Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride....

I've had enough change.  I'm ready for some stability.  After deciding to stay in Florida and coming to terms with the fact that my creme filling son will be 10 hours away, an opportunity for him to stay here in Florida came up.  I truly had to ask God what in the world was He doing to us?  Why all the pain?  Why all the confusion and changes in direction?  It makes me doubt everything I thought I knew.  I truly don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, never mind the future that I thought was so clear.  I was free falling and grasping for some form of certainty.

I went with my son the other day to order the Tuxedos for his wedding. Even the list of who is getting fitted for tuxedos was uncertain.  I was really trying to hold it together and be strong....for him.  Because I know he's struggling with leaving his sister and me.  Between us, it's killing me too but I can't let him see that.  He needs to know I support him and I'm going to be okay.  But then he feels like he's the only one who is struggling and I don't want him thinking that.  So....I'm walking a tightrope.  I'm confident in my decision to stay in Florida.  I'm enjoying my new job and I'm excited about the new opportunities.  But the thought of packing up that truck and driving up to North Carolina makes me physically sick.  Like weak in the knees sick.  I know it's what is best for them...I think it's best for them.  I pray it's best for them.  But then this chance for promotion here comes up for him and I'm thinking WTF?  Maybe it's not!  So I try to stay out of it.  But there is the uncertainty again...are they staying are they going....I had just gotten my head and heart around them leaving.  They've decided today to definitely go and continue with their plan.  When my son comes to hug me now we hold on a little tighter and a little longer and we fight back the tears.  Last night he said to me "You can come!"  I said "You can stay!"  and he said that wasn't the deal and I surrender..."You're right" I said...".I'm sorry I broke the deal."  If I'm being honest, I know this is necessary.  But 10 hours?  Ok, ok...it's ok.  But he's struggling and feeling lost and it's killing me.  Neither one of us saw this coming.  We never thought we'd live so far away from each other.  So many things we never thought would be at this time in life.  And hearing everyone say that we're too close and we need to cut the cord was pissing us off, honestly.  No one knows what we've been through together.  No one knows how we get each other.  And truth be told we HAVE cut the cord.  These last few months we  haven't shared all the details of our lives like we used to.  We were both preparing for this next phase.  Of course we thought the next phase was him moving out and getting married. But jeez, 10 hours?  Really?  Alright then.....we'll make it work.  I'm getting used to the people I love most not being part of my daily life. I'm not sure why I have to but it's what's been dealt.

Tomorrow my daughter graduates middle school.  I feel badly for her because it seems that everything big that happens in her life is overshadowed by some other situation.  I'm determined to make this her day....it's just one more change and new normal to get used to.  And as I look forward to this unknown future and try to stay grounded in the present moment I remind myself it's just a day in the life.....

Happy Mothers Day

Everyone tries to prepare you for the sleepless nights,  endless diaper changes,  the terrible twos and all that becoming a mother entails.   No one prepares you for the time when they grow up and you're no longer under the same roof.   You know why?  Because if they did... if you knew the heart wrenching agony you'd feel at that time?  The human race would cease to exist.   You wouldn't sign up for it. Or maybe it is just me. 

In my mind, all these years I thought of my kids and I as a unit.   As one entity.   Our family. I remember when my oldest was getting ready to leave for college it occurred to me that my role was changing from that of a key player to supporting role in his life.   I was ok with that.   What made me physically sick was the thought of not seeing him every day and him never living under the same roof again.   It used to wake me up out of a sound sleep and make me cry at the drop of a hat. What worried me was that I knew my oldest wasn't one to text often, let alone call, but I knew this had to happen.  He needed to go and be independent.   Fast forward two years and he was back living with me and my amnesia returned about the fact that we all wouldn't be living together forever returned.   Fast forward 3 years and the realization hit me again.   I would sob when I'd go into his room.   A thought of him could bring me to my knees.   But things were not rosy with him before he left and a new normal ensued.   Funny how life does that.

Well my creme filling son is getting married.   So I was preparing for him to move out.  This time is harder.   We are ridiculously close.  He and his sister are Buddies.  When he left for college nearly two years ago I cried in pain at the thought of not seeing his face every day.... But he is a communicator.   Facetime... calls... texts... every day.   It made it bearable.   But this time he's getting married,  To an amazing young woman I might add.  It's different.   So as you read in my last blog we were all moving to North Carolina this summer.   So we would be living in different houses but close enough to have weekly dinners.   They went up there... signed their lease and returned excited and happy.   I kept getting this feeling that I wasn't going with them.   It was weird, but I had gotten an offer from My boss for a new position but I had no intention of taking it.   Well.... he made me an offer I was really struggling to refuse.

My daughter was away on a school trip...a first for her being away from me.   My relationship with her is so different then that of my sons.  I did realize that we are all codependent on each other.   We are each other's best friends.  We live in this happy solitude of comfort in knowing we support and love each other and GET each other.   It's a happy place.   My son's future wife who I will refer to as my bonus daughter has slipped right into the pack and finds comfort there as well. 

So, I decided to take a solo trip up to NC on a whim before I made my decision.   I have never taken a trip alone before and I felt like it was a stepping stone to this new world of solitude I was being thrown into. I realized so much on that 10 hour car ride.  So much about myself,  my relationship with my children,  my future, each one of my kids individually,  my past,  what I wanted in life,  what I needed in life and what I couldn't avoid facing anymore. My entire life has been dedicated to being a mom.   That was my chosen career.   But no one warned me about the phase out period when your job becomes obsolete.  You never truly retire but you become someone called in for special projects from time to time. And if you've done your job well and if you're really really lucky you get to sit back and watch the company that you've built flourish and thrive and know that you were there at the foundation of it.  Hell you ARE the foundation of

I've decided to remain in Florida....so I not only won't be living in the same home I'll be 10 hours away by car from my creme filling son.   My oldest is in California at the moment but he's thinking about returning to Arizona.  I had a conversation with him yesterday about how devastated I am that The Fab Four is no longer. And he said it's okay woman we can have Fab Four Kick-Ass vacations and reunions. And that's the next phase I suppose.   When I told my son and future daughter-in-law that I've made my decision they looked so sad. I told them that they would be fine better than fine. That this was necessary for their next stage of life as well. I told them that that first night in their new place was going to be the most incredible feeling and even though they would have mixed emotions they're starting their life together and it's all beginning for them! Every beginning is another beginnings end.   And my oldest son said to me yesterday painful endings are the way to happy beginnings.  He's pretty smart that boy.... man.... and for me? It's just a day in the life. ..

Happy Mother's Day!

If that's moving up than I'm.....moving out

Here we go again.  Another semi big move.  I didn't see it coming.  Just like the others.  Arizona?  One snowy Saturday afternoon in February--- we have to get out of here. 10 months later truck was loaded. Florida?  A day at the beach in July...the feeling hits me, I think I'm supposed to live here. 12 months later, truck was loaded.  This time?  Another day in February....it landed on our hearts....this is not where we belong--a month later we decided-North Carolina it is!  Truck will be loaded  in June.  And that brings me to today.  Moving is like giving birth.  You develop blissful amnesia about what it actually takes to get from point a to point b.  Heads together over the kitchen table and laptops today, notes made, phone calls done, trucks booked.  I have the sense of fear and dread in my gut.  I know that God will work out the details and logistics but I look around at what I thought was my simplistic, bare minimal living and I realize....we STILL have a LOT of stuff.  I'm almost paralyzed with fear.  I'm tired.  I'm really really tired.  More worn out than tired.  But, ain't nobody got time for that.

I look around at the empty walls.  I'm brought back to the first day I walked into this home and all the hopes and dreams that surrounded that move.  I truly thought life was just beginning.  That this was not my forever home by any means but I truly felt that good things and blessings would fill this home.  At this moment, I look around and I'm filled with sadness.  Sadness about the broken dreams that came here to die.  The firsts and lasts that occurred within the confines of these walls.  I'm gripped with grief and pain and I'm in tears within a split second.  Normally I don't have attachment to homes. When I moved out of the first house we owned, the house that I brought 2 of my 3 babies home to, left the state I lived for the first nearly 40 years of my life I barely blinked.  Even the home in Arizona that we had built and I picked every color and fixture in and had brand new everything---I walked out of that house and never looked back.  It was just a building.  The most important memories of that home came with me....literally---my 3 children.  We were starting a new chapter.  The fab four was born. The next home was the first one that I managed alone.  Every decision in that house was mine and mine alone.  I loved it.  Every single moment of that, it was something that needed to happen for my personal growth.  My individual soul purpose.  And when we decided to move to Florida we were all very excited and filled with hope and dreams of a better future.  What happened?  This house is giving me more mixed emotions than I've ever experienced when leaving a dwelling.  This is the last home that I will have lived in with all of my children.  I can't even type that without the tears flowing.  Wow.  I hate this house for that reason.  The fab four ended in this house.  It had to happen, it's part of life, but it hurts way too much to ignore it.  I'm ready for the next chapter.  I am. But I'm still extremely emotional. Having adult children is certainly different and sometimes painful, but it is also a whole new dynamic and relationship that we get to develop.  I was not happy here in Florida, truth be told.  I never felt at home.  I didn't learn the roads and relied instead on the GPS 2 years later.  I did not make one friend.  Not one.  I had dreams of future things happening here and that's what kept me going.  When I realized time was running out before my baby girl was starting high school I was forced to make some serious decisions.  I was determined to be settled somewhere before she started.  So...after weighing my options I decided to move.  And as soon as I made that decision I felt like a weight was lifted off of me.  It was time.

So, here we are.  The living room is full of boxes.  The cabinets are mostly emptied.  The 1st of 2 moving trucks are booked.  The knot in my stomach that will stay there until we are finally moved in is in place.  Now what?  I pull up my big girl panties and I move forward like I always do.  But it's getting old to be honest.  I'm ready for the good stuff.  And don't get me wrong, I am very very blessed.  There were many amazing firsts in this home.  Ones that I will hold in my heart for the rest of my days.  There was a lot of laughter and love along the way. And that is what I'm trying to focus on.  And looking forward to the good things the move brings.  And keeping my heart in the present moment....because after all....it's just a day in the life.