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Saturday, April 30, 2016

Every beginning is another beginning's end.....

It's been a rough week yet an amazing week.  This post will most likely be filled with a lot of contradictions.  I'm just warning you.  My feelings have been contradicting themselves all week.  I've been crying from joy and from sorrow.  I've been on top of the world one minute and feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest the next.  My life is just in that kinda place right now.  So many changes.  All good things.  But every new beginning means there's an ending to something somewhere.

Yesterday my youngest son played his last baseball game as a High School student.  He is one of two seniors on the team.  The other player isn't playing college ball, so technically that might have been his last game.  He was crying on the bus.  That broke my heart! My son realizes that could have been him had he not worked so hard to realize his dream.  It was still the end of an era for him.  I don't think he knew what to feel, honestly.  Plus, Senior Prom is today so he doesn't have time to dwell on it.  Neither did I .  I was sitting listening to music last night and Pandora was pulling out my heart.  The songs were all reminding me of the fact that my baby boy was leaving me.  I was sitting and the tears were streaming down my face, silently.  I just couldn't make myself stop.  He came home from his game and I held onto him so tightly.  It's starting to hit me.  Mostly because it's hitting him so hard he's making me stop and face it.

This morning I was folding laundry and his baseball jersey, slider shorts, socks and pants came out of the dryer.  I lost my mind.  I just began to have this overwhelming feeling of sadness as I folded his pants.  I realized....this is most likely the last time I will do that.  Next year someone else will be doing that for him.  I was reminded of the nights I was up until 1 am waiting for the washing machine to stop so that I could throw his "lucky pants" in the dryer to leave the house at 5 am for a game after getting home at 11 pm from a double header.  I was reminded of driving to the field and watching the sunrise and spending the day going from blankets and jackets to tank tops and shorts and then back to the blankets and jackets as the games ranged from early morning to evening.  I knew I would miss those days, but it never occurred to me that I'd be washing his uniform for the last time.  Wow.

I am a positive person.  I focus on the good in every situation.  I don't allow myself to dwell on the negative.  My life is changing drastically in the next 3-4 months.  I've been excited about the changes, thinking about all the good things to come and the new experiences that are coming.  I haven't allowed myself to think about the endings that need to come before the new beginnings.  Saying goodbye to the handful of good friends I've made here--realizing my coffee and lunch and movie and late night dinner dates will be ending.  I got a haircut yesterday and realized that I'm going to have to say goodbye to her and her amazing I need to find someone I trust with my hair.  I texted my mechanic to ask him to check my boys cars before we move---he responded with a sad face and said "you can't move!" I need to find someone I trust as much as him with our cars.  I had lunch with my friend Jen this more 6 hour lunches where we laugh until we cry and solve the world's problems while eating salads.  No more of her taking one look at me and knowing EXACTLY what the hell I'm thinking. I'm having coffee with my friend Val this more of her positive energy and our discussions about everything under the sun. The sadness overtook me.  I'm going to miss all of this.

Then last night I had a phone conversation with my friend Laura who lives about 30 minutes from where I'm moving....positive stuff.  Lunch dates will still happen, they will be different but still awesome.  Then my oldest son came and hung out in my room with me while I was winding down and trying to go to sleep.  We discussed all the good things that we have coming.  How many exciting new beginnings are on their way.  It reminded me that not too long ago I was sobbing about him leaving me.....yet here we are, closer than ever.  It's a different relationship, he's an adult now at 22, but in some ways (a lot of ways) it's better than the mom/child relationship.  We discuss things on a whole other level and we laugh at the same twisted jokes.

So, as I mourn the last _______ fill in the blank that I'm experiencing now, I look forward to the first _______ fill in the blank that's coming.  It's all part of the plan, all part of progress....and it's all a day in the life.....
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