I'm driving it!  This year I wrote that...well you can see above what I asked for - a new start!  The day before was What is your biggest dream. Last year I had one...one I have had for too many years and since that one does not seem to be in my destiny I decided to let it go.  But when I thought about a new dream I realized....I don't have one.  And instead of being sad about it (my first instinct was oh no, does that mean I am depressed or lazy or I have given up?) I realized I am blessed.  I do not spend my days looking for things I don't have.  I am grateful for what I do have and am happy to follow whatever God's will is for my life, even if it doesn't look the way I wanted.  Which brings me to today's events.

I got a call today that most parents dread..."Mom...some guy just plowed into my car."  The shaky voice, she's so damn strong and yet deep inside is a little girl that still needs her mom.  "Ok...are you ok?"  Yes.  "Is he still there?"  Yes. "Does he have insurance?" Did you call the police?  Not yet.  I told him I needed to call you.  Ok, I'll be right there, send me the address.  I got in the car and started driving.  Of course my mind was all over the place.  But my first thought was Thank you God.  Thank you that my baby girl is ok.  Thank you that it was not her fault (sorry but I knew she would be really upset if it was!)  Thank you that I really have no idea how to deal with this since Thank you God I haven't had to.  I thought about calling several people to get advice or opinions and I thought - why?  I am a big girl and I don't need someone else to tell me what I should do.  I've got this!  The way I always relied on my Dad my daughter relies on me and I will do exactly what my father would do and handle it!  Then the times that I have had these issues happen (I was married) ran through my head.  I had forgotten all about those few times.  But I was proud of how far I had come that my first instinct was to thank God for it all.  I was starting to write this blog about gratitude and how grateful I am that God has given me this fabulous place of surrender and how peaceful and joyful my life is and how I am no longer looking for something to bring that to me and that I can't fix anyone else's lives- no matter how much I love them and want to- and I just need to live my own! And then this not so fun thing happened today and it still just reinforced that.  Instead of it just destroying all the progress I've made it made it stronger.  We even felt so badly for the other driver because he was just so nice and patiently waited for me to get there and then for the police and he got a citation for following too close (they were both stopped at the light and he admitted he had things on his mind and just took his foot off the brake- he's human!)  He apologized to my daughter again and again and just took the citation and didn't blink.  The police officer even felt badly too...have I mentioned how much I love living here?!?!?

Last week we were in Arizona so my daughter could meet her niece and we had lunch with one of my besties.  On the way back to my son's house my daughter mentioned how my friend's life seems to stay the same, like she's got all this stuff that has been going on for over 10 years.  I agreed and it also got me thinking how my life would look if I hadn't made all the changes I have and I just could not imagine living in that unhappiness.  Were the changes easy.....ummmm no.  Were they scary?  Not really because I knew that God had me, but to the average person - terrifying.  Were they worth it?  Every...single...one of them!  I can see now why certain things had to happen the way they did.  I can see the things I had to learn to become who I am today (I like her...she's really cool!) And most importantly I have been the example to my daughter of what it means to be self sufficient and happy!  Has everything turned out the way I wanted....no...but the story isn't over yet. I have faith that God will bring me better than I've lost and more than I've dreamed of.  Because I am so grateful for this day in the life......

The miracle God gave to me, gives me strength when I am weak....in my daughter's eyes

Apparently today is National Daughter’s Day. Who knew? In my eyes EVERY day is national daughter's day. And I have the best. I had the strangest dream last night and I had to ask Chat GPT to interpret it because I knew it was important. There was a party, then a snake that turned into an alligator and then into the cutest little Simba like Lion cub. In the dream I was trying to keep the snake out of the house and as I was going to take the dog out - Bam, the snake slid under the door and turned into an alligator. I was kicking it in the mouth trying to keep it from attacking my daughter, myself, and the dog. I was calling for my daughter to get something I was going to use to defeat the alligator and while she was looking for whatever it was I led the alligator out of the house. It then turned into the cutest little simba like lion cub. Chat GPT asked where the fear was while I was fighting the snake and the alligator- my stomach, throat, chest? Fear? What is that? I did not feel fear, I said, I was too busy protecting my daughter and the dog. 🤔 Well apparently that changed the whole thing. What stood out to me was that Chat said that even though my daughter was not actively involved she was learning everything she needed by watching me.... learning her lessons and how to behave from observing me all these years.

That got me thinking back over so many times. When I decided to get

divorced.  What struck me the hardest was watching her play with her dollhouse and I thought - Oh my- she is going to think this is how a husband treats his wife. This is a healthy marriage.... oh no, we cannot have that! So, I was not strong enough to leave for myself but for her? Absolutely! Then fast forward through the next 13 years and she has watched me handle---well.... A LOT! And she has learned not to quit.  Not to give in.  She has learned how to set boundaries and find her voice.  Lately she has reminded me so much of my younger self, only stronger and smarter and definitely more beautiful!  She has been watching, and I am grateful she picked up on the strengths.

 

I am so grateful that I have had her all to myself for the last 3 years.  It has been just the two of us as we finally were able to regulate our nervous systems after over a decade of pain, grief, chaos, disappointment, betrayal and so much more.  We have forged a bond that I can confidently say will never be broken.  Obviously, I will always have her back, I am her mom, but I also know she has mine.  I know that no matter what, she will always be my ride or die.

 We have decided it is time to rejoin the world and begin to make a life for ourselves here.  We went to an event the other night and we were put

into separate groups.  I watched her from afar mingle and get to know people and my heart was bursting with pride.  She is all the best parts of me.  When the end of the evening came, she was waiting at the door for me and my new friend said, "there's your beautiful daughter" and I smiled and as we all started chatting they said "you guys have an accent" - try as I might I just can't seem to escape that, but my daughter was so happy!  She said, “I love hearing that!" And as we talked more someone said - "you are so much alike!"  We laughed and I swore I could not have been prouder.  She has grown into the most fabulous human being, and I am just so incredibly grateful to have had this time with her, just the two of us, as the next phase of life starts.  And it is starting.... I feel it.  I know she will be able to manage whatever life throws at her and she HAS learned from watching me...I can see that.  But today while we were out exploring the world separately, I let out a heartfelt prayer - Lord please protect her heart.  Please send her people to lift her up and appreciate her for the incredibly kind and smart and amazing person she is.  And send her a man who will love her unconditionally.  Please do not let her heart be broken the way mine has - please spare her that part of life. Send her a partner

who will support her and love her and not let her down - someone who knows how very blessed he is to have captured her heart - because she deserves EVERY good thing in this world and what is more? She's earned it! In watching me battle what life has thrown over the last decade especially she has already lived through more than a young girl should---let the next chapter lead to her happily ever after, because she is the best of me and deserves the best life has to offer.  And not just a day in the life!

 

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before

 I keep thinking about this being the autumn of my life....and this is my first autumn in 20 years and I am so excited!  But then there is the nagging voice that says - honey you're almost in the winter of your life don't kid yourself- I can usually shut that voice up with some chocolate.

This morning during an insightful conversation with my daughter we both came to the conclusion that we treasure peace over anything else.  She reminds me of the me I was in my early 20's.  Before motherhood and my 30's changed my view on life and the world.  When I was still the most important person in my life - I'm bringing that back.  I no longer crave approval from anyone.  It is a definite internal struggle because I still love BIG and I want to make people's lives easier in any way I can .... but it can no longer be at

the cost of my peace.  I have worked way too hard to get to this place of peace and dare I say joy again to lose it.  Is it lonely?  Sometimes.  But I have realized I am no longer willing to beg someone to want me in their life.  If you can't see what I bring to the table or to your life, then I'll remove your seat.  I will always allow people to return - until I don't - so if your seat at my table is gone, I think you need to ask yourself why.  Chances are I gave you everything I had including more chances than you deserved.  

Life is busy these days, full these days.  I have realized that all these years I put people above God.  Not intentionally, but it was a form of worship I am realizing.  And those people have left me, hurt me, ignored me and didn't value me the way that God does. I never have to beg God to spend time with me - to talk to me - to understand my point of view - He just DOES. There are a few people that I have regular contact with. Why is it that I can have daily voice

texts with my friends in Ireland and in Canada but people that I have given so much of myself to can't find 5 minutes to say "hey, how are you?"    Because you make time for the people that matter, that's why! A few of my other loved ones -there was a couple of weeks that life got out of control, and I didn't return their calls (totally unlike me!) and when things calmed down and I apologized they said "Never apologize - I get it!  Call me when you can!"  That is friendship.   In the past I would have stressed out that I didn't respond but I can't do that anymore.  Because hardly anyone does that for me.  I send messages that aren't responded to for days.  People that I have loved with all my heart that never think to check on me.  I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt.  It does....a LOT.  But as I said, I won't push myself in anyone's life ever again.  Now I am working on the hurt and dare I admit, anger that still pops up.  The feeling that I am not important enough to have someone make time for me, to miss me, to see how I am doing.  I know I have an extremely positive outlook on life.... I have faith that can move mountains.  But I am human, and I have struggles and heartache and things that keep me up at night.  Just because I carry it well does not mean it isn't heavy!  But lucky for me Jesus is always just a conversation away and He is always ready to take a seat at my table.   How blessed am I?  And that realization....is not just a day in the life!

He looks at me with those big brown eyes, he's got me in the palm of his hands

 I became a Gigi last week.  My first grandbaby was born 4 weeks early and I am still in disbelief how this little boy is now a dad.  It was just yesterday that I was woken up and told he had a fever, and I needed to authorize a spinal tap for my 3-day old infant.  Now?  He is a dad.  He is dealing with pediatrician appointments and hospitals and bottles and diapers.  How?  But I can tell you something - I have been proud of him millions (that is NOT an exaggeration!) of times in his 27 years on this earth, but never more than I am right at this moment.  

When my daughter in law was in labor, I was glued to my phone the entire night waiting for updates.  Early in the morning that Monday I got the text that SJ was born!  That first photo came through and I just lost my breath.  It was like her father was born all over again.  All I could see was his little face.  Now I know she will be her own person, and she will have traits of both her parents, obviously.  But when my son was born all ANYONE could see was my father's face (still do!) and when his daughter was born, I saw his.  

I got a phone call late on Saturday that he needed me to come to Arizona.  I was on a flight the next day ready to meet my granddaughter.  I was not prepared for the emotion I felt when I saw MY BABY coming off that elevator in that deserted hospital pushing his preemie daughter in the stroller.  I was unsure of how I would feel the first time I saw that perfect little girl, but my first instinct and my first reaction was to hold my son.  I am not sure he will understand until his daughter is grown how a parent never outgrows that instinct to comfort and protect their child.  But he's a man...he's a husband and a father - I need to know my place and remember it.  But in that moment?  He was my child.

Watching him this week caring for his daughter (who, by the way is perfection in human form - not because she's my granddaughter - but because she is!) and his wife I have never been prouder of the man he has become.  I insisted they both get sleep and let me have the night shift - it was not easy because they are already amazing parents - but they relinquished and let me take the middle of the night/early morning shift.  The gift that that was to me I cannot describe.  Sitting and holding her and feeding her and just staring at her perfect little face I was transported back to when her daddy was born. It was the bliss I didn't necessarily get to experience when my babies were small.  I had too many other people I had to take into consideration. But those middle of the night feedings when it was just me and my kids when they were babies was a special kind of magic.

Being a Gigi is a second chance.  But more than that it is getting to see my son experience it for the first time.  Watching him feel all the feelings - watching

him grow into this new role.  Watching him excel at it, like he has done in every area of his life.  I can't help but think that somehow, he will remember when I kissed the boo boos and I protected him from anything and everything I could, that I still would if he would let me.  That I was and always will be there for him whenever he needs me.  Although we are separated by states and time zones, nothing will ever stop me from being there whenever he needs. And that little girl is so incredibly lucky to have him as her daddy. And I am so lucky to have him as my son.  This past week?  Was not just a day in the life...it was the beginning of a whole new one.

Look how much time it took to get right here, but God's timing is perfect

 
Today is the end of an era.  My baby got her driver's license. Now I need to buy a new car because this one is hers and it has been hers since 2021, she just couldn't drive it alone. Some might say well she's 21 what took so long.  And to those I say - zip it skippy!  You have no idea!  So I will tell you.  I will remind you that God's timing is perfect and everything happens exactly when it's meant to and not a moment sooner.  So here we go.

Anyone who has driven in that state of Florida can attest that they are the worst drivers around.  The I4 is the most dangerous highway in the country.  And they let kids get their licenses at 16 years old.  Um, no.  Not in my world.  My sons were both licensed in Arizona where I believe it was 16 also.  They did not get their licenses until I felt they were ready.  My daughter was no different.  My oldest and youngest were both very nervous behind the wheel.  My middle son was born to drive, there was no hesitation at all.  I never wanted to teach my children how to drive.  I am not a very good teacher of things I have been doing practically my whole life.  But there was no one else so I had to.  But my daughter - well I tried to get my son and daughter in law to teach her, but she was really so anxious and it didn't work.  So, I offered to get her driving lessons - nope - she was having none of that.  So....we waited.  I was praying for someone to come along and take this task off my hands, but no one was coming to rescue me.  Luckily, she was in no hurry to get her license so it never was a big issues.  When we moved from Florida to South Dakota something just clicked.  She got behind the wheel the first time here and it was like she had been driving her whole life.  There was no anxiety, there was no hesitation, she just did it.  Which leads me to the point of this blog....when it's time (God's time) nothing will stand in the way.  If you try to force things that are not in God's timing you will be met with obstacles and challenges and you will still get there if you're meant to - however it will be a tedious journey.

Surrendering everything to God's timing is second nature for me.  But I had a conversation with my dearfriend the other day about trusting God to provide when you've spent most of your life being the person who provided for everyone else is not easy.  I get that.  For them the issue was financial - worrying about how to pay for things when there is just not enough money coming in.  I spent most of my marriage telling my ex that God will provide and he would be furious with me, called me Pollyanna, Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm, several other not so nice things that I will not repeat.  It was then that I started to realize my faith wasn't something everyone had.  My daddy instilled so much faith in me and I didn't realize it then.  He was not big on the bible or religion and his lessons felt more like just life wisdom than instilling faith, but looking back I realize that my dad really was a man of God (how I miss that man every day!)  Side note, my daughter put on her ring with her Pop's dates on it alone today because she knew she needed just Pop to be with her while she drove the car he left her almost 4 years ago - he is the father every girl should have.    Back to God's timing.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they were saying that when you pray for something and it takes a really long time for God to answer, or maybe God just answers with a no - that is protection.  Last week an amazing event unfolded so magically that I just couldn't help but be in AWE of how God took a cancelled appointment and made it into this magical event that put me where I needed to be at just the right time and an encounter with people that were definitely meant to be in my life and it was just such a God moment that I am not going to write about, at some point I will do a video about it - and it led to another meeting the next day that was completely unrelated but God meshed them together.  Mind-blowing.  If you look back at your life to certain times when you were told no by God or redirected and now it all makes sense, it should remind you that God's timing is perfect and you are not late or behind you are exactly where you are meant to be.  Unless of course you are stubborn and don't listen and keep procrastinating - then....well then....God will forcibly move you or make life SO uncomfortable until you wind up where you are meant to.  Trust - total reliance upon spiritual timing.  And these days?  They are not just a day in the life.

Hush little baby don’t you cry, momma’s gonna love you all your life

I sent this to all three of my adult children today.  My oldest has been the only one to reply thus far. He made me cry and from the photo he sent me of himself moments later I think it made him cry

too.  He told me he never expected perfection from me - but he knows I expected it from myself pre Lu (my youngest).  He said he realized during those years that I would beat myself  up for not being perfect.  Wow.  Who says kids don’t know anything?  It is interesting that my change came after I moved out of NY to AZ and had my last child.  That time definitely ushered a change in me and I think it’s interesting that he picked up on that at only 9 years old.  It took me way longer to see that.  And I never realized that I was trying to be perfect, but apparently other people did.  I remember my in-laws accusing me of being the “perfect mother” when I knew damn well I was not.  But I strived to be I suppose.  Why wouldn’t I?  I had these three perfect humans that were entrusted to me to raise.  I didn’t want to screw it up - but I made tons of mistakes.  Some they tell me about now that I don’t even remember.  So, I have forgiven myself for being less than perfect.  I did the best I could at the time and I loved them completely with every fiber of my being, more than I thought was humanly possible.  I still do.  And I struggle daily with the fact that I can’t fix anything in their lives anymore.  As my daughter told me recently, Mom you have to stop trying to control things - we have to struggle on our own to grow.  Well I didn’t sign up for that!  She’s right I know.  Now I limit my attempts to make things better to praying feverishly for them day and night.  As my dad said to me more than once - give it to God, He’s up all night anyway.  I remember my mother telling me she worried about me and prayed all night about my marriage and my choices and I remember thinking - Why?  I am fine!  HA!  Sorry mom - I get it now.  Oh boy do I get it.

My son asked me this morning what I wanted for this next (last) phase of my life.  I told him - peace, love and joy.  I used to say happiness - but I want joy again.  I miss these conversations with him, they aren’t

always possible so when they are I embrace them.  But I do cry a LOT.  Over the weekend I was sitting outside and just being still and I realize how much peace I have living here.  I have experienced so many firsts and I find myself wishing I had raised my kids here.  But, I know God had other plans.  Every day I just feel so grateful to live here.  I tried my first walking taco this weekend, my first farmer’s market, so many firsts.  And every person I meet gives me hope that God is putting the right people on my path.  I pray that He is doing the same for my children-I know He is.  I don’t even know where I was going with this blog…oh yes healing!  I think I have been healing A LOT in dreams lately and life just continues to amaze me.

I have never dreamt a lot that I remember.  But lately I’ve been dreaming a ton and they’re vivid and detailed and I remember them when I wake up.  So, I have been going to my friendly CHATGPT to decipher them and wow. WOW!  It also gives me journal prompts to figure out what things I am still working on.  Well I’ll be darned if there is still a ton of stuff I need to work on.  (Maybe I do strive for perfection in myself-whoops!). My latest dreams have brought up how people just continuously do not follow through where I am concerned.  People make promises they don’t keep, offer things they do not intend to give and the best question was “What emotional responsibilities are you carrying that might not actually belong to me and what part of me wants to “Clean up” while others seem to be making a mess and really not caring.  Those were just a few of the outcomes of those dream analyses.  Well talk about feeling called out!  I thought I had let go of all that!  I have learned not to expect people to follow through, I have learned to expect to be disappointed therefore alleviating the disappointment.  But I guess the carrying other people’s emotional baggage is still something I need to clear. Say no more - working on it.

Recently God has been telling me to send things to people that I feel could help them or applies to them.  It is awkward, truth be told, to reach out to someone without knowing if my spiritual nudges are accurate.  The other day I sent a message to a friend and was told that my timing was impeccable and that they were just thinking about how much they needed me that morning.  Ok, well that went well.  I have been sending messages in the mail to people I don’t speak to often and I have gotten a lot of messages back that it was exactly what they needed at that moment in time.  Alrighty then, maybe I am onto something (who am I kidding, it’s all God and He does not make mistakes!). So…in this next stage of life, living in the most magical place maybe my goal will not be perfection.  Maybe, just maybe I will strive to just be unapologetically me and embrace the love that comes my way.  It’s time to open up my heart to new experiences and new connections and just be grateful for whatever life throws at me.  Because I am truly grateful for this day in the life.

Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands

 This morning my daughter took the wheel and I was forced to surrender control and so many things came together in that 15 mile drive.  We joked - Jesus take the wheel - and as we were driving I realized how much I am on autopilot when I drive and honestly in my life. She thanked me for being patient, but I did not feel patient.  My cousin texted Jesus take the wheel and I laughed at the repetitive message God was sending.  I believe in God's magic, His ability to change things in a moment - to perform miracles.  I have just lost hope that those will be to my benefit.

I began last week with some fated meetings at the airport and in the hotel lobby during my trip to Arizona to shower my future granddaughter with love and presents.  It reminded me how God has a plan and certain meetings and people are brought into your life in an instant.  I was full of hope and excitement about what these meetings could bring in the future. By the time this week ended I realized my intuition is broken and nothing that I really believed was going to happen is happening. But I was reminded to once again hand everything over to God and to give up my vision for my life and my children's lives for His vision.  Jesus take the wheel.

I realized that my heart has grown cold and I don't allow myself to feel the way I used to.  Until I saw

my son waiting at the gate for my arrival.  One look at his handsome face and the tears flowed.  My heart swelled and ached with missing him at the same time.  He has a life now that I am really not apart of and I was reminded of how my parents must have felt every time they stepped off a plane to me and my children who had grown since the last time they saw them.  It is really difficult to imagine that I was so oblivious to how they were feeling because I was consumed with how I was feeling.  I realized the next time I see him he will be a father and I will be coming to see my beautiful Granddaughter.  The thought of that makes me break down in tears and his entire life flashes before my eyes.  When he was born, kindergarten graduation, baseball games, first communion/confirmation, hospital visits, surgeries, high school graduation, leaving the airport after dropping him at college, moving away again and again, his wedding - how is that all behind us?  I had time alone with him and time with just him and his sister and I remembered how it used to be.  How is that time gone?  And normally I embrace each phase as it comes and as excited as I am to be a Gigi, I would give anything to go back in time and live my children's childhoods over again.  I have never felt that way before and thank God, because it is heartbreaking.

I have never lived with regret, and I still don't.  I don't regret anything except believing my intuition

about certain situations.  It was wrong so many times I am realizing.  I thought maybe my intuition was just behind divine timing playing out.  But I am realizing what I thought was intuition was just merely wishful thinking.  So now what?  Where do I go from here?  This week the term hobby was thrown around a bit.  What are your hobbies?  Hmmm.  Good question.  One I do not have an answer to.  Should I?  Do I need to develop hobbies?  It got me to thinking and I started asking people what are your hobbies?  I realize women have way less than men.  Men will say golf, fishing, running, hiking, gardening, insert a sport.  When I ask women they pause - and most don't have an answer.  Why?  I think it's because women as a whole focus more on relationships then on hobbies - maybe I am being sexist or some other non-politically correct thought.  But at the moment that is how I feel.  I have poured my entire life into relationships - partner, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and I have realized that no one treasures those relationships with me like I do with them.  I have spent the last several years focusing on myself and building my sense of self worth and pursuing what makes me happy.  But I am who I am and who I am is a woman who loves so fucking deeply and who will never receive that same love back no matter what the relationship.  And now?  I am okay with that.  It is who I am and I am done apologizing for it.  The difference is now I don't forget to love myself and accept myself for who I am, even if no one else does- I know what I bring to the table and I know that the people I choose to keep in my life and give that love to are lucky to have it.  And those who have lost that, well sucks to be you honestly because you'll never find that commitment, caring and love again.  My oldest son told me the other day I love mommy 2.0 - me too son; me too!

I realized my level of gratitude for the things God has provided has been lacking.  I have been in a place of sadness and disappointment for things that will never be and things that once were that are gone now.  It is time to count my blessings again and even if they don't look the way I hoped, I've been gifted another day in the life.

Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy

Two blogs in one week?  It's not possible!  However, the more things change the more they stay the same.  I feel like the weight of the world is crashing down on me this week and it's not a feeling I am used to anymore.  I have created a very peaceful, calm existence for myself and it has taken me years to cultivate.  There have been a lot of goodbyes, see ya later or never to get me to this point and I am okay with that.  There is peace in letting go of situations and relationships that just make you feel....well badly---or less than---or unimportant.  I always know when it's time to move on from a person or a situation.  When it is causing me more pain or sadness than anything else than it doesn't belong in my life anymore.  There are, however, certain things that I can't get away from no matter how hard I try.  I have gotten better at blocking out the affect these things have on me, however - just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy.  Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me or sometimes consume me.

There are the mornings like this when I wake up to text messages that make my heart drop and my stomach twist in knots.  Texts that used to cripple me and have me in a panic for days....weeks even.  But I have responsibilities that can't just be ignored and I have to show up and be "on".  It's funny, my daughter mentioned yesterday the first trip that we took solo that began the years of us being "travel buddies".  She mentioned how it was so fun.  I laughed and said "If you only knew what was going on in my head and my nerves were on the outside of my body" (we were going to Florida to take care of  my mom and take her to her radiation appointments) I was leaving my 15 year old son and my 19 year old son home alone in Arizona -  Seems like not such a big deal right?  Well it was - they did not get along and my 19 year old was not reliable.)  Add that to the fact that I knew my mother was dying.  No one else wanted to believe me, but I knew it in my soul.  It made me realize that I am pretty good at hiding my inner turmoil apparently.  I smiled through the whole week and no one would ever have known how truly overwhelmed and anxious I was inside.  I became really good at that because 5 years before that my middle son (at 10 years old) had cancer.  That's when I really mastered the art of smiling on the outside and crumbling on the inside.  

It seems like a great thing to be able to cope with things while smiling and not bringing the rest of the world down, but is it?  I am not so sure.  But it was necessary, as I had 3 children to protect and also I despise pity.  NEVER tell me you feel sorry for me because I will lose my shit.  So----I learned to wear the mask and it became quite comfortable.  It became my persona.  Only a very few select people got to see the disfigured human underneath that mask.  She was not a pretty sight.  I don't like her if I am being honest, she's weak.  No thank you. I don't do weak or pity - yuck - so unattractive.  For me!  In others I can sympathize, empathize, commiserate - I don't expect anyone to be like me.  I am not so sure it's healthy, honestly.  This week is showing me that.  This morning I  let it all out in a phone call and I allowed myself to be raw and vulnerable.  I admitted I have no clue how to feel or what to do or how I am going to get through it.  But I will.  I always do.  But it is really comforting to have someone who just gets it!  Who says - I put myself in your shoes and I feel sick to my stomach!  Yes!  THANK YOU!  That's exactly it.  And also - I don't know what to tell you because I have no idea what I would do!  Yes!  THANK YOU again!  I don't expect anyone to fix what's going on - it's not fixable.  But coupled with the fact that this week has shown me that I am always having to cave to other people's ways of doing things with no regard to how it affects ME - is just too much!  

I feel betrayed by some, I feel neglected and dismissed by others, I feel used and taken for granted by others still.  But what will I do?  I will carry on, put a smile on my face and do what needs to be done one day at a time.  And I will find ways to drizzle joy into those days because life is too short!  2025 is halfway over already!  So I will love the people who love me back, find a way to move on from situations that seem to hurt me no matter what I do to avoid it and I will adjust the mask when it's necessary and take it off when I feel safe.  At this moment, it is truly just a day in the life-