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Thursday, October 6, 2016

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.....

Well once again I'm going to be all over the place.  I've written this in my head about 50 times.  Every time it goes in a different direction.  So, here goes.

Hurricane Matthew is brewing.  Everyone and their mother is freaking out.  I am calm.  I am me.  I am looking at the good stuff, the fact that my daughter has no school.  I'm stuck in the house with my kids and nothing pressing is calling my name.  Some may call me delusional, I consider myself a woman of great faith.  Last week I took my daughter to church.  I haven't been in a long time and it was a magical experience.  The priest spoke about having faith "the size of a mustard seed" and the magical things that result from that.  My faith is so much bigger than that.  Does that mean I don't believe anything bad will ever happen to me?  Of course not, I'm not stupid enough to believe that, and hellooooooo my son had cancer at the age of 10!  My mother died of the same disease....I've had my share of trials in life.  However, I DO believe that nothing will ever happen to me that God and I together cannot handle.

 I have removed myself so much from any negativity in my life that this whole storm nightmare is making me physically sick.  I have a knot in my stomach and I'm jittery and anxious.  Not because of fear but because everyone I know is FREAKING out!  All across the country I have people contacting me, checking on me. It is very very sweet that everyone is thinking about me.  The problem lies in the alarmist mentality that everyone is spreading.  It is upsetting my spiritual balance.  I'm on the phone, answering texts and emails and messages and the more power I'm giving to these thoughts the more it's affecting me.  I need to remove myself from it all.  I went into meditation for an hour today to remove all the negativity.
I don't miss Arizona, however I DO miss the sunshine EVERY day and the fact that all this weather trauma was a distant memory for 12 years.  12 blissful years.  I've thought a lot lately about why the hell I moved to Florida.  But then my daughter gets in the car after school and says "I'm so happy we moved here and I LOVE the rain!"  My oldest son is enjoying his life more than he has in the longest time.  My middle son told me today "I DO love this weather mom".  Ok, maybe I'm the weirdo.  I miss never having to have a conversation with ANYONE about anything but how damn hot it was in AZ.  I miss my friends.  I miss knowing where EVERYTHING is and where to find information.  I miss feeling settled and a part of something.  Then all this hurricane hullabaloo and I'm ready to pack my ass up and run!

Then I think about all the good things about living here.  Someday I'll be able to go to the beach whenever I want (as soon as it stops RAINING!).  I'm closer to my family and I've seen more of them since I've been here than I have in 12 years in AZ.  I'm close to my daddy (but that also means shopping at Publix and being reduced to tears every time because I think of shopping with my mommy for the last 30 years)....I like not feeling like a freak of nature because I'm a New Yorker.  People are friendlier here for sure!  The restaurants are incredible.  We are now season pass holders for the Happiest Place on Earth and that means I can take my daughter there all the time.....lets discuss that shall we?

Last night I took her there for the first time in her life.  We had so much fun even though it rained (shocker) and it was packed and sooooo hot and humid.  It was so nice to know that we didn't have to try to cram it all into one day or two days, we could just relax and enjoy the day.  I thought, hmmm this is worth living here alone!  My son is going to attend college here next year for a fraction of what it cost him in NC as a Florida resident.  He always wanted to go to college in Florida and now he will be living his dream and I will have him only 90 minutes away.  Not gonna lie, I'm doing a little dance with that decision.

Ok, so was moving here a mistake?  No.  I know it wasn't.  I was guided to move here the same way I was led to move to Arizona without ever stepping foot in the state.  I know this is part of God's plan.  And I refuse to worry about any of it.  I know that everything happens the way it's supposed to.  If what I want in life doesn't come to me than I know that God has something bigger and better in store for me.  I realized that I was waiting for the next step to happen in my life.  Spending so much of my time preparing for the next phase, the next good thing, that I was missing what was happening in the current moment.  I refuse to do that anymore.  I've started to live my life again.  I feel like I've spent 2016 preparing for the move, preparing for my son going to college, preparing for other events that have yet to happen and may not happen for a long time.  I need to be okay with being here, in this moment, by myself and know that if that's the way the future is supposed to be than I'll be okay.  God has me and I am blessed far more than I deserve.
So, I'll leave you with this......when you worry it's like telling God that you don't have faith in His His love for us and in His design for our lives.  Do terrible things happen, such as the devastation brought on by Hurricane Matthew....yes of course it does!  God never promised our lives would be perfect, he just promised we wouldn't have to face it alone.  Trust in Him and please stop feeding into the frenzy and panic that is commonplace in this day and age. (and that INCLUDES the presidential election---oy vey)  Turn you eyes and your heart and your prayers upward and God will provide!

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