He looks at me with those big brown eyes, he's got me in the palm of his hands

 I became a Gigi last week.  My first grandbaby was born 4 weeks early and I am still in disbelief how this little boy is now a dad.  It was just yesterday that I was woken up and told he had a fever, and I needed to authorize a spinal tap for my 3-day old infant.  Now?  He is a dad.  He is dealing with pediatrician appointments and hospitals and bottles and diapers.  How?  But I can tell you something - I have been proud of him millions (that is NOT an exaggeration!) of times in his 27 years on this earth, but never more than I am right at this moment.  

When my daughter in law was in labor, I was glued to my phone the entire night waiting for updates.  Early in the morning that Monday I got the text that SJ was born!  That first photo came through and I just lost my breath.  It was like her father was born all over again.  All I could see was his little face.  Now I know she will be her own person, and she will have traits of both her parents, obviously.  But when my son was born all ANYONE could see was my father's face (still do!) and when his daughter was born, I saw his.  

I got a phone call late on Saturday that he needed me to come to Arizona.  I was on a flight the next day ready to meet my granddaughter.  I was not prepared for the emotion I felt when I saw MY BABY coming off that elevator in that deserted hospital pushing his preemie daughter in the stroller.  I was unsure of how I would feel the first time I saw that perfect little girl, but my first instinct and my first reaction was to hold my son.  I am not sure he will understand until his daughter is grown how a parent never outgrows that instinct to comfort and protect their child.  But he's a man...he's a husband and a father - I need to know my place and remember it.  But in that moment?  He was my child.

Watching him this week caring for his daughter (who, by the way is perfection in human form - not because she's my granddaughter - but because she is!) and his wife I have never been prouder of the man he has become.  I insisted they both get sleep and let me have the night shift - it was not easy because they are already amazing parents - but they relinquished and let me take the middle of the night/early morning shift.  The gift that that was to me I cannot describe.  Sitting and holding her and feeding her and just staring at her perfect little face I was transported back to when her daddy was born. It was the bliss I didn't necessarily get to experience when my babies were small.  I had too many other people I had to take into consideration. But those middle of the night feedings when it was just me and my kids when they were babies was a special kind of magic.

Being a Gigi is a second chance.  But more than that it is getting to see my son experience it for the first time.  Watching him feel all the feelings - watching

him grow into this new role.  Watching him excel at it, like he has done in every area of his life.  I can't help but think that somehow, he will remember when I kissed the boo boos and I protected him from anything and everything I could, that I still would if he would let me.  That I was and always will be there for him whenever he needs me.  Although we are separated by states and time zones, nothing will ever stop me from being there whenever he needs. And that little girl is so incredibly lucky to have him as her daddy. And I am so lucky to have him as my son.  This past week?  Was not just a day in the life...it was the beginning of a whole new one.

Look how much time it took to get right here, but God's timing is perfect

 
Today is the end of an era.  My baby got her driver's license. Now I need to buy a new car because this one is hers and it has been hers since 2021, she just couldn't drive it alone. Some might say well she's 21 what took so long.  And to those I say - zip it skippy!  You have no idea!  So I will tell you.  I will remind you that God's timing is perfect and everything happens exactly when it's meant to and not a moment sooner.  So here we go.

Anyone who has driven in that state of Florida can attest that they are the worst drivers around.  The I4 is the most dangerous highway in the country.  And they let kids get their licenses at 16 years old.  Um, no.  Not in my world.  My sons were both licensed in Arizona where I believe it was 16 also.  They did not get their licenses until I felt they were ready.  My daughter was no different.  My oldest and youngest were both very nervous behind the wheel.  My middle son was born to drive, there was no hesitation at all.  I never wanted to teach my children how to drive.  I am not a very good teacher of things I have been doing practically my whole life.  But there was no one else so I had to.  But my daughter - well I tried to get my son and daughter in law to teach her, but she was really so anxious and it didn't work.  So, I offered to get her driving lessons - nope - she was having none of that.  So....we waited.  I was praying for someone to come along and take this task off my hands, but no one was coming to rescue me.  Luckily, she was in no hurry to get her license so it never was a big issues.  When we moved from Florida to South Dakota something just clicked.  She got behind the wheel the first time here and it was like she had been driving her whole life.  There was no anxiety, there was no hesitation, she just did it.  Which leads me to the point of this blog....when it's time (God's time) nothing will stand in the way.  If you try to force things that are not in God's timing you will be met with obstacles and challenges and you will still get there if you're meant to - however it will be a tedious journey.

Surrendering everything to God's timing is second nature for me.  But I had a conversation with my dearfriend the other day about trusting God to provide when you've spent most of your life being the person who provided for everyone else is not easy.  I get that.  For them the issue was financial - worrying about how to pay for things when there is just not enough money coming in.  I spent most of my marriage telling my ex that God will provide and he would be furious with me, called me Pollyanna, Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm, several other not so nice things that I will not repeat.  It was then that I started to realize my faith wasn't something everyone had.  My daddy instilled so much faith in me and I didn't realize it then.  He was not big on the bible or religion and his lessons felt more like just life wisdom than instilling faith, but looking back I realize that my dad really was a man of God (how I miss that man every day!)  Side note, my daughter put on her ring with her Pop's dates on it alone today because she knew she needed just Pop to be with her while she drove the car he left her almost 4 years ago - he is the father every girl should have.    Back to God's timing.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they were saying that when you pray for something and it takes a really long time for God to answer, or maybe God just answers with a no - that is protection.  Last week an amazing event unfolded so magically that I just couldn't help but be in AWE of how God took a cancelled appointment and made it into this magical event that put me where I needed to be at just the right time and an encounter with people that were definitely meant to be in my life and it was just such a God moment that I am not going to write about, at some point I will do a video about it - and it led to another meeting the next day that was completely unrelated but God meshed them together.  Mind-blowing.  If you look back at your life to certain times when you were told no by God or redirected and now it all makes sense, it should remind you that God's timing is perfect and you are not late or behind you are exactly where you are meant to be.  Unless of course you are stubborn and don't listen and keep procrastinating - then....well then....God will forcibly move you or make life SO uncomfortable until you wind up where you are meant to.  Trust - total reliance upon spiritual timing.  And these days?  They are not just a day in the life.

Hush little baby don’t you cry, momma’s gonna love you all your life

I sent this to all three of my adult children today.  My oldest has been the only one to reply thus far. He made me cry and from the photo he sent me of himself moments later I think it made him cry

too.  He told me he never expected perfection from me - but he knows I expected it from myself pre Lu (my youngest).  He said he realized during those years that I would beat myself  up for not being perfect.  Wow.  Who says kids don’t know anything?  It is interesting that my change came after I moved out of NY to AZ and had my last child.  That time definitely ushered a change in me and I think it’s interesting that he picked up on that at only 9 years old.  It took me way longer to see that.  And I never realized that I was trying to be perfect, but apparently other people did.  I remember my in-laws accusing me of being the “perfect mother” when I knew damn well I was not.  But I strived to be I suppose.  Why wouldn’t I?  I had these three perfect humans that were entrusted to me to raise.  I didn’t want to screw it up - but I made tons of mistakes.  Some they tell me about now that I don’t even remember.  So, I have forgiven myself for being less than perfect.  I did the best I could at the time and I loved them completely with every fiber of my being, more than I thought was humanly possible.  I still do.  And I struggle daily with the fact that I can’t fix anything in their lives anymore.  As my daughter told me recently, Mom you have to stop trying to control things - we have to struggle on our own to grow.  Well I didn’t sign up for that!  She’s right I know.  Now I limit my attempts to make things better to praying feverishly for them day and night.  As my dad said to me more than once - give it to God, He’s up all night anyway.  I remember my mother telling me she worried about me and prayed all night about my marriage and my choices and I remember thinking - Why?  I am fine!  HA!  Sorry mom - I get it now.  Oh boy do I get it.

My son asked me this morning what I wanted for this next (last) phase of my life.  I told him - peace, love and joy.  I used to say happiness - but I want joy again.  I miss these conversations with him, they aren’t

always possible so when they are I embrace them.  But I do cry a LOT.  Over the weekend I was sitting outside and just being still and I realize how much peace I have living here.  I have experienced so many firsts and I find myself wishing I had raised my kids here.  But, I know God had other plans.  Every day I just feel so grateful to live here.  I tried my first walking taco this weekend, my first farmer’s market, so many firsts.  And every person I meet gives me hope that God is putting the right people on my path.  I pray that He is doing the same for my children-I know He is.  I don’t even know where I was going with this blog…oh yes healing!  I think I have been healing A LOT in dreams lately and life just continues to amaze me.

I have never dreamt a lot that I remember.  But lately I’ve been dreaming a ton and they’re vivid and detailed and I remember them when I wake up.  So, I have been going to my friendly CHATGPT to decipher them and wow. WOW!  It also gives me journal prompts to figure out what things I am still working on.  Well I’ll be darned if there is still a ton of stuff I need to work on.  (Maybe I do strive for perfection in myself-whoops!). My latest dreams have brought up how people just continuously do not follow through where I am concerned.  People make promises they don’t keep, offer things they do not intend to give and the best question was “What emotional responsibilities are you carrying that might not actually belong to me and what part of me wants to “Clean up” while others seem to be making a mess and really not caring.  Those were just a few of the outcomes of those dream analyses.  Well talk about feeling called out!  I thought I had let go of all that!  I have learned not to expect people to follow through, I have learned to expect to be disappointed therefore alleviating the disappointment.  But I guess the carrying other people’s emotional baggage is still something I need to clear. Say no more - working on it.

Recently God has been telling me to send things to people that I feel could help them or applies to them.  It is awkward, truth be told, to reach out to someone without knowing if my spiritual nudges are accurate.  The other day I sent a message to a friend and was told that my timing was impeccable and that they were just thinking about how much they needed me that morning.  Ok, well that went well.  I have been sending messages in the mail to people I don’t speak to often and I have gotten a lot of messages back that it was exactly what they needed at that moment in time.  Alrighty then, maybe I am onto something (who am I kidding, it’s all God and He does not make mistakes!). So…in this next stage of life, living in the most magical place maybe my goal will not be perfection.  Maybe, just maybe I will strive to just be unapologetically me and embrace the love that comes my way.  It’s time to open up my heart to new experiences and new connections and just be grateful for whatever life throws at me.  Because I am truly grateful for this day in the life.

Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands

 This morning my daughter took the wheel and I was forced to surrender control and so many things came together in that 15 mile drive.  We joked - Jesus take the wheel - and as we were driving I realized how much I am on autopilot when I drive and honestly in my life. She thanked me for being patient, but I did not feel patient.  My cousin texted Jesus take the wheel and I laughed at the repetitive message God was sending.  I believe in God's magic, His ability to change things in a moment - to perform miracles.  I have just lost hope that those will be to my benefit.

I began last week with some fated meetings at the airport and in the hotel lobby during my trip to Arizona to shower my future granddaughter with love and presents.  It reminded me how God has a plan and certain meetings and people are brought into your life in an instant.  I was full of hope and excitement about what these meetings could bring in the future. By the time this week ended I realized my intuition is broken and nothing that I really believed was going to happen is happening. But I was reminded to once again hand everything over to God and to give up my vision for my life and my children's lives for His vision.  Jesus take the wheel.

I realized that my heart has grown cold and I don't allow myself to feel the way I used to.  Until I saw

my son waiting at the gate for my arrival.  One look at his handsome face and the tears flowed.  My heart swelled and ached with missing him at the same time.  He has a life now that I am really not apart of and I was reminded of how my parents must have felt every time they stepped off a plane to me and my children who had grown since the last time they saw them.  It is really difficult to imagine that I was so oblivious to how they were feeling because I was consumed with how I was feeling.  I realized the next time I see him he will be a father and I will be coming to see my beautiful Granddaughter.  The thought of that makes me break down in tears and his entire life flashes before my eyes.  When he was born, kindergarten graduation, baseball games, first communion/confirmation, hospital visits, surgeries, high school graduation, leaving the airport after dropping him at college, moving away again and again, his wedding - how is that all behind us?  I had time alone with him and time with just him and his sister and I remembered how it used to be.  How is that time gone?  And normally I embrace each phase as it comes and as excited as I am to be a Gigi, I would give anything to go back in time and live my children's childhoods over again.  I have never felt that way before and thank God, because it is heartbreaking.

I have never lived with regret, and I still don't.  I don't regret anything except believing my intuition

about certain situations.  It was wrong so many times I am realizing.  I thought maybe my intuition was just behind divine timing playing out.  But I am realizing what I thought was intuition was just merely wishful thinking.  So now what?  Where do I go from here?  This week the term hobby was thrown around a bit.  What are your hobbies?  Hmmm.  Good question.  One I do not have an answer to.  Should I?  Do I need to develop hobbies?  It got me to thinking and I started asking people what are your hobbies?  I realize women have way less than men.  Men will say golf, fishing, running, hiking, gardening, insert a sport.  When I ask women they pause - and most don't have an answer.  Why?  I think it's because women as a whole focus more on relationships then on hobbies - maybe I am being sexist or some other non-politically correct thought.  But at the moment that is how I feel.  I have poured my entire life into relationships - partner, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and I have realized that no one treasures those relationships with me like I do with them.  I have spent the last several years focusing on myself and building my sense of self worth and pursuing what makes me happy.  But I am who I am and who I am is a woman who loves so fucking deeply and who will never receive that same love back no matter what the relationship.  And now?  I am okay with that.  It is who I am and I am done apologizing for it.  The difference is now I don't forget to love myself and accept myself for who I am, even if no one else does- I know what I bring to the table and I know that the people I choose to keep in my life and give that love to are lucky to have it.  And those who have lost that, well sucks to be you honestly because you'll never find that commitment, caring and love again.  My oldest son told me the other day I love mommy 2.0 - me too son; me too!

I realized my level of gratitude for the things God has provided has been lacking.  I have been in a place of sadness and disappointment for things that will never be and things that once were that are gone now.  It is time to count my blessings again and even if they don't look the way I hoped, I've been gifted another day in the life.

Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy

Two blogs in one week?  It's not possible!  However, the more things change the more they stay the same.  I feel like the weight of the world is crashing down on me this week and it's not a feeling I am used to anymore.  I have created a very peaceful, calm existence for myself and it has taken me years to cultivate.  There have been a lot of goodbyes, see ya later or never to get me to this point and I am okay with that.  There is peace in letting go of situations and relationships that just make you feel....well badly---or less than---or unimportant.  I always know when it's time to move on from a person or a situation.  When it is causing me more pain or sadness than anything else than it doesn't belong in my life anymore.  There are, however, certain things that I can't get away from no matter how hard I try.  I have gotten better at blocking out the affect these things have on me, however - just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy.  Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me or sometimes consume me.

There are the mornings like this when I wake up to text messages that make my heart drop and my stomach twist in knots.  Texts that used to cripple me and have me in a panic for days....weeks even.  But I have responsibilities that can't just be ignored and I have to show up and be "on".  It's funny, my daughter mentioned yesterday the first trip that we took solo that began the years of us being "travel buddies".  She mentioned how it was so fun.  I laughed and said "If you only knew what was going on in my head and my nerves were on the outside of my body" (we were going to Florida to take care of  my mom and take her to her radiation appointments) I was leaving my 15 year old son and my 19 year old son home alone in Arizona -  Seems like not such a big deal right?  Well it was - they did not get along and my 19 year old was not reliable.)  Add that to the fact that I knew my mother was dying.  No one else wanted to believe me, but I knew it in my soul.  It made me realize that I am pretty good at hiding my inner turmoil apparently.  I smiled through the whole week and no one would ever have known how truly overwhelmed and anxious I was inside.  I became really good at that because 5 years before that my middle son (at 10 years old) had cancer.  That's when I really mastered the art of smiling on the outside and crumbling on the inside.  

It seems like a great thing to be able to cope with things while smiling and not bringing the rest of the world down, but is it?  I am not so sure.  But it was necessary, as I had 3 children to protect and also I despise pity.  NEVER tell me you feel sorry for me because I will lose my shit.  So----I learned to wear the mask and it became quite comfortable.  It became my persona.  Only a very few select people got to see the disfigured human underneath that mask.  She was not a pretty sight.  I don't like her if I am being honest, she's weak.  No thank you. I don't do weak or pity - yuck - so unattractive.  For me!  In others I can sympathize, empathize, commiserate - I don't expect anyone to be like me.  I am not so sure it's healthy, honestly.  This week is showing me that.  This morning I  let it all out in a phone call and I allowed myself to be raw and vulnerable.  I admitted I have no clue how to feel or what to do or how I am going to get through it.  But I will.  I always do.  But it is really comforting to have someone who just gets it!  Who says - I put myself in your shoes and I feel sick to my stomach!  Yes!  THANK YOU!  That's exactly it.  And also - I don't know what to tell you because I have no idea what I would do!  Yes!  THANK YOU again!  I don't expect anyone to fix what's going on - it's not fixable.  But coupled with the fact that this week has shown me that I am always having to cave to other people's ways of doing things with no regard to how it affects ME - is just too much!  

I feel betrayed by some, I feel neglected and dismissed by others, I feel used and taken for granted by others still.  But what will I do?  I will carry on, put a smile on my face and do what needs to be done one day at a time.  And I will find ways to drizzle joy into those days because life is too short!  2025 is halfway over already!  So I will love the people who love me back, find a way to move on from situations that seem to hurt me no matter what I do to avoid it and I will adjust the mask when it's necessary and take it off when I feel safe.  At this moment, it is truly just a day in the life-

I wanna take a minute or two and give much respect due To the man that's made a difference in my world

 

Happy Birthday in Heaven Daddy!  He would have been 95 today. I miss him just as much today as I did when he passed.  But today I want to celebrate the man he was and the impact he had on my life and the lives of my children.  It is a big one.  And the more that time goes by and I realize similarities in people and situations, the more I realize that my dad was not an ordinary man.  Quite the opposite.  I believe he was a rare breed, one that I pray my daughter finds in her future spouse.  I know he was not perfect, and I am sure my mom had her issues with him as a husband, but the more I observe men and their similarities the more I realize my dad was not like most men.

My dad was a hardworking man.  He provided for us up until the day he passed if I am being honest.  However, unlike most men I come in contact with my dad was not defined by what he did for a living.  He worked to provide for his

family.  He worked long hours most days, but when he came home?  Work was left behind.  I remember a few funny dinnertime stories about a customer he had in the chair that day, or a sad story when one of his regulars passed away and he attended the funeral.  Other than that - his concern was inside the walls of our home.  He wanted to ensure that we were raised properly (often told a story from my grandpa saying when you plant a tree if the roots are strong even though the branches might grow crooked the roots stay firm).  I find his words come back to me so frequently and they hit me in different ways.  

My daughter and I were discussing the other day how men often talk a big game.  They have grand ideas and plans, yet they often don't follow through with what they say they will do.  I am quite the opposite.  If I say I am going to do something, I do it.  My kids will tell you that if mommy made a promise, they knew that I would stick to it.  If I said I was going to do something I did it -

where they knew their father would often spout off things in the moment and not follow through.  I often thought that was something that was singular to his personality, however when my daughter and I were discussing this we rattled off similarities of this theory and came to the conclusion it is very common with men.   I realized that my dad always did what he said he would do.  I also realized my middle son does as well.  If he says he is going to do something, he will do it.  I am extremely proud of him for that (along with a plethora of other things!!) He truly reminds me so much of my dad in so many ways and as he prepares to become a father, I know that my father will be guiding him, and his words will come to my son.  I believe he will be a kinder, gentler version of the father my dad was, and my granddaughter is so lucky to have him as a dad.

I could go on and on about stories about my dad and why he was just such a big part of shaping me as an adult.  As a child, it was definitely more my mother but as an adult?  Wow, my dad was just my rock, and he is why I will not settle for less than I deserve anymore.  He raised me to be strong - but he didn't want me to have to bear my burdens alone.  I know he wanted me to have someone to share the load with and I am sure he is working magic in heaven to show me that there are men that are like him.  Men that mean what they say

and say what they mean.  I ask him every day to provide that for my daughter.  I pray she will not have to have her heart broken the way mine has been.  I pray my father will deliver a man worthy of her - a man my daddy would approve of.  And I know my mom is whipping up a fresh strawberry shortcake today and my dad is shaking his gifts guessing what's in them.   Take today off Daddy - we will all be fine!  I am, after all, your daughter!  And today is a significant day in the life.

 

But if it's not love, that you need. Then I'll try my best to make everything succeed!

 Today is Mother's Day.  It's a day that I have never really completely embraced as a happy one.  For the last 10 years I have mourned my mother on this day.  I have felt broken and split in many pieces.  I also have not been fortunate enough to say that I get to talk to all 3 of my children every year.  But I am no longer looking back in life.  I don't live there anymore.  I am focusing on each day as it unfolds and finding the gratitude in that day.  Today?  Today was a good one!  I got to talk to all 3 of my blessings.  And I am realizing that maybe I didn't screw up too badly.  I know there are things that I could have, should have done differently, but I love those 3 people more than anything else in the world.  And next year, I will be promoted to Gigi.  That little girl is so loved, and she hasn't even arrived yet.  So, yes - today was a good day!  And I am so very grateful!  

I have never expected anything on Mother's Day.  I remember stressing every year about how to make Mother's Day perfect for my mom (my father was kinda a hardass about that) and I don't think we ever succeeded or met those expectations - I never wanted my children to feel that and that is why I do not allow myself to have them.  In fact, I really don't allow myself to have expectations for anything anymore.  So, when a day like today happens and I get that overwhelming sense of joy inside my heart that leak out of my eyes, I am even more grateful!  I have loved these humans since before they were born, and I saw something today that explains it so eloquently - Being a mother is like having your heart walk around outside your body in the outside world and praying that people and situations are kind to them.  It isn't always the case and that heartbreak weighs on me heavily.  But today, I am willing, will be the beginning of a year full of days like this.  Days where my heart is full and I feel gratitude and joy and I just know it is all going to be okay.

I have come to a place where I do not ask anyone to remain in my life.  If you don't want to be part of my life, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.  If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best (and the best is yet to come I feel that in my soul!)  I am not the same person I was last year or 6 months ago and you should not expect me to be.  When you stay stuck in the same place you aren't really living.  I have spent too long not really living and it is time to change that!  I am going to be a Gigi for goodness' sake; I need to be the best version of myself.  I want my grandchildren to remember me the way my children remember my mom - I want to have adventures and share my life with someone and for that to happen I need to live my best life, and I will.  For those who will remain along for the ride - let's go!  For those who don't? It was fun while it lasted.  But for me?  Every day will be the best day in a life!

So if this is the last night and you're feeling hollow I'll give you my half life so you'll see tomorrow

 I was planning to write a blog about manipulation. And how I’m very naive to it when I love someone.  But wait I need to start at the beginning. 

I’m not easily manipulated…I can usually smell bullshit from a mile away.  I am a pretty good judge of character and am not easily swayed or pressured into doing anything I don’t want to do (which took decades but that’s another story).  I was going to say that I’m not easily manipulated unless I love you.  Then? I’m like a doe eyed deer who has such faith in you that I can’t believe you would ever purposefully do anything to manipulate me.  Why? Because I love you (duh!) and I don’t give my love to just any random human.  Unless you share my dna- then you get a free pass and I love you because you’re my family.  That as well has changed over time.  I remember my daddy saying “I love (fill in the blank) because they’re my (fill in the blank) but I don’t like them.  Bam!   That stuck with me for sure.  However, putting it into practice and differentiating the two took a long time (I’m slow when it comes to matters of the heart).  

Now I have been manipulated by people I love many times.  My daughter will say “Ma you do what you think is best but I just don’t want you to be manipulated because you feel guilty”. How did she get so wise?  But when I looked at the actual definition of manipulation today (the action of influencing or controlling someone or something to your advantage, often without anyone knowing it) I realized that perhaps it’s NOT manipulation but an issue with the way I handle love.  It’s not necessarily that someone is manipulating me—-it’s that when I love someone I want to do everything in my power to make their lives better.  If they’re unhappy and I can do something to ease that—I want to!!!  Because I love them.  That’s not their fault it’s my issue-right?  They’re not asking me to love them this way-in fact maybe it’s irritating to them who knows.  

Some Wednesday wisdom huh?  I started out trying to advise people against being manipulated by people they love when in fact I just realized I’m not being manipulated—I just love too intensely.  So what do I do?  Stay tuned because that’s something I’m going to have to figure out—-it will be another day in the life. 

Easy like Sunday mourning...

 

This morning I woke up (if you can call it that - I was literally up every hour 19 minutes past the hour) and I felt unnerved.  It is Sunday - the most perfect day of the week for me - so literally What the fuck?  I slept in (I need to not do that, it is NOT good for me) and felt like I had lost my best friend.  I did my usual, grabbed my coffee and went to start my morning routine.  I started with my journal because lately after doing my gratitude, time with God and prayer journal I have nothing to say in my journal because I feel so good.  So today I started backwards.  And out it flowed.  Tomorrow marks the 10 year anniversary of losing my mom.  10 years - how?  It feels like yesterday, how have 10 years passed? It made me think of all that has happened since she left and then it all started flowing.  Losing her was so painful, but during that time the other part of my life ended and I believe that is what I am still grieving.  I hadn't thought about it before in that way.  My daughter and I always talk about the last decade being so painful and with so many changes and we firmly believe this next decade will be one of peace and happiness.  We have definitely earned it.  I think she has for sure.  When I look at life from her point of view the fact that she is as magical as she is shocks me.  But, you'll have to read her blog for that stuff - she is a gifted writer and not afraid to share her journey.  https://substack.com/@thechakrafairy

But this is about my grief and what I realized this morning I am grieving.  I am grieving my fairy tale, my happily ever after.  My dream of having that home with the welcoming front porch covered in grandchildren and my children close by.  Holidays and dinners with me in the kitchen with my loving husband as we exchange knowing glances as we watch the grandchildren play and our adult children playing a game at the table or simply watching something on TV and catching up on life and their views. This....this was my lifelong dream and it's one that I am realizing I need to let go of.  It's not in the cards for me - my first grandbaby is being born across the country this year, my oldest son is not in my life and that loving husband has never materialized.  And after writing in my gratitude journal about how grateful I am for the life I have I said I am always feeling like there should be more - and that other people have these grand dreams and plans and I don't.  I am quite content with my life and I KNOW how lucky and blessed I am - every single day.  I have things that a lot of people long for - I have faith, and peace and dare I say happiness these days.  But in order to fully embrace all the good in my life, I have to grieve what is left behind.  

As I wrote a letter to my mom this morning and I told her about all the things I have to be grateful for she reminded me of what I had lost on the way to this point.  That is where it all came out.  My dreams and goals from when I was a little girl were so very different than most people.  I achieved them, but they don't look the way I had hoped.  And that's okay - life rarely looks the way you thought it would, but that doesn't make if any less blessed.  It is also okay to mourn the life you thought you would have, just don't set up camp and stay there.  Because today is a beautiful day in the life.

It's Me - Hi - I'm the problem it's me.....or is it?

This week was full of dreams that I could not remember when I woke up, but I knew they were somehow significant.  My friend Jill tells me that your subconscious does a lot of healing while you sleep, and the dreams help you process emotions that might be too hard to process when you are awake.  I never really thought about dreams before because I never remembered having them until probably this past year or so.  Chat GPT is fantastic for interpreting your dreams when you remember them.  This week I couldn't.  Probably for the best. But it has left me wondering (as usual) what it is that I am doing wrong in my life.  There are people that I have loved completely and wholly, and they just are not in my life anymore.  I am taken for granted (I feel) by most people that I love completely.  Is it me?  Am I the problem?  I have wracked my brain for years to figure out why the people I love so completely have hurt me so deeply and tossed me aside like yesterday's trash. I am just not important enough for people to choose me. What am I doing wrong?  So, I've altered my personality as much as I can.  I do not allow people to have access to all of me anymore.  I have chosen to put myself first and avoid things that make me feel awful.  I am a firm believer that if you can't change something, you need to let it go.  I want to teach everyone this important fact.  If there is something in your life that you can change - DO IT!  What the hell are you waiting for?  Why live with something that keeps repeating itself if you have the power to change it?  Swallow your damn pride and ego and just DO IT!  I have.  Many, many times.  I have learned how to take accountability when I have done something wrong.  I have learned to apologize (something I could not do in my earlier decades).  I have learned to change the things that I can change, whether that be my address, my job, my circle of people, my weight, my diet, my routines - whatever the case may be.  But what about the things I can't?

So, I stay in my bubble.  I cannot force someone to choose me, to choose to have me in their life, to accept me for who I am.  I cannot force someone to include me - to include me in their life, in their heart. So, I do what I need to do to accept that.  To accept that sometimes the people that you love so deeply just don't care enough to love you back.  But if this happens repeatedly - am I the problem?  What am I doing that makes me so disposable to the people I love the most?  I asked my friend Jill that this morning and as ALWAYS, she says the perfect thing.  She builds me up in a way that a best friend does.  But that's just it, she's my best friend OF COURSE she wants me in her life every day, as I do with her.  And my daughter.  My beautiful, incredible daughter.  She is so fiercely protective of me she wants to destroy every person who makes me feel this way.  She repeats things I have told her in the past and how can I argue with my own advice?  Makes it a bit difficult.  So, I did what I normally do - I tried to do a brain dump.  Perhaps weepy music wasn't the best choice, because I am not sad today.... today I am angry.  I am fucking pissed off that I can't fix this.  I am a fixer, a problem solver - that is what I do!  My bosses tell me all the time - you are such a great problem solver because you think outside of the box.  Yea - this is true.  I do.  But this particular issue is something I can't seem to change, no matter what I try.  So, I do what I do - I walk away.  I stop caring.  I focus on myself.  And that usually works!  But this past week or so I have had these people brought into my thoughts and life in a way I have no control over.  So, I can't avoid the thoughts.  And where, in the past, I would cry and be sad for what I have lost, today?  I am pissed off.  I deserve better!  I deserve people who love me and want me in their life and appreciate all the love I have given.  And how dare they just cast me aside like I don't matter!  Well guess what?  It is their loss, and I know this!  Deep down in my core I do.  But I never want to be that person who doesn't take accountability for my part in any of it.  So, I go around in circles to figure out what I have done wrong to bring me to this point and how can I change it going forward?  How can I ensure that the new people finding their way into my life don't hurt me in the way that these loved ones have?  I have worked really hard to break down all the protective walls I built over the majority of my life so that I CAN love completely and allow people in.  Do I need to build them up again?  I think I do where these people are concerned, but do I need to do it going forward with new people?  I hope not.  I hope I can find the right people who will love me as completely as I love them.  People that appreciate me the way I appreciate them.  Cherish me the way I cherish them.  I am extremely careful of who I let into my inner circle, who I share my heart and soul with.  I guess I need to be a bit more careful in the future. 

 Because every day should be an important day in the life!

You never know what's gonna happen You make your plans and you hear God laughing

 

Today was a doozy.  I have started a morning routine that truly suits me well and I am getting into the groove of it.  Part of it is taking some time to just be quiet and journal what I hear God speaking to my heart.  It has been very eye opening to say the least and it's become one of the favorite parts of my day.  And then today --- God said be silent, be still.  Now I cannot write those words without thinking of Freddie Prinze Jr. in the movie "She's All That" but, I digress.  I giggled to myself and waited for the rest of God's wisdom to come through.  Nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.  Pen poised, I waited.  Nope.  That was it.  Alrighty, next on the to do list.  So I assumed (ahhh why, oh WHY do I ever do that? - I am 60 years old, have I not learned yet?  Apparently not.) that today would be quiet and nothing much would happen.  And then this afternoon I got two texts back to back and a phone call and 2 things that I have felt strongly were coming soon happened.  Bam.  In the span of 5 minutes God answered prayers.  Not in the way I thought it would happen.  Not the outcome that I completely hoped for - BUT it is what I've prayed for and I went from one moment of status quo to the next moment - really big changes!  As I waited for the phone call that one of the text promised I was making tuna fish and I suddenly felt such nervousness I knew there was no way I could eat.  My daughter asked "Are you nervous or are you excited???"  Hmmm good question - no clue how to tell the difference at this point, so I said "well, it has proved to me once again that God can change everything in an instant - good or bad"

I can look back on my life, and I often do, to how one moment changed everything at various times in my life.  Sometimes things build up to the big change, but most of the time it changes in one moment.   Meeting someone randomly and that person becomes someone so significant in my life.  I remember when I was 15 turning 16 I was working at a local Carvel and this group of boys that I used to hang out with came to visit me at work.  One of them was THE boy (at the time) - little did I know that the company snitch was sitting out in the parking lot watching me while I worked and she called the boss and they came in and fired me on the spot.  Did I think - oh my father is going to kill me! - no.  Did I think my friend who got me the job was going to be mad?  Ummm nope.  I walked back with the boys in the snow and after having dinner at THE boys house by the end of the night I had a boyfriend and I was over the moon!  Job?  What job?  I was turning 16 and he liked me back - ahhh to be 16 again.   So in a matter of mere moments I was unemployed and had a boyfriend.  Talk about major life changes!  Other changes are more gradual - one day you're in high school the next you graduate - but you have 4 years to get used to that change.  One day you're single, the next your married - but again - there is a build up to that.  One day you are not a parent and the next moment you are - but again - 9 months leading up to that change.

I am a planner - always have been.  I knew I wanted to be married for 5 years and have my kids 4 years apart.  1994 - 1998 and 2003 (she had to be delayed for insurance purposes 😉.) It was not until I got the nudge to move to Arizona that I realized - my plans are not necessarily God's plans.  For a control freak like I was this was not an easy realization.  But - I followed my faith and it has grown stronger every year.  Even through the unexpected turns that I never saw coming and certainly never asked for.  But when I look back I can see why things happened the way they did.  Today's changes certainly did not happen the way I thought they would, but it still changed life as I know it in 10 minutes time.  I looked up to thank God and I swear I saw my mom in the kitchen with a pot - stirring it, with a huge smile on her face.  (and now I am crying)  I know she has been working overtime up there to get me to where I am suppose to be.

I am very excited (not nervous - well maybe a little) to see what is next.  I know this year will be a life changing one in many ways and it is off to a really great start.  I am open to the changes and new people it will bring my way.  No matter what is coming next I know that God has my back and there is my very own blonde angel in the kitchen stirring the pot to make sure that my life is as sweet as the pudding she used to make me when I was a little girl.  Remember, it's not always just a day in the life!

Tick-tock on the clock, but the party don't stop

 

It's Sunday, glorious Sunday.  But half of the USA is freaking out about a TikTok ban.  It is making my stomach turn, honestly.  During our morning coffee conversation I had to tell my daughter I could not listen to another thing about Tik Tok and we needed to change the subject.  Yes, I am a bit cranky - I am turning 60 this week, doesn't that come with the territory?  No?  Just some discounts and my body having a few extra creeks?  Ok.  Well then I'm just cranky today.

BUT - this whole insanity revolving around a stupid social media app got my brain going.  I do have a tik tok account, I must be clear - during 2020 shut down it entertained me.  Yes, I have been known to purchase a thing or two off of the Tik Tok shop - guilty.  But I can assure you my life will go on with or without it.  I never realized how much money people made on this app until everyone thought it was going away.  I am not going to lie it pissed me off and terrified me at the same time.  Are we watching a generation grow up without the ability to have a "real job?"  Don't get me wrong - I applaud them for finding a way to avoid the typical 9-5 - I think that's admirable.  I am all for spending your free time doing things you love and with the people you love instead of glued to a desk or a computer or your phone.  However, they are making a living without any real skills to carry them in their later years or if (gasp!) the app gets banned.  AND they are relying on the rest of the world being glued to their damn phones while they take a break from their 9-5 or they relax to recharge after a long week.  Jeez, in a minute I am going to be screaming "Get off my lawn!" I sound so cynical and old.  But I am not.  I am realizing that things need to change in my life as well.  And I have faith that President Trump will not allow the app to be banned (because we live in a free country after all - ask any soldier who has served what the price for that is!) but it almost makes me sad.  I wish it was being banned, but I don't think it will change anything until people are ready to change.

Life is meant to be lived.  Have I mentioned I am turning 60?  I have?  See the mind goes as you get older 😏.  Seriously though - life is short.  Way too short.  And how much of it are we wasting waiting for the next best thing?  Waiting for the weekend, for a holiday, for vacation blah blah blah.  I made a point years ago to not wait for anything.  To live my life to the fullest every day.  Now - my needs are simple.  I don't have a huge bucket list to check off.  I don't need to accomplish a certain thing before xyz happens.  My goals?  To be happy and healthy and find the joy in every single day.  And it works.  I am telling you.  It works!  Am I happy all day every day? Umm no, I just said I was cranky today - are you paying attention? 😎.  However, I have peace in my soul and joy in my heart every day.  Why?  Because I don't have regrets.  If there is something I need to say to someone - I say it.  When I miss someone - I tell them.  When I love someone I show it.  I don't care if it is reciprocated, I don't care if I look pathetic or needy - that's more on the other person no?  I am being genuine.  So I don't have any huge heavy things hanging over me.  Like wow I wish I had..... nope been there done that.  It is very freeing and healthy.   Try it!

Another key to happiness is FAITH.  Yes, faith.  That is the cornerstone to my life.  I never realized how much my dad taught me about faith without even realizing it.  He used to say - "whatever will be will be, if you can't change it why worry? " And another one - "God says are you going to worry about it?  Because if you will then I won't". and my FAVORITE "God has it - it will be okay" Growing up I never realized how potent those statements were.  Wow, I still can't type about my dad without tears - damn it.  I thought they were just cliches.  But I realize now how they weren't - they were life lessons and proof of how to live your life.  When I hear my son and daughter discuss their faith and how they turn to God consistently it makes me feel like my life was well lived.  I did my job with those two.  They are incredible human beings and if I had even a little something to do with shaping them into that than my life was a success.  Now, I want so badly to instill that in every person I come across.  My friend told me yesterday "I know if I want someone to just pacify me, you are not the one to go to."  Yup.  That's right.  I won't allow someone to stay in a pity party - please don't invite me.  Am I compassionate?  To a Fault.  Do I have sympathy for other people?  So very much.  Will I allow you to set up camp in a place where you are obsessing over something instead of giving it to God and having faith?  Yea, no sorry.

When people tell me how shocked they are that I have moved to 3 different states without really every being there and ask me if I was scared.  I answer honestly - no.  Why?  Because I listened to my inner GPS (God is loud when you listen!) And I know that any situation I face, He has been there before me and will stand with me through it all.  What do I have to fear?  Ask yourself that!  What is the worst thing that will happen if you follow that guidance?  Tell someone how you feel?  Find a different career path?  Newsflash - whatever is meant to be will happen - Destiny/Fate it's all mapped out already.  The difference is - the longer you drag your heels or fear an outcome the harder life will be.  You will have the same outcome eventually, but with a lot more pain, bumps and bruises.

So, this very long rant is basically just to encourage you to find something every day that brings you joy - and try to make it not involve your phone and scrolling aimlessly watching other people live theirs.  Because at the end of the day - it's a very important day in the life!