You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile.....

 

Once upon a time I could sleep through anything.... on a picket fence (as my mother would say) .... then I got pregnant....and I didn't sleep through the night for decades.  I can't remember when the days of not sleeping all night came back, but at this point I truly can't remember when I didn't wake up at least once.  I assumed it was normal - it came with age, right?  Maybe not.  The new fun thing is that I have trouble falling asleep - this is something that is just unlike me ever.  I used to fall asleep as soon as I sat down!  I thought as I got older, I would be more tired, not less.  Then when I had my eye surgery, I realized that my nighttime routine was completed changed and that taking out my contacts used to make my eyes instantly tired - so I started a new bedtime routine with lavender and new body lotion and it's a whole thing.  

Ok, problem solved but the waking up in the middle of the night is truly pissing me off!  Lately I wake up either 2 am or 4 am in this state of panic and fear and despair.  Who am I?  That is so not my normal waking personality. 

 I am finally falling back to sleep around 2 hours later after either crying or watching a comfort show or journaling or sometimes all three.  I used to attribute it to the moon or whatever wacky energy was going around but I can't just keep blaming it on outside forces.  Obviously, there is something going on with me or maybe I have inherited my mother's sleep issues.  Really ma?  I was quite happy with my father's sleep habits thank you very much.  Is it age?  Is it something I need to heal during my waking hours?  Honestly, I am sick and tired of healing.  For someone who has been pretty happy most of my life it seems really cruel to hit me with this shit at 61 years old.  I think I am just homesick for a life that

doesn't exist anymore.  A life where I knew my importance to the people I love.  A life where I knew what was expected of me every day.  A life where my parents were a phone call away whenever I needed them.  A life that didn't involve putting myself out there with strangers who want to know things about me that I can't even answer.  "So, Tina, what gets your heart racing?"  Ummm, I dunno walking up a flight of stairs?  I have spent my life avoiding superficial conversations and now I just want to talk about the price of gas and cool places to visit on the weekends or what coffee I tried this week.  If only I could be comfortable accepting this is the next stage of life., but how do I know?  I have never been "normal" so maybe I am now fitting in.  I feel like my answer to everything is "I have no idea".  

The other morning my daughter had a minor emergency, and I actually froze a bit.  I admitted to her; I am not sure what my place is or what you need from me anymore.  She and I are very different in one specific way - when I am feeling the way she did the other morning, I do not want anyone touching me, so my first instinct was to avoid physical contact.  But instead, I asked - I'm not sure if you want a hug or not - and she did. I struggle with not knowing when I am overstepping - but I do trust her to tell me when and if that time comes.  I have been broken hearted too many times by people who claimed to love me but discarded me like yesterday's trash without any explanation and it has left me like a deer in the headlights with every relationship in my life.  She's witnessed it and I know she will be honest with me and give me the opportunity to change something if it is necessary.

So, as I venture off to figure out this next stage of life, opening myself up to new people and new situations, hopefully I can take parts of the old me and merge them with the me I am becoming. Who knows - maybe she will have better luck than I have in the past.  Stay tuned for the next day in the life.