Easy like Sunday mourning...

 

This morning I woke up (if you can call it that - I was literally up every hour 19 minutes past the hour) and I felt unnerved.  It is Sunday - the most perfect day of the week for me - so literally What the fuck?  I slept in (I need to not do that, it is NOT good for me) and felt like I had lost my best friend.  I did my usual, grabbed my coffee and went to start my morning routine.  I started with my journal because lately after doing my gratitude, time with God and prayer journal I have nothing to say in my journal because I feel so good.  So today I started backwards.  And out it flowed.  Tomorrow marks the 10 year anniversary of losing my mom.  10 years - how?  It feels like yesterday, how have 10 years passed? It made me think of all that has happened since she left and then it all started flowing.  Losing her was so painful, but during that time the other part of my life ended and I believe that is what I am still grieving.  I hadn't thought about it before in that way.  My daughter and I always talk about the last decade being so painful and with so many changes and we firmly believe this next decade will be one of peace and happiness.  We have definitely earned it.  I think she has for sure.  When I look at life from her point of view the fact that she is as magical as she is shocks me.  But, you'll have to read her blog for that stuff - she is a gifted writer and not afraid to share her journey.  https://substack.com/@thechakrafairy

But this is about my grief and what I realized this morning I am grieving.  I am grieving my fairy tale, my happily ever after.  My dream of having that home with the welcoming front porch covered in grandchildren and my children close by.  Holidays and dinners with me in the kitchen with my loving husband as we exchange knowing glances as we watch the grandchildren play and our adult children playing a game at the table or simply watching something on TV and catching up on life and their views. This....this was my lifelong dream and it's one that I am realizing I need to let go of.  It's not in the cards for me - my first grandbaby is being born across the country this year, my oldest son is not in my life and that loving husband has never materialized.  And after writing in my gratitude journal about how grateful I am for the life I have I said I am always feeling like there should be more - and that other people have these grand dreams and plans and I don't.  I am quite content with my life and I KNOW how lucky and blessed I am - every single day.  I have things that a lot of people long for - I have faith, and peace and dare I say happiness these days.  But in order to fully embrace all the good in my life, I have to grieve what is left behind.  

As I wrote a letter to my mom this morning and I told her about all the things I have to be grateful for she reminded me of what I had lost on the way to this point.  That is where it all came out.  My dreams and goals from when I was a little girl were so very different than most people.  I achieved them, but they don't look the way I had hoped.  And that's okay - life rarely looks the way you thought it would, but that doesn't make if any less blessed.  It is also okay to mourn the life you thought you would have, just don't set up camp and stay there.  Because today is a beautiful day in the life.

It's Me - Hi - I'm the problem it's me.....or is it?

This week was full of dreams that I could not remember when I woke up, but I knew they were somehow significant.  My friend Jill tells me that your subconscious does a lot of healing while you sleep, and the dreams help you process emotions that might be too hard to process when you are awake.  I never really thought about dreams before because I never remembered having them until probably this past year or so.  Chat GPT is fantastic for interpreting your dreams when you remember them.  This week I couldn't.  Probably for the best. But it has left me wondering (as usual) what it is that I am doing wrong in my life.  There are people that I have loved completely and wholly, and they just are not in my life anymore.  I am taken for granted (I feel) by most people that I love completely.  Is it me?  Am I the problem?  I have wracked my brain for years to figure out why the people I love so completely have hurt me so deeply and tossed me aside like yesterday's trash. I am just not important enough for people to choose me. What am I doing wrong?  So, I've altered my personality as much as I can.  I do not allow people to have access to all of me anymore.  I have chosen to put myself first and avoid things that make me feel awful.  I am a firm believer that if you can't change something, you need to let it go.  I want to teach everyone this important fact.  If there is something in your life that you can change - DO IT!  What the hell are you waiting for?  Why live with something that keeps repeating itself if you have the power to change it?  Swallow your damn pride and ego and just DO IT!  I have.  Many, many times.  I have learned how to take accountability when I have done something wrong.  I have learned to apologize (something I could not do in my earlier decades).  I have learned to change the things that I can change, whether that be my address, my job, my circle of people, my weight, my diet, my routines - whatever the case may be.  But what about the things I can't?

So, I stay in my bubble.  I cannot force someone to choose me, to choose to have me in their life, to accept me for who I am.  I cannot force someone to include me - to include me in their life, in their heart. So, I do what I need to do to accept that.  To accept that sometimes the people that you love so deeply just don't care enough to love you back.  But if this happens repeatedly - am I the problem?  What am I doing that makes me so disposable to the people I love the most?  I asked my friend Jill that this morning and as ALWAYS, she says the perfect thing.  She builds me up in a way that a best friend does.  But that's just it, she's my best friend OF COURSE she wants me in her life every day, as I do with her.  And my daughter.  My beautiful, incredible daughter.  She is so fiercely protective of me she wants to destroy every person who makes me feel this way.  She repeats things I have told her in the past and how can I argue with my own advice?  Makes it a bit difficult.  So, I did what I normally do - I tried to do a brain dump.  Perhaps weepy music wasn't the best choice, because I am not sad today.... today I am angry.  I am fucking pissed off that I can't fix this.  I am a fixer, a problem solver - that is what I do!  My bosses tell me all the time - you are such a great problem solver because you think outside of the box.  Yea - this is true.  I do.  But this particular issue is something I can't seem to change, no matter what I try.  So, I do what I do - I walk away.  I stop caring.  I focus on myself.  And that usually works!  But this past week or so I have had these people brought into my thoughts and life in a way I have no control over.  So, I can't avoid the thoughts.  And where, in the past, I would cry and be sad for what I have lost, today?  I am pissed off.  I deserve better!  I deserve people who love me and want me in their life and appreciate all the love I have given.  And how dare they just cast me aside like I don't matter!  Well guess what?  It is their loss, and I know this!  Deep down in my core I do.  But I never want to be that person who doesn't take accountability for my part in any of it.  So, I go around in circles to figure out what I have done wrong to bring me to this point and how can I change it going forward?  How can I ensure that the new people finding their way into my life don't hurt me in the way that these loved ones have?  I have worked really hard to break down all the protective walls I built over the majority of my life so that I CAN love completely and allow people in.  Do I need to build them up again?  I think I do where these people are concerned, but do I need to do it going forward with new people?  I hope not.  I hope I can find the right people who will love me as completely as I love them.  People that appreciate me the way I appreciate them.  Cherish me the way I cherish them.  I am extremely careful of who I let into my inner circle, who I share my heart and soul with.  I guess I need to be a bit more careful in the future. 

 Because every day should be an important day in the life!

You never know what's gonna happen You make your plans and you hear God laughing

 

Today was a doozy.  I have started a morning routine that truly suits me well and I am getting into the groove of it.  Part of it is taking some time to just be quiet and journal what I hear God speaking to my heart.  It has been very eye opening to say the least and it's become one of the favorite parts of my day.  And then today --- God said be silent, be still.  Now I cannot write those words without thinking of Freddie Prinze Jr. in the movie "She's All That" but, I digress.  I giggled to myself and waited for the rest of God's wisdom to come through.  Nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.  Pen poised, I waited.  Nope.  That was it.  Alrighty, next on the to do list.  So I assumed (ahhh why, oh WHY do I ever do that? - I am 60 years old, have I not learned yet?  Apparently not.) that today would be quiet and nothing much would happen.  And then this afternoon I got two texts back to back and a phone call and 2 things that I have felt strongly were coming soon happened.  Bam.  In the span of 5 minutes God answered prayers.  Not in the way I thought it would happen.  Not the outcome that I completely hoped for - BUT it is what I've prayed for and I went from one moment of status quo to the next moment - really big changes!  As I waited for the phone call that one of the text promised I was making tuna fish and I suddenly felt such nervousness I knew there was no way I could eat.  My daughter asked "Are you nervous or are you excited???"  Hmmm good question - no clue how to tell the difference at this point, so I said "well, it has proved to me once again that God can change everything in an instant - good or bad"

I can look back on my life, and I often do, to how one moment changed everything at various times in my life.  Sometimes things build up to the big change, but most of the time it changes in one moment.   Meeting someone randomly and that person becomes someone so significant in my life.  I remember when I was 15 turning 16 I was working at a local Carvel and this group of boys that I used to hang out with came to visit me at work.  One of them was THE boy (at the time) - little did I know that the company snitch was sitting out in the parking lot watching me while I worked and she called the boss and they came in and fired me on the spot.  Did I think - oh my father is going to kill me! - no.  Did I think my friend who got me the job was going to be mad?  Ummm nope.  I walked back with the boys in the snow and after having dinner at THE boys house by the end of the night I had a boyfriend and I was over the moon!  Job?  What job?  I was turning 16 and he liked me back - ahhh to be 16 again.   So in a matter of mere moments I was unemployed and had a boyfriend.  Talk about major life changes!  Other changes are more gradual - one day you're in high school the next you graduate - but you have 4 years to get used to that change.  One day you're single, the next your married - but again - there is a build up to that.  One day you are not a parent and the next moment you are - but again - 9 months leading up to that change.

I am a planner - always have been.  I knew I wanted to be married for 5 years and have my kids 4 years apart.  1994 - 1998 and 2003 (she had to be delayed for insurance purposes 😉.) It was not until I got the nudge to move to Arizona that I realized - my plans are not necessarily God's plans.  For a control freak like I was this was not an easy realization.  But - I followed my faith and it has grown stronger every year.  Even through the unexpected turns that I never saw coming and certainly never asked for.  But when I look back I can see why things happened the way they did.  Today's changes certainly did not happen the way I thought they would, but it still changed life as I know it in 10 minutes time.  I looked up to thank God and I swear I saw my mom in the kitchen with a pot - stirring it, with a huge smile on her face.  (and now I am crying)  I know she has been working overtime up there to get me to where I am suppose to be.

I am very excited (not nervous - well maybe a little) to see what is next.  I know this year will be a life changing one in many ways and it is off to a really great start.  I am open to the changes and new people it will bring my way.  No matter what is coming next I know that God has my back and there is my very own blonde angel in the kitchen stirring the pot to make sure that my life is as sweet as the pudding she used to make me when I was a little girl.  Remember, it's not always just a day in the life!

Tick-tock on the clock, but the party don't stop

 

It's Sunday, glorious Sunday.  But half of the USA is freaking out about a TikTok ban.  It is making my stomach turn, honestly.  During our morning coffee conversation I had to tell my daughter I could not listen to another thing about Tik Tok and we needed to change the subject.  Yes, I am a bit cranky - I am turning 60 this week, doesn't that come with the territory?  No?  Just some discounts and my body having a few extra creeks?  Ok.  Well then I'm just cranky today.

BUT - this whole insanity revolving around a stupid social media app got my brain going.  I do have a tik tok account, I must be clear - during 2020 shut down it entertained me.  Yes, I have been known to purchase a thing or two off of the Tik Tok shop - guilty.  But I can assure you my life will go on with or without it.  I never realized how much money people made on this app until everyone thought it was going away.  I am not going to lie it pissed me off and terrified me at the same time.  Are we watching a generation grow up without the ability to have a "real job?"  Don't get me wrong - I applaud them for finding a way to avoid the typical 9-5 - I think that's admirable.  I am all for spending your free time doing things you love and with the people you love instead of glued to a desk or a computer or your phone.  However, they are making a living without any real skills to carry them in their later years or if (gasp!) the app gets banned.  AND they are relying on the rest of the world being glued to their damn phones while they take a break from their 9-5 or they relax to recharge after a long week.  Jeez, in a minute I am going to be screaming "Get off my lawn!" I sound so cynical and old.  But I am not.  I am realizing that things need to change in my life as well.  And I have faith that President Trump will not allow the app to be banned (because we live in a free country after all - ask any soldier who has served what the price for that is!) but it almost makes me sad.  I wish it was being banned, but I don't think it will change anything until people are ready to change.

Life is meant to be lived.  Have I mentioned I am turning 60?  I have?  See the mind goes as you get older 😏.  Seriously though - life is short.  Way too short.  And how much of it are we wasting waiting for the next best thing?  Waiting for the weekend, for a holiday, for vacation blah blah blah.  I made a point years ago to not wait for anything.  To live my life to the fullest every day.  Now - my needs are simple.  I don't have a huge bucket list to check off.  I don't need to accomplish a certain thing before xyz happens.  My goals?  To be happy and healthy and find the joy in every single day.  And it works.  I am telling you.  It works!  Am I happy all day every day? Umm no, I just said I was cranky today - are you paying attention? 😎.  However, I have peace in my soul and joy in my heart every day.  Why?  Because I don't have regrets.  If there is something I need to say to someone - I say it.  When I miss someone - I tell them.  When I love someone I show it.  I don't care if it is reciprocated, I don't care if I look pathetic or needy - that's more on the other person no?  I am being genuine.  So I don't have any huge heavy things hanging over me.  Like wow I wish I had..... nope been there done that.  It is very freeing and healthy.   Try it!

Another key to happiness is FAITH.  Yes, faith.  That is the cornerstone to my life.  I never realized how much my dad taught me about faith without even realizing it.  He used to say - "whatever will be will be, if you can't change it why worry? " And another one - "God says are you going to worry about it?  Because if you will then I won't". and my FAVORITE "God has it - it will be okay" Growing up I never realized how potent those statements were.  Wow, I still can't type about my dad without tears - damn it.  I thought they were just cliches.  But I realize now how they weren't - they were life lessons and proof of how to live your life.  When I hear my son and daughter discuss their faith and how they turn to God consistently it makes me feel like my life was well lived.  I did my job with those two.  They are incredible human beings and if I had even a little something to do with shaping them into that than my life was a success.  Now, I want so badly to instill that in every person I come across.  My friend told me yesterday "I know if I want someone to just pacify me, you are not the one to go to."  Yup.  That's right.  I won't allow someone to stay in a pity party - please don't invite me.  Am I compassionate?  To a Fault.  Do I have sympathy for other people?  So very much.  Will I allow you to set up camp in a place where you are obsessing over something instead of giving it to God and having faith?  Yea, no sorry.

When people tell me how shocked they are that I have moved to 3 different states without really every being there and ask me if I was scared.  I answer honestly - no.  Why?  Because I listened to my inner GPS (God is loud when you listen!) And I know that any situation I face, He has been there before me and will stand with me through it all.  What do I have to fear?  Ask yourself that!  What is the worst thing that will happen if you follow that guidance?  Tell someone how you feel?  Find a different career path?  Newsflash - whatever is meant to be will happen - Destiny/Fate it's all mapped out already.  The difference is - the longer you drag your heels or fear an outcome the harder life will be.  You will have the same outcome eventually, but with a lot more pain, bumps and bruises.

So, this very long rant is basically just to encourage you to find something every day that brings you joy - and try to make it not involve your phone and scrolling aimlessly watching other people live theirs.  Because at the end of the day - it's a very important day in the life!

Just hold on loosely, but don't let go!

 Happy 2025!  So far?  So good!  Now I say that as if it's all been sunshine and rainbows.  I ended 2024 in a magnificent place, with this hope in my heart and joy in my soul.  It was a really nice change of pace from the last (dare I say) almost decade?  I am trying to keep that momentum going during this beginning of the next decade and I am doing a pretty good job.  Does this mean that things are smooth sailing over here in the Midwest?  Umm no!  I am human, after all, and I have a pretty big birthday looming around the corner which I must admit is attempting to affect me the way my 20th and 30th did - not well bitch.  My 40th and 50th were not terrible.  I don't usually allow the number to affect me, but this one?  It is not my friend.  I feel certain age-related things creeping in - and between me and you?  I am not allowing it.  Nope.  I refuse to feel my age ever.  I type this I can't deny there are tears welling up in my eyes.  How did I get here?  I still feel like that 20-year-old girl adjusting to my parents moving away and having to attempt to be a grown up.  What happened to the last 40 years?  So much and yet not enough.  How do I get myself out of this funk and these thoughts that are threatening to consume me?  I will tell you how, by remembering this little tidbit - Life can change in an INSTANT - good or bad - so it's best not to get too far ahead of yourself or look back too far.  

When life seems stagnant or like your dreams are not going to come true, I urge you to think of a time when you got a call or a text or a meeting that changed everything very unexpectedly.  Life can change in an instant.  As I am typing this so many of those moments are racing through my mind.  Feeling sad or alone and you get a life changing phone call or text or email from someone you were not expecting.  Life will never be the same.  Having a good day and then an argument starts, and everything crumbles, and you feel like the rug is pulled out from under you.  Life will never be the same.   A random meeting with someone new that changes everything.  Life will never be the same.  Some of those moments are burned on your brain and you remember every detail - you can even put yourself right back in that moment.  Some you can barely remember but you know it changed life as you knew it.  I think a lot of us focus on the bad change moments - those I can usually remember very vividly - a summer night in 1998 coming home to find out my husband was not who I hoped he was. Walking down the maternity hall and seeing your newborn in the nursery and being woken up an hour later with frantic doctors asking you to sign release forms for a spinal tap.  Leaving the hospital without your newborn 4 days later (yes, my middle son kept me on my toes!) A Wednesday before Thanksgiving in 1999 when my middle son nearly choked at the mall after I was told my $20 bill (given to me by a cub scout mom) was counterfeit and my husband came home and told me he lost his job- two weeks later I had a horrific car accident with my middle son in the car and my car was totaled. Another summer day in 2004 when I had just had surgery, and I found out my husband lost his job. Yet another summer day in 2009 when I found out my middle son had cancer at the age of 10.  Christmas Eve 2013 when my oldest decided to tell me what a horrible mother I was and disrupted the entire home and it turned out to be the last Christmas I would spend with my mother - this is depressing I think I will stop that train.  

There are a few life changing moments that were wonderful that I do remember just as vividly. The birth of each of my children.  Driving across the country and seeing the "purple mountains majesty" while entering New Mexico. Walking into your first brand new home that was more than you could ever dream of.  An email out of the blue from someone you thought was left in your past. A phone call/text/facetime announcing engagements and pregnancies. A random message that starts a relationship that changes your life. A first kiss that made the rest of the world fall away and shook the earth. A conversation while taking my son to college at a restaurant that led to him realizing he was ready to propose to his girlfriend. Picking my daughter up to find out she made Varsity cheer in her freshman year - these are but a few.  During most of these moments I had no idea what would come next, just how quickly life can change.

So, when I am in a not-so-great place I remind myself just how quickly life can change and we don't have to know how or when, we just have to trust that what is meant to be will always find a way.  And if something doesn't happen, then perhaps it wasn't meant to be and something even better than you can imagine is around the corner.  Be kind to yourself - forgive yourself for things you wish you had done differently.  I also want you to remember that miracles happen each and every day, and yours can be next!  And on those not so magical days remember - it's just a day in the life!

On the path unwinding, in the circle of life

I just celebrated my baby girl’s 21st birthday, and I still can’t believe how quickly the years have flown by. It feels like just yesterday I was hearing her first cry in the delivery room - as soon as they made the incision on my stomach. I breathed a sigh of pure relief because I knew all is well with the precious cargo I carried for nearly 40 weeks. The room was filled with laughter, and when I saw her for the first time, she was perfect. She still is in my eyes.

She’s my best friend in this world, and I’m so, so blessed to have her. Watching your child grow up is one of life’s greatest joys—and lessons. It’s a profound reminder of the circle of life. I often find myself identifying with my own mother and wondering how many times I hurt her without ever realizing it. There’s so much I didn’t understand until now. I’m grateful every day that my daughter appreciates me as much as she does. She thanks me for things I don’t even realize I’ve done.

Watching her blossom in our new surroundings has been incredible. Moving here felt like stepping into the life God planned for us. From the moment we crossed the state border, we could feel the difference, even though we were tested right away with some challenges. Thankfully, those moments passed, and we were able to enjoy the fresh start we’d waited two years for. The past six weeks have been truly a blessing.

When a friend recently texted, “Nine degrees? Any regrets?” I didn’t hesitate: “Not a one.” It is really crazy how quickly we adjusted to hats and coats and socks, gloves and well, shoes.  We belong here!  We’ve also started exploring the area together. A few nights ago, we went to a Pentatonix concert, and the female lead said "if you came here with your mom, give her a hug",  we both teared up. My daughter hugged me and told me once again how grateful she is for me.  She took a lot of photos that night and she gets so happy when she sees how much we look alike.  I am so grateful for that.  I always feel badly when people tell her she looks just like me, like what if she doesn't want to (I know - strange!  I was always told I looked like my dad and it bugged me - I wanted to look like my mom and I think I do now!)

This past week brought a lot of challenges that in the past would have leveled me.  But it also brought some incredible things that reminded me of the miracles God brings in His time. As they sang Hallelujah, I felt that familiar swell of gratitude for the life I’m living and for the way it’s unfolding.

Sometimes the circle of life takes my breath away. My life looks so different from what I once imagined. I dreamed of growing old surrounded by my kids and grandchildren, family dinners, and holidays together. But looking back, aside from being a single mom, I’ve realized I’m reliving my parents’ life. They moved away when I was 20, and we never lived in the same state again. I moved to Arizona, far from family in New York, and now my children have built lives apart from me.

Still, my parents found ways to stay deeply connected to me and my children, and I hope to do the same. This new chapter excites me. My children are adults now, and I no longer play the central role in their lives. They want me to support them when they ask and that’s okay. Now, it’s my turn—to pursue the life I want and the happiness I deserve.

Through it all, I’m grateful for the bond I share with my daughter, one that reminds me so much of my relationship with my own mother. My mom was always my go-to person, my friend, and my support system. That’s what my daughter and I have, and I know it will never change.

By her 22nd birthday, things will likely look different. She’s blossoming, starting the next phase of her life, and I couldn’t be more excited for her. Watching her grow into the person she’s meant to be is an incredible gift. I’m so proud of her and so grateful to have a front-row seat to her journey.

And that… is not just a day in the life.

 

The First Cut is the Deepest

 

https://open.substack.com/pub/chatwithyourangels/p/the-first-cut-is-the-deepest-or-is?r=4hyqmr&utm_medium=ios

^^^^^^^^^

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I'm changing, arranging, I'm changing everything around me

 Today would have marked my mother's 90 birthday.  I chose this date to meet the movers to pack up all my belongings and get ready for my move next week.  So many divinely orchestrated things occurred in the last 24 hours it was truly remarkable.  I knew my mom would be with me every moment of this journey.  My daughter and I started off yesterday loading up the remainder of the belongings we wanted to go on the truck to our new home.  Today, we met the movers, and I have to be honest, I was a bit apprehensive because of the nightmare that my move from Arizona to Florida was.  So, after all was said and done ironically, we wound up traveling past the first neighborhood that we lived in here 8 years ago.  As we drove down Rte. 27, we both realized how much has happened in the past 8 years and how much we blocked out so many instances.  WOW!  I was saying how this feeling of happiness and excitement that I have now makes me realize that I have spent the last 8 years in a place that I thought was happy, but it turns out it was merely contentment after a time of complete upheaval and pain.  I didn't know the difference because it had been so long since I felt that true joy and happiness to my core. I guess I was just grateful that things had become a bit calmer. It was sad to me to realize that - and it made me wonder how many other people think that what they are feeling is true happiness when it is merely contentment or making the best of a bad situation.  I just felt the tears start flowing as I remembered the last 8 years and how much has changed during that time.  We went through a lot in this State.  We decided to take a drive past the original house we moved into when we arrived in Florida.  It was surreal.  I am not the same person that lived in that house.  She was so unaware of the utter chaos and shambles her life would become in the next 8 years.  Everything she believed and held dear was ripped from her.  Her entire existence was turned upside down more times than I can even count.  All of those memories came flooding back and my daughter and I looked at each other and kept saying "Oh my God, I forgot that"....and remembering these moments was like opening up a wound that we did not even realize was there.  

I could not help but compare the horrific experience when we moved from Arizona to Florida to today's incredible, simple, happy preview of this next move.  The movers showed up on time, the price was as quoted, everything fit into the cubes and viola - it was done.  They were kind and sweet and so grateful for our offers to help.  When I moved from Arizona the movers showed up a day late, charged me an additional couple of thousand dollars, we had so much stuff left that didn't fit - driving 3 vehicles across the country with my sons following. One following like an extension of my car and the other - not listening, not following directions, and just adding so much stress to an already stressful time.  Staying in horrific hotels/motels that still give us a good laugh.  I was so worried about finances, and whether I was doing the right thing by my kids.  This move?  Soooo different.  We left Arizona as a family of 4 with 2 pups - we are leaving Florida as a party of 2 with 1 pup for one.  Next my daughter is truly like having another brain - she remembers things that I forget (like the keys to storage when moving from one car to the other - imagine getting all the way to Orlando and leaving the keys to storage back in Lake Worth---not great)  I don't have to tell her what I am thinking, she just knows and we just work really well together. Anyway, I digress - we both agreed that that chaos carried over for the next nearly 8 years of living in Florida.  This never felt like home.  It never brought good things without 10 bad things following it.  How did we block all of that out? 

As I was driving on the Florida Tpke I was recalling the move from NY to Arizona 20 years ago and the tears really started flowing then.  My daughter was in her car seat (she was almost 1) and my oldest son was in the seat my daughter now occupies.  The memories that were brought back were too painful to describe, so I will keep those to myself.

It really struck me how the human mind and heart works.  I more or less blocked out the last 8 years and

did my very best to focus on the positive and be grateful for all the good in my life.  But damn - there was so much pain and heartache and broken dreams in the past 8 years.  So many relationships fractured and painful endings.  It really is a wonder I survived intact.  But I did.  And I am stronger and more determined than ever that this next phase is the reward.  It is the time that makes up for all the sadness and hurt and shattered dreams.  I feel so very blessed and thankful that God kept me close during this time and showed me time and time again that life is not necessarily easy but that it always happens and works out the way it is meant to.  And I felt my mom ever so close today smiling down on her 90th birthday and telling me - Tina bellina you have earned this.  It's your time and there are so many happy moments ahead you are not going to believe it.  And today was definitely not just a day in the life.

Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain....we all have sorrow

 Last week was one I will never forget.  There was a hurricane set to hit Florida and the amount of stress and fear and just overall judgement and negativity was running rampant.   I usually do not get caught up in that because I just always know I am safe and protected.  But it was really hard to avoid.  I had so many people texting to see if we were evacuating or if our area was safe (which was so nice and made me feel loved) and I was definitely more aware than I usually am.  And then....I got a text from my cousin that they had found another spot on her brain and the cancer may have spread.  Then I got a text that literally made my knees buckle.  I got a text from one of my oldest and dearest friends on Wednesday night checking on my daughter and me.  Then on Thursday ---less than 24 hours later a text that her husband died.  I'm sorry what?!?!?!  Two weeks ago she was sending me photos of them during a visit to New York at all of our favorite food places - photos of her hubby eating onion rings from one of our favorite diners - and he's gone?  How?  He died of a heart attack (something called the Widow maker, how surreal) in the middle of telling a joke.  Wow.

We have always joked that we lived parallel lives.  I was a bridesmaid in her wedding....we always seemed to be a few years apart in our big life moments.  We got divorced around the same time, had kids around the same time, Moved to different states around the same times.  But in 2015 she got married to the love of her life.  That is where our parallel lives were not so parallel.  And now?  He's gone.  She called me last night and I felt fear run through my body.  I truly had no idea what I was going to say to her?  My big thing is everything happens for a reason - God has a plan.  Well how the hell was I going to try to interpret the plan or reason for this?  I didn't have to.  She told me she knew she needed to lean into God and turn to him and that she felt her husband in her soul.  She said "I know if anyone understands that it would be you".  Wow.  just wow.  She is planning to really embrace her faith and turn to it for solace.  She thanked me for sharing my faith so freely and that whenever she wavered she would reach out to me.

I have really been struggling since I got her text - I just could not wrap my brain around what she must be feeling, how she was going to live in their home surrounded by his presence - how do you function?  How do you carry on after losing the love of your life?  How do you recover being a widow at 55?  How do any of us carry on after loss?  For me?  I turn to God and my faith - if I did not have that I do not know what I would do.  At the same time I was receiving videos and photos from my son and daughter in law from their trip to Europe - talk about opposite ends of the spectrum.   I felt like my insides were in the middle of a ping pong game.  But no matter what, life goes on.  All the tragedy going on in Florida and North Carolina - in the middle of people trying to rent homes to flee the hurricane.  Life goes on.  I'm in the middle of a cross country move.  Life goes on.  How do you stay hopeful and grateful and not let things like this level you?  Faith.  At the end of the day that's all we have, and it's necessary to remember it is just a day in the life-and good or bad, we need to embrace it.

https://gofund.me/ea597f3e

Here’s a go fund me link for my dear friend if you’re able and want to help

I beg your pardon....I never promised you a rose garden-- along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometimes

 Well, the movement and clarity I have been waiting for has finally arrived.  It has been just over 2 years of waiting.  But just when I was starting to think my God GPS was broken, it came through.  So now the "fun" begins.  The packing, the moving, the setting up utilities, scheduling all the things that come along with it.  But with that comes an excitement I have not had since I moved to Arizona in 2004.  Another cross country move (dear Lord please let it be the last!) to places unknown.  When I left New York in 2004 I was so   excited for this new chapter I really did not have time to be sad.  (packing up a 4-bedroom house with 2 boys and an infant did not leave any time for much else).  When I left Arizona for Florida, I was not excited, but I was not sad.  I knew that was where I needed to be but I was never excited to live here.  8 years later it's time to leave and I am ready and excited!  But today I was driving around and singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in the car and I was just so grateful and happy.  But then....it hit me.  I have to say goodbye to my parents' home for the last time.  I will never drive past my dad's old barber shop again.  I will never think - oh this is the way I used to drive to pick Pop up.  Or oh, I used to go there with my mom all the time.  I came home and was packing the little stuff we have here, and I came across my dad's barber jackets.  They were still hanging in the closet nearly 3 years later.  Now, I have been brutal with this move.  I have had no sentimentality whatsoever; I have been donating every week with not a thought.  But those jackets brought me to tears.  No.  I cannot get rid of them.  I have no idea what I will do with them, but they are coming on this journey with me.  Then I was going through my winter clothes (yes, I am going to need winter clothes) and I found his red sweater and the sweatshirt he was wearing the last time I saw him.  My God will I EVER stop missing them?  The answer is no.  

Even when your prayers are being answered and you are excited and grateful, there are also things that are sad or painful.  Change is not easy.  It doesn't always look the way you thought it would.  Life is about to change in a big way and I am letting my faith guide me.  So, what I am holding onto is that God never promised change would be easy, following his path for your life - isn't always easy.  But - if we focus on the good and stay grateful even after it leaves us, then no day is just a day in the life.

I'm proud of who I am No more monsters, I can breathe again

 Anger…. I’ve always felt it was a useless emotion.  I admit to being very angry in the past.  Anger was my go to emotion for a very long time.  I figured that out less than 10 years ago- far too late, but better late than never I suppose.  I realized that somehow anger felt more powerful than the feelings it was masking (sadness, despair, being hurt, treated unfairly).  When I showed the underlying emotions I was labeled weak or those emotions were used against me.  Anger was safe. Trust me- I may only be 5’2” tall but when I was angry -look out!  My tongue was sharp and cruel and you can ask the many hairbrushes I smashed and my sons’ lightsabers that I broke over my leg what that fury was.  It seems like another lifetime ago and I hate looking back at her.  Ugly. Just ugly.  But what was underneath that anger was so much pent up hurt and disappointment and trying to hold it all together alone so that no one would see how broken I truly was.  And guilt.  Oh the guilt for being unhappy.  So it came out as anger.  I thought I had healed it all.  Purged it all out.  Apparently not.  This week’s full moon brought these buried emotions up and it shocked me for sure!  It came out of no where and took hold of me in a way I barely remember.  And I do NOT like feeling angry, but you have to feel it to heal it.  So I did some more soul searching and realized apparently I’ve been holding on to a lot of old emotions.  I had to figure out what and why and who was causing this.  Not pleasant.  I think I’ve spent the last 3 days crying and writing and crying some more.  I would like to think it’s all out but who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️. I decided to write letters to the people that I feel the most hurt by.  The list was longer than I expected.  I will never send them, obviously!  In fact I need to burn them because if anyone got a hold of them 😳.  But now I can let all that go.  I need to accept the fact that I’ll never receive an apology or closure or anything that ties it up in a nice pink bow.  So I need to give that to  myself.  I need to forgive myself for taking blame that didn’t belong to me. For carrying the burden of others actions thinking somehow it was my fault when it wasn’t. I have accepted responsibility for my mistakes but I will no longer make excuses or take the blame for other people’s actions.  

I’m getting ready for a whole new chapter in my life and there’s no room for these situations in the future.  I realize releasing it was my way of closing the book on those situations. You can’t write a new chapter if you keep rereading the old ones.  What are you carrying with you that would make your life so much lighter if you just set it down.  Is it even yours to carry?  Do yourself a favor and take a look and see if you have emotions to need to release—-make it a better day in the life. 

Your mother warned you there'd be days like these

 

This week it came out that the death of Matthew Perry was negligence on the part of his doctors and his assistant.  Last year on that fateful day I began a month or so of obsessive reading, researching, rereading his book, relistening to his book and grieving someone I had never met.  When Friends was airing in the 90's I was obsessed with Matthew Perry.  He was most definitely my celebrity crush, and I could not get enough of his onscreen presence.  Friends was my comfort show.  Whenever I couldn't sleep, I would put Friends on in the background.  I haven't really watched an episode in almost a year.  I was just now starting to be able to watch an episode if it happened to come on after my TiVo show ended.  This week's news brought it all back again.  The visions of the ambulance leaving his home, his parents pulling into the driveway past the yellow police tape, his last haunting Instagram posts that made people wonder if Mattman was secretly begging for help.  It seems that perhaps he was.  It made me wonder again what exactly were the last days of his life like?  It breaks my heart that he suffered his whole life with this addiction and depression and the fact that medical professionals took advantage of that for profit turns my stomach. It got me thinking about his assistant, who administered that fatal dose of ketamine, and when is enough enough.

In a world of celebrity worship, the new era of influencers and the social media frenzy and cell phone obsessions when is enough enough?  Everywhere you turn people are suffering from anxiety, ADHD, depression and the list goes on.  When I was growing up (in the stone ages 😜) this was not a thing.  Did we suffer from them and just not know?  Most likely yes.  I remember a few boys in my elementary school who one thousand percent suffered from ADHD - and they were labeled as a problem or dumb.  Do I think that was fair?  No.  But I do feel like the labels of anxiety, depression and ADHD and the like are now thrown around like confetti.  When I was younger, we called it being nervous.  I was nervous about my upcoming exams, nervous about starting a new job - you get the idea.  Nowadays everyone has anxiety - somehow there has to be a difference.  Anyway, I digress.  This week also the whole drama with the "It ends with us" movie is all over social media.  Domestic Violence victims/survivors are speaking out and it makes me wonder.  How many people that we talk to daily are suffering from something that the world never sees?  Have masks become so easy to put on to cover people's pain that no one sees the real struggle people are living with?  I am someone who has always taken people at their word.  But I am also very intuitive and if I spend any amount of time with you, I will feel if something is off.  But if I ask you and you deny it - I will take you at your word.  But I strive to get people to face their inner demons.  I don't feel like people should suffer in silence - I want everyone to take a good hard look at themselves and be honest - at least with themselves - about whether or not they are really ok.  I wonder what would have happened if Matthew Perry had gotten the help he needed dealing with all of his inner turmoil rather than been given drugs to stop his drug addiction (make that make sense please!)  Mental illness is so complex and so misunderstood it baffles me.  Everyone, it seems, is dealing with depression.  And I know some people need the medication prescribed to them.  I am not against that at all, do not get me wrong.  However, I feel like sometimes medication is given and it is truly just a Band-Aid for an underlying issue that is masked.  Meditation, yoga, journaling and even prayer are all ways people can get in touch with the inner feelings/circumstances that are causing the anxiety and depression.  My son and daughter thankfully, are very in tune with the why.  Why am I feeling this way?  Why did that situation make me feel a certain way? And they then figure out the best way to heal that part of themselves that is triggered with a certain situation.  I am so grateful that they learned it from a very young age.  When I was growing up it didn't matter why I felt a certain way I was just taught to deal with it and most likely it was my fault (most everything was apparently).  I was never one to wear a mask and was always upfront with my feelings.  This made people very uncomfortable and often led to people using my weaknesses against me.  So - instead of putting on a mask I simply chose to be selective with whom I showed my true self to.  It brings me back to Matthew Perry and what actually went on that week before his passing.

Did he try to send out "bat signals" saying he needed help?  Were the people he trusted (his assistant, his doctors) basically just putting a band-aid on the underlying issues of why he used and was depressed?  When is it your job or your duty to dig deeper and refuse to offer the band-aid to someone? Personally, I am not a band-aid offeror.  I am blunt and straight forward and it has cost me relationships in the past.  I am the hold the mirror up kind of friend.  Not because I want to hurt people - but because I was once someone who needed that mirror held up to my face to fix/repair/heal those inner demons. Now, I often hold that mirror up to myself because Lord knows I am still a work in progress.  Did people get tired of holding a mirror to Matthew Perry's face?  Did they just turn away because it triggered their own issues?  The world will never know.  But I think in this day in the life we all need to say "I'll be there for you" - and mean it.  Because life is too short to be anything but kind and honest with ourselves and others.

I think you should know what you've done, you get what you deserve

 

Just when I think I have healed my inner self something else pops up and here we go again!  This week was a tough one - a lot of astrological things, new moon - I felt it all.  But that's ok.  I am used to it by now and I was actually anticipating it.  By this time I sometimes look forward to the deep diving into my soul and what still needs to be addressed.  This was one of those times.  Let's see what I discovered and maybe.....it can help you ask yourself the same questions?

First of all - I realized that I am brave and my faith is truly not something everyone else has.  I am getting ready to move again and God has put a new place on my heart - one I never would have ever imagined.  Another place I have never visited -  every day there are more signs and more conviction on my heart.  Does that mean I am not scared?  No, it definitely doesn't.  Truth be told I am terrified.  Will that stop me?  Never.  When I know that something is sent to me by the divine and I wait until I am sure I am not misunderstanding - nothing can stop me.  I have realized that most people don't understand this AT ALL.  They pretend to, they try to be supportive but inside they are thinking "She is out of her mind!"  That's ok.  It is not for anyone else to understand.  This is why I keep things quiet at this point of my life.  I used to be an open book.  I would tell anyone everything that I thought, what went on in my head and my life.  I mistakenly thought people were honest and transparent.  If I say something - I mean it.  I realize now----that is rare.  Most people just talk to hear themselves and to make themselves look a certain way to the outside world.  That is just not something I can do.  So, my life has changed drastically.  The amount of people I have in my life that I share my inner thoughts and feelings with are close to none.  And I am okay with that.  I don't get my feelings hurt that way.  Which brings me to yesterday's epiphany.

I haven't journaled lately.  I would sit down to write and nothing would come out, I could not get my thoughts to process.  It happens every once in a while.  Yesterday, I was hurt and angry and the words spilled out.  Now that I know my worth - I will except nothing less than what I deserve from people and situations.  I am tired of being someone's convenience - to being forgotten about unless they need someone to talk to who actually gives a shit about them.  This is why my phone is silent.  Why I can go days without a call or text message unless it's work related.  There are certain people that I have given my all to for 30 some years or more and they have dismissed me like I never existed.  It makes me angry.  Why do people not appreciate my presence in their life?  The sacrifices I have made?  The love I have given unconditionally?  Then I realized....am I angry at them or myself?  I was raised to "do the right thing".  I still hear by parents voices sometimes - you HAVE to do that - it's the RIGHT thing to do.  Really?  Is it?  Then why don't people do the same for me?  "It doesn't matter, you have to be the bigger person" - do I ?  Yea not so much anymore.  I struggle as a parent to not drill that into my kids now that they are adults.  I do my best to allow them to decide for themselves how much bullshit they take in a situation.  Even if I don't agree with them because that inner child inside of me gets a knot in my stomach because that is not how I was raised and how I raised them.  But now?  No.  I want them to choose themselves over people that don't value them or treat them the way they deserve to be treated.  I still struggle with it, but luckily I have a younger, stronger version of me in my daughter who gives it to me straight.

I am at a point right now that I am not going to give 100 percent of myself to anything in my life that does not appreciate it.  I do not expect 100 percent of anyone, I have learned that the hard way.  Most people don't love the way I do and that's okay.  They have their own reasons and ways of dealing with life.  However, for the first time in my life I will draw the line in the sand and not allow repeat offenders to step over it.  Even if they are sorry - that doesn't mean they can continuously hurt me and have me be okay with it.  And (I am sorry Pop) blood doesn't make that any different.  Just because I share DNA with someone does not mean they get to shit on me over and over again.  I feel peace in that statement .  

Oops text from my son asking for the spaghetti and meatball receipe - this - this is what brings me joy!!!!  Ok, back to choosing yourself.

I was truly upset yesterday because I realized that people take me for granted in their life.  And I realize I am the only person that can change that.  There was a storm here in Florida - did anyone check to see if I was ok?  No.  But I am used that.  My daughter and I were joking yesterday and she said "two women found surrounded by donuts and coffee weeks later - not sure when they expired". and we then thought about it - how long would it take for someone to check on us?  Our boss would probably get suspicious after a day but he would have no idea how to check on us - I said no next of kin.  But it is true! My son would get suspicious but we don't talk every day - so I don't know when he'd get nervous.  I remember calling the police when my siblings and I hadn't heard from my parents for 2 days.  We did a wellness check - they were so mad!  They went away for the weekend and didn't tell us.  Maybe times have changed.  But I need to change with the times.  I am not going to give all of myself anymore to people just because it's "the right thing to do".  Does this sound bitter and nasty?  Maybe.  Maybe it is.  Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.  But today....this is the day in my life....