Today would have marked my mother's 90 birthday. I chose this date to meet the movers to pack up all my belongings and get ready for my move next week. So many divinely orchestrated things occurred in the last 24 hours it was truly remarkable. I knew my mom would be with me every moment of this journey. My daughter and I started off yesterday loading up the remainder of the belongings we wanted to go on the truck to our new home. Today, we met the movers, and I have to be honest, I was a bit apprehensive because of the nightmare that my move from Arizona to Florida was. So, after all was said and done ironically, we wound up traveling past the first neighborhood that we lived in here 8 years ago. As we drove down Rte. 27, we both realized how much has happened in the past 8 years and how much we blocked out so many instances. WOW! I was saying how this feeling of happiness and excitement that I have now makes me realize that I have spent the last 8 years in a place that I thought was happy, but it turns out it was merely contentment after a time of complete upheaval and pain. I didn't know the difference because it had been so long since I felt that true joy and happiness to my core. I guess I was just grateful that things had become a bit calmer. It was sad to me to realize that - and it made me wonder how many other people think that what they are feeling is true happiness when it is merely contentment or making the best of a bad situation. I just felt the tears start flowing as I remembered the last 8 years and how much has changed during that time. We went through a lot in this State. We decided to take a drive past the original house we moved into when we arrived in Florida. It was surreal. I am not the same person that lived in that house. She was so unaware of the utter chaos and shambles her life would become in the next 8 years. Everything she believed and held dear was ripped from her. Her entire existence was turned upside down more times than I can even count. All of those memories came flooding back and my daughter and I looked at each other and kept saying "Oh my God, I forgot that"....and remembering these moments was like opening up a wound that we did not even realize was there.
I could not help but compare the horrific experience when we moved from Arizona to Florida to today's incredible, simple, happy preview of this next move. The movers showed up on time, the price was as quoted, everything fit into the cubes and viola - it was done. They were kind and sweet and so grateful for our offers to help. When I moved from Arizona the movers showed up a day late, charged me an additional couple of thousand dollars, we had so much stuff left that didn't fit - driving 3 vehicles across the country with my sons following. One following like an extension of my car and the other - not listening, not following directions, and just adding so much stress to an already stressful time. Staying in horrific hotels/motels that still give us a good laugh. I was so worried about finances, and whether I was doing the right thing by my kids. This move? Soooo different. We left Arizona as a family of 4 with 2 pups - we are leaving Florida as a party of 2 with 1 pup for one. Next my daughter is truly like having another brain - she remembers things that I forget (like the keys to storage when moving from one car to the other - imagine getting all the way to Orlando and leaving the keys to storage back in Lake Worth---not great) I don't have to tell her what I am thinking, she just knows and we just work really well together. Anyway, I digress - we both agreed that that chaos carried over for the next nearly 8 years of living in Florida. This never felt like home. It never brought good things without 10 bad things following it. How did we block all of that out?
As I was driving on the Florida Tpke I was recalling the move from NY to Arizona 20 years ago and the tears really started flowing then. My daughter was in her car seat (she was almost 1) and my oldest son was in the seat my daughter now occupies. The memories that were brought back were too painful to describe, so I will keep those to myself.
It really struck me how the human mind and heart works. I more or less blocked out the last 8 years and
did my very best to focus on the positive and be grateful for all the good in my life. But damn - there was so much pain and heartache and broken dreams in the past 8 years. So many relationships fractured and painful endings. It really is a wonder I survived intact. But I did. And I am stronger and more determined than ever that this next phase is the reward. It is the time that makes up for all the sadness and hurt and shattered dreams. I feel so very blessed and thankful that God kept me close during this time and showed me time and time again that life is not necessarily easy but that it always happens and works out the way it is meant to. And I felt my mom ever so close today smiling down on her 90th birthday and telling me - Tina bellina you have earned this. It's your time and there are so many happy moments ahead you are not going to believe it. And today was definitely not just a day in the life.