They say old lovers can be good friends.....

Life just continues to twist and change.  When I first got divorced I didn't want to be in the same room as my ex husband.  It was weird and awkward and I needed to be away from him permanently.  I wanted him to have a relationship with our children that did not include me.  That did not happen.  He still tried to include me in every conversation/meeting/purchase that he made for them.  It was so frustrating to me that I just detached completely from him.  This was not what I wanted, I wanted to be able to be cordial and have an amicable divorce.  When people would see us together at events they were shocked by how well we got along.  Sure, because it didn't matter to me anymore.  I wasn't looking for anything from him but to be a father to our children.  I wasn't invested in the relationship anymore.  I had laid down my sword, so to speak.

We had a really bad patch for about 10 months where we didn't speak and it was vicious.  Things happened that I never thought would, he did things I never thought he would.  He was being influenced by people close to him that really didn't like me.  One of them our oldest son.  We got through that phase and slowly began to be friends again.  I have reached out to him a few times since he moved to Florida and he's been there for me and I am grateful.  He mentioned he had no where to go for Thanksgiving and asked what we were doing.  I told him we were going to Disney but he was welcome to come for dinner at noon.  My kids were shocked.  My sons have made peace with him and have created their own unique relationship with him.  My daughter, well she wants nothing to do with him and was less than thrilled but was accepting of it.  This week I had a huge issue with my car and I reached out to him for help.  Via text he said something that made me say wow.  you know me pretty well --- he could tell in a 4 word text that I was losing my shit.  He said obviously he did. 

He was here a week or so ago and we sat down to talk when he brought our son home.  Something came up and made us remember a trip to Disneyland when the kids were younger and he reenacted it and we were literally laughing until we cried.  My oldest and youngest looked at each other with bewildered faces.  They had no memory of what we were talking about.  It was so strange because it was like reminiscing with an old friend.  I truly forget that we were married for 23 years.  I look at him and it's like he's just someone I've known forever.  There is a comfort level there that makes certain things so easy.  We discussed Christmas and we still work like a well oiled machine when it comes to the kids.  He remembers all of those Christmases that we played Santa and I don't have to explain it.  He used to buy the kids and me an ornament every Thanksgiving to go with the Nutcracker, Snowman and Angel/Snow globe that I gave the kids.  Well the other day a box came in the mail and inside were wrapped ornaments with all of our names on them.  It was thoughtful things like that that kept me married to him for as long as I was.  He is a good person.  He means well.  He just isn't my person.  And he's not the father I thought he would have been----he's always taken care of the kids financially, but emotionally?  The relationship just isn't there.  It's sad.  Especially with my daughter---she is just perfection, she truly is.  And he doesn't know her----AT all.  And I don't know that she will ever give him a chance if he asked for it.  It's a gift to know her, truly a gift if she lets you in....and unfortunately the men that she did let in have let her down.  She's stronger for it.  She's fiercely independent and she's starting to explore the relationship world.  She's got her shit together.  Thank God.  She's got a balance of kindness and assertiveness, of compassion and no bullshit....Thankfully.

So, tomorrow....the five of us and my lovely daughter in law will have Thanksgiving dinner together for the first time in 7 years.  Will it become tradition?  I don't think so.  But I just couldn't let him be alone when there was no reason for it.  My sons will be able to watch football with their father and even though it doesn't matter to them it matters to me.  He has given me the 3 things I'm the most thankful for.  And for that I will always be grateful.

Like a fool I am and I'll always be....I've got a dream, I've got a dream

 There was a time when seeing these signs would fill me with such joy and conviction.  Today?  I think...hmmm ok, so the path I'm on, does it include an oncoming train?  Because the light I keep being told is around the corner?  I'm pretty damn sure that's what's coming.

I know I'm supposed to somehow encourage people with this blog...and with my Chat with your Angels page.  But honestly?  Not in that place right now.  Sorry.  Maybe knowing that even someone with a Mary Sunshine, Snow White attitude can fall and be unsure too will help someone else....

I live my life always looking for the bright side...the positive in every negative.  But quite frankly?  I'm sick to death of it.  Every time I think things are getting better I get slammed with a bunch more negative things that quite honestly?  At this moment?  I'm just not equipped to handle anymore.  Getting out of bed lately is a chore.  I don't want to face the day.  I meditate and journal and pray and that gives me just enough to turn the coffee pot on. I thank God every single morning and night for all the blessings I have, because I KNOW there are a lot of them.  But the joy, peace, happiness that I was so sure was the future?  It's just not there anymore.  There was a time when I was excited that my future was not predictable.  Moving out of the home I shared with my ex husband....was exilirating!   Moving across the country to Florida with my kids?  Again...amazing....freeing....and now?  I'm preparing for another move....just a few states away this time, but still.  New place, new environment....it's exciting.  But there are opportunities that keep showing themselves to me and make me wonder if I'm supposed to stay here.  Like a toddler I want to kick and scream and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAAAA.  Cross my arms over my chest and hrmph...NO!  But then I get scared...what if this is wrong?  What if I'm supposed to wait?  What if this is my path?  What if my happily ever after is not part of the plan?  Then I get the signs above ^^^and normally I would be like okey dokey then....let's get packing.  But now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt my ability to be a good mom, to be anything to anyone.  My company is really wanting me to stay here...and being wanted, well that's a huge trigger for me.  Having someone not want to lose you?  That's pretty enticing.  My self worth is in the toilet these days so knowing I'm a "valuable asset" makes me doubt my decisions.

I went to a hypnosis meditation group the other night and part of it was to put yourself back to your 10 year old self, then your 15 year old self.  What did you want to be?  Who was your best friend?  What did you like to do?  I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  That has always been my goal and my purpose.  I realized I wanted to be like MY mother....and I wanted a marriage like my parents.  My mother did everything so selflessly for all of us.  I modeled myself after her.  My marriage did not turn out like my parents.  Quite the opposite.  My children, I can confidently say at this moment in time, all love me and know there is nothing I would not do for them.  It feels good to be able to say that again. My oldest and I are still not communicating, but I have it from a reliable source that that is about to change.   But 2 of the 3 of them are adults now.  So, what now?  What is my goal now?

The meditation group was all about releasing that which no longer serves you.  Limiting beliefs that hold you back.  I wasn't sure I had any, but during the meditation it came to me so clearly.  I'm not good enough.  That's my biggest one.  The tears flowed down my face in this room of strangers all lying on their yoga mats.  I thought I had overcome that one.  I really did.  I felt worthy of all the good things I truly believed were coming my way.  But honestly?  How many times can I be rejected and ignored and denied before I realize that I'm NOT good enough apparently.  After the meditation was over one of the participants came over and touched my arm and he said to me "I'm not sure what your limitations are but for what it's worth you seem pretty perfect" I stared at him blankly because um, huh?  I didn't say a word.  He continued and said he noticed the change in my energy from when I came in and was chatty and bubbly to now when I looked like I lost my best friend.  I thanked him for the sweetness and went on my way.  I would like to say it made a difference, but it didn't.  I have a lot of people who tell me I have great energy, blah blah blah.  What good does it do me?  Every time I move ahead and try to find the peace and happiness that I so desperately crave it's taken away from me.  Whether it's health issues or financial issues or logistics of the upcoming move.  I'm tired.  The days are flying by and I don't feel like any progress is being made in my life.  I've been trying to make sure I pack at least a box a day...I can't seem to even focus enough to make a list.



Wow.  That was written on April 12th 2018-----I had saved it as a draft.  I guess I wasn't ready to share that with the world.  I'm ready now. For the record I took the job with my company---I stayed in Florida and it was the best decision I could have made.  I love my job!  It is challenging and rewarding and it's exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I followed my guidance instead of that toddler that was insisting she didn't wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaa.   I'm in a completely different place *most* of the time.   I can confidently say that that meditation worked.  I no longer feel like I'm not enough--- ever.  I cleared that and released that and I feel very confident in my worthiness---only took nearly 55 years, not bad 😏  I am now in a place of taking life one day at a time.  I no longer look towards the future to bring me happiness.  I find joy in almost every day.  Even if it's a tiny sliver.  I make time for myself and for things that bring me joy.  Because I'm worth it-----and so are you!  What are you putting off until tomorrow that you could do today to bring you happiness?  What brings joy to your soul?  If you can't muster joy why not try something that makes you feel better than you did yesterday?  If you do that every day you'll be feeling joy daily in no time.  A very important fact I've discovered that I was never able to do until now is not to put that happiness in a person or a place or a thing.  Nothing that can be taken away from you---that's a recipe for disaster!  Find joy in things that you have control over---read a book, call a friend, cook, bake, exercise, write, watch a favorite show, take a drive--- you get the drift.  I try to find one thing every day that I look forward to and if my day gets off track I remind myself of that one thing I'm looking forward to.  It makes all the difference.  Try it.  Now.  Not tomorrow, not next week.....now.  Let me know how it works for you?  Because after all----it's truly a day in the life 💓

Happy 85th Birthday in Heaven Mommy (your 5th one!)

Happy Birthday mommy!  It's strange, now that Richie calls me woman I don't feel right calling you that anymore.  When I think of you I feel like a child again and mommy seems right.  I hope everyone is giving you a huge party and celebrating you in Heaven.  I miss you so very much it's hard to even comprehend it.   When you first passed I really didn't understand how people could say they missed their loved ones every day and that it got worse as time passed.  I thought, well.....I didn't physically live in the same place as my mom for decades, nor did I speak to her every day, so really what is going to change?  Well, I'm here to say....A LOT!  Knowing that I can't pick up the phone whenever I want and hear your sweet responses to my rant of the day is so much harder than I imagined.  Now, as my children are becoming adults I resonate with you on a whole different level,

I understand now how my calls to you to spill whatever was going on in my life in my mind was me calling a friend, someone who I could trust and who knew me.  Now I realize, as a mother, every time I was hurting and felt better after hanging up with you----you carried that pain.  You thought constantly about what you could do and how powerless you felt when you realized the answer was---not a damn thing.  What you didn't know was that I didn't need you to fix anything---I just needed my mommy.

I understand now how you got tired of doing everything for everyone else.  Like when I would ask you to make me a sandwich because it tasted better when you made it.   I am happy that as time passed I was able to return the favor and make some of your favorites.  Just because you were my mom didn't mean you weren't a person.  I'm sorry for not realizing that until I was way older than I should have been.

I understand now why you were so afraid of getting attached to Richie when he was a baby because you had to leave.  I never knew the pain of missing someone you love so badly that you truly feel that your heart is being ripped from your chest. It's not just painful when someone dies it's just as painful when that person is alive yet you can't see them or be with them.

I understand why you would be quiet when we were all together.  I used to get so annoyed, like your children and grandchildren are all together why aren't you over the moon?  It's because you didn't feel comfortable with our topics, your knowledge of them practically non existent and your fear of being laughed at kept you silent.  I get it now mom.  And I'm sorry I wasn't more patient.

I understand why you never took sides when one of us would come to you with a complaint about the others.  You loved us all and even if you understood where we were coming from, the pain of watching your children do anything but love each other and get along was just too much.  And you also knew that we each had our own sense of reality and somewhere in the middle was the truth.  I get it now.

I understood why you didn't share your feelings and personality with everyone.  You were so selective and I feel so incredibly blessed to know that there are things you shared with me that you never shared with anyone---even Daddy.  I get it mommy.  I've actually become very selective myself.  I know---shocking, but I'm there.  I see so much of you in me now.  All the good. I wish you were here to see it....to be part of it.  We would be even closer.  I know you're with me always.

I truly wish you were here to get to know Emeline.  She still loves that you called her that.  She is....beyond words Mom.  She is the best of you and of me and she's everything that we were not.  She's strong and confident and comfortable in her own skin.  She's just so beautiful mom, inside and out.   You would just cherish every moment with her.  There is so much you could have taught her if you had the chance.

I wish you could have met McKenna.  You would have loved her.  Daniel Boone is everything you always knew he would be.  You saw in him what I couldn't when he was younger and a bullumeister (I have no idea how to spell it).  You would just be so proud of him.  He's really incredible.  I know he wishes he could talk to you -there is so much inside of him that needs his Yaya.

I wish I could say I wish you were here to see Richie evolve, but I know his journey would break your heart in a million pieces.  He identifies with you and relates to you in a whole other way now mommy.  I hope he talks to you and I know you're trying to help him through this lifetime.  It must make you happy that he embraces his German heritage so strongly now.  Please stay with him always.

I'm pretty sure you'd be proud of me, you always were.  I'm confident that you would hurt for me in the areas of life that didn't turn out exactly how we'd hoped.  For that, I'm relieved you're not here to witness it first hand.  But, I know you'd be proud of how I always pick myself up and carry on as always, with my head high and a smile on my face.  I learned that from you.  Even though you didn't think you were strong-----I learned it ALL from you!!!  You were stronger than any of us ever realized.  You were the perfect blend of loving and giving yet strong and brave.

I wish you could see how very much you are missed.  My kids talk about you at least once a day.  We see things that make us think of you and we laugh at how you'd react to it.  You live on in each one of us.  And each of us is growing.....by this time next year you'll have three great grandbabies.  I know you're rocking 2 of them right now until it's time for them to be born.

I love you mom.  Happy Birthday!!!!  Make a wish xoxoxo

Though I tried to pretend, I knew it was the end For the autumn of my life had come at last

Thirty one years ago today a 23 year old girl woke up on her wedding day.  She had no idea what the future would hold but she was certain this was the beginning of it.  She was really sick, congested, head cold, sore throat and on antibiotics for maybe the 2nd time in her life.  Looking back that was significant, no?  At that time she was more excited about the wedding and becoming some one's wife and changing her name more than she was thinking about a marriage and what that entailed.  She lives her life with no regrets and looks back knowing that marriage had to happen in order for three incredible human beings to be born.   And that marriage was not an easy one.  It was turbulent, volatile, filled with job changes, unemployment, uncertainty, instability, misunderstandings, anger and ups and downs, 11 moves, 3 different states and finally a peaceful, easy divorce.  But the result of that marriage was worth every tear, every heartache, every disappointment and every broken promise---3 children that are so amazing it's only divine intervention that they came from that union.

I look back at that young girl and I don't recognize her.  All of the things that happened in the last 31 years changed her.  She used to be a hopeless romantic, believing that love conquers all and that there was nothing that love could not cure.  She believed in devotion and faithfulness and happily ever after.  She doesn't anymore.  She believes that everything happens for a reason.  But happily ever after?  No.  She doesn't believe in that anymore.  My marriage was not a failure, quite the opposite.  It made me who I am today, along with a handful of failed relationships since then.   Every relationship, whether romantic, family, friend or work, teaches you something.  Those people are in your life for a reason.  Recently I've had quite a few people come back into my life that I had severed ties with within the last decade.  I'm not sure why they are resurfacing but I'm assuming our lessons aren't over.  This is a pattern in my life, I'm not sure why.  And honestly, I've stopped asking why.  I've stopped trying to figure out the reasons for things.  What's the point?  It is what it is.

Obviously everyone has different paths in life.  I am beginning to believe that the best years of my life are behind me.  Raising my children, being a stay at home mom and a wife was my passion and my dream for my life.  Well that phase is over now.  What now?  Now it's just a regular life.  Now I sit back and watch my nieces and nephews and my own children begin their lives.  My sweet friend from Arizona got married again this past weekend.  She had a rough life up until this point, no denying it.  So for her and some others these are the golden years---the years they work for and pay their dues for while they're young.  For me?  Those were the golden years.  I'm always backwards, I guess this is no different.  I know there are still good times ahead and I'm very blessed by all that I have and the life that I live.  But it makes me really sad to know that life is more than half over and the best is most likely behind me.  I try not to think that way but on days like today it's inevitable.  Tomorrow I may feel differently because after all....it's just a day in the life.

That God blessed the Broken road....

Sometimes Faith is difficult.  Having faith requires knowing and believing everything is working out in your favor even though you can't see it.  I have unwavering faith.  Faith that everything will be fine.  However, fine is not always giving me what I want.  And I want things to be fine....but I want what I want and what I believe in my heart is best and what is going to be.  That's where the wobble comes in.  Faith requires us to know that no matter what is happening it is for our highest good and the highest good for everyone involved.  Fear, for me, comes when I have faith but I'm not sure that the good that's coming is going to get to me where I want it to, the way I want it to and in the time I want it to.  Sound familiar?  Here is how I get through that...

Having lunch with my son the other day and we were discussing pretty much everything and anything.  We got to the topic of not seeing how certain situations would change.  My son, in his infinite wisdom (he totally gets that from me 😉) tells me to look at the last 4 years alone.  Would we have ever seen us moving to Florida, him quitting baseball, moving to North Carolina, then back here to Florida etc?  No.  Never.  And today on my face book memories it was funny because in 2015 I was in Florida visiting my dad and saying I missed Arizona because of the humidity and rain here.  Then in 2016 I arrived in Florida to my new home, 2017 showed my kids and daughter in law in the pool and my heart was happy but missing my oldest who was estranged and living in New Jersey , 2018 showed me missing my middle son because he was in NC....and now?  We are all in the same place again with completely different lives then we ever pictured even a year ago.  Had I known in 2015 what the next four years would bring in order to get to now?  I would have been crawled up in a corner sucking my thumb and crying for my mommy.  It was a TOUGH road.  But this is where we need to be and all of that needed to take place to get here.  So, sometimes when God isn't showing you the answers to your prayers or a clear vision of what is to come it is to protect you, and to allow you to be open to the path leading to the destination you're wanting. Sometimes it is so that you don't resist what it's going to take to get you there.  Or that you don't sit back and just wait for the destination and miss the lessons along the way.

Basically, whenever I feel worried, or fearful that things aren't going as planned I look back and see the reasons why things happened as they did.  It's usually pretty crystal clear.  And that knowledge helps me have faith that right now is no different.  So the moral of the story is....have faith....and hope...and trust that the road ahead might not be smooth or paved with gold, but it will lead you to where you need to be. God Bless The long and winding road....

I got the news today oh boy....

10 years ago we got nearly the worst news a family could get.  My then 10 year old got the diagnosis of Lymphoma.  We started the testing a month before and I knew in my gut that it was cancer, even though my brain couldn't believe it.  I don't remember that day often.  But every year on the 2nd of July my son and I share a moment.  It's like a knowing glance.  Sometimes we talk about it, sometimes we don't.  A few weeks ago we were all at the movies together and he says so are you free for lunch on the 2nd?  I said "Did we make plans?"  He says "It's 10 years mom"  I said I know very well what it is honey.  I just didn't remember if we had plans".  How could I forget that day?  I don't remember a lot of it but I remember the moment of the diagnosis.  Danny was sitting on the examination table and his little legs were hanging off the table swinging and Dr. Williams came in.  The first time we met him and he had to deliver this news.  He's over 6 feet tall but he got up on that table and let his legs dangle and swing along with him.  He gave us the news. There was a nurse and Danny's father in the room, if I recall, along with us.  But in my mind...at that moment...it was just my son and me.  Danny and I looked at each other, took a deep breath and I said, okay when do we start?  Dr. Williams was a bit taken back that it was taken so well.  He said, well we could start today if you wanted.  We looked at each other again and said "Let's do it".  And it began.  We drove the hour back home, packed what we needed for our first overnight hospital stay and began the soon to be familiar trip back to the Hospital.  Thinking back, I don't even remember telling my other children that their brother had cancer.  This day began a world that only included Danny and me.  Everything else was a distraction, truth be told. Of course I always worried about my other two children left at home but more about them being okay, I never really thought about what this diagnosis meant to them ---selfish really.  It was all about  Danny and me.  And still to this day, this time, this part of his life is still just ours.  No one else can begin to understand and they weren't there to experience every moment.  It was just the two of us.  It would be the first time Danny and I would be away alone together and truth be told I think he was a little excited.  He really was happy once we got settled.  He felt like it was a hotel stay (that drastically changed going forward). This was a quick treatment we were supposed to be out by early afternoon the next day.  Well the Dr. on call was nervous letting us go so we didn't get out until very late the next day.  And it began....the journey that changed my son forever, changed me forever and changed our relationship forever.

It's interesting that I don't recall the exact date we got an all clear that the chemo had worked.  If I'm guessing it's November 8th.  Strange isn't it?  That we celebrate the date of the diagnosis and not the cure.  I guess because once he was diagnosed it didn't ever cross our minds that the ending wouldn't be a happy one.  It also began the bond that my son and I share that no one else does.  It seems a bit narcissistic maybe that we feel that way.  But, oh well, it's the way it is.  If you were there and supported us during cancer you get a free pass for a lot of other stuff.  That time is in a snow globe of sorts....what happened before and what happened after can't touch it.  He often says he's grateful for this diagnosis, that it made him a different person.  I can't disagree.  His determination, his strength, his drive, his devotion, his kindness, his loyalty,  his passion.....was all built and fueled on this period in life.  The man he is today (an outstanding, incredible, charismatic, successful man) was built on this day 10 years ago.  I hope this all makes sense because quite honestly I'm crying so hard I can't see the keyboard and my heart is in my throat.

I wrote a book about Danny's battle with cancer and my perspective on it.  http://www.lulu.com/shop/tina-marie/beyond-the-immediate/paperback/product-21742888.html .  Here's the link if you want to check it out.  I started to read it the other day and I just couldn't do it.  Maybe because, as my brother says ,I'm no author or maybe because the feelings are buried and bringing them up again is just too painful.  Danny asked me this morning if I had any pictures of us together when he was sick.  I thought about it and realized I didn't.  He said, "I guess we weren't really thinking about taking selfies, huh?"  So I asked the family photographer, my sister and viola.  Here they are.  Then and now.....my heart is so full right now.  What a decade it's been.  He graduated high school, we moved to Florida, he bought his first new car, got his Associates Degree,  moved to North Carolina, he got married, moved back to Florida, started his career in real estate  https://dhosek.watsonrealtycorp.com/, and is one semester out from finishing his bachelors degree.  Those are the pivotal moments.  I left out his parents divorce, major shoulder surgery, 2015 as a whole, deciding to walk away from his college baseball career, 2 hurricane evacuations and some other not so easy ones.

But today, we celebrate.  What a difference 10 years makes.  My son is now a healthy, nearly 21 year old married man. Our relationship has evolved over the years but we have a bond that most people will never understand.  This day changed everything 10 years ago.  It was the beginning of a decade of hell truth be told.  My son often says our ten years of hell is almost over.  I think he's right.  We've been through more in this last 10 years than some families go through in a lifetime. We are proof that good things can come from the worst possible things.   And that sometimes.....it's NOT just a day in the life.....it's so much more.

If you were falling Then I would catch you You need a light I'd find a match

I've realized I have a very bad habit of assuming the worst.  About people and situations.  I am an optimistic person.  I can be heard saying ALL the time:  Don't worry, give it to God and it will be fine.  He already knows the outcome.  And I BELIEVE it!  I live my life that way.  Throughout my life though I have been known to assume that someone doesn't care about me, or that I'm not important to them as soon as something comes up that goes against the way that I show love.  In a conversation with my son I realized he does the same thing and in trying to help him to avoid the pitfalls of this syndrome I learned somethings about myself.  I have been doing research and trying desperately to find a way to STOP assuming the worst of people.  I know people who do this with strangers.  If someone cuts in line at the grocery store people take it as something personal.  It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person.  They aren't deliberately trying to annoy you/ruin your day.  You're not that important!  I overcame this one a long time ago.  After reading the Four Agreements I also learned that other people's opinion of you is none of your business.  You can't change it so let it be.  So why do I assume those closest to me don't necessarily love me the way I love them?  Or that I'm not as important to them as they are to me?  This has been my mission lately....to figure this out!  I need to FIX this.  I've asked quite a few people who know me pretty well why I do this.  No one seems to be able to figure it out.  I've been told it's because I'm a controlling person.....well maybe when this person knew me best I was but that chick is long gone.  I have absolutely no desire to control anyone or anything anymore.  What's the point?  It's all in God's hands anyway.  This same person also sent me a video about the husband store----basically insinuating that women are impossible to please.  REALLY?  I said.  I have settled for FAR less than I deserve and you've told me that yourself!  NEXT!

A few weeks ago my bestie and I were discussing we can only imagine what we've been shown.  She was discussing that she can't imagine a love like one I've described because she's never seen it herself.  Love to her can only look the way she's been shown.  Well, this morning it hit me!  That's why I automatically go to a negative place when things don't look the way I want them to.  Because in the past I've been shown that I'm not important.  I've been shown that other things are more of a priority than I am.  I've been shown that people change with time and consistency isn't real.  I realized this goes back to my childhood (which I have realized lately was extremely pristine and idyllic compared to most!) and what I perceived about myself and the love I received.

Cleaning, cooking, the way things looked and my father were the most important things to my mother.  Work, providing, the way things looked and my mother were the most important things to my dad.  In my life they were the most important things to me----so you see how it started.  I felt that I loved them and prioritized them way more than they did to me.  Was it true?  Who the hell knows, but perception is reality.  So....my entire life I have chased that love that I gave away so freely.  I wanted to be first in someone's world.  No matter what.  So....I gave that.  I gave that to whoever was in my world.  My friends, my boyfriends, my bosses.  I gave my very best to everything.  I didn't always receive it back.  And the minute I felt like I wasn't a priority or that the scales tipped I went to the worst case scenario.  They didn't want my friendship, they were falling out of love with me, I was going to get fired. (for the record----I've never had a friend walk away from me....I've only had 1 boyfriend break up with me when I was 16 and he came back a month later...and I've never been fired) So why this assumption?!?!?!?  I have NO idea.  It is driving me mad, actually.  I try very hard to fix myself and work on any issues I have.  But this one?  I can't fix....but I'm getting closer.  While my thoughts still go directly to the negative I talk myself out of it super quickly now.  BUT I want to stop thinking it right away!  I know the frustration it has caused to the people that truly love me completely.  It makes them feel like they can't win....that I expect perfection.  I don't.  I guess I just don't believe that anyone could love me as deeply as I love them.  That anyone could think about me as much as I think about them.  That anyone could prioritize me as I prioritize them.  As if I have the market cornered on that....why?  I wish I knew.  I used to think it was a self worth issue, like I didn't feel worthy of love and being a priority.  But I know that's not the case.  I've realized I'm a pretty cool chick and definitely worthy of being someone's number 1 😏.  Is it a superiority complex?  Like I love better than anyone else?  Seems unlikely but maybe.  Do I expect too much?  That's what I've been told my whole life.  My expectations are too high.  Maybe that's it.  But is it wrong to expect to receive what I give?  If I can achieve it, is it wrong to want it back?  Maybe.  But just because someone doesn't show it the same way that I do doesn't make it wrong.

You have just witnessed what goes on in my head on the daily.  I always come back to the other person's point of view.  Always defending and trying to understand why someone is letting me down basically.  But maybe they're giving everything they have at the moment and I need to accept that.  No one demands the depth of what I give to them.  No one in my life demands more from me than what I give.  Is that because I give more than people are used to receiving?  Most likely.  So what is the answer?  How do I not assume people love me less or want me in their life less if they don't show things the way that I do?  I guess constant self talk to get myself out of this habit.  Or maybe at some point I'll find a way to balance out the love I give.  Maybe I'll take my cue from others and relearn the way I love.  Or maybe I'll just figure out a way to stop thinking about it or letting it get to me.  Time changes things and heals things and time is going by so quickly that maybe this is on it's way out.  Somehow it will work itself out because basically it's just a day in the life.

If you could read my mind now.....just like a paperback novel

In the past 48 hours I've had conversations with my sons that have really upset me.  I've come to a point in my life where I am ready to be more than a mom.  I'm ready to be that supporting cast in the movie of their individual lives and for them to be that in mine.  It's not always easy, because they do still rely on me quite a bit.  It's also not easy because I do still want us all to remain close.  I want the three of them to have that connection with me and with each other forever.  So, as with anything else in life, I'm searching for balance.  I have pretty much removed anyone in my life that doesn't bring positivity.  I only have relationships with people that are like minded.  Do I have to deal with people that aren't?  Of course, I don't live in a cave!  But the only people I give MY energy and MY attention to and the only people who get a front row seat or starring role in the movie of my life are carefully chosen.  Last weekend I healed two very important past relationships in my life with two very important conversations. I got the closure that I needed to give my heart peace and I can now go forward without having animosity or anything other than friendship.  It was a huge turning point for my future.  My sister mentioned how my past always comes back to me and I realized it's because I still had lessons to learn from those relationships.

One of these was with my ex husband.  We have been cordial for 80% of our divorce.  I just really didn't want a friendship with him.  I wanted to avoid contact with him as much as possible.  Something shifted in our situation in the last month or so.  I found myself calling him last weekend to check up on him and to talk to someone who gets me. We had an incredible conversation where he actually gave me some really great advice.  I think, for him, he is at peace and happy for the first time in a long time...maybe ever.  He's found his "niche".  I'm truly happy for him, it's a blessing to see.  I was telling him about some frustrations I've been having and how I wasn't at peace and I wasn't happy and he told me I needed to take time for me.  I needed to walk around the lake by my house, or go to the pool and do something for me every day.  So, I took his advice.  Of course when I went for the walk I saw the alligator coming out of the water and I thought...hmmmm was this his plan all along? 😉I thanked him for truly always being there for me at my darkest times.  We grew up together and although I know that our soul purpose of the journey we took was so that our 3 children could be born and nothing else, it is nice to have someone who knows me so completely and has nothing to gain or lose in this relationship and who wants nothing more than to have a peaceful friendship.

This brings me back to my conversations with my sons...I digress but there's a point to it.  Their father and I devoted ourselves completely to our children.  My ex was a detached spectator for the most part, but he has ALWAYS done whatever needed to be done to make sure the kids got whatever they wanted.  He allowed me to give them whatever they needed.  Because of choices we made I was able to stay home with my kids and devote myself to them.  My oldest son has said for nearly 10 years that he didn't want to bring kids into this world.  That hurt me, but I got it.  My younger son told me the other day that he didn't know if he wanted kids because they require so much.  He said "look at you, you're still taking care of us, I don't think I want that".  He was half joking (and I know he will go on to have a family...it's a newlywed thing for him I think).  I told my oldest son about this conversation this morning and he said "He's not wrong Ma....I wouldn't want your job!"  That hurt me so deeply.  I have always shown my kids what joy it brings me to be their mother.  Those aren't just words, that's my way of life.  They were my purpose for many years....they are my legacy and my mark on the world.  And that's how they see it?

My aunt passed away this week.  She was the only Aunt I had left, my dad's only sibling left.  I look at her life as such a success.  She had 4 children.  They all still went to her house on Sunday's for lunch/dinner.  She had 10 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren and 1 on the way.  What an amazing legacy.  They are all devastated that she's gone.  They have incredible memories of her.  Hell, our whole family has many memories of Christmas eve at her house, tons of Baptisms, showers, Easter dinners, the list goes on.  I wondered how my children will remember me and then I had these conversations with them and I'm not gonna lie it shook me.

My oldest son has a lot of negative memories from childhood.  He feels that he was bullied and even though he doesn't outwardly blame me for it (as he did for the last 10 years) I know he still feels it a bit.  It's part of being a parent, I know.  It's my need to do things perfectly in order to be happy (which I'm venturing away from) that causes my sadness about this.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent.  There's no such thing as a perfect partner.  There's no such thing as a perfect person.  I know this.  I still struggle to be what everyone needs while not losing myself in the process.  Hell for most of my life I didn't even know who I was.  But now that I've found her I'm determined to make sure that she doesn't get lost again.  But there will be bumps along the way.  I guess I need to not be so worried about disappointing those I love (since I seem to do that no matter what at times) and worry about not disappointing myself.  She's worked her ass off to become the person she is today and she deserves better.  She deserves the effort she gives everyone else.  She deserves everything she's ever wanted.  She's earned that right.  So I will protect her, the way I protect everyone else I love.  And she will finally be first in someone's life.....her own.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.....

We are family....And we fly just like birds of a feather I will tell no lie

What a difference a week makes.  Last week we were celebrating my niece's wedding.... This week family reunion with my ex husband.  Polar opposite experiences.  My kids haven't seen their father since October at my son's wedding.  My oldest saw him for an hour on Christmas but that's about it.  They all have different levels of interaction with him on a text/phone call level.  I don't ask about it so unless they mention anything I'm not aware.  I know my daughter has no interaction at all with him and my sons are grown men their relationship with their Dad has nothing to do with me.... except for days like this.  My ex is a very persistent man when he makes up his mind.  In this situation he had it in his head to bring Chinese food over and spend the day with the kids....at my house....with me. Sigh.  My daughter wants nothing to do with him so that makes it really awkward. I don't care if he's here honestly.  It doesn't bother me.  I feel sympathy for him even though I shouldn't.  We've been divorced for 7 years and he's seen the kids  less than 50 times..... Yes you read that right.  Even when we lived 5 minutes away for the first 4 And a half years.  He never saw where my sons went to college.  He's never been to my daughter's school.  He was respecting their wishes you could say.  I'm not trying to villainize my ex.  He's financially taken care of his children above and beyond what he needs to... He is there for me whenever I need him.... He's not a bad man. I've told my kids their whole lives that he does the best he can.  To my daughter it's not enough.  He's a stranger to her. My sons are developing some form of relationship with him on their terms. This weekend?  Was not on their terms.  Their Dad was being persistent and they were getting frustrated trying to appease him and not make me spend the day with him and not upset their sister. So I took one for the team.  It was fine.  He arrived while my kids were either working or still sleeping. As they woke up and came home from work we gathered around the table to eat..  I removed myself for a bit while he talked to our sons and the girls watched a movie in the other room.  When he left the 5 of us gathered around the island in the kitchen and took a deep breath.  We're all big on energy and how people's energy affects a room.  We realize how much we rely on the Happy positive energy we have in this house. They remarked how it was like having their crazy Uncle visit rather then their Dad.  That's when it got me... why I feel sorry for my ex. Not only did he lose me... which  he regrets... He has no idea who our children are as human beings.   He knows nothing about them.  His conversations with them are mere cliche/catch phrase conversations and sound bites. Wow.  That hurts my heart. He got our daughter in laws name right at least my daughter joked.  These moments... gathered around the island in the kitchen have become a Friday and Saturday night staple in our home. And I know my son and daughter in law will be back in their own place soon and it won't be as frequent.... But these are the moments that bond us tighter.  We have deep... meaningful... life changing conversations with each other....I can't imagine my life without these. While in NY last week we noticed that there is always background noise..a TV on... Music... not in my house.  My sister commented last week that my kids and I are always talking to each other... that she's  never seen a family talk as much as we do.  I can't imagine it any other way.  Communication is the key to closeness and truly knowing someone.  I pray to God we always remain connected this way....I thank God for my daughter in law and her ability to embrace it and become part of it so easily. I pray that when we add additional members that they embrace it as well.... because this is my legacy... my purpose.... and so much more then just a day in the life....

White lace and promises....a kiss for luck and we're on our way

I was just in New York for my niece's wedding.  My son got married in October and it's such a blessing for us to have such incredible celebrations so close together.  We just keep adding members and it's true that there's strength in numbers.  It was an incredible day.... perfect from beginning to end. It was the first time my daughter in law met my extended family (cousins... second cousins... my sister in laws amazing family and their friends that are family).  For me it feels like being home.  Even though we only see each other every few years it feels like we've never been separated.

Watching my kids with their cousins now that they're all grown is truly magical.  They're friends now in addition to family.  They love being together and it makes me sad that it doesn't happen more often.   To be honest even if we all lived in the same place our lives wouldn't allow it all the time anyway, and maybe the rarity adds to the magic of it.  

Hearing my niece say her vows I was overwhelmed with a flood of memories long forgotten.  She was a breathtakingly beautiful bride.... her beauty however begins inside.  She's always had a heart of gold and to see her at this point at her life....a beautiful home... an equally amazing man by her side.... nothing but happiness ahead of them.... it brought me to tears.  She is so deserving of every moment of it.   I have a tendency to forget bad times....I focus on the good.... but her path wasn't an easy one.    And she's a true testament to what my family is about. We're strong.... we have faith beyond measure and we count our blessings even when things are less then happy.

My brother and sister in law have raised amazing humans.  It seems so long ago that we spent nearly every weekend together when their oldest two were small.  My oldest was a few weeks old when he experienced his first little league game for his cousins.  We moved away when my daughter was a mere year old.... you would never know it. Her cousins are among the few people she lets into her bubble.  I really can't stop the tears from flowing right now, reliving the memories of this weekend.  When I see my middle and my youngest interact I'm reminded so often of my relationship with my brother (also the middle and youngest).  We were always connected in a way that most don't get. A mere glance in the other's direction or a simple phrase can make us burst into side splitting laughter. Watching him "give his daughter away" was so emotional for me.  He's a great dad.  My beautiful sister in law (looking more like the sister of the bride than the mother) has been a shoulder for me during this time of "letting go" helping me navigate the waters she's tested before me.  These are the moments we wait for.... the moments we cherish.... watching them become the adults we hoped they'd be and yet always return to the nucleus of our family..... How blessed we are.  Family after all is where life begins and love never ends and I'm so blessed with the one I've got.  

Not all who wander are lost....but some who don't wander are....

Lost.  I'm lost these days.  I don't wander.  I'm never far from home.  I stay close to those I love and I don't stray from who I am.  The problem is my soul is restless.  It is lost at the current moment.  I cannot focus or find joy for more than a moment at a time.  This is not me. This is not even remotely anything like me.....actually, it reminds me of the me from a long long time ago....before I was awakened.... Even in moments when I would normally feel happy and I AM on the outside, my soul is not.  My soul is longing for something and it will not rest.  Anyone who knows me knows all I've ever wanted is happiness and peace in my soul and for those I love.  I had it for a while.   Even though outside it seemed my world was chaotic and crazy and crumbling.....my soul was at peace, I knew in my heart of hearts that everything would be okay.  I still know that everything will be okay, but I'm not certain how that okay looks....and I'm tired.  My soul is tired of waiting for that peace and joy to return.  It is frustrated because no matter how I spin it or try to find the blessings in my current situation and focus on the gratitude for all the good things I have in my life (there are SO many!) my soul is lost.

My kids and I have been hitting Disney World on Fridays since the New Year.  We have had SO much fun and I've loved the time together...but while I'm there it's like I'm not.  It's like my soul is watching my physical self laugh and joke and make memories, but my soul isn't present in my body.  I know a lot of people will read this and think I'm not making any sense.  That's ok.  I just needed to get it out.  I feel like I am two people.  I'm angry.  I want to be happy.  I want to embrace these moments.  But I'm not fully in it.  Some might say I'm depressed....I have been depressed before, this is not it.  This is some kind of soul expansion or huge shift in my life.  I'm going to be 54 years old in a few days....how many more shifts and changes do I have to go through?  At the moment I feel like I just want to turn it all off.  My feelings, my thoughts, my awareness....my intuition.  The signs I get mean nothing anymore.  It's hard for me to admit that, but I've lost hope.  I feel like it's all been a huge trick.  Dangling a carrot in front of me, promising this extraordinary life that I've had glimpses of.  But what if this is it?  What if this is all there is?  Most people would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  For my kids alone.  I have given birth to three incredible, loving, devoted, brilliant, amazing human beings and they are so so good to me.  Normally, in the past that was always enough for me.  That alone gave me joy and peace.  I want more.  I need more. I feel like Belle in the beginning of Beauty and the Beast when she sings "Belle".  My soul is looking for something and I don't know how to fix it.

My first born and I discuss spiritual things every day.  He is so knowledgeable about the planets and how it affects us.  Our birth charts, the list goes on.  Normally I love listening to his take on it....today I just asked him to please let me just rest and take care of myself without trying to make sense of it.  It was hurting my brain to try to comprehend.  All I know at the moment is that I'm lost.  I will be found again, I know that.  I will survive, I always do.  But I am not sure my soul is going to sing the way it has in the past for a very long time and that makes me so sad.  I miss that feeling....that excited, joyful feeling.  I know it will pass.  I know I'll feel better.  But right now it feels like this has been building up and I've been fighting it for so long.  I surrender.  I give up.  I will learn to adjust to this feeling if I have to.  When it's time my soul will sing again, a new tune, a different song....I hope that I will learn to accept the new song and allow it to light up my life again.  In the meantime, it's just a day in the life......

Happy 2019!

Well it's the beginning of a whole new book....a 365 day one.  I was all about kicking 2018 to the curb and then yesterday morning on my face book memories the last 6 New Years eve posts were in my face.  Well....3 of the 6.  I realized the years that I posted good riddance to that year posts were years I was really unhappy at that moment.  If I truly look back on every year there were amazing moments and equally as painful ones.  So why throw the baby out with the bath water (as my mommy always said and I had NO clue what it meant at the time).?  Life isn't perfect.  There are ALWAYS going to be horrible times.  But there are also beautiful, magical, incredible times thrown in there.  Why don't we remember those moments?  Why do we focus on the bad?  I came up with so many amazing things this year that happened and the negative things were all lessons to bring me to the place I'm at today.  I did a quick inventory of the last 6 years and realized they were all the same.  Even 2015, which was by far the worst year I can remember was completed in such a perfect and magical way that I only remember that beautiful magic when I think of it.  The last two NYE did not have a face book post because they were blissful.  Perfect, blissful endings.  So.....even though those years had really hard times during them the end justified the means.  It becomes a bit of "what have you done for me lately".  Don't we treat the people we love like that sometimes?  I remember my son reminding me of my habit of doing this.....I was really pissed at something he wasn't doing (taking out the garbage?  dishes?  who can remember)  and he quickly reminded me of all the things he was doing right and why wasn't I acknowledging them?  Why was I focused only on the things he was doing wrong? Wow!  Wake up call.  I realized at that moment that I needed to change the way I looked at things.  Over the last probably 6 years since he said that to me I have.  I definitely count my blessings more and my hardships less.  I can turn any situation around and find the good in it.   So....2018 let's go!  My oldest son broke his 8 month silence with me and we repaired our relationship and are now closer than we have ever been (and we used to be pretttttyyy close so that's saying a lot), the prayers I said relentlessly for him were heard and have been answered.  I can see why that separation had to happen....I can see why all the pain he's been through over the last 7 years occurred.  My younger son moved to North Carolina and at the last minute I chose not to go.  As a result,  my daughter stayed at her current school for High School and as a result became a Varsity Cheerleader and has really come out of her shell.... I took on a new role at my company and it has allowed us to live in a beautiful home and have a different lifestyle.  My son and his wife were able to begin their life together truly on their own, without any family or friends nearby which bonded them together even tighter.  See what I'm doing here?  I'm taking the pain of my oldest not speaking to me and the pain of my younger son moving away and I'm looking at the good things that happened as a result!  Can you do that?  I'm sure if you give it a try you can.  Now do that everyday, with every negative thing you focus on.  Some are harder than others, but I promise you it's possible.  And before you know it....you're living an amazing, beautiful, divinely guided life.

So, 2019....welcome.  Thank you in advance for the glorious things you have planned.  And I promise....when I don't get my way and you show me things I don't really want....I'll forgive you and I'll look deeper for your reasons.  And next year....when it's time to say goodbye....I'll remember you fondly both good and bad.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be Thankful for what you got.....

Happy Thanksgiving!  As I sit in the quiet this morning....the bird is stuffed and in the oven...the pies are made...side dishes all simmering and my coffee in hand I am swept up in memories of Thanksgivings past.  I realized this year, with the help of my oldest and youngest children, that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  Took me 53 years to realize that.  And it took my walk down memory lane to recall why.  This year is much different in a lot of ways, but I am thankful and peaceful nonetheless.  I realized that I have made Thanksgiving dinner for 30 years.  The only year I didn't was the year I was moving from NY to Arizona and my entire house was packed and we had one last complete extended family dinner at my sister's.  There have been odd years here and there where we celebrated the actual holiday at someone elses' home, but I always made a complete dinner for my family to enjoy after.  When we lived in New York Thanksgiving was my holiday.  I hosted my family and my in laws and basically anyone who didn't have a place to go every year.  I have a full set of Thanksgiving dishes and napkins and tablecloths and gold silverware....specifically designated for this day.  How did I not realize it was my favorite holiday? 

I have come to despise black Friday as it now swallows up Thanksgiving.  My oldest is working from 12-8 today....my middle son and daughter in law worked until 3 am last night and are working at 5 pm today.  Last year we had dinner super early so that we could at least eat together.  This year....my dad has decided not to take the trip up to be with us, and unfortunately my schedule won't allow me to go there.  Plus, I missed Thanksgiving with my oldest last year because he was in New Jersey and I don't want him alone today.  My cream filling son and his bride are now 10 hours away and working all day so that's not happening.  This is our first Thanksgiving apart and it is hitting me far harder than I imagined.  I miss them.  Last year I bought matching Christmas pajamas for my daughter, daughter in law and myself specifically to wear on Thanksgiving morning....well one pair is sitting here unopened.  Last year the girls helped me cut and mix and prepare.  This year it was just my daughter and me and my daughter in laws presence was missed.  20 years ago I started a tradition of giving my oldest a Nutcracker and my younger son a snowman on Thanksgiving morning.  My plan was that when they got married they'd have a whole bunch of Christmas decorations for their new home.  When my daughter came along I added angels to the mix (she later changed hers to snow globes and keeps hers out in her room all year).  Their dad always got them an ornament that had some significance of what their interests were that year.  Once we got divorced I continued that tradition as well.  Again, thinking they'd have a whole tree worth of ornaments when they moved out.  This summer I had to give over those snowmen....and last month the ornaments too.  Wow.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I'm crying as I type it.  He's not going to be here to do the tree this year....his ornaments won't be on it....his snowmen won't be placed all over my home....ok, this is NOT what was supposed to be in this blog post.  Ok, back to Thanksgiving.  The picture above is this morning's table, waiting for my oldest and youngest to come down.  I sent Elves to my middlest and his bride because my daughter in law was a bit over the 20 snowmen that would now be in her home lol, I had to switch it up.  I have their ornament here...ready to be mailed....it's surreal to me still.  It's bittersweet....no that's a lie....it's just bitter, I want them here. 

This is our first year in this home.  My daughter asked me yesterday while we were chopping and sauteing and mixing which house I liked preparing dinner in the most, 780 (the house in Arizona that we had built) or this one.....this one for sure I replied.  This kitchen is just perfect for me.  As I looked around this morning after putting the turkey in the oven I envisioned a much different Thanksgiving next year.  The one I've been dreaming about for a few years now....next year it will happen.  This year, I will be thankful for getting through this year of turmoil intact....for my son's beautiful wedding last month and having my whole family together for a short moment....I'm thankful for my crazy, chaotic job and all the blessings that come with that....I'm thankful my family is happy and healthy ....I'm thankful to spend today with my sweet friend and her family....I'm eternally grateful to have my oldest son back whole and complete and our relationship healed and stronger than ever before....I'm thankful for my youngest son and the bond that we have and the fact that it is still as strong as ever despite the physical distance between us....I'm thankful for my daughter in law and the joy and peace she adds to our family....I'm thankful for my beautiful daughter who is strong and smart and knows me better than I know myself sometimes....I'm thankful that my dad is healthy and happy and enjoying his life again....I'm thankful for my siblings and their families and the fact that distance doesn't change the love we have for each other..the list goes on and on.  I know all of this....I know how lucky I am and I am so very thankful.....life is changing rapidly and somethings will always bring sadness during this time.  I miss my mother more every holiday....instead of it getting easier it actually gets harder.  As much as I try to focus on the joys and blessings there is a part of me that is sad and wishes things were different in specific ways....but I know that God's timing and His plan will bring it all together.  Next Thanksgiving I will own it!  It will be the biggest bird I've ever cooked instead of the smallest....now that I've realized it's my favorite holiday who knows what the next 30 Thanksgiving's will bring?  I know that they will always include my thankful heart and the joy that I'm looking for....because after all.....it's just a day in the life.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven my beautiful mommy!

Dear Mommy

Well another year has passed and I'm not gonna lie woman, I am missing you more and more.  It's supposed to get easier but for me it's harder than ever.  I was driving the other day and feeling so lonely and I needed to talk to someone and everyone I could think of would not have been able to answer, or would not have answered and I thought....I could ALWAYS call my mom she would always answer.  Thank you for those signs that day.  I knew you heard me!  Thank you for showing RJ
you are around him too, that is so important!  Keep watching over Daddy and helping him, he's doing so well and I know you're behind that.

You are a great grandmother and I'm sure you are watching over little JBC and loving her laugh and her beautiful cheeks.  Keep guiding their beautiful family.   The Bella is getting married next year and I'm sure you were with her when she got engaged and bought her house and got her dress....continue to keep her on this path of happiness she is walking.  Please keep watching over your namesake.  She is so beautiful, inside and out, and she is starting another huge transformation period in her life, stay by her side.  Stay vigilant with Pickolaus as he grows and becomes the incredible man he's becoming.  Help him continue to make good choices and follow his heart.

Stay with my oldest and keep him strong.  Help him stay the path and keep doing what he's doing  Thank you for guiding him back to me and his siblings.  It is the best part of this year so far for sure! And my beautiful princess....how she misses you!  Thank you for drying her tears and hearing her prayers and wishes.   She doesn't always open up to me, but I know between you and her brother she always has open ears to listen to her.  Help her continue to stay true to the beautiful soul that she is.

And last but not least......DTM.  He's getting married tomorrow mommy!  Married!  our little man.  Mommy please please please be with us all tomorrow.  He's got a seat saved in the front row for you.  He is so happy mom...they are so in love.  They remind me so much of you and daddy.  Praise God for that.  He is such an incredible man.  Thank you for always seeing the good behind his mischief.   For always seeing his kind heart and being such a huge part of his life.  Please continue to be apart of their marriage and their lives.  Keep his beautiful wife under your wing and guide her to be the best wife possible for our little man.

We got news this week that you might be getting some company up there.  I'm sure you're aware.  Please welcome her with open arms and make her some lintzer tarts to celebrate her being reunited with the love of her life!  Please comfort her children and grandchildren as they learn to cope

I miss you mommy....life is so different than what I thought it would be.  Please help me adjust to all these crazy changes.  What I would give to talk to you one more time.  I could really use my mommy right about now.   Although I know you're always here it's just not the same.  Please work your magic and keep us all healthy and strong the way you made us!  I love you mommy.  Happy 84th birthday beautiful angel.  I miss you xoxox

And a man shall leave his mother and a .....now wait JUST a minute!

The famous wedding song, There is Love....the words have been going on in my head over and over with my youngest son's wedding just a few days away.  "And a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home....they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one".  Ok, first of all I never noticed before how one sided that is.  I used to think it was because the woman didn't leave her family, (because as that annoying phrase says "a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life"  )  however.....for this mother....it means so much.  My son isn't leaving home, he is leaving his mother because she's the home to him.  Well, my son left home a few months back....but leave me?  No way.  Not a day goes by that we aren't in communication.  I don't see that ending any time ever.  He called me the other day with some concerns/frustrations he just wanted to vent.  Sometimes you just need your mom.  It doesn't matter what gender you are!  I have long in depth conversations with my sons consistently and my daughter, she's quieter.  She prefers to solve things on her own without talking about it right away.  I had a conversation with a friend the other day.  His mother was in the hospital and has been struggling for some time now.  She told him she was tired and didn't want to do this anymore.  He was beside himself at the thought of losing her.  I relate to that.  First of all because I know his mother and I love her so very deeply myself.  But also, because I'm missing my own mom so much right now some days I don't think I can bear it.  Yesterday I was driving and just crying my eyes out to the point where I almost had to pull over.  And I looked up and there was a rainbow....and the song came in my head "Somewhere over the rainbow....bluebirds fly"....it was my mom.  I instantly knew it was all going to be okay. And driving home after that the rainbow ended at my house.   Thank you mommy.

I've been having this overwhelming feeling of wanting to go home lately.  I found this article and it says you can be homesick for a time and place that no longer exists.  That seemed to be so accurate for me.  The many seemingly rapid changes in my life and realizations of things that will never be again have been too much for me.  I don't even know where I'm going with this....oh yes, sons leaving their mothers. This morning started with a group text from my son saying See you all tomorrow with an obnoxious Sponge Bob meme.  Omg my daughter freaked out, she thought he wasn't coming until Tuesday.  I was getting a pedicure this morning while my daughter was getting her nails done for the wedding and my phone started blowing up with my son asking me to tell his sister to pick up her phone!  I told him I HAD her phone she was getting her nails done.   As soon as she was done she grabbed her phone, went outside and was face timing her brother.  He's not leaving anyone! I will admit that I see a difference now that he and his soon to be bride are living on their own.  They are even more of a unit and even though they are part of us, they are their own family.  That's how it's supposed to be!  But that doesn't mean you have to lose one to gain the other. 

The signs keep coming too.  Today on Facebook an old friend of my brothers posted a video of John Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders" which is my song with my youngest son.  I was instantly transported back to his nursery and was in the rocking chair with him in my arms and singing that song to him.  The tears were streaming down my face but I have such joy in my heart that we are at the place we are right now.  He is set to marry the love of his life in 4 short days.  His entire future is brightly ahead of him.  That's what I wished for on that day so long ago when I first sang that song to him!

I just tried on my dress again for the wedding and I burst into tears.  No, I don't look THAT bad 😉 truthfully?  Thinking of seeing both of my sons up there at the altar in their tuxedos, together on that day just makes me weak in the knees.  This time last year we didn't think that would happen.  So many things are not as we thought they would be at this moment in time.  Some better than expected, some undeniably heartbreaking, but no matter what it will be a perfect day for them.  A day they will cherish for the rest of their lives. It will be so much more than a day in the life.