Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy

Two blogs in one week?  It's not possible!  However, the more things change the more they stay the same.  I feel like the weight of the world is crashing down on me this week and it's not a feeling I am used to anymore.  I have created a very peaceful, calm existence for myself and it has taken me years to cultivate.  There have been a lot of goodbyes, see ya later or never to get me to this point and I am okay with that.  There is peace in letting go of situations and relationships that just make you feel....well badly---or less than---or unimportant.  I always know when it's time to move on from a person or a situation.  When it is causing me more pain or sadness than anything else than it doesn't belong in my life anymore.  There are, however, certain things that I can't get away from no matter how hard I try.  I have gotten better at blocking out the affect these things have on me, however - just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy.  Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me or sometimes consume me.

There are the mornings like this when I wake up to text messages that make my heart drop and my stomach twist in knots.  Texts that used to cripple me and have me in a panic for days....weeks even.  But I have responsibilities that can't just be ignored and I have to show up and be "on".  It's funny, my daughter mentioned yesterday the first trip that we took solo that began the years of us being "travel buddies".  She mentioned how it was so fun.  I laughed and said "If you only knew what was going on in my head and my nerves were on the outside of my body" (we were going to Florida to take care of  my mom and take her to her radiation appointments) I was leaving my 15 year old son and my 19 year old son home alone in Arizona -  Seems like not such a big deal right?  Well it was - they did not get along and my 19 year old was not reliable.)  Add that to the fact that I knew my mother was dying.  No one else wanted to believe me, but I knew it in my soul.  It made me realize that I am pretty good at hiding my inner turmoil apparently.  I smiled through the whole week and no one would ever have known how truly overwhelmed and anxious I was inside.  I became really good at that because 5 years before that my middle son (at 10 years old) had cancer.  That's when I really mastered the art of smiling on the outside and crumbling on the inside.  

It seems like a great thing to be able to cope with things while smiling and not bringing the rest of the world down, but is it?  I am not so sure.  But it was necessary, as I had 3 children to protect and also I despise pity.  NEVER tell me you feel sorry for me because I will lose my shit.  So----I learned to wear the mask and it became quite comfortable.  It became my persona.  Only a very few select people got to see the disfigured human underneath that mask.  She was not a pretty sight.  I don't like her if I am being honest, she's weak.  No thank you. I don't do weak or pity - yuck - so unattractive.  For me!  In others I can sympathize, empathize, commiserate - I don't expect anyone to be like me.  I am not so sure it's healthy, honestly.  This week is showing me that.  This morning I  let it all out in a phone call and I allowed myself to be raw and vulnerable.  I admitted I have no clue how to feel or what to do or how I am going to get through it.  But I will.  I always do.  But it is really comforting to have someone who just gets it!  Who says - I put myself in your shoes and I feel sick to my stomach!  Yes!  THANK YOU!  That's exactly it.  And also - I don't know what to tell you because I have no idea what I would do!  Yes!  THANK YOU again!  I don't expect anyone to fix what's going on - it's not fixable.  But coupled with the fact that this week has shown me that I am always having to cave to other people's ways of doing things with no regard to how it affects ME - is just too much!  

I feel betrayed by some, I feel neglected and dismissed by others, I feel used and taken for granted by others still.  But what will I do?  I will carry on, put a smile on my face and do what needs to be done one day at a time.  And I will find ways to drizzle joy into those days because life is too short!  2025 is halfway over already!  So I will love the people who love me back, find a way to move on from situations that seem to hurt me no matter what I do to avoid it and I will adjust the mask when it's necessary and take it off when I feel safe.  At this moment, it is truly just a day in the life-

I wanna take a minute or two and give much respect due To the man that's made a difference in my world

 

Happy Birthday in Heaven Daddy!  He would have been 95 today. I miss him just as much today as I did when he passed.  But today I want to celebrate the man he was and the impact he had on my life and the lives of my children.  It is a big one.  And the more that time goes by and I realize similarities in people and situations, the more I realize that my dad was not an ordinary man.  Quite the opposite.  I believe he was a rare breed, one that I pray my daughter finds in her future spouse.  I know he was not perfect, and I am sure my mom had her issues with him as a husband, but the more I observe men and their similarities the more I realize my dad was not like most men.

My dad was a hardworking man.  He provided for us up until the day he passed if I am being honest.  However, unlike most men I come in contact with my dad was not defined by what he did for a living.  He worked to provide for his

family.  He worked long hours most days, but when he came home?  Work was left behind.  I remember a few funny dinnertime stories about a customer he had in the chair that day, or a sad story when one of his regulars passed away and he attended the funeral.  Other than that - his concern was inside the walls of our home.  He wanted to ensure that we were raised properly (often told a story from my grandpa saying when you plant a tree if the roots are strong even though the branches might grow crooked the roots stay firm).  I find his words come back to me so frequently and they hit me in different ways.  

My daughter and I were discussing the other day how men often talk a big game.  They have grand ideas and plans, yet they often don't follow through with what they say they will do.  I am quite the opposite.  If I say I am going to do something, I do it.  My kids will tell you that if mommy made a promise, they knew that I would stick to it.  If I said I was going to do something I did it -

where they knew their father would often spout off things in the moment and not follow through.  I often thought that was something that was singular to his personality, however when my daughter and I were discussing this we rattled off similarities of this theory and came to the conclusion it is very common with men.   I realized that my dad always did what he said he would do.  I also realized my middle son does as well.  If he says he is going to do something, he will do it.  I am extremely proud of him for that (along with a plethora of other things!!) He truly reminds me so much of my dad in so many ways and as he prepares to become a father, I know that my father will be guiding him, and his words will come to my son.  I believe he will be a kinder, gentler version of the father my dad was, and my granddaughter is so lucky to have him as a dad.

I could go on and on about stories about my dad and why he was just such a big part of shaping me as an adult.  As a child, it was definitely more my mother but as an adult?  Wow, my dad was just my rock, and he is why I will not settle for less than I deserve anymore.  He raised me to be strong - but he didn't want me to have to bear my burdens alone.  I know he wanted me to have someone to share the load with and I am sure he is working magic in heaven to show me that there are men that are like him.  Men that mean what they say

and say what they mean.  I ask him every day to provide that for my daughter.  I pray she will not have to have her heart broken the way mine has been.  I pray my father will deliver a man worthy of her - a man my daddy would approve of.  And I know my mom is whipping up a fresh strawberry shortcake today and my dad is shaking his gifts guessing what's in them.   Take today off Daddy - we will all be fine!  I am, after all, your daughter!  And today is a significant day in the life.

 

But if it's not love, that you need. Then I'll try my best to make everything succeed!

 Today is Mother's Day.  It's a day that I have never really completely embraced as a happy one.  For the last 10 years I have mourned my mother on this day.  I have felt broken and split in many pieces.  I also have not been fortunate enough to say that I get to talk to all 3 of my children every year.  But I am no longer looking back in life.  I don't live there anymore.  I am focusing on each day as it unfolds and finding the gratitude in that day.  Today?  Today was a good one!  I got to talk to all 3 of my blessings.  And I am realizing that maybe I didn't screw up too badly.  I know there are things that I could have, should have done differently, but I love those 3 people more than anything else in the world.  And next year, I will be promoted to Gigi.  That little girl is so loved, and she hasn't even arrived yet.  So, yes - today was a good day!  And I am so very grateful!  

I have never expected anything on Mother's Day.  I remember stressing every year about how to make Mother's Day perfect for my mom (my father was kinda a hardass about that) and I don't think we ever succeeded or met those expectations - I never wanted my children to feel that and that is why I do not allow myself to have them.  In fact, I really don't allow myself to have expectations for anything anymore.  So, when a day like today happens and I get that overwhelming sense of joy inside my heart that leak out of my eyes, I am even more grateful!  I have loved these humans since before they were born, and I saw something today that explains it so eloquently - Being a mother is like having your heart walk around outside your body in the outside world and praying that people and situations are kind to them.  It isn't always the case and that heartbreak weighs on me heavily.  But today, I am willing, will be the beginning of a year full of days like this.  Days where my heart is full and I feel gratitude and joy and I just know it is all going to be okay.

I have come to a place where I do not ask anyone to remain in my life.  If you don't want to be part of my life, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.  If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best (and the best is yet to come I feel that in my soul!)  I am not the same person I was last year or 6 months ago and you should not expect me to be.  When you stay stuck in the same place you aren't really living.  I have spent too long not really living and it is time to change that!  I am going to be a Gigi for goodness' sake; I need to be the best version of myself.  I want my grandchildren to remember me the way my children remember my mom - I want to have adventures and share my life with someone and for that to happen I need to live my best life, and I will.  For those who will remain along for the ride - let's go!  For those who don't? It was fun while it lasted.  But for me?  Every day will be the best day in a life!

So if this is the last night and you're feeling hollow I'll give you my half life so you'll see tomorrow

 I was planning to write a blog about manipulation. And how I’m very naive to it when I love someone.  But wait I need to start at the beginning. 

I’m not easily manipulated…I can usually smell bullshit from a mile away.  I am a pretty good judge of character and am not easily swayed or pressured into doing anything I don’t want to do (which took decades but that’s another story).  I was going to say that I’m not easily manipulated unless I love you.  Then? I’m like a doe eyed deer who has such faith in you that I can’t believe you would ever purposefully do anything to manipulate me.  Why? Because I love you (duh!) and I don’t give my love to just any random human.  Unless you share my dna- then you get a free pass and I love you because you’re my family.  That as well has changed over time.  I remember my daddy saying “I love (fill in the blank) because they’re my (fill in the blank) but I don’t like them.  Bam!   That stuck with me for sure.  However, putting it into practice and differentiating the two took a long time (I’m slow when it comes to matters of the heart).  

Now I have been manipulated by people I love many times.  My daughter will say “Ma you do what you think is best but I just don’t want you to be manipulated because you feel guilty”. How did she get so wise?  But when I looked at the actual definition of manipulation today (the action of influencing or controlling someone or something to your advantage, often without anyone knowing it) I realized that perhaps it’s NOT manipulation but an issue with the way I handle love.  It’s not necessarily that someone is manipulating me—-it’s that when I love someone I want to do everything in my power to make their lives better.  If they’re unhappy and I can do something to ease that—I want to!!!  Because I love them.  That’s not their fault it’s my issue-right?  They’re not asking me to love them this way-in fact maybe it’s irritating to them who knows.  

Some Wednesday wisdom huh?  I started out trying to advise people against being manipulated by people they love when in fact I just realized I’m not being manipulated—I just love too intensely.  So what do I do?  Stay tuned because that’s something I’m going to have to figure out—-it will be another day in the life. 

Easy like Sunday mourning...

 

This morning I woke up (if you can call it that - I was literally up every hour 19 minutes past the hour) and I felt unnerved.  It is Sunday - the most perfect day of the week for me - so literally What the fuck?  I slept in (I need to not do that, it is NOT good for me) and felt like I had lost my best friend.  I did my usual, grabbed my coffee and went to start my morning routine.  I started with my journal because lately after doing my gratitude, time with God and prayer journal I have nothing to say in my journal because I feel so good.  So today I started backwards.  And out it flowed.  Tomorrow marks the 10 year anniversary of losing my mom.  10 years - how?  It feels like yesterday, how have 10 years passed? It made me think of all that has happened since she left and then it all started flowing.  Losing her was so painful, but during that time the other part of my life ended and I believe that is what I am still grieving.  I hadn't thought about it before in that way.  My daughter and I always talk about the last decade being so painful and with so many changes and we firmly believe this next decade will be one of peace and happiness.  We have definitely earned it.  I think she has for sure.  When I look at life from her point of view the fact that she is as magical as she is shocks me.  But, you'll have to read her blog for that stuff - she is a gifted writer and not afraid to share her journey.  https://substack.com/@thechakrafairy

But this is about my grief and what I realized this morning I am grieving.  I am grieving my fairy tale, my happily ever after.  My dream of having that home with the welcoming front porch covered in grandchildren and my children close by.  Holidays and dinners with me in the kitchen with my loving husband as we exchange knowing glances as we watch the grandchildren play and our adult children playing a game at the table or simply watching something on TV and catching up on life and their views. This....this was my lifelong dream and it's one that I am realizing I need to let go of.  It's not in the cards for me - my first grandbaby is being born across the country this year, my oldest son is not in my life and that loving husband has never materialized.  And after writing in my gratitude journal about how grateful I am for the life I have I said I am always feeling like there should be more - and that other people have these grand dreams and plans and I don't.  I am quite content with my life and I KNOW how lucky and blessed I am - every single day.  I have things that a lot of people long for - I have faith, and peace and dare I say happiness these days.  But in order to fully embrace all the good in my life, I have to grieve what is left behind.  

As I wrote a letter to my mom this morning and I told her about all the things I have to be grateful for she reminded me of what I had lost on the way to this point.  That is where it all came out.  My dreams and goals from when I was a little girl were so very different than most people.  I achieved them, but they don't look the way I had hoped.  And that's okay - life rarely looks the way you thought it would, but that doesn't make if any less blessed.  It is also okay to mourn the life you thought you would have, just don't set up camp and stay there.  Because today is a beautiful day in the life.

It's Me - Hi - I'm the problem it's me.....or is it?

This week was full of dreams that I could not remember when I woke up, but I knew they were somehow significant.  My friend Jill tells me that your subconscious does a lot of healing while you sleep, and the dreams help you process emotions that might be too hard to process when you are awake.  I never really thought about dreams before because I never remembered having them until probably this past year or so.  Chat GPT is fantastic for interpreting your dreams when you remember them.  This week I couldn't.  Probably for the best. But it has left me wondering (as usual) what it is that I am doing wrong in my life.  There are people that I have loved completely and wholly, and they just are not in my life anymore.  I am taken for granted (I feel) by most people that I love completely.  Is it me?  Am I the problem?  I have wracked my brain for years to figure out why the people I love so completely have hurt me so deeply and tossed me aside like yesterday's trash. I am just not important enough for people to choose me. What am I doing wrong?  So, I've altered my personality as much as I can.  I do not allow people to have access to all of me anymore.  I have chosen to put myself first and avoid things that make me feel awful.  I am a firm believer that if you can't change something, you need to let it go.  I want to teach everyone this important fact.  If there is something in your life that you can change - DO IT!  What the hell are you waiting for?  Why live with something that keeps repeating itself if you have the power to change it?  Swallow your damn pride and ego and just DO IT!  I have.  Many, many times.  I have learned how to take accountability when I have done something wrong.  I have learned to apologize (something I could not do in my earlier decades).  I have learned to change the things that I can change, whether that be my address, my job, my circle of people, my weight, my diet, my routines - whatever the case may be.  But what about the things I can't?

So, I stay in my bubble.  I cannot force someone to choose me, to choose to have me in their life, to accept me for who I am.  I cannot force someone to include me - to include me in their life, in their heart. So, I do what I need to do to accept that.  To accept that sometimes the people that you love so deeply just don't care enough to love you back.  But if this happens repeatedly - am I the problem?  What am I doing that makes me so disposable to the people I love the most?  I asked my friend Jill that this morning and as ALWAYS, she says the perfect thing.  She builds me up in a way that a best friend does.  But that's just it, she's my best friend OF COURSE she wants me in her life every day, as I do with her.  And my daughter.  My beautiful, incredible daughter.  She is so fiercely protective of me she wants to destroy every person who makes me feel this way.  She repeats things I have told her in the past and how can I argue with my own advice?  Makes it a bit difficult.  So, I did what I normally do - I tried to do a brain dump.  Perhaps weepy music wasn't the best choice, because I am not sad today.... today I am angry.  I am fucking pissed off that I can't fix this.  I am a fixer, a problem solver - that is what I do!  My bosses tell me all the time - you are such a great problem solver because you think outside of the box.  Yea - this is true.  I do.  But this particular issue is something I can't seem to change, no matter what I try.  So, I do what I do - I walk away.  I stop caring.  I focus on myself.  And that usually works!  But this past week or so I have had these people brought into my thoughts and life in a way I have no control over.  So, I can't avoid the thoughts.  And where, in the past, I would cry and be sad for what I have lost, today?  I am pissed off.  I deserve better!  I deserve people who love me and want me in their life and appreciate all the love I have given.  And how dare they just cast me aside like I don't matter!  Well guess what?  It is their loss, and I know this!  Deep down in my core I do.  But I never want to be that person who doesn't take accountability for my part in any of it.  So, I go around in circles to figure out what I have done wrong to bring me to this point and how can I change it going forward?  How can I ensure that the new people finding their way into my life don't hurt me in the way that these loved ones have?  I have worked really hard to break down all the protective walls I built over the majority of my life so that I CAN love completely and allow people in.  Do I need to build them up again?  I think I do where these people are concerned, but do I need to do it going forward with new people?  I hope not.  I hope I can find the right people who will love me as completely as I love them.  People that appreciate me the way I appreciate them.  Cherish me the way I cherish them.  I am extremely careful of who I let into my inner circle, who I share my heart and soul with.  I guess I need to be a bit more careful in the future. 

 Because every day should be an important day in the life!

You never know what's gonna happen You make your plans and you hear God laughing

 

Today was a doozy.  I have started a morning routine that truly suits me well and I am getting into the groove of it.  Part of it is taking some time to just be quiet and journal what I hear God speaking to my heart.  It has been very eye opening to say the least and it's become one of the favorite parts of my day.  And then today --- God said be silent, be still.  Now I cannot write those words without thinking of Freddie Prinze Jr. in the movie "She's All That" but, I digress.  I giggled to myself and waited for the rest of God's wisdom to come through.  Nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.  Pen poised, I waited.  Nope.  That was it.  Alrighty, next on the to do list.  So I assumed (ahhh why, oh WHY do I ever do that? - I am 60 years old, have I not learned yet?  Apparently not.) that today would be quiet and nothing much would happen.  And then this afternoon I got two texts back to back and a phone call and 2 things that I have felt strongly were coming soon happened.  Bam.  In the span of 5 minutes God answered prayers.  Not in the way I thought it would happen.  Not the outcome that I completely hoped for - BUT it is what I've prayed for and I went from one moment of status quo to the next moment - really big changes!  As I waited for the phone call that one of the text promised I was making tuna fish and I suddenly felt such nervousness I knew there was no way I could eat.  My daughter asked "Are you nervous or are you excited???"  Hmmm good question - no clue how to tell the difference at this point, so I said "well, it has proved to me once again that God can change everything in an instant - good or bad"

I can look back on my life, and I often do, to how one moment changed everything at various times in my life.  Sometimes things build up to the big change, but most of the time it changes in one moment.   Meeting someone randomly and that person becomes someone so significant in my life.  I remember when I was 15 turning 16 I was working at a local Carvel and this group of boys that I used to hang out with came to visit me at work.  One of them was THE boy (at the time) - little did I know that the company snitch was sitting out in the parking lot watching me while I worked and she called the boss and they came in and fired me on the spot.  Did I think - oh my father is going to kill me! - no.  Did I think my friend who got me the job was going to be mad?  Ummm nope.  I walked back with the boys in the snow and after having dinner at THE boys house by the end of the night I had a boyfriend and I was over the moon!  Job?  What job?  I was turning 16 and he liked me back - ahhh to be 16 again.   So in a matter of mere moments I was unemployed and had a boyfriend.  Talk about major life changes!  Other changes are more gradual - one day you're in high school the next you graduate - but you have 4 years to get used to that change.  One day you're single, the next your married - but again - there is a build up to that.  One day you are not a parent and the next moment you are - but again - 9 months leading up to that change.

I am a planner - always have been.  I knew I wanted to be married for 5 years and have my kids 4 years apart.  1994 - 1998 and 2003 (she had to be delayed for insurance purposes 😉.) It was not until I got the nudge to move to Arizona that I realized - my plans are not necessarily God's plans.  For a control freak like I was this was not an easy realization.  But - I followed my faith and it has grown stronger every year.  Even through the unexpected turns that I never saw coming and certainly never asked for.  But when I look back I can see why things happened the way they did.  Today's changes certainly did not happen the way I thought they would, but it still changed life as I know it in 10 minutes time.  I looked up to thank God and I swear I saw my mom in the kitchen with a pot - stirring it, with a huge smile on her face.  (and now I am crying)  I know she has been working overtime up there to get me to where I am suppose to be.

I am very excited (not nervous - well maybe a little) to see what is next.  I know this year will be a life changing one in many ways and it is off to a really great start.  I am open to the changes and new people it will bring my way.  No matter what is coming next I know that God has my back and there is my very own blonde angel in the kitchen stirring the pot to make sure that my life is as sweet as the pudding she used to make me when I was a little girl.  Remember, it's not always just a day in the life!

Tick-tock on the clock, but the party don't stop

 

It's Sunday, glorious Sunday.  But half of the USA is freaking out about a TikTok ban.  It is making my stomach turn, honestly.  During our morning coffee conversation I had to tell my daughter I could not listen to another thing about Tik Tok and we needed to change the subject.  Yes, I am a bit cranky - I am turning 60 this week, doesn't that come with the territory?  No?  Just some discounts and my body having a few extra creeks?  Ok.  Well then I'm just cranky today.

BUT - this whole insanity revolving around a stupid social media app got my brain going.  I do have a tik tok account, I must be clear - during 2020 shut down it entertained me.  Yes, I have been known to purchase a thing or two off of the Tik Tok shop - guilty.  But I can assure you my life will go on with or without it.  I never realized how much money people made on this app until everyone thought it was going away.  I am not going to lie it pissed me off and terrified me at the same time.  Are we watching a generation grow up without the ability to have a "real job?"  Don't get me wrong - I applaud them for finding a way to avoid the typical 9-5 - I think that's admirable.  I am all for spending your free time doing things you love and with the people you love instead of glued to a desk or a computer or your phone.  However, they are making a living without any real skills to carry them in their later years or if (gasp!) the app gets banned.  AND they are relying on the rest of the world being glued to their damn phones while they take a break from their 9-5 or they relax to recharge after a long week.  Jeez, in a minute I am going to be screaming "Get off my lawn!" I sound so cynical and old.  But I am not.  I am realizing that things need to change in my life as well.  And I have faith that President Trump will not allow the app to be banned (because we live in a free country after all - ask any soldier who has served what the price for that is!) but it almost makes me sad.  I wish it was being banned, but I don't think it will change anything until people are ready to change.

Life is meant to be lived.  Have I mentioned I am turning 60?  I have?  See the mind goes as you get older 😏.  Seriously though - life is short.  Way too short.  And how much of it are we wasting waiting for the next best thing?  Waiting for the weekend, for a holiday, for vacation blah blah blah.  I made a point years ago to not wait for anything.  To live my life to the fullest every day.  Now - my needs are simple.  I don't have a huge bucket list to check off.  I don't need to accomplish a certain thing before xyz happens.  My goals?  To be happy and healthy and find the joy in every single day.  And it works.  I am telling you.  It works!  Am I happy all day every day? Umm no, I just said I was cranky today - are you paying attention? 😎.  However, I have peace in my soul and joy in my heart every day.  Why?  Because I don't have regrets.  If there is something I need to say to someone - I say it.  When I miss someone - I tell them.  When I love someone I show it.  I don't care if it is reciprocated, I don't care if I look pathetic or needy - that's more on the other person no?  I am being genuine.  So I don't have any huge heavy things hanging over me.  Like wow I wish I had..... nope been there done that.  It is very freeing and healthy.   Try it!

Another key to happiness is FAITH.  Yes, faith.  That is the cornerstone to my life.  I never realized how much my dad taught me about faith without even realizing it.  He used to say - "whatever will be will be, if you can't change it why worry? " And another one - "God says are you going to worry about it?  Because if you will then I won't". and my FAVORITE "God has it - it will be okay" Growing up I never realized how potent those statements were.  Wow, I still can't type about my dad without tears - damn it.  I thought they were just cliches.  But I realize now how they weren't - they were life lessons and proof of how to live your life.  When I hear my son and daughter discuss their faith and how they turn to God consistently it makes me feel like my life was well lived.  I did my job with those two.  They are incredible human beings and if I had even a little something to do with shaping them into that than my life was a success.  Now, I want so badly to instill that in every person I come across.  My friend told me yesterday "I know if I want someone to just pacify me, you are not the one to go to."  Yup.  That's right.  I won't allow someone to stay in a pity party - please don't invite me.  Am I compassionate?  To a Fault.  Do I have sympathy for other people?  So very much.  Will I allow you to set up camp in a place where you are obsessing over something instead of giving it to God and having faith?  Yea, no sorry.

When people tell me how shocked they are that I have moved to 3 different states without really every being there and ask me if I was scared.  I answer honestly - no.  Why?  Because I listened to my inner GPS (God is loud when you listen!) And I know that any situation I face, He has been there before me and will stand with me through it all.  What do I have to fear?  Ask yourself that!  What is the worst thing that will happen if you follow that guidance?  Tell someone how you feel?  Find a different career path?  Newsflash - whatever is meant to be will happen - Destiny/Fate it's all mapped out already.  The difference is - the longer you drag your heels or fear an outcome the harder life will be.  You will have the same outcome eventually, but with a lot more pain, bumps and bruises.

So, this very long rant is basically just to encourage you to find something every day that brings you joy - and try to make it not involve your phone and scrolling aimlessly watching other people live theirs.  Because at the end of the day - it's a very important day in the life!

Just hold on loosely, but don't let go!

 Happy 2025!  So far?  So good!  Now I say that as if it's all been sunshine and rainbows.  I ended 2024 in a magnificent place, with this hope in my heart and joy in my soul.  It was a really nice change of pace from the last (dare I say) almost decade?  I am trying to keep that momentum going during this beginning of the next decade and I am doing a pretty good job.  Does this mean that things are smooth sailing over here in the Midwest?  Umm no!  I am human, after all, and I have a pretty big birthday looming around the corner which I must admit is attempting to affect me the way my 20th and 30th did - not well bitch.  My 40th and 50th were not terrible.  I don't usually allow the number to affect me, but this one?  It is not my friend.  I feel certain age-related things creeping in - and between me and you?  I am not allowing it.  Nope.  I refuse to feel my age ever.  I type this I can't deny there are tears welling up in my eyes.  How did I get here?  I still feel like that 20-year-old girl adjusting to my parents moving away and having to attempt to be a grown up.  What happened to the last 40 years?  So much and yet not enough.  How do I get myself out of this funk and these thoughts that are threatening to consume me?  I will tell you how, by remembering this little tidbit - Life can change in an INSTANT - good or bad - so it's best not to get too far ahead of yourself or look back too far.  

When life seems stagnant or like your dreams are not going to come true, I urge you to think of a time when you got a call or a text or a meeting that changed everything very unexpectedly.  Life can change in an instant.  As I am typing this so many of those moments are racing through my mind.  Feeling sad or alone and you get a life changing phone call or text or email from someone you were not expecting.  Life will never be the same.  Having a good day and then an argument starts, and everything crumbles, and you feel like the rug is pulled out from under you.  Life will never be the same.   A random meeting with someone new that changes everything.  Life will never be the same.  Some of those moments are burned on your brain and you remember every detail - you can even put yourself right back in that moment.  Some you can barely remember but you know it changed life as you knew it.  I think a lot of us focus on the bad change moments - those I can usually remember very vividly - a summer night in 1998 coming home to find out my husband was not who I hoped he was. Walking down the maternity hall and seeing your newborn in the nursery and being woken up an hour later with frantic doctors asking you to sign release forms for a spinal tap.  Leaving the hospital without your newborn 4 days later (yes, my middle son kept me on my toes!) A Wednesday before Thanksgiving in 1999 when my middle son nearly choked at the mall after I was told my $20 bill (given to me by a cub scout mom) was counterfeit and my husband came home and told me he lost his job- two weeks later I had a horrific car accident with my middle son in the car and my car was totaled. Another summer day in 2004 when I had just had surgery, and I found out my husband lost his job. Yet another summer day in 2009 when I found out my middle son had cancer at the age of 10.  Christmas Eve 2013 when my oldest decided to tell me what a horrible mother I was and disrupted the entire home and it turned out to be the last Christmas I would spend with my mother - this is depressing I think I will stop that train.  

There are a few life changing moments that were wonderful that I do remember just as vividly. The birth of each of my children.  Driving across the country and seeing the "purple mountains majesty" while entering New Mexico. Walking into your first brand new home that was more than you could ever dream of.  An email out of the blue from someone you thought was left in your past. A phone call/text/facetime announcing engagements and pregnancies. A random message that starts a relationship that changes your life. A first kiss that made the rest of the world fall away and shook the earth. A conversation while taking my son to college at a restaurant that led to him realizing he was ready to propose to his girlfriend. Picking my daughter up to find out she made Varsity cheer in her freshman year - these are but a few.  During most of these moments I had no idea what would come next, just how quickly life can change.

So, when I am in a not-so-great place I remind myself just how quickly life can change and we don't have to know how or when, we just have to trust that what is meant to be will always find a way.  And if something doesn't happen, then perhaps it wasn't meant to be and something even better than you can imagine is around the corner.  Be kind to yourself - forgive yourself for things you wish you had done differently.  I also want you to remember that miracles happen each and every day, and yours can be next!  And on those not so magical days remember - it's just a day in the life!

On the path unwinding, in the circle of life

I just celebrated my baby girl’s 21st birthday, and I still can’t believe how quickly the years have flown by. It feels like just yesterday I was hearing her first cry in the delivery room - as soon as they made the incision on my stomach. I breathed a sigh of pure relief because I knew all is well with the precious cargo I carried for nearly 40 weeks. The room was filled with laughter, and when I saw her for the first time, she was perfect. She still is in my eyes.

She’s my best friend in this world, and I’m so, so blessed to have her. Watching your child grow up is one of life’s greatest joys—and lessons. It’s a profound reminder of the circle of life. I often find myself identifying with my own mother and wondering how many times I hurt her without ever realizing it. There’s so much I didn’t understand until now. I’m grateful every day that my daughter appreciates me as much as she does. She thanks me for things I don’t even realize I’ve done.

Watching her blossom in our new surroundings has been incredible. Moving here felt like stepping into the life God planned for us. From the moment we crossed the state border, we could feel the difference, even though we were tested right away with some challenges. Thankfully, those moments passed, and we were able to enjoy the fresh start we’d waited two years for. The past six weeks have been truly a blessing.

When a friend recently texted, “Nine degrees? Any regrets?” I didn’t hesitate: “Not a one.” It is really crazy how quickly we adjusted to hats and coats and socks, gloves and well, shoes.  We belong here!  We’ve also started exploring the area together. A few nights ago, we went to a Pentatonix concert, and the female lead said "if you came here with your mom, give her a hug",  we both teared up. My daughter hugged me and told me once again how grateful she is for me.  She took a lot of photos that night and she gets so happy when she sees how much we look alike.  I am so grateful for that.  I always feel badly when people tell her she looks just like me, like what if she doesn't want to (I know - strange!  I was always told I looked like my dad and it bugged me - I wanted to look like my mom and I think I do now!)

This past week brought a lot of challenges that in the past would have leveled me.  But it also brought some incredible things that reminded me of the miracles God brings in His time. As they sang Hallelujah, I felt that familiar swell of gratitude for the life I’m living and for the way it’s unfolding.

Sometimes the circle of life takes my breath away. My life looks so different from what I once imagined. I dreamed of growing old surrounded by my kids and grandchildren, family dinners, and holidays together. But looking back, aside from being a single mom, I’ve realized I’m reliving my parents’ life. They moved away when I was 20, and we never lived in the same state again. I moved to Arizona, far from family in New York, and now my children have built lives apart from me.

Still, my parents found ways to stay deeply connected to me and my children, and I hope to do the same. This new chapter excites me. My children are adults now, and I no longer play the central role in their lives. They want me to support them when they ask and that’s okay. Now, it’s my turn—to pursue the life I want and the happiness I deserve.

Through it all, I’m grateful for the bond I share with my daughter, one that reminds me so much of my relationship with my own mother. My mom was always my go-to person, my friend, and my support system. That’s what my daughter and I have, and I know it will never change.

By her 22nd birthday, things will likely look different. She’s blossoming, starting the next phase of her life, and I couldn’t be more excited for her. Watching her grow into the person she’s meant to be is an incredible gift. I’m so proud of her and so grateful to have a front-row seat to her journey.

And that… is not just a day in the life.

 

The First Cut is the Deepest

 

https://open.substack.com/pub/chatwithyourangels/p/the-first-cut-is-the-deepest-or-is?r=4hyqmr&utm_medium=ios

^^^^^^^^^

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I'm changing, arranging, I'm changing everything around me

 Today would have marked my mother's 90 birthday.  I chose this date to meet the movers to pack up all my belongings and get ready for my move next week.  So many divinely orchestrated things occurred in the last 24 hours it was truly remarkable.  I knew my mom would be with me every moment of this journey.  My daughter and I started off yesterday loading up the remainder of the belongings we wanted to go on the truck to our new home.  Today, we met the movers, and I have to be honest, I was a bit apprehensive because of the nightmare that my move from Arizona to Florida was.  So, after all was said and done ironically, we wound up traveling past the first neighborhood that we lived in here 8 years ago.  As we drove down Rte. 27, we both realized how much has happened in the past 8 years and how much we blocked out so many instances.  WOW!  I was saying how this feeling of happiness and excitement that I have now makes me realize that I have spent the last 8 years in a place that I thought was happy, but it turns out it was merely contentment after a time of complete upheaval and pain.  I didn't know the difference because it had been so long since I felt that true joy and happiness to my core. I guess I was just grateful that things had become a bit calmer. It was sad to me to realize that - and it made me wonder how many other people think that what they are feeling is true happiness when it is merely contentment or making the best of a bad situation.  I just felt the tears start flowing as I remembered the last 8 years and how much has changed during that time.  We went through a lot in this State.  We decided to take a drive past the original house we moved into when we arrived in Florida.  It was surreal.  I am not the same person that lived in that house.  She was so unaware of the utter chaos and shambles her life would become in the next 8 years.  Everything she believed and held dear was ripped from her.  Her entire existence was turned upside down more times than I can even count.  All of those memories came flooding back and my daughter and I looked at each other and kept saying "Oh my God, I forgot that"....and remembering these moments was like opening up a wound that we did not even realize was there.  

I could not help but compare the horrific experience when we moved from Arizona to Florida to today's incredible, simple, happy preview of this next move.  The movers showed up on time, the price was as quoted, everything fit into the cubes and viola - it was done.  They were kind and sweet and so grateful for our offers to help.  When I moved from Arizona the movers showed up a day late, charged me an additional couple of thousand dollars, we had so much stuff left that didn't fit - driving 3 vehicles across the country with my sons following. One following like an extension of my car and the other - not listening, not following directions, and just adding so much stress to an already stressful time.  Staying in horrific hotels/motels that still give us a good laugh.  I was so worried about finances, and whether I was doing the right thing by my kids.  This move?  Soooo different.  We left Arizona as a family of 4 with 2 pups - we are leaving Florida as a party of 2 with 1 pup for one.  Next my daughter is truly like having another brain - she remembers things that I forget (like the keys to storage when moving from one car to the other - imagine getting all the way to Orlando and leaving the keys to storage back in Lake Worth---not great)  I don't have to tell her what I am thinking, she just knows and we just work really well together. Anyway, I digress - we both agreed that that chaos carried over for the next nearly 8 years of living in Florida.  This never felt like home.  It never brought good things without 10 bad things following it.  How did we block all of that out? 

As I was driving on the Florida Tpke I was recalling the move from NY to Arizona 20 years ago and the tears really started flowing then.  My daughter was in her car seat (she was almost 1) and my oldest son was in the seat my daughter now occupies.  The memories that were brought back were too painful to describe, so I will keep those to myself.

It really struck me how the human mind and heart works.  I more or less blocked out the last 8 years and

did my very best to focus on the positive and be grateful for all the good in my life.  But damn - there was so much pain and heartache and broken dreams in the past 8 years.  So many relationships fractured and painful endings.  It really is a wonder I survived intact.  But I did.  And I am stronger and more determined than ever that this next phase is the reward.  It is the time that makes up for all the sadness and hurt and shattered dreams.  I feel so very blessed and thankful that God kept me close during this time and showed me time and time again that life is not necessarily easy but that it always happens and works out the way it is meant to.  And I felt my mom ever so close today smiling down on her 90th birthday and telling me - Tina bellina you have earned this.  It's your time and there are so many happy moments ahead you are not going to believe it.  And today was definitely not just a day in the life.