The First Cut is the Deepest

 

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I'm changing, arranging, I'm changing everything around me

 Today would have marked my mother's 90 birthday.  I chose this date to meet the movers to pack up all my belongings and get ready for my move next week.  So many divinely orchestrated things occurred in the last 24 hours it was truly remarkable.  I knew my mom would be with me every moment of this journey.  My daughter and I started off yesterday loading up the remainder of the belongings we wanted to go on the truck to our new home.  Today, we met the movers, and I have to be honest, I was a bit apprehensive because of the nightmare that my move from Arizona to Florida was.  So, after all was said and done ironically, we wound up traveling past the first neighborhood that we lived in here 8 years ago.  As we drove down Rte. 27, we both realized how much has happened in the past 8 years and how much we blocked out so many instances.  WOW!  I was saying how this feeling of happiness and excitement that I have now makes me realize that I have spent the last 8 years in a place that I thought was happy, but it turns out it was merely contentment after a time of complete upheaval and pain.  I didn't know the difference because it had been so long since I felt that true joy and happiness to my core. I guess I was just grateful that things had become a bit calmer. It was sad to me to realize that - and it made me wonder how many other people think that what they are feeling is true happiness when it is merely contentment or making the best of a bad situation.  I just felt the tears start flowing as I remembered the last 8 years and how much has changed during that time.  We went through a lot in this State.  We decided to take a drive past the original house we moved into when we arrived in Florida.  It was surreal.  I am not the same person that lived in that house.  She was so unaware of the utter chaos and shambles her life would become in the next 8 years.  Everything she believed and held dear was ripped from her.  Her entire existence was turned upside down more times than I can even count.  All of those memories came flooding back and my daughter and I looked at each other and kept saying "Oh my God, I forgot that"....and remembering these moments was like opening up a wound that we did not even realize was there.  

I could not help but compare the horrific experience when we moved from Arizona to Florida to today's incredible, simple, happy preview of this next move.  The movers showed up on time, the price was as quoted, everything fit into the cubes and viola - it was done.  They were kind and sweet and so grateful for our offers to help.  When I moved from Arizona the movers showed up a day late, charged me an additional couple of thousand dollars, we had so much stuff left that didn't fit - driving 3 vehicles across the country with my sons following. One following like an extension of my car and the other - not listening, not following directions, and just adding so much stress to an already stressful time.  Staying in horrific hotels/motels that still give us a good laugh.  I was so worried about finances, and whether I was doing the right thing by my kids.  This move?  Soooo different.  We left Arizona as a family of 4 with 2 pups - we are leaving Florida as a party of 2 with 1 pup for one.  Next my daughter is truly like having another brain - she remembers things that I forget (like the keys to storage when moving from one car to the other - imagine getting all the way to Orlando and leaving the keys to storage back in Lake Worth---not great)  I don't have to tell her what I am thinking, she just knows and we just work really well together. Anyway, I digress - we both agreed that that chaos carried over for the next nearly 8 years of living in Florida.  This never felt like home.  It never brought good things without 10 bad things following it.  How did we block all of that out? 

As I was driving on the Florida Tpke I was recalling the move from NY to Arizona 20 years ago and the tears really started flowing then.  My daughter was in her car seat (she was almost 1) and my oldest son was in the seat my daughter now occupies.  The memories that were brought back were too painful to describe, so I will keep those to myself.

It really struck me how the human mind and heart works.  I more or less blocked out the last 8 years and

did my very best to focus on the positive and be grateful for all the good in my life.  But damn - there was so much pain and heartache and broken dreams in the past 8 years.  So many relationships fractured and painful endings.  It really is a wonder I survived intact.  But I did.  And I am stronger and more determined than ever that this next phase is the reward.  It is the time that makes up for all the sadness and hurt and shattered dreams.  I feel so very blessed and thankful that God kept me close during this time and showed me time and time again that life is not necessarily easy but that it always happens and works out the way it is meant to.  And I felt my mom ever so close today smiling down on her 90th birthday and telling me - Tina bellina you have earned this.  It's your time and there are so many happy moments ahead you are not going to believe it.  And today was definitely not just a day in the life.

Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain....we all have sorrow

 Last week was one I will never forget.  There was a hurricane set to hit Florida and the amount of stress and fear and just overall judgement and negativity was running rampant.   I usually do not get caught up in that because I just always know I am safe and protected.  But it was really hard to avoid.  I had so many people texting to see if we were evacuating or if our area was safe (which was so nice and made me feel loved) and I was definitely more aware than I usually am.  And then....I got a text from my cousin that they had found another spot on her brain and the cancer may have spread.  Then I got a text that literally made my knees buckle.  I got a text from one of my oldest and dearest friends on Wednesday night checking on my daughter and me.  Then on Thursday ---less than 24 hours later a text that her husband died.  I'm sorry what?!?!?!  Two weeks ago she was sending me photos of them during a visit to New York at all of our favorite food places - photos of her hubby eating onion rings from one of our favorite diners - and he's gone?  How?  He died of a heart attack (something called the Widow maker, how surreal) in the middle of telling a joke.  Wow.

We have always joked that we lived parallel lives.  I was a bridesmaid in her wedding....we always seemed to be a few years apart in our big life moments.  We got divorced around the same time, had kids around the same time, Moved to different states around the same times.  But in 2015 she got married to the love of her life.  That is where our parallel lives were not so parallel.  And now?  He's gone.  She called me last night and I felt fear run through my body.  I truly had no idea what I was going to say to her?  My big thing is everything happens for a reason - God has a plan.  Well how the hell was I going to try to interpret the plan or reason for this?  I didn't have to.  She told me she knew she needed to lean into God and turn to him and that she felt her husband in her soul.  She said "I know if anyone understands that it would be you".  Wow.  just wow.  She is planning to really embrace her faith and turn to it for solace.  She thanked me for sharing my faith so freely and that whenever she wavered she would reach out to me.

I have really been struggling since I got her text - I just could not wrap my brain around what she must be feeling, how she was going to live in their home surrounded by his presence - how do you function?  How do you carry on after losing the love of your life?  How do you recover being a widow at 55?  How do any of us carry on after loss?  For me?  I turn to God and my faith - if I did not have that I do not know what I would do.  At the same time I was receiving videos and photos from my son and daughter in law from their trip to Europe - talk about opposite ends of the spectrum.   I felt like my insides were in the middle of a ping pong game.  But no matter what, life goes on.  All the tragedy going on in Florida and North Carolina - in the middle of people trying to rent homes to flee the hurricane.  Life goes on.  I'm in the middle of a cross country move.  Life goes on.  How do you stay hopeful and grateful and not let things like this level you?  Faith.  At the end of the day that's all we have, and it's necessary to remember it is just a day in the life-and good or bad, we need to embrace it.

https://gofund.me/ea597f3e

Here’s a go fund me link for my dear friend if you’re able and want to help

I beg your pardon....I never promised you a rose garden-- along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometimes

 Well, the movement and clarity I have been waiting for has finally arrived.  It has been just over 2 years of waiting.  But just when I was starting to think my God GPS was broken, it came through.  So now the "fun" begins.  The packing, the moving, the setting up utilities, scheduling all the things that come along with it.  But with that comes an excitement I have not had since I moved to Arizona in 2004.  Another cross country move (dear Lord please let it be the last!) to places unknown.  When I left New York in 2004 I was so   excited for this new chapter I really did not have time to be sad.  (packing up a 4-bedroom house with 2 boys and an infant did not leave any time for much else).  When I left Arizona for Florida, I was not excited, but I was not sad.  I knew that was where I needed to be but I was never excited to live here.  8 years later it's time to leave and I am ready and excited!  But today I was driving around and singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in the car and I was just so grateful and happy.  But then....it hit me.  I have to say goodbye to my parents' home for the last time.  I will never drive past my dad's old barber shop again.  I will never think - oh this is the way I used to drive to pick Pop up.  Or oh, I used to go there with my mom all the time.  I came home and was packing the little stuff we have here, and I came across my dad's barber jackets.  They were still hanging in the closet nearly 3 years later.  Now, I have been brutal with this move.  I have had no sentimentality whatsoever; I have been donating every week with not a thought.  But those jackets brought me to tears.  No.  I cannot get rid of them.  I have no idea what I will do with them, but they are coming on this journey with me.  Then I was going through my winter clothes (yes, I am going to need winter clothes) and I found his red sweater and the sweatshirt he was wearing the last time I saw him.  My God will I EVER stop missing them?  The answer is no.  

Even when your prayers are being answered and you are excited and grateful, there are also things that are sad or painful.  Change is not easy.  It doesn't always look the way you thought it would.  Life is about to change in a big way and I am letting my faith guide me.  So, what I am holding onto is that God never promised change would be easy, following his path for your life - isn't always easy.  But - if we focus on the good and stay grateful even after it leaves us, then no day is just a day in the life.

I'm proud of who I am No more monsters, I can breathe again

 Anger…. I’ve always felt it was a useless emotion.  I admit to being very angry in the past.  Anger was my go to emotion for a very long time.  I figured that out less than 10 years ago- far too late, but better late than never I suppose.  I realized that somehow anger felt more powerful than the feelings it was masking (sadness, despair, being hurt, treated unfairly).  When I showed the underlying emotions I was labeled weak or those emotions were used against me.  Anger was safe. Trust me- I may only be 5’2” tall but when I was angry -look out!  My tongue was sharp and cruel and you can ask the many hairbrushes I smashed and my sons’ lightsabers that I broke over my leg what that fury was.  It seems like another lifetime ago and I hate looking back at her.  Ugly. Just ugly.  But what was underneath that anger was so much pent up hurt and disappointment and trying to hold it all together alone so that no one would see how broken I truly was.  And guilt.  Oh the guilt for being unhappy.  So it came out as anger.  I thought I had healed it all.  Purged it all out.  Apparently not.  This week’s full moon brought these buried emotions up and it shocked me for sure!  It came out of no where and took hold of me in a way I barely remember.  And I do NOT like feeling angry, but you have to feel it to heal it.  So I did some more soul searching and realized apparently I’ve been holding on to a lot of old emotions.  I had to figure out what and why and who was causing this.  Not pleasant.  I think I’ve spent the last 3 days crying and writing and crying some more.  I would like to think it’s all out but who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️. I decided to write letters to the people that I feel the most hurt by.  The list was longer than I expected.  I will never send them, obviously!  In fact I need to burn them because if anyone got a hold of them 😳.  But now I can let all that go.  I need to accept the fact that I’ll never receive an apology or closure or anything that ties it up in a nice pink bow.  So I need to give that to  myself.  I need to forgive myself for taking blame that didn’t belong to me. For carrying the burden of others actions thinking somehow it was my fault when it wasn’t. I have accepted responsibility for my mistakes but I will no longer make excuses or take the blame for other people’s actions.  

I’m getting ready for a whole new chapter in my life and there’s no room for these situations in the future.  I realize releasing it was my way of closing the book on those situations. You can’t write a new chapter if you keep rereading the old ones.  What are you carrying with you that would make your life so much lighter if you just set it down.  Is it even yours to carry?  Do yourself a favor and take a look and see if you have emotions to need to release—-make it a better day in the life. 

Your mother warned you there'd be days like these

 

This week it came out that the death of Matthew Perry was negligence on the part of his doctors and his assistant.  Last year on that fateful day I began a month or so of obsessive reading, researching, rereading his book, relistening to his book and grieving someone I had never met.  When Friends was airing in the 90's I was obsessed with Matthew Perry.  He was most definitely my celebrity crush, and I could not get enough of his onscreen presence.  Friends was my comfort show.  Whenever I couldn't sleep, I would put Friends on in the background.  I haven't really watched an episode in almost a year.  I was just now starting to be able to watch an episode if it happened to come on after my TiVo show ended.  This week's news brought it all back again.  The visions of the ambulance leaving his home, his parents pulling into the driveway past the yellow police tape, his last haunting Instagram posts that made people wonder if Mattman was secretly begging for help.  It seems that perhaps he was.  It made me wonder again what exactly were the last days of his life like?  It breaks my heart that he suffered his whole life with this addiction and depression and the fact that medical professionals took advantage of that for profit turns my stomach. It got me thinking about his assistant, who administered that fatal dose of ketamine, and when is enough enough.

In a world of celebrity worship, the new era of influencers and the social media frenzy and cell phone obsessions when is enough enough?  Everywhere you turn people are suffering from anxiety, ADHD, depression and the list goes on.  When I was growing up (in the stone ages 😜) this was not a thing.  Did we suffer from them and just not know?  Most likely yes.  I remember a few boys in my elementary school who one thousand percent suffered from ADHD - and they were labeled as a problem or dumb.  Do I think that was fair?  No.  But I do feel like the labels of anxiety, depression and ADHD and the like are now thrown around like confetti.  When I was younger, we called it being nervous.  I was nervous about my upcoming exams, nervous about starting a new job - you get the idea.  Nowadays everyone has anxiety - somehow there has to be a difference.  Anyway, I digress.  This week also the whole drama with the "It ends with us" movie is all over social media.  Domestic Violence victims/survivors are speaking out and it makes me wonder.  How many people that we talk to daily are suffering from something that the world never sees?  Have masks become so easy to put on to cover people's pain that no one sees the real struggle people are living with?  I am someone who has always taken people at their word.  But I am also very intuitive and if I spend any amount of time with you, I will feel if something is off.  But if I ask you and you deny it - I will take you at your word.  But I strive to get people to face their inner demons.  I don't feel like people should suffer in silence - I want everyone to take a good hard look at themselves and be honest - at least with themselves - about whether or not they are really ok.  I wonder what would have happened if Matthew Perry had gotten the help he needed dealing with all of his inner turmoil rather than been given drugs to stop his drug addiction (make that make sense please!)  Mental illness is so complex and so misunderstood it baffles me.  Everyone, it seems, is dealing with depression.  And I know some people need the medication prescribed to them.  I am not against that at all, do not get me wrong.  However, I feel like sometimes medication is given and it is truly just a Band-Aid for an underlying issue that is masked.  Meditation, yoga, journaling and even prayer are all ways people can get in touch with the inner feelings/circumstances that are causing the anxiety and depression.  My son and daughter thankfully, are very in tune with the why.  Why am I feeling this way?  Why did that situation make me feel a certain way? And they then figure out the best way to heal that part of themselves that is triggered with a certain situation.  I am so grateful that they learned it from a very young age.  When I was growing up it didn't matter why I felt a certain way I was just taught to deal with it and most likely it was my fault (most everything was apparently).  I was never one to wear a mask and was always upfront with my feelings.  This made people very uncomfortable and often led to people using my weaknesses against me.  So - instead of putting on a mask I simply chose to be selective with whom I showed my true self to.  It brings me back to Matthew Perry and what actually went on that week before his passing.

Did he try to send out "bat signals" saying he needed help?  Were the people he trusted (his assistant, his doctors) basically just putting a band-aid on the underlying issues of why he used and was depressed?  When is it your job or your duty to dig deeper and refuse to offer the band-aid to someone? Personally, I am not a band-aid offeror.  I am blunt and straight forward and it has cost me relationships in the past.  I am the hold the mirror up kind of friend.  Not because I want to hurt people - but because I was once someone who needed that mirror held up to my face to fix/repair/heal those inner demons. Now, I often hold that mirror up to myself because Lord knows I am still a work in progress.  Did people get tired of holding a mirror to Matthew Perry's face?  Did they just turn away because it triggered their own issues?  The world will never know.  But I think in this day in the life we all need to say "I'll be there for you" - and mean it.  Because life is too short to be anything but kind and honest with ourselves and others.

I think you should know what you've done, you get what you deserve

 

Just when I think I have healed my inner self something else pops up and here we go again!  This week was a tough one - a lot of astrological things, new moon - I felt it all.  But that's ok.  I am used to it by now and I was actually anticipating it.  By this time I sometimes look forward to the deep diving into my soul and what still needs to be addressed.  This was one of those times.  Let's see what I discovered and maybe.....it can help you ask yourself the same questions?

First of all - I realized that I am brave and my faith is truly not something everyone else has.  I am getting ready to move again and God has put a new place on my heart - one I never would have ever imagined.  Another place I have never visited -  every day there are more signs and more conviction on my heart.  Does that mean I am not scared?  No, it definitely doesn't.  Truth be told I am terrified.  Will that stop me?  Never.  When I know that something is sent to me by the divine and I wait until I am sure I am not misunderstanding - nothing can stop me.  I have realized that most people don't understand this AT ALL.  They pretend to, they try to be supportive but inside they are thinking "She is out of her mind!"  That's ok.  It is not for anyone else to understand.  This is why I keep things quiet at this point of my life.  I used to be an open book.  I would tell anyone everything that I thought, what went on in my head and my life.  I mistakenly thought people were honest and transparent.  If I say something - I mean it.  I realize now----that is rare.  Most people just talk to hear themselves and to make themselves look a certain way to the outside world.  That is just not something I can do.  So, my life has changed drastically.  The amount of people I have in my life that I share my inner thoughts and feelings with are close to none.  And I am okay with that.  I don't get my feelings hurt that way.  Which brings me to yesterday's epiphany.

I haven't journaled lately.  I would sit down to write and nothing would come out, I could not get my thoughts to process.  It happens every once in a while.  Yesterday, I was hurt and angry and the words spilled out.  Now that I know my worth - I will except nothing less than what I deserve from people and situations.  I am tired of being someone's convenience - to being forgotten about unless they need someone to talk to who actually gives a shit about them.  This is why my phone is silent.  Why I can go days without a call or text message unless it's work related.  There are certain people that I have given my all to for 30 some years or more and they have dismissed me like I never existed.  It makes me angry.  Why do people not appreciate my presence in their life?  The sacrifices I have made?  The love I have given unconditionally?  Then I realized....am I angry at them or myself?  I was raised to "do the right thing".  I still hear by parents voices sometimes - you HAVE to do that - it's the RIGHT thing to do.  Really?  Is it?  Then why don't people do the same for me?  "It doesn't matter, you have to be the bigger person" - do I ?  Yea not so much anymore.  I struggle as a parent to not drill that into my kids now that they are adults.  I do my best to allow them to decide for themselves how much bullshit they take in a situation.  Even if I don't agree with them because that inner child inside of me gets a knot in my stomach because that is not how I was raised and how I raised them.  But now?  No.  I want them to choose themselves over people that don't value them or treat them the way they deserve to be treated.  I still struggle with it, but luckily I have a younger, stronger version of me in my daughter who gives it to me straight.

I am at a point right now that I am not going to give 100 percent of myself to anything in my life that does not appreciate it.  I do not expect 100 percent of anyone, I have learned that the hard way.  Most people don't love the way I do and that's okay.  They have their own reasons and ways of dealing with life.  However, for the first time in my life I will draw the line in the sand and not allow repeat offenders to step over it.  Even if they are sorry - that doesn't mean they can continuously hurt me and have me be okay with it.  And (I am sorry Pop) blood doesn't make that any different.  Just because I share DNA with someone does not mean they get to shit on me over and over again.  I feel peace in that statement .  

Oops text from my son asking for the spaghetti and meatball receipe - this - this is what brings me joy!!!!  Ok, back to choosing yourself.

I was truly upset yesterday because I realized that people take me for granted in their life.  And I realize I am the only person that can change that.  There was a storm here in Florida - did anyone check to see if I was ok?  No.  But I am used that.  My daughter and I were joking yesterday and she said "two women found surrounded by donuts and coffee weeks later - not sure when they expired". and we then thought about it - how long would it take for someone to check on us?  Our boss would probably get suspicious after a day but he would have no idea how to check on us - I said no next of kin.  But it is true! My son would get suspicious but we don't talk every day - so I don't know when he'd get nervous.  I remember calling the police when my siblings and I hadn't heard from my parents for 2 days.  We did a wellness check - they were so mad!  They went away for the weekend and didn't tell us.  Maybe times have changed.  But I need to change with the times.  I am not going to give all of myself anymore to people just because it's "the right thing to do".  Does this sound bitter and nasty?  Maybe.  Maybe it is.  Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.  But today....this is the day in my life....

This little light of mine - I'm gonna let it shine....

 

I don't have it all figured out.  Hell, somedays I wonder how I got this far in life with how little I know.  But somedays I have an epiphany and I feel pretty good.  I have been in a very isolated state since I moved to Florida in 2016.  I have never made any friends here, so my interactions in person have been next to nothing.  I have not missed it.  I tried making a book club back in 2018 and every person that joined was a person who showed me why I avoid people.  Truth....rude....harsh...but true.  The only people I interacted with were people I knew from my past.  Recently I was in Arizona visiting my creme filling son and I met up with one of my very dear friends who I haven't seen in person in at least 8 years.  Wow.  It felt like coming home.   Although we talk and text there is nothing like fighting over who is going to pay the check and having a 5 hour breakfast and closing down the cafe.  We laughed until we cried....we cried because we're moms and women and people and life gets hard.  It was so damn good for my soul.  We made a pact to keep in touch more frequently and we have....every single day.  (ps thanks for the title!)

So this morning I was thinking about how lucky I am to have more than 1 person in my life who just gets me and who feel comfortable being 100 percent honest and themselves with me.  I was telling my daughter that several of my friends have been in my life for over 30 years!  I am no where near the same person I was 30 years ago and how lucky am I that these friendships have lasted throughout all phases of life and how many others have come and gone in the meantime.  Each person in your life is there for a reason, they have brought something that was needed for one or both of you. 

I have been struggling lately to figure out what my purpose is in life.  Being in Arizona with 2 of my 3 children made me realize that my purpose in their lives is definitely not what it used to be.  I had a feeling of being irrelevant really.  It made me think about how my mom must have felt when she would come and visit and she didn't necessarily fit into my life at the time, and when my siblings and I were together she must have felt the same way.  It's the circle of life, I know that.  And I am happy my kids are independent and strong.  It was not a pity party but a realization that my purpose has changed.  So it got me thinking once again about how I view myself and what my purpose is. 60 is just around the corner and I am not going to lie - it terrifies me.  I have never looked or felt my age.  It has always been just a number.  But this one is really lurking there trying to take me down.

What exactly have I accomplished in those 60 years?  Well....I accomplished my goals to be a wife and a mother.  Failed at the first one miserably - and the second one?  Well the jury is still out.  If you listen to my sons there is a laundry list of things I did wrong or should have done.  Not much praise from that side either.  So....what have I really accomplished?  Not a lot.  If I were to leave this earth tomorrow, what would I be remembered for?  And by who?   Not sure about that one.   My father has left SUCH a legacy that he is spoken about daily.  My son feels his presence all the time.  My mom?  Well that goes without saying - my daughter feels her constantly and I strive to be half the woman she was - I have their handwriting tattooed on my body!

How does one leave a legacy like that behind?

I guess it really doesn't matter because I can't change the past and I have always done the best that I can in any given situation so no regrets.  But what can I do now?  What can I do in this last season of my life to make my life one that I can celebrate.... I am totally not sure, but I do know that I will figure it out - and that God has a plan for this season, He just isn't showing me yet.  In fact, He's taken away my greatest tool - my intuition.  Can't trust it for anything anymore.  I see you God -  I get it -  you want me to rely on you and you alone.  Well here I am Lord ---Show me the way.  Make tomorrow not just a day in the life.

A reason, a season, a lifetime, that is the question.

 People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.   Sometimes they make appearances a few times which leaves you wondering which one they are?  With the age of technology, it is easier to reconnect with people from the past.  Those phone numbers that I still remember from childhood are no longer valid and that's sad because those are the only phone numbers I remember still.  It is strange how certain memories and people just pop into your head out of the blue.  A few days ago, I remembered it was my childhood best friend's birthday.  How do I still remember that?  We reconnected many years ago on the book of Face - it became pretty clear we were not on the same page about life anymore so that rekindling fizzled out.  But at least we both were able to catch up and reminisce which was so precious to me.  I also reconnected with a neighbor/classmate from Elementary school - he lost his yearbooks in a flood, and I was able to send him screenshots of the pages of them and he was so grateful.  It's funny because I was terrified of him in Elementary school and passing him in the halls of jr. high and high school and I just thought he was such a tough guy, burnout, bully.  Turns out he is one of the sweetest guys ever - he gave me some juicy gossip from the halls of elementary school.  Things that I could never have even fathomed as a kid.  I was definitely a sheltered girl (thankfully!).  He never fails to wish me a happy Mother's Day, merry Christmas, pretty much any holiday.  It is always a reminder to me that you can't judge a book by its cover.  

A few years back I had breakfast with an old friend from kindergarten.  We weren't close in High School; she was super popular and I....was not 😉 She remains one of the kindest and sweetest people I have ever known.  We got kicked out of the diner that day for taking up a booth for 4 hours.  She was one of the people who went out of her way when my son had cancer.  We hadn't seen or spoken to each other in decades, yet there she was.  Funny how the people you expect to be there for you somehow are not yet someone you waved to in the hallways of high school shows up.   Another person who showed up is my very first boyfriend from first grade.  He used to bring me Necco candies and leave them on my desk.  When my son had cancer, his wife was sending a baseball hat from their local team, and he made sure they put Necco candies in that box.  I cried like a baby when I saw those...to know that the memory was one that neither one of us forgot-it was over 30 years ago! We both live in Florida, and he lost his wife a few years back.  We have been trying to get together for the past year and just haven't made it happen.  We really need to because we aren't getting any younger, that's for sure!  These are the people that I am not sure if they are the reasons or the seasons, but they could be lifetime. 

The thing that got me really contemplating this was a phone call with my work bestie from the 90's.  We have lived nearly parallel lives in so many ways! And we spent 5 days a week together and then some weekends.  Lunch hours every day for nearly 2 years.  We were there when our first babies were born...baby showers, bridal showers, her wedding.  We used to catch up every few years, but lately we have been trying to make it more frequent.  It is so good for my soul to have those conversations.  The ones where you don't have to hold anything back and you know the other person will just understand.  We both just let everything hang out and I know our Sunday coffee chats will be more and more frequent.  Text messages just aren't the same.

So, this brings me to the question (you know I had one) .... how do you know if someone is meant for a reason, a season or a lifetime?  I mean some are super obvious.  Especially the reason and the season ones.  For example, the friends I made when I was in the PTA....they were seasonal.  That was a time in my life that was brief and that was it.  The ones who come for a reason?  A little bit trickier to determine.  I mean everyone comes into your life for a reason, no?  But I suppose there are certain relationships that are for a specific reason.  To teach you something.  To make you feel something.  To give you the specific children that you have, to teach you something about yourself.  But the lifetime ones.... that's tricky.   Because we don't know what tomorrow will bring.  And I suppose, we won't know for sure if they are lifetime ones until, well.... the end of our lifetime.  I guess all we can do is treasure every moment we have with people while we have them.  Don't take a single one for granted, because who knows if the reason or the season will end, and it will be just a day in the life.

Because you matter to me, I promise you do, you see?

At one time in my life, I had 21 nieces and nephews.  I took great pride in being an aunt.  Before I became a mom, being an aunt defined me. When I got divorced (even before then) I lost 14 of those nieces and nephews.  I remained close to my niece and two nephews who lived in Arizona, but the rest wrote me off like I never existed.  All those years of playing barbies with them, letting them do my hair, baking them cakes for celebrations, my "famous" pasta salad that they requested all the time, dance recitals, sleepovers at my house, being their confidants when they couldn't tell their mom something - all forgotten.  I was erased with a signature on a divorce paper.  I never really thought about it over the years.  It was best to have that clean break, I have mentioned in previous blogs I was never really accepted into my in laws circle.  But my nieces and nephews - they accepted me completely - and if I am being honest, probably part of the reason why their mothers did not.  Over the years since my divorce, I remained in contact with my niece and 2 nephews from Arizona.  The boys joined the Army, and I was lucky enough to be able to continue contact with them while they were overseas.  One of them came and stayed with me in Florida with his army buddy while they were stationed in North Carolina.  The divorce didn't include them, and I am so grateful.  They've had kids of their own now and that is what brings me to this post.  My niece...she is 33 and a mother of 4.  Her first child is a teenager.  When she found out she was pregnant she told me before anyone else.  She made me swear to keep it a secret, she did not want her parents to make her end the pregnancy.  By this point she was very close to that not being an option anymore.  I did.  I took her to her sonogram appointment and got to see the baby and that is a memory I cherish.  I felt guilty about keeping it a secret, but I told my ex-husband (her blood uncle) and he agreed I needed to keep the baby safe.  Well, I was ostracized when the family found out I knew.  It was fine.  That was between me, and God and I did what I thought was right and I would do it again!  That was in 2008.  The baby was born on my son's birthday during his cancer treatment, so I had more important things to deal with than disapproval from a family that I never fit in. 

 

Fast forward to now.  My niece had a hysterectomy yesterday.  I am praying they got the cancer out completely.  She has had so much dealt to her.  A child with mental illness, one with Autism, a husband that was deployed during her pregnancies - the list goes on.  But she is a badass.  She handles it all and is in the process of closing on a million-dollar home that came from her putting herself through dental hygienist school, running a tanning and teeth whitening business on the side, being an army wife and now she is killing it as a realtor. I am so very proud of her!  In the morning, we were texting before her surgery, and she told me I always know exactly what to say to her when she needs it.  Tears in my eyes I told her - it's in the aunt's handbook.   Last night I was texting her after her surgery and she asked me if my kitchen in New York was decorated in Apples. I had not thought about that in a hundred years.  I laughed and said yes, why?  She began to tell me how she was telling her husband about what an impact I had on her life and how she remembered being in my kitchen and how I would let her do play dough and paint and all the things her mom never let her do.  She told me she always felt safe with me. So many emotions flooded my mind.  Wow.  I did not even remember that.  That brought me to a memory of my own mom and how she let me have play dough once -and I was only allowed to use it outside.  I swore I would let my kids do playdough whenever they wanted.  It led to a conversation with my daughter about how to my kids it was just. normal to be able to make messes and how they didn't know any different!  Anyway, this is taking waaaaayyy too long to get to my point.  If you're still here, bless you 😇  

 

What I learned and I want you to remember ---- sometimes it's a little thing that you don't even think about that can make a difference in someone's life.   My daughter's kindergarten teacher commented on her Facebook post the other day and we had a laundry list of things that we both remembered about her.  And 16 years later her teacher remembers things about us both fondly- tiny little things that did not mean anything while I was doing them, but she remembers. Growing up we never got ourselves something to eat or drink without asking anyone if they wanted something.  I raised my kids the same way.  It wasn't until years later that we realized this isn't necessarily "normal".   Lately I have been feeling less than important in the grand scheme of life so this interaction with my niece was much needed.  I guess I still react to words of affirmation after all, and I realize that many other people are more affected by acts of service.  It makes me feel good when I know that my words of affirmation and my acts of service made a difference to people.  Sometimes, I think we take it for granted in the people closest to us and it becomes not expected but just "normal" and it isn't appreciated as much.  I know I have been guilty of that in the past.  I have tried really hard to be conscious of it and make sure to tell people that they are important to me. So, today - take some time and think about someone or something that has made a difference in your life and tell them.  Even if you told them yesterday.  Even if you haven’t spoken to them in a decade. No one gets tired of hearing that they matter.  For all you know it could make tomorrow more than just a day in the life.