Like a fool I am and I'll always be....I've got a dream, I've got a dream

 There was a time when seeing these signs would fill me with such joy and conviction.  Today?  I think...hmmm ok, so the path I'm on, does it include an oncoming train?  Because the light I keep being told is around the corner?  I'm pretty damn sure that's what's coming.

I know I'm supposed to somehow encourage people with this blog...and with my Chat with your Angels page.  But honestly?  Not in that place right now.  Sorry.  Maybe knowing that even someone with a Mary Sunshine, Snow White attitude can fall and be unsure too will help someone else....

I live my life always looking for the bright side...the positive in every negative.  But quite frankly?  I'm sick to death of it.  Every time I think things are getting better I get slammed with a bunch more negative things that quite honestly?  At this moment?  I'm just not equipped to handle anymore.  Getting out of bed lately is a chore.  I don't want to face the day.  I meditate and journal and pray and that gives me just enough to turn the coffee pot on. I thank God every single morning and night for all the blessings I have, because I KNOW there are a lot of them.  But the joy, peace, happiness that I was so sure was the future?  It's just not there anymore.  There was a time when I was excited that my future was not predictable.  Moving out of the home I shared with my ex husband....was exilirating!   Moving across the country to Florida with my kids?  Again...amazing....freeing....and now?  I'm preparing for another move....just a few states away this time, but still.  New place, new environment....it's exciting.  But there are opportunities that keep showing themselves to me and make me wonder if I'm supposed to stay here.  Like a toddler I want to kick and scream and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAAAA.  Cross my arms over my chest and hrmph...NO!  But then I get scared...what if this is wrong?  What if I'm supposed to wait?  What if this is my path?  What if my happily ever after is not part of the plan?  Then I get the signs above ^^^and normally I would be like okey dokey then....let's get packing.  But now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt my ability to be a good mom, to be anything to anyone.  My company is really wanting me to stay here...and being wanted, well that's a huge trigger for me.  Having someone not want to lose you?  That's pretty enticing.  My self worth is in the toilet these days so knowing I'm a "valuable asset" makes me doubt my decisions.

I went to a hypnosis meditation group the other night and part of it was to put yourself back to your 10 year old self, then your 15 year old self.  What did you want to be?  Who was your best friend?  What did you like to do?  I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  That has always been my goal and my purpose.  I realized I wanted to be like MY mother....and I wanted a marriage like my parents.  My mother did everything so selflessly for all of us.  I modeled myself after her.  My marriage did not turn out like my parents.  Quite the opposite.  My children, I can confidently say at this moment in time, all love me and know there is nothing I would not do for them.  It feels good to be able to say that again. My oldest and I are still not communicating, but I have it from a reliable source that that is about to change.   But 2 of the 3 of them are adults now.  So, what now?  What is my goal now?

The meditation group was all about releasing that which no longer serves you.  Limiting beliefs that hold you back.  I wasn't sure I had any, but during the meditation it came to me so clearly.  I'm not good enough.  That's my biggest one.  The tears flowed down my face in this room of strangers all lying on their yoga mats.  I thought I had overcome that one.  I really did.  I felt worthy of all the good things I truly believed were coming my way.  But honestly?  How many times can I be rejected and ignored and denied before I realize that I'm NOT good enough apparently.  After the meditation was over one of the participants came over and touched my arm and he said to me "I'm not sure what your limitations are but for what it's worth you seem pretty perfect" I stared at him blankly because um, huh?  I didn't say a word.  He continued and said he noticed the change in my energy from when I came in and was chatty and bubbly to now when I looked like I lost my best friend.  I thanked him for the sweetness and went on my way.  I would like to say it made a difference, but it didn't.  I have a lot of people who tell me I have great energy, blah blah blah.  What good does it do me?  Every time I move ahead and try to find the peace and happiness that I so desperately crave it's taken away from me.  Whether it's health issues or financial issues or logistics of the upcoming move.  I'm tired.  The days are flying by and I don't feel like any progress is being made in my life.  I've been trying to make sure I pack at least a box a day...I can't seem to even focus enough to make a list.



Wow.  That was written on April 12th 2018-----I had saved it as a draft.  I guess I wasn't ready to share that with the world.  I'm ready now. For the record I took the job with my company---I stayed in Florida and it was the best decision I could have made.  I love my job!  It is challenging and rewarding and it's exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I followed my guidance instead of that toddler that was insisting she didn't wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaa.   I'm in a completely different place *most* of the time.   I can confidently say that that meditation worked.  I no longer feel like I'm not enough--- ever.  I cleared that and released that and I feel very confident in my worthiness---only took nearly 55 years, not bad 😏  I am now in a place of taking life one day at a time.  I no longer look towards the future to bring me happiness.  I find joy in almost every day.  Even if it's a tiny sliver.  I make time for myself and for things that bring me joy.  Because I'm worth it-----and so are you!  What are you putting off until tomorrow that you could do today to bring you happiness?  What brings joy to your soul?  If you can't muster joy why not try something that makes you feel better than you did yesterday?  If you do that every day you'll be feeling joy daily in no time.  A very important fact I've discovered that I was never able to do until now is not to put that happiness in a person or a place or a thing.  Nothing that can be taken away from you---that's a recipe for disaster!  Find joy in things that you have control over---read a book, call a friend, cook, bake, exercise, write, watch a favorite show, take a drive--- you get the drift.  I try to find one thing every day that I look forward to and if my day gets off track I remind myself of that one thing I'm looking forward to.  It makes all the difference.  Try it.  Now.  Not tomorrow, not next week.....now.  Let me know how it works for you?  Because after all----it's truly a day in the life 💓