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Sunday, October 30, 2016

Alone again....naturally

During this time of such huge change I've felt very alone.  Which is so bizarre because in the last week while Florida was being hit with such extreme weather my phone was blowing up with people checking up on me.  I think the alone feeling comes from me dealing with every emotional situation and daily activities on my own for so long.  And lets face it, at the end of the day I'm the one who has to lay my head on the pillow, alone, and the things that I think and feel are in my head and heart and only I truly understand those things.

Last night I couldn't sleep, I turned on my light at 2:00 am and almost instantly there was a knock on my door.  My oldest wanted to make sure I was ok.  He was insistent when I told him I didn't want to talk about it.  Why can't I just BE?  I finally had to get nasty and tell him to leave.  Having an adult child living in the house is difficult.  He seems to forget that we are NOT equals.  Yes, I respect him as an adult and allow him to make his own decisions (even though they aren't decisions I would make) and I don't interfere for the most part in his life.  He comes and goes as he pleases and I'm here if he needs me.  I've mentioned before that he and I have had a rocky road the past 4 years and truth be told I am not sure if I will ever get over that completely.  I forgive, but I can't forget.  And once I put a guard up around my heart it's insanely difficult to take down.  He told me once that I share too much with my now?  I share very little with him.  Practically nothing actually.  It's none of his business, what I do with my life.  Unlike my younger son, my oldest is headstrong and refuses to see anyone else's opinion easily.  So why would I open up to that? It's sad to me because we were so close for so many years and now?  I have no desire to share any part of my life with him.  I divorced his father I certainly don't need to have my son telling me what to do.  Those days are over.  It's a constant balancing act between my children.  My son's are adults now and although I have never and WILL never play favorites with them, I also feel that as adults I WILL make my relationship with them based upon the way they treat me and relate to me.  I know they think there are favorites and that's on them, quite honestly.  As a mother, I will be there for them whenever they need me.  As a person?  I will base my relationship with them on the relationship they have with me.  I am an open book with my younger son.  He is an open book with me.  We think the same, we react the same.  I trust him not to break our trust.  I'm trying to build my relationship with my daughter as she is entering those difficult teen years.  It's a whole different ball game with her.  For one, the boys aren't part of the equation most of the time so there isn't that conflict.  Secondly, she's a girl.  I can relate to her in different ways than I did with her brothers.  I'm trying to help her with the things I struggled with growing up to hopefully help her to avoid that.  She's an incredible young lady and I just hope I can do right by her.  She's so different than I was and am.  She keeps everything close to her chest, she doesn't share her emotions freely.  I'm an open book, always have been, sometimes to a fault.  She's so graceful and almost elegant at times, while my mother used to call me a "bull in a china shop".  I worry sometimes that she and I won't be as close as I want us to be. She's said recently that she feels she can never measure up to my youngest son.  I just wish she'd understand that she doesn't have to.  My relationship with each of them is unique and special in it's own way!

In my life actions speak louder than words.  I have difficulty trusting people's words when their actions just don't match up.  I've been burned my entire life by being sucked in by empty promises and people telling me what I wanted to hear.  I'm trying to be more open and not be so suspicious of people's motives, but it's difficult.  I wish I could open up to my son again the way I used to but I don't trust him not to hurt me again.  He has used the phrase "I'm paying for the sins of my father" but what he doesn't realize is that his actions have made me cautious, it has nothing to do with how alike or different he is from his father.  I base my actions on individuals not as groups.  I don't do blanket assessments, like "men are pigs" "women are bitches", I am a case by case basis kind of person.

I had saved this entry as a draft.  I guess it was a bit too intense for me to finish at the time.  Today, as I reread it my oldest and I have come to a new crossroads.  He's told me so many times in the past two weeks that he's grateful for me, and for how I've always been there for him.  He's out in the world more and different from his college experience he's meeting almost 30 somethings that haven't been blessed with family like he has.  He's old enough to realize that now.  We are slowly rebuilding what will be our relationship going forward.  But we are definitely on the right track.

My younger son was home for 2 weeks recently from college due to the Hurricane.  I realized yet again how much I rely on his friendship.  He brought me back to a happy place just by being home.  He has made some serious life decisions in the past month and he shocks me with his maturity and focus on the future.  He has changed his entire plan for his future and he seems more settled than he has been in a long time.

My daughter did my make up and organized my make up for me today.  We're spending the day doing "girl things" and I think we're going to be okay.

So in the blink of an eye it can all's just a day in the life.
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