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Friday, April 8, 2016

Right back where we started from.....

It's been a little over a year since my mom passed away.  It's been a really difficult year to say the least.  My dad has suffered tremendously emotionally and it's difficult to watch. He's a shell of who he was.  Then he began having medical issues.  Last July my daughter and I flew there to take care of him during his eye surgery, my sister met us there and we finished cleaning out my mom's things.  As soon as my sister left and my dad was alone he began getting sick.  We didn't realize the extent of the illness until December.  My brother and sister in law and niece were with him in October then he came to me in November.  He was totally not himself.  We chalked it up to broken heart syndrome, but then in December we had a huge scare. My dad was admitted to the hospital with septic shock and apparently suffered a heart attack.  Luckily it was in NY and we were all together.  He went home to Florida finally in February and began having different medical issues.  He was admitted to the Hospital in Florida again in March and we found out he had/has colon cancer.  The c word AGAIN.  I almost can't breathe while typing this because it just keeps flooding back.  My brother went down, my niece went down, my sister went down and now I'm getting there on Tuesday.  He has to have eye surgery again and a slew of doctor's appointments to follow up with.  My sister did a bunch this week and there are still a lot next week. It's like deja vu.....the thought of stepping into the oncologist's office next week literally leaves me in a state of panic.  I feel physically sick and scared and just panicked. When I went through cancer with my son I was too busy being in the proactive, protecting, sheltering mode.  With my mom I felt experienced, I knew what to ask, I understood the situation.  My dad has already said he will refuse treatment.  How do I deal with that?  I can't blame him after watching my mom suffer the way she did.  We are all very grateful that my parents were so healthy for most of their lives.  My daddy will be 86 in June, God bless him.  At this point in time the best we can do for him is love him and care for him and respect his wishes and enjoy every moment we can with him.  The funny thing is my kids and I will be moving to Florida this summer, something my parents always wanted.  Better late than never, I suppose.   

It just all feels too familiar.  Too real.  Too soon!  We have not even been able to catch our breath and here we are again.  I know tomorrow isn't guaranteed, I get it.  I do practice what I preach, but c'mon. There is so much change going on sometimes it's hard to keep up.  It's times like this that I have no patience for people's belly aching...(that's what my mom used to call it when people whined and complained).  I get it, life can be tough, shit happens, but for the love of God there are people with REAL stuff going on.  Even with everything I've described I know there are people suffering way more than what's going on in my world.  That's why I always count the blessings and they always far outweigh the sorrows.  I'm blessed in SO many ways.  And when I start to get that overwhelming feeling of sadness or loss I remind myself of that.  

I had a conversation with my youngest son last week about being happy in the moment.  I think I'm getting through to him.  I wasted so many moments thinking about the next, if I can help anyone change that way of thinking I want to.  Every day for the last almost 5 months I have had a heart full of happiness and joy and love.  Even with all the awful things I just described to you I am happy every day.  Sometimes, I almost feel guilty being THIS happy with all the crap that's going on around me. But then I realize I've waited 51 years to be this happy and I am not going to waste a single second of it.  I'm going to live every moment of this crazy life to the fullest and find the blessings and joy in every day.   The man responsible for this joy in my life told me one day during all of this that "it's just a bad day, not a bad life".....so true.    The difference between this year and last year is him.  Having someone by your side who loves you unconditionally and supports you not matter what is the greatest gift I've ever received.  And with him by my side I will face this next chapter in life and continue to find the blessings in every moment.  Because when all is said and done.....it's just a day in the life.......
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