Today is Mother's Day. It's a day that I have never really completely embraced as a happy one. For the last 10 years I have mourned my mother on this day. I have felt broken and split in many pieces. I also have not been fortunate enough to say that I get to talk to all 3 of my children every year. But I am no longer looking back in life. I don't live there anymore. I am focusing on each day as it unfolds and finding the gratitude in that day. Today? Today was a good one! I got to talk to all 3 of my blessings. And I am realizing that maybe I didn't screw up too badly. I know there are things that I could have, should have done differently, but I love those 3 people more than anything else in the world. And next year, I will be promoted to Gigi. That little girl is so loved, and she hasn't even arrived yet. So, yes - today was a good day! And I am so very grateful!
I have never expected anything on Mother's Day. I remember stressing every year about how to make Mother's Day perfect for my mom (my father was kinda a hardass about that) and I don't think we ever succeeded or met those expectations - I never wanted my children to feel that and that is why I do not allow myself to have them. In fact, I really don't allow myself to have expectations for anything anymore. So, when a day like today happens and I get that overwhelming sense of joy inside my heart that leak out of my eyes, I am even more grateful! I have loved these humans since before they were born, and I saw something today that explains it so eloquently - Being a mother is like having your heart walk around outside your body in the outside world and praying that people and situations are kind to them. It isn't always the case and that heartbreak weighs on me heavily. But today, I am willing, will be the beginning of a year full of days like this. Days where my heart is full and I feel gratitude and joy and I just know it is all going to be okay.
I have come to a place where I do not ask anyone to remain in my life. If you don't want to be part of my life, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best (and the best is yet to come I feel that in my soul!) I am not the same person I was last year or 6 months ago and you should not expect me to be. When you stay stuck in the same place you aren't really living. I have spent too long not really living and it is time to change that! I am going to be a Gigi for goodness' sake; I need to be the best version of myself. I want my grandchildren to remember me the way my children remember my mom - I want to have adventures and share my life with someone and for that to happen I need to live my best life, and I will. For those who will remain along for the ride - let's go! For those who don't? It was fun while it lasted. But for me? Every day will be the best day in a life!