We are family....And we fly just like birds of a feather I will tell no lie

What a difference a week makes.  Last week we were celebrating my niece's wedding.... This week family reunion with my ex husband.  Polar opposite experiences.  My kids haven't seen their father since October at my son's wedding.  My oldest saw him for an hour on Christmas but that's about it.  They all have different levels of interaction with him on a text/phone call level.  I don't ask about it so unless they mention anything I'm not aware.  I know my daughter has no interaction at all with him and my sons are grown men their relationship with their Dad has nothing to do with me.... except for days like this.  My ex is a very persistent man when he makes up his mind.  In this situation he had it in his head to bring Chinese food over and spend the day with the kids....at my house....with me. Sigh.  My daughter wants nothing to do with him so that makes it really awkward. I don't care if he's here honestly.  It doesn't bother me.  I feel sympathy for him even though I shouldn't.  We've been divorced for 7 years and he's seen the kids  less than 50 times..... Yes you read that right.  Even when we lived 5 minutes away for the first 4 And a half years.  He never saw where my sons went to college.  He's never been to my daughter's school.  He was respecting their wishes you could say.  I'm not trying to villainize my ex.  He's financially taken care of his children above and beyond what he needs to... He is there for me whenever I need him.... He's not a bad man. I've told my kids their whole lives that he does the best he can.  To my daughter it's not enough.  He's a stranger to her. My sons are developing some form of relationship with him on their terms. This weekend?  Was not on their terms.  Their Dad was being persistent and they were getting frustrated trying to appease him and not make me spend the day with him and not upset their sister. So I took one for the team.  It was fine.  He arrived while my kids were either working or still sleeping. As they woke up and came home from work we gathered around the table to eat..  I removed myself for a bit while he talked to our sons and the girls watched a movie in the other room.  When he left the 5 of us gathered around the island in the kitchen and took a deep breath.  We're all big on energy and how people's energy affects a room.  We realize how much we rely on the Happy positive energy we have in this house. They remarked how it was like having their crazy Uncle visit rather then their Dad.  That's when it got me... why I feel sorry for my ex. Not only did he lose me... which  he regrets... He has no idea who our children are as human beings.   He knows nothing about them.  His conversations with them are mere cliche/catch phrase conversations and sound bites. Wow.  That hurts my heart. He got our daughter in laws name right at least my daughter joked.  These moments... gathered around the island in the kitchen have become a Friday and Saturday night staple in our home. And I know my son and daughter in law will be back in their own place soon and it won't be as frequent.... But these are the moments that bond us tighter.  We have deep... meaningful... life changing conversations with each other....I can't imagine my life without these. While in NY last week we noticed that there is always background noise..a TV on... Music... not in my house.  My sister commented last week that my kids and I are always talking to each other... that she's  never seen a family talk as much as we do.  I can't imagine it any other way.  Communication is the key to closeness and truly knowing someone.  I pray to God we always remain connected this way....I thank God for my daughter in law and her ability to embrace it and become part of it so easily. I pray that when we add additional members that they embrace it as well.... because this is my legacy... my purpose.... and so much more then just a day in the life....

White lace and promises....a kiss for luck and we're on our way

I was just in New York for my niece's wedding.  My son got married in October and it's such a blessing for us to have such incredible celebrations so close together.  We just keep adding members and it's true that there's strength in numbers.  It was an incredible day.... perfect from beginning to end. It was the first time my daughter in law met my extended family (cousins... second cousins... my sister in laws amazing family and their friends that are family).  For me it feels like being home.  Even though we only see each other every few years it feels like we've never been separated.

Watching my kids with their cousins now that they're all grown is truly magical.  They're friends now in addition to family.  They love being together and it makes me sad that it doesn't happen more often.   To be honest even if we all lived in the same place our lives wouldn't allow it all the time anyway, and maybe the rarity adds to the magic of it.  

Hearing my niece say her vows I was overwhelmed with a flood of memories long forgotten.  She was a breathtakingly beautiful bride.... her beauty however begins inside.  She's always had a heart of gold and to see her at this point at her life....a beautiful home... an equally amazing man by her side.... nothing but happiness ahead of them.... it brought me to tears.  She is so deserving of every moment of it.   I have a tendency to forget bad times....I focus on the good.... but her path wasn't an easy one.    And she's a true testament to what my family is about. We're strong.... we have faith beyond measure and we count our blessings even when things are less then happy.

My brother and sister in law have raised amazing humans.  It seems so long ago that we spent nearly every weekend together when their oldest two were small.  My oldest was a few weeks old when he experienced his first little league game for his cousins.  We moved away when my daughter was a mere year old.... you would never know it. Her cousins are among the few people she lets into her bubble.  I really can't stop the tears from flowing right now, reliving the memories of this weekend.  When I see my middle and my youngest interact I'm reminded so often of my relationship with my brother (also the middle and youngest).  We were always connected in a way that most don't get. A mere glance in the other's direction or a simple phrase can make us burst into side splitting laughter. Watching him "give his daughter away" was so emotional for me.  He's a great dad.  My beautiful sister in law (looking more like the sister of the bride than the mother) has been a shoulder for me during this time of "letting go" helping me navigate the waters she's tested before me.  These are the moments we wait for.... the moments we cherish.... watching them become the adults we hoped they'd be and yet always return to the nucleus of our family..... How blessed we are.  Family after all is where life begins and love never ends and I'm so blessed with the one I've got.  

Not all who wander are lost....but some who don't wander are....

Lost.  I'm lost these days.  I don't wander.  I'm never far from home.  I stay close to those I love and I don't stray from who I am.  The problem is my soul is restless.  It is lost at the current moment.  I cannot focus or find joy for more than a moment at a time.  This is not me. This is not even remotely anything like me.....actually, it reminds me of the me from a long long time ago....before I was awakened.... Even in moments when I would normally feel happy and I AM on the outside, my soul is not.  My soul is longing for something and it will not rest.  Anyone who knows me knows all I've ever wanted is happiness and peace in my soul and for those I love.  I had it for a while.   Even though outside it seemed my world was chaotic and crazy and crumbling.....my soul was at peace, I knew in my heart of hearts that everything would be okay.  I still know that everything will be okay, but I'm not certain how that okay looks....and I'm tired.  My soul is tired of waiting for that peace and joy to return.  It is frustrated because no matter how I spin it or try to find the blessings in my current situation and focus on the gratitude for all the good things I have in my life (there are SO many!) my soul is lost.

My kids and I have been hitting Disney World on Fridays since the New Year.  We have had SO much fun and I've loved the time together...but while I'm there it's like I'm not.  It's like my soul is watching my physical self laugh and joke and make memories, but my soul isn't present in my body.  I know a lot of people will read this and think I'm not making any sense.  That's ok.  I just needed to get it out.  I feel like I am two people.  I'm angry.  I want to be happy.  I want to embrace these moments.  But I'm not fully in it.  Some might say I'm depressed....I have been depressed before, this is not it.  This is some kind of soul expansion or huge shift in my life.  I'm going to be 54 years old in a few days....how many more shifts and changes do I have to go through?  At the moment I feel like I just want to turn it all off.  My feelings, my thoughts, my awareness....my intuition.  The signs I get mean nothing anymore.  It's hard for me to admit that, but I've lost hope.  I feel like it's all been a huge trick.  Dangling a carrot in front of me, promising this extraordinary life that I've had glimpses of.  But what if this is it?  What if this is all there is?  Most people would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  For my kids alone.  I have given birth to three incredible, loving, devoted, brilliant, amazing human beings and they are so so good to me.  Normally, in the past that was always enough for me.  That alone gave me joy and peace.  I want more.  I need more. I feel like Belle in the beginning of Beauty and the Beast when she sings "Belle".  My soul is looking for something and I don't know how to fix it.

My first born and I discuss spiritual things every day.  He is so knowledgeable about the planets and how it affects us.  Our birth charts, the list goes on.  Normally I love listening to his take on it....today I just asked him to please let me just rest and take care of myself without trying to make sense of it.  It was hurting my brain to try to comprehend.  All I know at the moment is that I'm lost.  I will be found again, I know that.  I will survive, I always do.  But I am not sure my soul is going to sing the way it has in the past for a very long time and that makes me so sad.  I miss that feeling....that excited, joyful feeling.  I know it will pass.  I know I'll feel better.  But right now it feels like this has been building up and I've been fighting it for so long.  I surrender.  I give up.  I will learn to adjust to this feeling if I have to.  When it's time my soul will sing again, a new tune, a different song....I hope that I will learn to accept the new song and allow it to light up my life again.  In the meantime, it's just a day in the life......

Happy 2019!

Well it's the beginning of a whole new book....a 365 day one.  I was all about kicking 2018 to the curb and then yesterday morning on my face book memories the last 6 New Years eve posts were in my face.  Well....3 of the 6.  I realized the years that I posted good riddance to that year posts were years I was really unhappy at that moment.  If I truly look back on every year there were amazing moments and equally as painful ones.  So why throw the baby out with the bath water (as my mommy always said and I had NO clue what it meant at the time).?  Life isn't perfect.  There are ALWAYS going to be horrible times.  But there are also beautiful, magical, incredible times thrown in there.  Why don't we remember those moments?  Why do we focus on the bad?  I came up with so many amazing things this year that happened and the negative things were all lessons to bring me to the place I'm at today.  I did a quick inventory of the last 6 years and realized they were all the same.  Even 2015, which was by far the worst year I can remember was completed in such a perfect and magical way that I only remember that beautiful magic when I think of it.  The last two NYE did not have a face book post because they were blissful.  Perfect, blissful endings.  So.....even though those years had really hard times during them the end justified the means.  It becomes a bit of "what have you done for me lately".  Don't we treat the people we love like that sometimes?  I remember my son reminding me of my habit of doing this.....I was really pissed at something he wasn't doing (taking out the garbage?  dishes?  who can remember)  and he quickly reminded me of all the things he was doing right and why wasn't I acknowledging them?  Why was I focused only on the things he was doing wrong? Wow!  Wake up call.  I realized at that moment that I needed to change the way I looked at things.  Over the last probably 6 years since he said that to me I have.  I definitely count my blessings more and my hardships less.  I can turn any situation around and find the good in it.   So....2018 let's go!  My oldest son broke his 8 month silence with me and we repaired our relationship and are now closer than we have ever been (and we used to be pretttttyyy close so that's saying a lot), the prayers I said relentlessly for him were heard and have been answered.  I can see why that separation had to happen....I can see why all the pain he's been through over the last 7 years occurred.  My younger son moved to North Carolina and at the last minute I chose not to go.  As a result,  my daughter stayed at her current school for High School and as a result became a Varsity Cheerleader and has really come out of her shell.... I took on a new role at my company and it has allowed us to live in a beautiful home and have a different lifestyle.  My son and his wife were able to begin their life together truly on their own, without any family or friends nearby which bonded them together even tighter.  See what I'm doing here?  I'm taking the pain of my oldest not speaking to me and the pain of my younger son moving away and I'm looking at the good things that happened as a result!  Can you do that?  I'm sure if you give it a try you can.  Now do that everyday, with every negative thing you focus on.  Some are harder than others, but I promise you it's possible.  And before you know it....you're living an amazing, beautiful, divinely guided life.

So, 2019....welcome.  Thank you in advance for the glorious things you have planned.  And I promise....when I don't get my way and you show me things I don't really want....I'll forgive you and I'll look deeper for your reasons.  And next year....when it's time to say goodbye....I'll remember you fondly both good and bad.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be Thankful for what you got.....

Happy Thanksgiving!  As I sit in the quiet this morning....the bird is stuffed and in the oven...the pies are made...side dishes all simmering and my coffee in hand I am swept up in memories of Thanksgivings past.  I realized this year, with the help of my oldest and youngest children, that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  Took me 53 years to realize that.  And it took my walk down memory lane to recall why.  This year is much different in a lot of ways, but I am thankful and peaceful nonetheless.  I realized that I have made Thanksgiving dinner for 30 years.  The only year I didn't was the year I was moving from NY to Arizona and my entire house was packed and we had one last complete extended family dinner at my sister's.  There have been odd years here and there where we celebrated the actual holiday at someone elses' home, but I always made a complete dinner for my family to enjoy after.  When we lived in New York Thanksgiving was my holiday.  I hosted my family and my in laws and basically anyone who didn't have a place to go every year.  I have a full set of Thanksgiving dishes and napkins and tablecloths and gold silverware....specifically designated for this day.  How did I not realize it was my favorite holiday? 

I have come to despise black Friday as it now swallows up Thanksgiving.  My oldest is working from 12-8 today....my middle son and daughter in law worked until 3 am last night and are working at 5 pm today.  Last year we had dinner super early so that we could at least eat together.  This year....my dad has decided not to take the trip up to be with us, and unfortunately my schedule won't allow me to go there.  Plus, I missed Thanksgiving with my oldest last year because he was in New Jersey and I don't want him alone today.  My cream filling son and his bride are now 10 hours away and working all day so that's not happening.  This is our first Thanksgiving apart and it is hitting me far harder than I imagined.  I miss them.  Last year I bought matching Christmas pajamas for my daughter, daughter in law and myself specifically to wear on Thanksgiving morning....well one pair is sitting here unopened.  Last year the girls helped me cut and mix and prepare.  This year it was just my daughter and me and my daughter in laws presence was missed.  20 years ago I started a tradition of giving my oldest a Nutcracker and my younger son a snowman on Thanksgiving morning.  My plan was that when they got married they'd have a whole bunch of Christmas decorations for their new home.  When my daughter came along I added angels to the mix (she later changed hers to snow globes and keeps hers out in her room all year).  Their dad always got them an ornament that had some significance of what their interests were that year.  Once we got divorced I continued that tradition as well.  Again, thinking they'd have a whole tree worth of ornaments when they moved out.  This summer I had to give over those snowmen....and last month the ornaments too.  Wow.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I'm crying as I type it.  He's not going to be here to do the tree this year....his ornaments won't be on it....his snowmen won't be placed all over my home....ok, this is NOT what was supposed to be in this blog post.  Ok, back to Thanksgiving.  The picture above is this morning's table, waiting for my oldest and youngest to come down.  I sent Elves to my middlest and his bride because my daughter in law was a bit over the 20 snowmen that would now be in her home lol, I had to switch it up.  I have their ornament here...ready to be mailed....it's surreal to me still.  It's bittersweet....no that's a lie....it's just bitter, I want them here. 

This is our first year in this home.  My daughter asked me yesterday while we were chopping and sauteing and mixing which house I liked preparing dinner in the most, 780 (the house in Arizona that we had built) or this one.....this one for sure I replied.  This kitchen is just perfect for me.  As I looked around this morning after putting the turkey in the oven I envisioned a much different Thanksgiving next year.  The one I've been dreaming about for a few years now....next year it will happen.  This year, I will be thankful for getting through this year of turmoil intact....for my son's beautiful wedding last month and having my whole family together for a short moment....I'm thankful for my crazy, chaotic job and all the blessings that come with that....I'm thankful my family is happy and healthy ....I'm thankful to spend today with my sweet friend and her family....I'm eternally grateful to have my oldest son back whole and complete and our relationship healed and stronger than ever before....I'm thankful for my youngest son and the bond that we have and the fact that it is still as strong as ever despite the physical distance between us....I'm thankful for my daughter in law and the joy and peace she adds to our family....I'm thankful for my beautiful daughter who is strong and smart and knows me better than I know myself sometimes....I'm thankful that my dad is healthy and happy and enjoying his life again....I'm thankful for my siblings and their families and the fact that distance doesn't change the love we have for each other..the list goes on and on.  I know all of this....I know how lucky I am and I am so very thankful.....life is changing rapidly and somethings will always bring sadness during this time.  I miss my mother more every holiday....instead of it getting easier it actually gets harder.  As much as I try to focus on the joys and blessings there is a part of me that is sad and wishes things were different in specific ways....but I know that God's timing and His plan will bring it all together.  Next Thanksgiving I will own it!  It will be the biggest bird I've ever cooked instead of the smallest....now that I've realized it's my favorite holiday who knows what the next 30 Thanksgiving's will bring?  I know that they will always include my thankful heart and the joy that I'm looking for....because after all.....it's just a day in the life.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven my beautiful mommy!

Dear Mommy

Well another year has passed and I'm not gonna lie woman, I am missing you more and more.  It's supposed to get easier but for me it's harder than ever.  I was driving the other day and feeling so lonely and I needed to talk to someone and everyone I could think of would not have been able to answer, or would not have answered and I thought....I could ALWAYS call my mom she would always answer.  Thank you for those signs that day.  I knew you heard me!  Thank you for showing RJ
you are around him too, that is so important!  Keep watching over Daddy and helping him, he's doing so well and I know you're behind that.

You are a great grandmother and I'm sure you are watching over little JBC and loving her laugh and her beautiful cheeks.  Keep guiding their beautiful family.   The Bella is getting married next year and I'm sure you were with her when she got engaged and bought her house and got her dress....continue to keep her on this path of happiness she is walking.  Please keep watching over your namesake.  She is so beautiful, inside and out, and she is starting another huge transformation period in her life, stay by her side.  Stay vigilant with Pickolaus as he grows and becomes the incredible man he's becoming.  Help him continue to make good choices and follow his heart.

Stay with my oldest and keep him strong.  Help him stay the path and keep doing what he's doing  Thank you for guiding him back to me and his siblings.  It is the best part of this year so far for sure! And my beautiful princess....how she misses you!  Thank you for drying her tears and hearing her prayers and wishes.   She doesn't always open up to me, but I know between you and her brother she always has open ears to listen to her.  Help her continue to stay true to the beautiful soul that she is.

And last but not least......DTM.  He's getting married tomorrow mommy!  Married!  our little man.  Mommy please please please be with us all tomorrow.  He's got a seat saved in the front row for you.  He is so happy mom...they are so in love.  They remind me so much of you and daddy.  Praise God for that.  He is such an incredible man.  Thank you for always seeing the good behind his mischief.   For always seeing his kind heart and being such a huge part of his life.  Please continue to be apart of their marriage and their lives.  Keep his beautiful wife under your wing and guide her to be the best wife possible for our little man.

We got news this week that you might be getting some company up there.  I'm sure you're aware.  Please welcome her with open arms and make her some lintzer tarts to celebrate her being reunited with the love of her life!  Please comfort her children and grandchildren as they learn to cope

I miss you mommy....life is so different than what I thought it would be.  Please help me adjust to all these crazy changes.  What I would give to talk to you one more time.  I could really use my mommy right about now.   Although I know you're always here it's just not the same.  Please work your magic and keep us all healthy and strong the way you made us!  I love you mommy.  Happy 84th birthday beautiful angel.  I miss you xoxox

And a man shall leave his mother and a .....now wait JUST a minute!

The famous wedding song, There is Love....the words have been going on in my head over and over with my youngest son's wedding just a few days away.  "And a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home....they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one".  Ok, first of all I never noticed before how one sided that is.  I used to think it was because the woman didn't leave her family, (because as that annoying phrase says "a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life"  )  however.....for this mother....it means so much.  My son isn't leaving home, he is leaving his mother because she's the home to him.  Well, my son left home a few months back....but leave me?  No way.  Not a day goes by that we aren't in communication.  I don't see that ending any time ever.  He called me the other day with some concerns/frustrations he just wanted to vent.  Sometimes you just need your mom.  It doesn't matter what gender you are!  I have long in depth conversations with my sons consistently and my daughter, she's quieter.  She prefers to solve things on her own without talking about it right away.  I had a conversation with a friend the other day.  His mother was in the hospital and has been struggling for some time now.  She told him she was tired and didn't want to do this anymore.  He was beside himself at the thought of losing her.  I relate to that.  First of all because I know his mother and I love her so very deeply myself.  But also, because I'm missing my own mom so much right now some days I don't think I can bear it.  Yesterday I was driving and just crying my eyes out to the point where I almost had to pull over.  And I looked up and there was a rainbow....and the song came in my head "Somewhere over the rainbow....bluebirds fly"....it was my mom.  I instantly knew it was all going to be okay. And driving home after that the rainbow ended at my house.   Thank you mommy.

I've been having this overwhelming feeling of wanting to go home lately.  I found this article and it says you can be homesick for a time and place that no longer exists.  That seemed to be so accurate for me.  The many seemingly rapid changes in my life and realizations of things that will never be again have been too much for me.  I don't even know where I'm going with this....oh yes, sons leaving their mothers. This morning started with a group text from my son saying See you all tomorrow with an obnoxious Sponge Bob meme.  Omg my daughter freaked out, she thought he wasn't coming until Tuesday.  I was getting a pedicure this morning while my daughter was getting her nails done for the wedding and my phone started blowing up with my son asking me to tell his sister to pick up her phone!  I told him I HAD her phone she was getting her nails done.   As soon as she was done she grabbed her phone, went outside and was face timing her brother.  He's not leaving anyone! I will admit that I see a difference now that he and his soon to be bride are living on their own.  They are even more of a unit and even though they are part of us, they are their own family.  That's how it's supposed to be!  But that doesn't mean you have to lose one to gain the other. 

The signs keep coming too.  Today on Facebook an old friend of my brothers posted a video of John Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders" which is my song with my youngest son.  I was instantly transported back to his nursery and was in the rocking chair with him in my arms and singing that song to him.  The tears were streaming down my face but I have such joy in my heart that we are at the place we are right now.  He is set to marry the love of his life in 4 short days.  His entire future is brightly ahead of him.  That's what I wished for on that day so long ago when I first sang that song to him!

I just tried on my dress again for the wedding and I burst into tears.  No, I don't look THAT bad 😉 truthfully?  Thinking of seeing both of my sons up there at the altar in their tuxedos, together on that day just makes me weak in the knees.  This time last year we didn't think that would happen.  So many things are not as we thought they would be at this moment in time.  Some better than expected, some undeniably heartbreaking, but no matter what it will be a perfect day for them.  A day they will cherish for the rest of their lives. It will be so much more than a day in the life.

You are more than your paycheck......

Today is Friday....game day.  I dropped my daughter at school dressed in her cheer uniform.  We don't talk on the 5 minute ride to school.  She's usually pretty cranky in the morning and truth be told I'm not a ray of sunshine lately either.  I picked her up 7 hours later and a different girl got in my car.  She was yelling over her shoulder at the football players gathered at the door, there was a pep in her step.  She got in the car all smiles.  I said "you love that uniform don't you?"  She laughed and said it gave her confidence.  Not because she belongs to me but my daughter is stunning.  She's the whole package....gorgeous, smart, funny, fit.....yet she needs a uniform to give her confidence?!?!  I thought back to my son and baseball.  He had a certain swagger when he was wearing his uniform....hmmm  maybe I'm on to something.  Then I got to thinking about all those years when I was a stay at home mom and people would as me "What do you do?"  What do I DO?   Ummmm I'm a stay at home mom.  Instantly their eyes would glaze over and they would go on to someone else to have a conversation with.  Oh, I'm SORRY....is raising decent human beings not enough of a goal or "career?"  I didn't really give it much thought until I was divorced AND still a stay at home mom.  Yea, people had a field day with that one.  I used to wonder how and why people put so much emphasis on their career.  Shouldn't you work to live, not live to work?  Shouldn't your self worth be based on the type of person you are, not how you earn a living?.I hadn't had a "real job" in nearly 24 years so I thought maybe I was uneducated   Well all of that changed this year.  I'm out in the "real" world working.  I love my job, most days.  It's a huge adjustment for me and my kids.  My son was here a few weeks back and I was cooking and on the computer and answering calls and texts at the same time.  I would hang up and my phone would ring again.  He flipped his head around and said "Is this for REAL?"  I couldn't help but laugh...I said this is my life now dude....I'm multi tasking all over the place.  But is my job so important?  Well to the owners and guests I take care of....if I didn't do it then yes it would be.  But am I really making a difference in the world by how I earn a living?  No....and unless you are a teacher, or a doctor or a soldier, or police officer etc.....neither are you!  You might be making a difference in your job but it's by the interaction you have with the people you deal with.  It's not your job that's making a difference-----its you as a human being!

I have always been someone who needs to do everything "right" and be the best at whatever it is I'm doing.  Now since the Pinterest days have come around I no longer make the best looking anything out there (except children 😉) and I'm okay with that.  It's not important to me what other people think.  So long as I know I've done my best that's all I can do..  Now with that being said my challenge in my job is that sometimes no matter what I do my best won't be good enough for someone.  I'm learning to be okay with that.  But do I place my self worth on my job?  Absolutely not!  My self worth comes from the relationships I have in life, in giving my all to everything I do.  It comes from having people I love and who love me.  It makes me sad that people brag about how busy they are and what they did during the work day.  Really?  Well what are you doing when you get home....you know...to the people who are supposed to be the ones who matter most?  Too tired to interact with them?  Still thinking about what happened at work?  Why?  I just don't get it....and I never will....and that....is just a day in the life...

Life's what you make it so let's make it right.....

Lately I have been realizing that God answers prayers in His way, not ours.  I prayed for my tire situation to be fixed about a month ago and my hubcap was snapped off and disappeared...no clue how or when but that tire light issue went away.  I prayed for God to change my son's heart towards me and his siblings....well, he went through hell and back but that prayer has been answered.  He is back in the fold of our family and his hugs every day give me strength and comfort like they used to.  We have long conversations and I see the boy that I raised coming through after many years of disconnect and darkness.  I asked him for a hug the other day and there were tears in my eyes.  He asked what was wrong and I said "Everything's changing"....he said like what?  I said I couldn't explain it.  He asked "Do you want to talk about it?"  That...that is my son.  The one I prayed SO hard for his return.  I said no but I thanked him....and then viola candy appeared on the counter after his next trip to the store.  It took solid years of praying and a very trying and painful time for him (and all of us) for him to return....but whatever it took I'm so grateful for that answered prayer. 

A few weeks back I was talking to my friend Jill and telling her that I missed my cream filling son.  That things were different when he was home.  I hadn't cooked since he left because my other two kids don't eat regular meals.  I cook and it lasts for a week.  It made me sad.  They are also more quiet and to themselves and my younger son and I talk about EVERYTHING all the time.  Well.....later that same day he called about evacuating for the hurricane.  He put me on speaker because he wanted to leave that day and my daughter in love wanted to wait until the next day.  She said call your mom!  She's not an alarmist so whatever she says I'll go with.  (Have I mentioned how much I LOVE THAT GIRL!).  Well after discussing it they decided to leave that day.  Within 24 hours of me uttering the words I wish he was here......he was.  Now, was it a perfect answer?  NO! They had to evacuate their home and they were scared to death.  But....those days together....all of us...reconnecting....were so needed and so priceless....I had to say "Thank you God!"  That time together also showed me that life had changed....they were their own unit, tighter than ever, and although I love having them close they can no longer live with me the way they used to.  They have made their own life and home and that's the way it is meant to be.  It was definitely a visit that needed to happen.

My point in all this ramble is that I've learned that I need to trust God always....even when I don't understand why.  Even when I don't necessarily like His methods.  Even in the time of grief and loss and pain...there is a reason.  And just because all of my prayers aren't answered that doesn't mean I'm not blessed beyond measure.  So, the next time you are angry or hurt or think you're alone.....remember......God's plan is always best.  And during those times don't forget to be grateful for all the prayers that have been answered and the ones that will be answered in the future....because today?  It's just a day in the life.....

You're everything I wish I was.....You're everything I hope to be....

I'm not sure how it happened but tomorrow is my baby girl's first day of high school.  She's my third and my last child. It's true what they say, unfortunately, that the firsts aren't as huge with the last as they are with the first.  I don't recognize the mother I was 24 years ago when I became a mother.  She was intense, scared, obsessed....the mom I see looking in the mirror today is just as passionate about her job just more relaxed.  I think, back then I felt that every milestone was taking my babies away from me.  Every first meant a last, and I had a tendency to focus on that too much.  With my baby girl I haven't done that....at ALL.  Maybe that's why I've enjoyed her childhood that much more....maybe that's why my memories are a blur sometimes....or maybe it's just because she's truly been a joy from the moment she took her first breath.  Regardless....this is a huge milestone in her life and I want to celebrate her.

She's not easy to celebrate.  Not because she's not fabulous....because she IS....more than anyone really knows.  It's because she asks for nothing.  She needs very little to be happy.  It's funny because sometimes I look at her and I just see me.  The best version of myself.  She's the evolved me.  The calmer me. The smarter me.  The peaceful me.  Who knows if it's her make up or the fact that I was very different when I gave birth to her.  My journey in the last nearly 15 years since she's been alive has been different then with my sons.  Maybe it's because she's a girl....but I don't think so.  I've heard horror stories from my friends about their daughters growing up, the defiance and attitude.  But maybe because I didn't argue with her over little things...I learned the hard lessons from my sons.  Either way she's amazing.  She's funny and smart and beautiful and flexible and incredible.  And as she prepares to start high school I just feel overwhelmed at how she handles everything.

I was going to give you a brief rundown of her last 14 years but as I started typing it it was too much.  She's been through A LOT lets just put it mildly.  And yet, she is happy every day.  She's level headed and adaptable.  She's kind and forgiving and beautiful inside and out.  She shows so few people the side of her that her brothers and I get to see.  To the rest of the world she seems quiet and reserved.  I love that about her!  She saves her best self for those she loves.  Her teachers must see some of it because they adore her, I saw that first hand when they saw that she wasn't moving to North Carolina as we originally thought. Which brings me to my cream filling son, who did move to North Carolina.  He was worried that he'd lose the closeness with his sister, because she's (like her mother) out of sight out of mind for the most part.  She's difficult to have texting or phone conversations with.  He made her promise not to shut him out and she's done her best to make sure their connection is still strong.  She's working on reconnecting with her oldest brother and to navigate the differences in these men that love her more than I've ever seen brothers love their sister.  They are her indicator of how a man should treat her.  Thank God, because they treat her like the treasure she is.  Many times as she was growing up I had to remind her brothers that she was learning about the male/female relationship from them.  She couldn't learn from her father and me because thankfully that relationship ended before she was old enough to remember.  I will never forget the day I got the strength to finally end my marriage----I looked over at my sweet little girl playing in her dollhouse and I thought....what am I teaching her?  What is she going to think marriage looks like? Two people who barely speak, don't touch and never do anything together?  No!  I would not give her that example. She's seen first hand what a relationship can be from watching her brother and future sister in law.  That was probably the best example she could have gotten over the last 4 years.  That is what I want for her. 

As she starts high school I wish her joy, I wish her a sense of belonging, I wish her the fairy tale romance she craves of meeting her future husband, I wish her a sense of purpose and fun and friends who love and support her but most of all I wish her the strength to continue to stay true to the amazing human being she is and for her to remain close to me and her brothers, always.  I wish her a future that matches the light inside of her and smooth waters ahead. I said to her "You are everything I wish I was" and she replied...."You're everything I hope to be"....and that.....is just a day in MY life.....a really amazing day.....

Where are you going my little one....

Well, it's official.  My youngest son moved to North Carolina yesterday.  It was not a pretty scene and I have not seen an improvement yet.  They left and I looked at my daughter and said "and then there were two".  I was expecting to be okay after saying goodbye.  I was convinced the goodbye part was the hard part.  I was an idiot.  As I type this tears are streaming down my face and I can't breathe.  I tried to keep busy yesterday.  I put the new headboard on my bed at the new house, started to assemble to TV stand.  Nothing is going well and everything seems to be a struggle at the new house.  From getting my gate bar code to work to nothing fitting or matching in the new space.  I figure I better take a step back before I taint that space with negative vibes.  So, we slept at the old house again last night.  Just my daughter and me and Zoey our very confused dog.  As I opened my eyes this morning I realized....I don't want to leave this house.  It's too final.  It's the final connection to what once was.  The four of us in one place.  I'm not ready.  We moved here with such hopes and dreams....the Fab Four and our two pups.  I'm leaving this home with my daughter and only one of the pups.  Two years have wreaked havoc with change in this family.  I know it's all for the best (minus poor Roxie).  My sons are men now.  Strong, capable, handsome, sensitive men.  They are moving on to the next phase of their lives and I'm so very very proud of them.  And I'm excited for them.  But I'm mourning the last phase of my life.  The phase that was the biggest part of my 53 years on this earth.  I talked to my oldest son for an hour or so last night and he was so very sweet.  Trying so hard to understand my emotions and be there for me.  While we were talking my younger son started a family group chat for the four of us so we can keep each other updated and stay connected.   I want them back.  I want them close to me again.  Not in the same house but at least in the same state.  No one prepared me for this phase of life.  I guess I was truly living in the moment and not thinking about what lies ahead.  My daughter said, in her wisdom, "well of course not mommy.  No one hands you a baby and says ok, but remember they're going to grow up and leave!"  I know this is all for the best.  I know my sons are strong and they are adaptable and they are brave enough to explore different places and experiences and I'm so very proud of them for that (and so many other things) but they aren't just my sons.....they're my very best friends.  They are my favorite people in the whole world.  How lucky am I?  But how very painful is this....I truly have never experienced a broken heart until now.   My spirit is broken at the moment.  My hope and faith and strength....all broken.  I want to shut out the world and have a "jammie" day, which is what we used to do when they were little.  But I can't.  Life has not only changed for them, it has for me as well.  I'm on my own and the only one who can get stuff done.  And there is a lot to get done because at the moment I have two houses that have basically crap all over the place.  Who is going to fix that?  Me.  I've done it so many times before but this time....this time is different.  I'm broken and tired and I want it all to go away.  I look around and think how the hell am I going to do this all by myself.  But I will, I always do.  My daughter is a HUGE help, but she's still young and a teenager who is on summer break and sleeps....A LOT  lol.  Plus I have a new job that needs to be my priority.  I am still getting used to it and I can't just stop my world anymore.  It's all good.  I know this in my heart and soul.  But right now?  At this moment?  I just am struggling to breathe.  But then I know.....it's just a day in the life.

When your heart belongs to two people at the same time

Can you love two men at the same time?  Truly love.  With all of your heart and soul? Unconditionally?

There are two men that have my heart.  One is tall and thin and has light hair and light eyes.   He's serious and quiet.  He's contemplative and still figuring himself out.  Our relationship has been bumpy and volatile at times.   My love for him has never wavered.  His love for me however has disappeared a few times.... buried under anger and blame.   It's always there deep down but sometimes I fear it will be lost forever.   We have these intense, life altering conversations that leave me a better person. I can share my internal work and spiritual thoughts with him and he shares lessons with me.   He has made me face a side of myself that isn't always easy but it's necessary.  I feel blessed that he is in my life and that I am one of the few people he allows into his world.  He had my heart first.   He captured it so abruptly and so completely I never thought I could love anyone else  that way ever again in my life.  I was wrong.

There's another man that also has my heart.  Just as strongly and completely.   My relationship with him is easier.   He's more muscular and he's got dark wavy hair and dark soft eyes.   He and I speak the same language.  He's charming and out going and I always know what he's thinking and feeling.  We lean on each other and have this connection no one else can understand. He's my biggest fan and I never have to doubt his love or his presence in my life.   He lets me know how much he needs and loves me always.   He has my back and never waivers in his devotion to me and allows my love and devotion to him exactly as it is.   He never asks me to be someone I'm not.   He shows me the best part of myself and I'm blessed and grateful every day that we have each other.

So how can I choose?  Torn between these incredible men?  It seems an impossible choice.... One that no one would ever be able to make.  And thankfully.....I don't have to.   I get to love them both.... have them both.... exactly as it is.  I don't have to limit anything or change my love for either.   How you ask?   Well it's simple..... they're my sons.... and I'm the luckiest woman alive to be their mom.

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride....

I've had enough change.  I'm ready for some stability.  After deciding to stay in Florida and coming to terms with the fact that my creme filling son will be 10 hours away, an opportunity for him to stay here in Florida came up.  I truly had to ask God what in the world was He doing to us?  Why all the pain?  Why all the confusion and changes in direction?  It makes me doubt everything I thought I knew.  I truly don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, never mind the future that I thought was so clear.  I was free falling and grasping for some form of certainty.

I went with my son the other day to order the Tuxedos for his wedding. Even the list of who is getting fitted for tuxedos was uncertain.  I was really trying to hold it together and be strong....for him.  Because I know he's struggling with leaving his sister and me.  Between us, it's killing me too but I can't let him see that.  He needs to know I support him and I'm going to be okay.  But then he feels like he's the only one who is struggling and I don't want him thinking that.  So....I'm walking a tightrope.  I'm confident in my decision to stay in Florida.  I'm enjoying my new job and I'm excited about the new opportunities.  But the thought of packing up that truck and driving up to North Carolina makes me physically sick.  Like weak in the knees sick.  I know it's what is best for them...I think it's best for them.  I pray it's best for them.  But then this chance for promotion here comes up for him and I'm thinking WTF?  Maybe it's not!  So I try to stay out of it.  But there is the uncertainty again...are they staying are they going....I had just gotten my head and heart around them leaving.  They've decided today to definitely go and continue with their plan.  When my son comes to hug me now we hold on a little tighter and a little longer and we fight back the tears.  Last night he said to me "You can come!"  I said "You can stay!"  and he said that wasn't the deal and I surrender..."You're right" I said...".I'm sorry I broke the deal."  If I'm being honest, I know this is necessary.  But 10 hours?  Ok, ok...it's ok.  But he's struggling and feeling lost and it's killing me.  Neither one of us saw this coming.  We never thought we'd live so far away from each other.  So many things we never thought would be at this time in life.  And hearing everyone say that we're too close and we need to cut the cord was pissing us off, honestly.  No one knows what we've been through together.  No one knows how we get each other.  And truth be told we HAVE cut the cord.  These last few months we  haven't shared all the details of our lives like we used to.  We were both preparing for this next phase.  Of course we thought the next phase was him moving out and getting married. But jeez, 10 hours?  Really?  Alright then.....we'll make it work.  I'm getting used to the people I love most not being part of my daily life. I'm not sure why I have to but it's what's been dealt.

Tomorrow my daughter graduates middle school.  I feel badly for her because it seems that everything big that happens in her life is overshadowed by some other situation.  I'm determined to make this her day....it's just one more change and new normal to get used to.  And as I look forward to this unknown future and try to stay grounded in the present moment I remind myself it's just a day in the life.....

Happy Mothers Day

Everyone tries to prepare you for the sleepless nights,  endless diaper changes,  the terrible twos and all that becoming a mother entails.   No one prepares you for the time when they grow up and you're no longer under the same roof.   You know why?  Because if they did... if you knew the heart wrenching agony you'd feel at that time?  The human race would cease to exist.   You wouldn't sign up for it. Or maybe it is just me. 

In my mind, all these years I thought of my kids and I as a unit.   As one entity.   Our family. I remember when my oldest was getting ready to leave for college it occurred to me that my role was changing from that of a key player to supporting role in his life.   I was ok with that.   What made me physically sick was the thought of not seeing him every day and him never living under the same roof again.   It used to wake me up out of a sound sleep and make me cry at the drop of a hat. What worried me was that I knew my oldest wasn't one to text often, let alone call, but I knew this had to happen.  He needed to go and be independent.   Fast forward two years and he was back living with me and my amnesia returned about the fact that we all wouldn't be living together forever returned.   Fast forward 3 years and the realization hit me again.   I would sob when I'd go into his room.   A thought of him could bring me to my knees.   But things were not rosy with him before he left and a new normal ensued.   Funny how life does that.

Well my creme filling son is getting married.   So I was preparing for him to move out.  This time is harder.   We are ridiculously close.  He and his sister are Buddies.  When he left for college nearly two years ago I cried in pain at the thought of not seeing his face every day.... But he is a communicator.   Facetime... calls... texts... every day.   It made it bearable.   But this time he's getting married,  To an amazing young woman I might add.  It's different.   So as you read in my last blog we were all moving to North Carolina this summer.   So we would be living in different houses but close enough to have weekly dinners.   They went up there... signed their lease and returned excited and happy.   I kept getting this feeling that I wasn't going with them.   It was weird, but I had gotten an offer from My boss for a new position but I had no intention of taking it.   Well.... he made me an offer I was really struggling to refuse.

My daughter was away on a school trip...a first for her being away from me.   My relationship with her is so different then that of my sons.  I did realize that we are all codependent on each other.   We are each other's best friends.  We live in this happy solitude of comfort in knowing we support and love each other and GET each other.   It's a happy place.   My son's future wife who I will refer to as my bonus daughter has slipped right into the pack and finds comfort there as well. 

So, I decided to take a solo trip up to NC on a whim before I made my decision.   I have never taken a trip alone before and I felt like it was a stepping stone to this new world of solitude I was being thrown into. I realized so much on that 10 hour car ride.  So much about myself,  my relationship with my children,  my future, each one of my kids individually,  my past,  what I wanted in life,  what I needed in life and what I couldn't avoid facing anymore. My entire life has been dedicated to being a mom.   That was my chosen career.   But no one warned me about the phase out period when your job becomes obsolete.  You never truly retire but you become someone called in for special projects from time to time. And if you've done your job well and if you're really really lucky you get to sit back and watch the company that you've built flourish and thrive and know that you were there at the foundation of it.  Hell you ARE the foundation of

I've decided to remain in Florida....so I not only won't be living in the same home I'll be 10 hours away by car from my creme filling son.   My oldest is in California at the moment but he's thinking about returning to Arizona.  I had a conversation with him yesterday about how devastated I am that The Fab Four is no longer. And he said it's okay woman we can have Fab Four Kick-Ass vacations and reunions. And that's the next phase I suppose.   When I told my son and future daughter-in-law that I've made my decision they looked so sad. I told them that they would be fine better than fine. That this was necessary for their next stage of life as well. I told them that that first night in their new place was going to be the most incredible feeling and even though they would have mixed emotions they're starting their life together and it's all beginning for them! Every beginning is another beginnings end.   And my oldest son said to me yesterday painful endings are the way to happy beginnings.  He's pretty smart that boy.... man.... and for me? It's just a day in the life. ..

Happy Mother's Day!

If that's moving up than I'm.....moving out

Here we go again.  Another semi big move.  I didn't see it coming.  Just like the others.  Arizona?  One snowy Saturday afternoon in February--- we have to get out of here. 10 months later truck was loaded. Florida?  A day at the beach in July...the feeling hits me, I think I'm supposed to live here. 12 months later, truck was loaded.  This time?  Another day in February....it landed on our hearts....this is not where we belong--a month later we decided-North Carolina it is!  Truck will be loaded  in June.  And that brings me to today.  Moving is like giving birth.  You develop blissful amnesia about what it actually takes to get from point a to point b.  Heads together over the kitchen table and laptops today, notes made, phone calls done, trucks booked.  I have the sense of fear and dread in my gut.  I know that God will work out the details and logistics but I look around at what I thought was my simplistic, bare minimal living and I realize....we STILL have a LOT of stuff.  I'm almost paralyzed with fear.  I'm tired.  I'm really really tired.  More worn out than tired.  But, ain't nobody got time for that.

I look around at the empty walls.  I'm brought back to the first day I walked into this home and all the hopes and dreams that surrounded that move.  I truly thought life was just beginning.  That this was not my forever home by any means but I truly felt that good things and blessings would fill this home.  At this moment, I look around and I'm filled with sadness.  Sadness about the broken dreams that came here to die.  The firsts and lasts that occurred within the confines of these walls.  I'm gripped with grief and pain and I'm in tears within a split second.  Normally I don't have attachment to homes. When I moved out of the first house we owned, the house that I brought 2 of my 3 babies home to, left the state I lived for the first nearly 40 years of my life I barely blinked.  Even the home in Arizona that we had built and I picked every color and fixture in and had brand new everything---I walked out of that house and never looked back.  It was just a building.  The most important memories of that home came with me....literally---my 3 children.  We were starting a new chapter.  The fab four was born. The next home was the first one that I managed alone.  Every decision in that house was mine and mine alone.  I loved it.  Every single moment of that, it was something that needed to happen for my personal growth.  My individual soul purpose.  And when we decided to move to Florida we were all very excited and filled with hope and dreams of a better future.  What happened?  This house is giving me more mixed emotions than I've ever experienced when leaving a dwelling.  This is the last home that I will have lived in with all of my children.  I can't even type that without the tears flowing.  Wow.  I hate this house for that reason.  The fab four ended in this house.  It had to happen, it's part of life, but it hurts way too much to ignore it.  I'm ready for the next chapter.  I am. But I'm still extremely emotional. Having adult children is certainly different and sometimes painful, but it is also a whole new dynamic and relationship that we get to develop.  I was not happy here in Florida, truth be told.  I never felt at home.  I didn't learn the roads and relied instead on the GPS 2 years later.  I did not make one friend.  Not one.  I had dreams of future things happening here and that's what kept me going.  When I realized time was running out before my baby girl was starting high school I was forced to make some serious decisions.  I was determined to be settled somewhere before she started.  So...after weighing my options I decided to move.  And as soon as I made that decision I felt like a weight was lifted off of me.  It was time.

So, here we are.  The living room is full of boxes.  The cabinets are mostly emptied.  The 1st of 2 moving trucks are booked.  The knot in my stomach that will stay there until we are finally moved in is in place.  Now what?  I pull up my big girl panties and I move forward like I always do.  But it's getting old to be honest.  I'm ready for the good stuff.  And don't get me wrong, I am very very blessed.  There were many amazing firsts in this home.  Ones that I will hold in my heart for the rest of my days.  There was a lot of laughter and love along the way. And that is what I'm trying to focus on.  And looking forward to the good things the move brings.  And keeping my heart in the present moment....because after all....it's just a day in the life.