As the present now, will later be past--the times they are a changin'

Is there ever a time when things stay the same?  I look around at other people and they seem settled.  Their jobs stay the same, their addresses stay the same, their feet are firmly planted.  Everything changes for me....often.  Even my thoughts and attachments and desires change.  I used to hold on so tightly to control.  To plan every moment out, every detail, everything was scheduled.  I realized that was "wrong" and I taught myself how to go with the flow.  It was a difficult journey, but I got there.  However....now that I am here---I find myself not just going with the flow, but just not caring anymore.  About almost anything.  Is this normal?  Is this how people feel all the time?  I used to live my life with such gusto, such passion!  I loved with all of my being and fought for things I wanted/needed and could not live without.   Now?  I just feel like I have kinda laid down and just let life roll over me.  What's the point in fighting for anything?  If it's meant to be it will be and if it's not?  Well, then it's not.

I used to try to make my life better.  Make myself better.  I just don't have it in me anymore.  I am tired of being hurt, and disappointed.  So---if I just stop caring that can't happen anymore. Truth?  Yes.  But am I really living?  I don't know.  It doesn't really matter because it is what it is.  I cannot change my feelings or lack of them. 

Easter had me thinking a lot.  As much as I do not miss the stress of preparing holidays (coordinating outfits, hundreds of plastic eggs being filled, dying eggs, finding cellophane to match the baskets---you get the drill) I do miss the fun.   I miss being excited--I don't get excited anymore.  This morning I dropped my daughter at school and I realized very soon it will be the last time I ever drop one of my kids off at school!  I would not allow myself to go there.  You know that saying that if you knew it would be the last time you were going to do something you would cherish it more?  I felt that.  I remember the last moment I had with each of my parents and I run over them in my mind often.  I got to say what I wanted to and needed to say to each one of them---how blessed am I.  I thought that would make them being gone easier----it does not.

In the next few months my entire world will be changed yet again.  For the first time I do not know what is next.  I don't know what it looks like.  I just know that it will be ok.  Because it always is, isn't it? But it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.  I need more.  I need some of my old spark and zest back.  I need some joy.  I need companionship.   I need more than mere existence.  Because I'm tired of it just being a day in the life.  I want more life in my days.

Happy Anniversary! Its not the pale moon that excites me, thrills and delights me.....it's just the nearness of you! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN!

February 21, 1954

Happy Anniversary mommy and daddy!  68 years and you are able to celebrate together again.  It brings me such joy to know that.  You are both so missed, every single day.  I feel even safer and more at ease knowing you are both up there watching over us all.  I have told my children numerous times in the last nearly 2 months - I am not worried.  Yaya AND Poppa have it.  Just like when I was little.  

I want to thank you both once again, for being my foundation.  I am fortunate enough to have my children thanking me for the same things I have thanked you for over the years.  As you know, I did my best to instill the sense of family in them that you instilled in me.  I wanted them to feel safe and to know I would always have their backs like you always had ours.  I want to thank you for giving me that foundation.  Growing up I never worried about anything.  I knew you would always take care of anything and everything.  I miss that feeling on the physical level.  

It's funny, when we were planning Daddy's memorial I wanted everything the same as we did for yours mommy.  My siblings had to say, many times, "they are not one person". 

Ummm in my mind you were.  You were a unit.  I know (because as an adult my relationship with both of you was very different) that you were not always in perfect unison (that was a tough pill to swallow---my parents?  human?  the travesty! 😉)  However, I know how important it was to you both to have everything equal.  I guess that is where I got my obsession with fairness.  

When Daddy passed, my oldest child saw you both up there dancing.  He asked me if you guys used to dance.  Wow.  It was sad to me that he never got to see those days!  When you danced together it was magic.  DTM and Lu have had similar signs.  I know in my heart of hearts that you are both just so happy to be together again.  But I am not going to deny, it sucks.  Daddy I hear you SO clearly it is as if you are still here.  But you need to let mommy talk too you know, she had the floor for nearly 7 years and she's back to letting you take the wheel.💞  I still need to hear her too.

I know I have done many things that were hard for you to accept and understand---yet you never made me feel judged or like I disappointed you.  I remember when I said I was moving to Arizona, mommy said "Over my dead body!" and  I said "you don't live here, sorry you don't get a say".  And that

was the last I heard of it.  I am sure watching me make mistakes and decisions that you did not approve of were really difficult, yet you never made me feel unsupported.  Thank you for that.  I know first hand how difficult it is but you gave me an example to follow.  DTM called me the other day and needed me immediately.  I dropped everything and ran over (this is a rare occurrence, he is quite fiercely independent).  On the way home, after I took a breath I remembered calling you in Florida at 6 am from Long Island because I found a mouse half dead next to my stereo and I didn't know what to do. 😏  You responded "Tina, I'm 1300 miles away what do you want me to do?  Put a can over it until the landlord comes over"  I was so upset at the time.  It was the first time you could not fix it for me.  Looking back I realize it was probably hard on you as well.  

You two certainly were an amazing blueprint for what a marriage should be.  You never stopped holding hands.  You were there for one another first and foremost.  Nothing came above your marriage.  The sacrifices you made, I am sure, were not easy but you made them without anger, or resentment.  And now?  Now you rest in peace, and love....together (as it should be) for eternity.

Happy Anniversary mommy and daddy!  Salud!  Appletinis, Manhattans and shrimp cocktail for everyone!  I love you both----thank you for being the best there was!!!!  My God, how I miss you xoxoxoxo💔

it was NOT just a day in the life.  It is a day that began an amazing love story!

 

 

When you're weary....feeling small, when tears are in your eyes---I'll dry them all

 It is 7 years ago that I lost my mom.  I handled it much better than I have losing my dad.  It is not because I loved her less.  It is because when she passed I was worried about my dad.  I had intense things going on in my immediate family and God distracted me, I believe.  I thought I was a warrior.  Look at me.  Look how strong I am.  These people that are overcome with grief are weak.  Death is part of life.  Just move on.  To any that I thought that about, I apologize.  I did not understand.  I thought that because I did not see my mother all the time and hadn't in 30 years that it was easier for me.  I tricked myself into thinking that was it---I was used to not speaking/seeing my mother every day so I adjusted "so well".  Plus, I was still a bit upset with my mother when she passed, truth be told.  But in the years following her passing I would lose it at times, the grief would hit me like a sledgehammer out of the blue.  I was angry at myself---what is WRONG with you?  You are NOT weak!  You are NOT about this falling on the floor wracked with sobs that your son had to hold you and console you like a child!!  You are better than this!

Fast forward to losing my dad.  I STILL cannot think, type, speak it without the tears flowing.  It has been nearly 2 months and the pain is as fresh as the moment it happened.  I could not sleep the other night and I went on instagram and watched a video of my dad doing sega sega with my great niece.  I literally could not breathe. When my dad passed I said to my brother sobbing, "we're orphans" he replied swiftly- "we are NOT orphans!  we have each other." 💖.  I will never see my parents again.  Never. Well, I mean I will when I meet them in heaven (which pisses me off when people say that---"yes you will, you'll see them"---DUH!  Look who you're talking to!  I KNOW THAT!   I speak to them daily...I feel them and I see them.  It isn't the same!  I want them HERE!  I want them to see my daughter graduate...I want them to watch their great grandchildren grow...and be born....I want them at weddings and parties.  I want them to be here to hug me and bake with me and laugh with me.  I want them to guide my children with their wisdom.  I want them to tell me stories about their lives growing up. I want my dad to help me hang pictures on the wall, and let me bring him his lunch and a cup of tea to his favorite chair.   I want my mom to make me a grilled cheese sandwich, or a banana sandwich or better yet a tomato sandwich (with the perfect amount of mayo and salt!) and call me Harriet! I want to see the way my mom would look at me, like I was the most amazing human being alive.  She did that you know....not when I was little, but when I was grown.  She admired me so much.....I miss that.  Having someone look at me with such love.  

Some days it is easy to pretend they are still here.  Like I said, I did not see or speak to them every day.  But then I realize they aren't and the wave hits me.  What I have learned is that some people treat you like you have a disease when you're grieving.  They avoid you.  They can't deal with the pain that is so raw in your eyes.  I get it.  Most people are not used to me being in a low energy place like this for long periods of time.  Oh well.  Sorry not sorry.  I cannot help it.  If I could, I would.  No one wants to feel like this. 

My children....my children...they have been incredible during this whole process.  My sons check on me daily (well....we normally check in with each other daily anyway, but I have been not myself-so it is different), my daughter is fiercely protective of me.  She insists on helping me set boundaries and to make sure I take care of myself.  I was a good daughter, but my children?  Make me look like the worst.  They are far more than any parent deserves.

So, it is in this time of mourning and grief that you realize---you realize who is truly there for you.  My family is very private in our grief.   We did not plaster it all over social media...we didn't send out huge announcements.  Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with those who do, this is just how we deal with things.  So, the people that were told about my dad were important to us.  They were important to him.  So, imagine my surprise when there were so many that did not even reach out to say a simple "I'm sorry".  I know it's difficult to know the right thing to say in a time of grief and sorrow....but a simple I'm sorry is truly enough.  My cousin (who I do not speak to often) sent me the most beautiful, heartfelt message--so touching.  My other cousin in Vegas who was dealing with his beloved wife losing her battle with cancer at the time called and left me a heartfelt voicemail that brought me to tears....These are the messages and the people that I will treasure.  To say I am in shock about those who never even reached out to say "I'm sorry" is an understatement.  I do not think I will be able to get over that.  Grief is a strange thing.  It makes you different.  My reality is forever changed.   I am a forgiving person.  I have gone through a lot in my life that I have not shared with a lot of people.  So--I never expected people to know when I was at a low point or in pain because people aren't mind readers. However---knowing and not even attempting to console someone?  Speaks volumes about people's character in my opinion.

There are people that were there when my younger son had cancer that got a free pass for a lot of things because "oh they were so good when DTM had cancer though!"....when I got divorced it was not this tragic situation so no one needed to console or "be there" for me---however there were and are people that treated me like I had the plague because I got divorced!---I ignored it and got over it.  But this?  I don't think I will get over it.   I do not normally hold grudges.  I have forgiven people for far more. So, if you know me, and you see me, and I treat you differently?  Think about how you behaved when I lost my daddy---you might find your answer there.  Because...this....is not just a day in the life.

Conceal don't feel...Don't let them know---NO! Let it go!

 

Just this morning I had 3 separate conversations with 3 people I love very very much.  It hurt my heart.  These people are not ideally at the weight they would like to be at.  I have been there.  These people avoid photos...and maybe mirrors....and they wonder what other people think when they see them.  I have been there.  I have struggled with weight most of...no, ALL of my life.  I would have the best time at a party, or a dinner or just being and then I would see a photo of me and my entire mood would change.  THAT is what I look like?  Ugh.  I thought I looked good today! I tried every diet under the sun.  I would beat myself up for not being able to stick to anything. 

 I remember, I would get within 10 pounds of my goal weight and panic because OMG I have to do this forever???? And I would ultimately sabotage myself.  I reached my goal weight in 1990 probably.  I remember a particular wedding that I felt really good at.  I was wearing a size 7 and felt like a million bucks.  My now ex sister in law said to me "You are like an entirely different person when you feel good about yourself!  You are so much more fun!"  I remember being insulted (truth be told no matter what she said to me at that time I would have been insulted---I was in denial) and thinking NO!  That's not true.  (Was 1000 percent true!  And if I could I would thank her for that, because it stuck in my head and ultimately helped me connect the dots to my inner issues) .

 I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with my first blessing in 1993.  I gained 75 lbs. with that pregnancy.  But I felt beautiful, every minute.  I was creating another human being and I was glowing.  Fast forward to 2021 and I finally lost the remainder of that 75 lbs.  27 years and 2 more babies and I kept that extra 25 lbs. on my body.  Some years it bothered me, some years not so much.  In 2011 I began a journey to self love.  I began to realize it did not matter how anyone else saw me.  What mattered was how I saw myself.  

While I began to explore the reasons why I didn't fully accept myself for who I was a miraculous thing happened.  The weight came off.  I did nothing differently.  In fact, when I did diet/exercise nothing happened.  I could not even lose weight using the methods that have worked in the past.  I won't name them here, but they are ALL famous and they do work if you work them.  Not this time.  This 25 lbs would not budge.  In fact,  I gained another 10 at times. I was DETERMINED to be thin at my sons wedding in 2018---I was not.   I think I lost 10 lbs. during that year but it wasn't because I was trying----it was because I was diving deeply into ME.  Into what made me tick.  Why was I codependent? Why did no one ever put me first?  Why did I care how people perceived me?  Why did I need people to acknowledge that I had changed?  Why couldn't I accept that I was different and "weird"  and a "wacko" (that last one was my dad's favorite description of me.  No, he was not mean, or horrible.  He didn't understand this spiritual life changing journey I was on.) A lot of people couldn't and still can't. And that was ok, because God brought me people who could.  

In 2013 I started really opening up about the spiritual journey I was on.  I could hear the whispers behind my back.  I did not let it stop me.  Was it hard?  Ummmm damn straight.  I would see my family and know they thought I was-whatever they thought I was.  I stopped caring.  I love my family with all my heart but I am different.  I homeschooled my kids---I got divorced-----I moved across the country--- I am the black sheep, rebel in my family.  Do they love me?  Of course they do.  But I don't think they understand me.  And that is okay!  I let go of needing anyone to "get" me....or accept me....and as I did that----the scale numbers went down.  I accept me....I get me....and that is all that matters!  For me AND for you!  

I realized that our cells hold onto emotions.  I remember in 2011 I had a distance healing with this amazing woman in Ireland.  She told me certain pains in your body were a result of past trauma and wounds.  I had this persistent pain in my left hip (I did not tell her this) and she told me that a past betrayal (she described it and the year it happened in detail) was being stored in my hip.  As I released it---that pain disappeared and has not (knock on wood) returned.  This was miraculous to me!  It made me realize how amazing the human body is.  Also weight sometimes protects you.  If you don't feel good about yourself, sometimes you avoid certain situations and those situations could be detrimental to you.  It was funny, because a lot of people say that their partners make them feel horrible when they are overweight.  They say cruel things, threaten to cheat---horrible, awful things.  I remember hearing them in the meetings I would go to for one of the programs I was on.  I remember saying - I would get bigger if my partner did that to me!  AHHHH I was onto something---some people would stay overweight as a method of control.  That weight was protecting them by making them realize that their partner was an ASSHOLE!  They needed to figure that out so they could change their lives.  My ex would try to sabotage my diets.  I think he was nervous that I would lose the weight and leave.  He never made me feel ugly or like something was wrong with me.  But I think that weight protected me from leaving before it was time.  And it's all about timing----Divine timing, not ours.  

It is also a process....this journey of self love.  Sometimes, we meet someone who makes us see ourselves in a way we have not before. They love us unconditionally and see our soul.  And when we see ourselves through their eyes we realize that is the person we want to be.  Sometimes that person is ourselves --- every journey is different.  But the most important thing to realize is WHO we are is SO much more than what we LOOK like.  The world has gone absolutely crazy with plastic surgery and botox and lift this and tuck this.  For the love of GOD do you not think God made you perfectly?!?!?!?

At the end of the day, the only person who is inside of your head is YOU.  And if YOU are not accepting and loving yourself EXACTLY as you are---then who is going to?  Learn to love the person and the body looking back at you in the mirror RIGHT now----as is....and watch everything in your world change!  After all, it is just a day in the life----- 

You're the end of the rainbow...my pot of gold, you're daddy's little girl to have and to hold

 

I lost my father on December 23rd, 2021.  We laid him to rest this past weekend.  I can type those words over and over again and they will never seem real.  My father was 91 years old.  Praise God he was a healthy man who did not stop working until January of his last year. He lived a good life.  He touched many lives.  He lit up a room. His love for my mother was immeasurable. These were all things that were said about him in the last few weeks since his passing.  They are all true. But what struck me most this past weekend was the legacy he leaves behind in his grandchildren.  There are seven of them.  Anthony, Jessica, Richie, Katey, Danny, Nicholas and Emily.  Those 7 human beings---they represent how my father will be immortalized.  And what an INCREDIBLE legacy that is.

In the beginning of October we got the news that my dad had a mass on his pancreas.  My brother and sister and I had a phone call about how to best present the news to my dad.  My brother was the one to have the conversation and my dad chose to not have any further testing or treatment.  We accepted his decision.  He was planning to spend a few months up north for the holidays anyway, so we moved up the date.  You know what?  I am going to spare you the details of the next 3 months and just discuss my daddy and the reason we are ALL so destroyed by his passing, even though clearly this news had us all knowing the outcome and that it would most likely be swift.

Growing up, my dad was not a warm, fuzzy man.  He didn't allow us to be weak or tolerate anything but our best.  If I received a B on a test he wanted to know why it wasn't an A.  He knew my potential and would not accept anything less.  I did not resent it, I embraced it.  I always wanted my dad to be proud of me.  During the luncheon following his memorial this weekend we were discussing how we were disciplined as children.  Of course most of the males in attendance remember having the belt used on them - my brother included.  Someone asked me if I was ever hit/spanked.  I said no.  (that's a lie, he spanked me once and my mother ended that immediately lol)  My brother in law scoffed at that - oh that's right you were perfect!  Not in the slightest.  However, the thought of disappointing my father kept me from disrespecting him or doing anything that would cause that reaction from him.  I often wonder why and how he had that "power" over me.  He earned it.  

On Christmas day (2 days after his passing) I had an uncontrollable melt down while getting ready to go to Christmas dinner.  I said to myself, I cannot do this.  I am not going, surely they will understand?!  I heard my dad say "You are going!  You made a commitment and you will stick to it!"   I went.  I told my son what happened he chuckled and said "That's EXACTLY what Pop would have said!" 

 His demeanor and his presence had such an impact on his grandchildren.  The 7 of them have (as my siblings and I do) a work ethic that is bar none.  While I made the trip to Long Island this weekend to lay him to rest I was quite simply a mess.  I have cried more in the past 3 months than I think I have in the last 15 years.  The grief hits me like a sledgehammer.  I have been shopping and tears just silently flow down my face.  I have been driving and had to pull over because the sobs overcome me.  I was convinced that after this weekend I would have some sort of "closure" and it would lessen---not the case.  My children have been feeling the same.  My oldest and youngest do not always show their emotions but the amount of tears I have watched them shed for their Poppa are immeasurable.  I knew my cream filling son was going to take it hard.  He was the closest to my dad.  He has been calling him since he was 8 years old on his own.  He would take trips down to see him and spend weekends there.  I was expecting this to be hard on him, but I don't think I expected it to hit the other two this hard. But it shows the impact both of my parents had on their lives.

I am not going to lie, I do not even really know how they reacted during the Mass honoring his life, because I was trying not to scream out with the utter anguish that was inside of me.  My middlest said last night that he looked over and kept seeing me shaking my head violently on my lap.  Because I kept saying NO!  I will NOT accept THIS!  He's not gone.  And that was the only way I could stop myself from screaming it.

My Godson, the oldest grandchild, gave a beautiful, emotional Eulogy for my dad.  My cream filling son gave the first reading, my brother's oldest daughter did the second, my sister's son and brother's youngest daughter did the last one.  All 7 of them walked up together and presented the gifts to the priest.  That was the most beautiful tribute to their grandparents ever.  I will hold that vision in my head for the rest of my days.  That is what my father wanted.  That is what he preached to us our whole lives---Family First!  And my sister, brother and I have done him proud with the way we have raised our children.  He did not always agree with our parenting styles --- but the end product was the same.  7 INCREDIBLE, respectful, loving, hard working, intelligent, good looking (if I do say so myself 😉 individuals.

My daughter is devastated that she is the only one he will not see graduate.  But she is carrying on his legacy by going to cosmetology  school (my dad was a barber).  He commented often that he was so happy and so proud that someone was going to carry on that tradition and legacy.  And I know he and my mom will be there as she turns her tassel in May.  Maybe not in a seat like the others, but in all of our hearts and in spirit.

What struck me so hard is that I will never again hear him say "I'm proud of you Angel"....I cannot breathe at the thought of it.  He did not say that a lot when I was a child, but he made up for it once I became a mother.  He often told me how much he admired the type of mother I was.  Then when I rejoined the workforce at nearly 50 years old he would tell me all the time how proud he was of me.  He was the only person in my life that I KNEW would be there for me 24/7/365 and he is gone.  He's gone......how on earth will I survive the rest of my life without him?  I do not know.  But I know I will, because he raised me to be that way.  And he raised me to never give up and never say never.  I will continue to do my very best to live up the standards he set for me....and my last words to him (in person) were "Thank you for being my daddy, I love you"----how lucky am I that I got to tell him that?  How lucky am I that I had a dad that left such a hole in the lives of those who loved him.....  

Very lucky indeed.....Arrivederci poppa----give mommy a big hug and now both of you will keep us safe and watched over.  I love you.   Thanks for being my daddy 💓

Unbreak my heart----bring back the joy to my life

 If any of you have google photos you will know that every once in a while it makes a collage of pictures for you with a nifty little title.  I usually love that.  Today, however I looked at them and I realized.....I am not the same person I was in 2013.  I read energy in photos.  I read eyes.  Well my eyes do not have the same sparkle they did in the beginning of 2013.  Something happened at the end of 2013 that changed me.  I realize now I believe it broke my soul.  I have not been the same since.  I sent a message to my creme filling son stating this and he agreed.  It changed me.  I lost a part of myself.  I want to get her back.  I have been working SO hard to get her back for the last 8 years.  I know part of her needed to change and fall away.  The codependent part.  The possessive part, the combative part.  I don't miss her AT all.  Good riddance.  But the part of her that found such JOY in life---the one who didn't expect people to hurt her, didn't accept it as part of life---where the hell did she go?  Is she ever coming back?  I don't think so.  And that makes me sad.  She was fun.  She did not hold back on loving people.  She was shocked and hurt and genuinely disappointed when someone treated her poorly and hurt her heart instead of expecting it.  

I always thought I became this way because of disappointment in romantic relationships.  I always seem to choose emotionally unavailable people.  I have come to realize that was because I thought if only I could prove my love enough they would need me the way I needed them.  It was a personality flaw in myself.  But the person that hurt me in this way was not a romantic partner.  I think that is why I was so shocked by this revelation today.  It also wasn't one of my parents--nope can't blame childhood trauma.  But this revelation today opens a whole new chapter in my healing journey.  I probably journaled 20 pages in the last few days.  

I had to take an emergency trip over the weekend and my reaction to everything was so detached.  I was crying on the way home thinking---what is WRONG with me?  Why am I so cold?  So calm?  So---unemotional?  My daughter - who is brilliant and truly an incredible human being - explained it how she sees it.  I no longer allow people to have a part of me just because of DNA or past relationships.  I treat people as they treat me and I don't let people have that part of me that is reserved for those that treat me properly.  Ok.  That makes sense, but I don't like being so detached.  However, as I write this I am crying---so it's there, the emotion.  I am not made of stone.  I just can't allow myself to get hurt the way I used to.  And that all started in 2013.  I was emotionally destroyed by someone I loved more than I thought I could love a person, someone I trusted to never hurt me.  And I was unprepared. So unprepared.  And  it happened again nearly every year since. It happened again in August.  And I haven't even shed a tear.  It is like I expected it.  I did not get angry.  I did not get upset. I just shrugged and said "It is what it is.  I did nothing wrong and this is not my fault."   Ahhhh, that's the difference!  In the past I blamed myself.  Beat myself up over and over again.  Changed the behavior.  Changed ME.  But guess what?  I am no longer taking blame when I did not cause a situation.  And not that I needed confirmation, but I have received confirmation from people close to the situation that this is not my fault.  But whether or not I have allowed it to destroy me again, it did enough damage the first time, obviously.  So what do I do?  Can I ever get that person I was back?  Do I want to?

For me....it is safer being this person.  I have allowed several people to destroy me since 2013.  Several times.  I always forgive, but I am not sure I can fully allow myself to FEEL the things I used to.  I still love, but it is guarded.  It is like I am always expecting them to hurt me or let me down and when they do I just accept it.  It's like I just don't care anymore about things that I used to.  Will that ever change?  I hope so.  It is not fair to anyone who comes into my life.

Two weeks ago I got some life changing news.  I am still processing it and I truly could not function for a good part of a week.  Then, last week I met my cousins from Las Vegas at the beach.  I had a blissful, joyful day.  We floated in the water, had lunch, just shared life and enjoyed each other's company.  I told my daughter on the way home, THIS.... TODAY is what I want in my life.  Easy conversations, people who GET me without me having to defend myself.   I drove 6 hours to spend 7 hours with them.  It was worth every second in the car.  I know the more time like that I spend the more I will get back to who I want to be.  But I also know that it requires me to either remove people from my life permanently or to keep them at arms length.  What concerns me the most is the lack of emotion that I feel even about the good stuff.  I guess it's because I know that the good stuff doesn't last, so why get excited about it.  It is just a matter of time before it disappears and you never know if and when it will come back.  And if it does, for how long?  

I have found a way to live in the moment.  I appreciate every single day and I realize that everything happens for a reason---even this situation and discovery today.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Rising up…straight to the top. Got the guts got the glory

I forget a lot of negative things in life.  A lot.  I have worked really hard to focus on the present moment (as that is all we are promised).  This week the past has come back with my creme filling son in a positive way and a negative way.  I got to see him back on the field for the first time in 5 years.  I cannot even type that without tears streaming down my face.  I cannot explain the range of emotions I experienced that night.  Nostalgia, excitement, sadness, happiness, faith and confirmation.  Confirmation that everything happens exactly as it should and that when you have faith and hope and conviction in your prayers- God delivers.  Now, he's playing in a men's softball league---so many would say, SERIOUSLY?  What's the big deal?  (Including my son, who laughed when he took one look at my face and knew I was about to cry).  Yes!  Seriously!!!  I wrote an entire book about how the game of baseball saved my son's life.  His love of that game and his desire to be on that field kept him fighting though his battle of childhood cancer.  When he decided to leave the game of baseball in college, I knew it was the right decision.  I was, however, afraid he would never pick up a glove again.  He said as much.  I knew, in my heart, that that would be a big mistake.  However, he has a lot of things he wants to accomplish in his life and this was not the time for baseball.  He has since completed his bachelor's degree, gotten his real estate license, moved out of state and back, gotten married, purchased his first brand new home, (not in that order)at the young age of 23.  So, when he decided it was time to join a league I knew that divine timing was at play.

Last night he asked me for some pictures of when he had cancer.  He has never wanted to look at those before.  I asked why.  He said, "It's childhood cancer awareness month".  I forgot.  So I shared a file I have of pictures of just him.  I kept adding the cancer ones (noticing there were none of the two of us together--hmmm) He said, "I do not recognize that boy.  You don't have to go through anymore mom if it's too hard for you."  Huh?  I said I don't mind it AT all.  All I feel is proud and happy when I see those pictures.  He replied "WHY?"   I said "WHY?  Because look at you now!"  To which he sent me a wiseass selfie commenting on yea, now I have hair.  I said No!  Without that little boy, this man would not be who he is!  So as heart wrenching and AWFUL as it was---I can't wallow there.

I will honor September as National Childhood Cancer Awareness month, and I will keep all of those families in my prayers as they battle this horrific disease.  I know not everyone is blessed to have our outcome.   I am grateful EVERY day for DTM's life and the man he has become.

Because not every day is JUST a day in the life....

Homeward bound, I wish I was...homeward bound....

 

Home is where the heart is....this is a completely accurate statement.  Over the last few years I have gotten this overwhelming feeling every once in a while that I want to go home.  It was confusing to me, because most times I was home.  It happened enough that I felt like I had to delve deeper into what it meant to me.  At first I thought it was an energetic feeling coming from someone that felt that I was home---but I have discovered that was not it.  Then I thought, maybe it is heaven---maybe I wanted to go be with God in my heavenly home.  That did not feel right either.  I think I have figured it out.  I want to go back in time to when my children were all home with me under one roof.  Before school happened (the older two were homeschooled), before cancer, or other medical issues, or divorce touched our lives.  When every day was ours, just ours to do whatever we wanted.  When I could solve every problem they had and I had the responsibility to keep them happy and fed and well rested.  Life was so simple then.

I spoke to my sister about it, she said when she feels that way, for her it is going back to living in my parents home--when summer days were long and lazy.  I don't want to relive my childhood---I want to relive my childrens.  Although I am enjoying this phase of life where I have more freedom personally, I crave the days of snuggling under blankets watching movies and making memories.  My heart literally aches when I think about it.  And now, we are separated in different states as well as different homes.  

I also think it is more to do with who I was when they were little.  I miss HER too.  She had so much passion and love in her heart.  She loved fiercely *pause to take a phone call from my youngest son--yes there was bawling on my part*  Ok, she still loves fiercely---it's just different.  Everything is different.  It is not bad, just different.  I love the relationships I have built with my children. I treasure it!  I only wish I could go back with the knowledge of how amazing our relationships would be.  I would have enjoyed it even more.

Well, my entire mood has shifted after talking to my creme filling child.  How amazing that my children are my best friends?  How blessed and lucky am I?  That is why I miss those times, when it was just the four of us--in our own little bubble.  Luckily, I did cherish those moments while they were happening.   And I still get glimpses when we are all together.  But, as I am realizing, nothing lasts forever.  Not the good or the bad. I guess I have not gotten better at letting go of the picture of life the way I want it instead of what it is.  Although, back then I never thought past that day.  I never thought about what it would be like when they grew up.  I just loved the moments.  And that is why I do not like change.  And I feel the changes will be coming more consistently and I am not sure I am ready.

My hope is that where ever I am, my children will always consider that home.  Because my heart belongs to them and they will always be my home no matter what day in the life it is.....

Good morning yesterday.....you wake up---and time has slipped away

 

I am not really sure what is going to come through, but this post has been floating in my brain all weekend.  I was blessed to spend the weekend with all three of my children in beautiful Amelia Island.  I really cannot remember the last time we went away together when we were not visiting family in New York or Las Vegas or Florida.  I think their entire childhoods flashed before my eyes this weekend, along with every vacation we had ever taken.  This time away was much needed.  I gave my work phone to my daughter for the weekend (ok, she demanded it lol) and at first I felt lost like I was missing a limb--that made me realize how much I had changed and grown as much as my children have.  By the time we got to the hotel and settled in it went away.  I am enjoying my role as friend in my children's lives and not so much mommy anymore.  There is no worrying about whether I have packed their favorite things- they do that themselves now.  No more planning their meals and making sure they have snacks in between (yes, I still pack them, along with water, but if I did not they would fend for themselves).  I realized how different life has become....I was sitting poolside with my oldest and discussing everything under the sun and it occurred to me how quickly I had become a working mom and forgot what life was like before.  Watching all these families on vacation and kids in the pool with their parents I quickly went back in time to when that was me.  Yes, I got emotional, but not because they are grown up, but because I realized how I never could be completely in one place back then.  I remembered a trip to Disney World when my boys were probably 7 and nearly 3.  I thought about how when I was in the room with my younger son while he napped and my oldest was in the pool with his dad that all I could think about was being at the pool having fun with him.  Then, when my parents took over room duty and I was down in the pool I was thinking about how I wished my younger son would wake up and come have fun.  I could never fully enjoy myself.  I was always micromanaging time and moods and making sure everyone had the best time.  Yesterday morning we were at the pool and my younger son saw two brothers fighting in the pool and he turned to me and said "Hey ma!  Bring back memories?  Do you miss it?" chuckling with his brother.  I quickly replied, NO!  lol.  I much prefer this

watching them have a catch on the beach.  They had a wiffleball game with my daughter, daughter in law and her brother too.  This was much more fun.  Truth be told when they were little the beach was always a place they got along well.  This trip was a beautiful reminder of that.  Only now they go smoke cigars together instead of building sand castles -- still bonding.

My daughter and I went to order breakfast and they asked if we had paid for our coffees already---I said oh yes, my sons came down earlier and they brought them up to us.  She said "Oh yes, your boys were so nice!  Very polite, lots of please and thank yous--such gentlemen"  Wow, that never ever gets old.  I am so very proud of them every single day.   My daughter---where do I begin?  I feel like she is the absolute best version of me.  She is going away this week to spend time with our family in New York and knowing that, she stayed pretty close to me this weekend.  I cannot wait for my family to get to spend time with her alone and see her personality and just get to know her as an almost adult.  I will miss her, that goes without saying, but just like her brothers before her I love watching them get to experience life and become the people I prayed they would be.

I have never been one to think about my age, but this trip it really hit me that I am getting older.  I had the replay of my life in the back of my mind while at the forefront was the beautiful addition of my precious time with my kids.   Something was missing, but that is nothing new---that is missing every day of my life, I am getting used to that constant ache, but I forced myself to focus on the good.  The break from work, my 3 healthy, happy, miraculous offspring---enjoying each other's company while we still live in the same state.  I realized how blessed I am.  Some people never see the fruits of their labor.  I see it every time they are together.  Every time they talk about memories (even ones that make me look not so great ;) and knowing that their bond has strengthened over time....and that the one thing I worked so hard to instill in them shows----  Family First.  And everything else?  Just a day in the life.....

Sing.....Sing a song...sing out loud.....sing out strong!

Music.....it is really just words put to a tune, but it is so much more powerful than just that.  Music has the ability to touch your soul in a way that few things can.  It can take you to another place, can take you to a memory in a mere instant.  Recently I have been listening to music consistently.  I remembered when I took a quiz to see which senses were most important to having me feel joy.  That's when I realized that candles and music were very important in allowing myself to have those feelings.  As always, I lose my way and I don't make time for those simple things, but I decided it was time to make it a priority again.  Singing and dancing can make me feel that happiness I felt when my kids were little and we would dance in the kitchen every day.  I know most people have that memory with their significant other, you always hear about couples dancing together in the kitchen.  I've never had that.  I've only experienced that with my children, but that joy was precious nonetheless.  It brings me a lot of happiness that my children have playlists that include those songs and their memories are just as special.

The other day I was driving and listening to a recommended playlist on Spotify.  The song "Cherish" by the Association came on.  My first thought was of my cousin Cathy.  It was her wedding song with her first husband waaaaaayyy back in the 70's.  It made me wonder where she is and if she was still alive. (she is one of the handful of cousins that no one really speaks to).  In a matter of a minute, my mind went from that to how fortunate we are to have not lost many cousins on that side.  My cousin Tommy, my cousin Robert - and I thought wow, same family, that's odd.  Then I remembered my cousin Cliff who passed away when I was so young, his sister Lenore that I believe has passed and hmm, what is Mitchell up to? and then, of course to my cousin Richie who was killed in Viet Nam and how happy I am to be back in touch with his sisters (my cousins Pat and Annette).  All of those thoughts within a minute, simply from a random song.  

It made me wonder----are there any songs that would make me pop into someone's head?  Does everyone do this when they listen to music?  This also prompted another conversation....about cooking, and when you put love into the food.

My friend's father is turning 94 this week.  He is the sweetest man.  I have been promising him Pasta Fagioli for the last few years and they were celebrating his birthday this week so I finally got to deliver on my promise.  I often get nervous when cooking for people for the first time.  My children think I'm the best cook ever, my ex husband's family loved my cooking as well, but I still always worry that maybe I am not as good as they think I am.  I also made a Vegan version for a big majority of the group and that really made me nervous!  So I dropped the Vegan version off the night before the gathering so it could be heated before I got there the next day.  My friend and his brother tried it.  His brother is not my biggest fan so I knew he would not lie about how it tasted.  His entire demenour changed after one spoonful.  He looked at me with different eyes, I was no longer a fiesty opponent but a "damn good cook".  Hmmmm....maybe the way to a man's heart truly is through his stomach. 

The next day I arrived with the regular version of my mom's infamous pasta fagioli.  The birthday boy was just as excited to see that crockpot as he was to see me!  It was really such a special day and I am so grateful I was able to be a part of it.  Watching him be the center of attention and share his memories of when he was a child was truly magical.  The topic of cooking came up and a few of us were discussing how some people can make the same recipe and it tastes differently.  My adversary turned friend agreed with me that when someone cooks with love it definitely makes a difference.  I think that is why a mom's cooking tastes the best to their children.  These batches of pasta fagioli were made with me dancing and singing at the top of my lungs throughout the whole process. I truly love the people I was making it for and knowing that the birthday boy was excited for it gave me such joy. It is no wonder there was magic in each bowl.  Last night I had some and my daughter (who does not LIKE pasta fagioli) asked if she could have a taste.  I said, "ew it's cold."  She took a spoonful anyway.....she is now hooked!  She loved it.  She said it's never tasted so good!  See?  Music=magic!

Here are my thoughts on this whole topic, you need to bring JOY into everything you do!  Whatever that looks like to you.  Music may not be your thing, then find out what is!  What makes your heart and soul sing?  Do that!  Find that!  It changes everything! And joy, changes what would just be a day in the life.

 

Everything I knew but I didn't know

 

It's the last Monday of 2020.  Some are saying Thank God it's almost over.  I say Thank God it happened.  Thank God that I had these 365 trips around the sun.  I learned a few years back not to evaluate my life by the numbers on the calendar.  Every year has challenges and blessings.  Some have more of one than the other.  For those who are so over the top disgusted with 2020 because of the changes in their lifestyle I say, you are a lucky person.  When I look back on "bad" years it was because horrible, terrible things were happening in my life.  Not because I can't go out to eat with my friends or find toilet paper.  It is all about choices and viewpoint.  I am choosing to bless 2020 and thank it for the things it taught me and the happiness it brought.

2020 started with my oldest son in a very bad place. If you had told me then that by the end of it he would be where he is I am not sure I would have believed you.  For that alone 2020 will be a year I would relive gladly to get to where we are today.  

Later in January we were blessed with my great niece being born.  She is a light in this world that God knew we needed.  Her mere presence in the world makes it a better place.  She has not had an easy start---allergies, eczema so severe she has to work like Houdini to scratch the itch, and coming into the world when everything has been on lockdown for most of her first year.  Yet, Miss Lyla is a fighter.  That little girl is going to change the world just by being in it.  2020 will always remind me of the blessing she is.

We had cancelled trips a plenty, fear of losing jobs, shocking deaths (not Covid related), prom cancelled, graduations cancelled, Weddings cancelled just like everyone else.  Is it difficult?  Of course, but really?  In the grand scheme of life those are things people experience all the time.  I am choosing to look at the blessings.

My Godson graduated college to go on to his Masters program, it didn't look like he thought it would but someday he'll look back and realize he's not alone and a lot of people will have some crazy stories of quarantined graduations.  It makes us have to work a little harder to make moments like this special.

My dad celebrated his 90th birthday.  I was lucky enough to be able to spend it with him but I know it's not what anyone expected or wanted.  But the important thing is that we have been blessed to have him celebrate his 90th birthday.  That is a gift denied to many.

My son turned 22 and although the cruise he had planned was cancelled they made the best of it and took a weekend away at the beach where they got married in 2018. My daughter and I were lucky enough to spend his birthday with him on the beach and if he had been on the cruise it would have been the first birthday we didn't get to see each other.  See how I turned that around? 😎

My daughter's junior year is not looking like she thought it would but she's finally being "homeschooled" like her brother's were and she's realizing it's not too bad to do school from her pajamas.

We finally took a trip to NY to meet my beautiful great niece and were lucky enough to be there when my niece Katey got engaged!  How lucky was THAT!  She was supposed to be in San Diego that week and the proposal would have happened there.  Thank you 2020 for allowing me to be part of that amazing moment in her life.  Had there been no pandemic that would never have happened.

We got to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family and also with my daughter in laws family which was such a huge blessing and so much fun! We have gotten so close and it is truly a joy that 2020 has given us this time.

My son and his beautiful wife bought their first home.  It is being built as we speak.  Because of that they have been staying with me on and off and we are lucky enough to have the beauty of my son's "last Christmas at home" for probably the third time 😉.

My daughter in law finished her college classes.  She will be graduating in May.  Such a huge accomplishment and I'm so proud of her!  

Thank you 2020, for these and many other blessings that I can't write about.  Thank you for the lessons and the changes and the growth that you've brought.  Here's to another 365 trips around the sun with the ones I love, because after all----it is just a day in the life.

You may say I'm a dreamer......

 Last week we celebrated Thanksgiving.  I know it's a month away, but we were all together and as I always told my kids I don't care if it's a Wednesday in April and we celebrate Christmas---when we're all together it's a holiday for me.  Now, I've been off my holiday game probably since my youngest found out that Santa isn't real. Being a person who makes an average Tuesday into a holiday has its pros and cons.  It means that the ACTUAL holidays are not as important and the stress and hoopla is kinda a nuisance to me.  BUT, I have traditions that I have created and my kids look forward to them so I continue them (or face the wrath lol).  Every Thanksgiving I give them each a decoration that they will then take with them when they move out of my home.  My oldest---nutcrackers.  So we have 20 something Nutcrackers that come out every December.  My creme filling son---it was snowmen.  His wife was a little underwhelmed with the amount of snowmen that now decorate her home, so a few years back I switched to just giving them a random decoration on Thanksgiving (I'm not sure my son likes this too much....he loved his snowmen).  When he moved out I realized that I really need to purchase some decorations of my own because 20 snowmen missing was a huge gap in the decor.  My baby girl started out with Angels and then she decided she preferred snowglobes so that's what she gets.  Well I normally have an extra month to get these things but when I returned from a trip on Monday I realized that I had less than a week!  I also realized that buying my Turkey on Wednesday (at full price for the first time in 32 years!!!) did not give it enough time to defrost in the Fridge....minor details.  I also realized that no one sells lemon pudding anymore!  Walmart online delivery to the rescue---my oldest needs his lemon meringue pie!  Ok, so....here we go.  The reason for this blog post----at least I THINK there is a message.

I actually convinced myself it was Thanksgiving.  I was shopping on Saturday for a new tablecloth because I did not have time to get to storage and get out my dishes and tablecloths etc.  I was irritated at how little Thanksgiving things were around, because ummm helllooooo tomorrow is Thanksgiving...oooh wait---no it's not.  And, shoot---late that evening the boys ate all the munchies during their Saturday night MMA fight night hoopla and I can't run out on Thanksgiving morning!  We even found the parade on You Tube.  My daughter woke up that morning and didn't understand why none of her friends were posting anything on social media about Thanksgiving.  We were really living in another dimension.  That brings me to my realization....

We can convince ourselves of anything---our imagination is a powerful tool.  If you believe it, you can create it and achieve it.  You can convince yourself of pretty much anything if your heart is in it.  

Spending a week with my oldest is really eye opening for me.  He sees me in a way that warms my heart.  He has truly seen me at my worst and at my best and he and I have been through really awful moments in our mother/son relationship, including nearly a year of not speaking.  We discussed how the mind works and why we are all (our family) able to live in this year of craziness and see the good in it, to see the reasons for a lot of it.  He knows so much about the subconscious mind and how to clear things out---he helps me process so much. We discussed visualizing things and how it becomes real. I've never been much of a visualizer--I can't see things that I imagine.  But I'm realizing that the things I cannot visualize are things that aren't meant for me.  Which also makes me realize that if I can imagine it than it's possible!  

I decided to take a course this month related to that Quantum leap.  It's teaching me a lot about myself and the fact that there isn't much I want materially in life.  When guided to try to manifest a thing----there isn't anything materially that I want.  Everything that makes me happy and makes my heart sing and my soul have peace has to do with relationships and the people I love.  It's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.  What do I strive for?  What can I do to make my life better when the only things I want aren't things at all?  What can I do when people that are my priority have other priorities?  This is what I'm working on....trying to figure out what to do about this.  I want to say what's wrong with me?  But then I realize I don't know how to be any other way.  I've been this way my whole life- yes in the past I wanted certain material things (a home of my own, a new car etc.) but those were only to enrich the things that were really important to me.  The home was for my children and the car was for safety and the new car smell (I'm a sucker for new car smell). ...............

Well I will continue to work on this thing we call life....try to find new passions and things that drive me---but unless you can teach an old dog new tricks I'm not sure how successful I will be.

Happy Thanksgiving.....it's just a day in the life <3

Someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying....

 

Well, it's been quite a week.  My heart is hurting and my mind has been spinning and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get this into words, but here goes.

Two weeks ago I gave up.  I realized that it didn't really matter if the end of life was coming because honestly, what was the point?  I have spent the majority of my life looking on the bright side, turning negatives into positives and making the best of unanswered prayers and focusing on the ones that were answered.  Age has always been just a number to me, but during that time I was getting really sad and upset that I would be turning 56 in a few months and my life didn't look anything like I thought it would and I didn't see any change in that in the future.  I decided to shut down from social media, my phone, pretty much everything.  I started to realize how alone I really am.  Yes, it was a pity party, but I deserved it.  I realized how I am always there when someone needs me, but when I reach out or I need someone most people's responses are based on what is going on in their world.  Not being a priority is a trigger of mine----because I make those I love my first priority always.  So, as what has become the norm these past 10 years, my circle became smaller.  I learn a lot about myself during these times, but honestly?  I'm tired of the self reflection, self work, self change.  It's enough already---when is it enough?

I had a conversation with my dad about my view on this whole virus and I told him----you raised me to know that when it's my time to go, it's my time to go and I'm okay with that.  I started thinking that my kids would be fine and they had each other.  It was a really, really DARK place.  Then I realized when I tried to call on my Angels and bubble myself in a blue bubble of protection---I couldn't see.  I could not see color---everything was grey and dark.  That had never happened before.  It scared me.  I realized I hadn't called on my Angels in a really long time.  A conversation with my first born inspired me to go back to that place.  He insisted if I could bring HIM to spirituality than I could do anything.  That boy is saving my life the way he did when he was born.  He made me a mom---my true purpose and now he was bringing me back to life again.  Just in time too, because this past week was a rough one.

I received information that my very first boyfriend when I was in 7th grade was battling pancreatic cancer, and not doing well.  He was the sweetest, curly haired boy with a smile that could move mountains.  I remember our brief "relationship" and a field trip we took to an amusement park and how we held hands on the bus and the music that was playing during that trip.  We touched base a few years ago and reminisced about his mom's religion class where we met and that infamous trip.  He used to carry my books and he was honestly just the kindest boy.  Looking back, he was too nice to me---I didn't handle that well for many, many years.  When we were in high school he was one of the most popular boys in school and always was a special memory to me.  A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I needed to reach out to him.   I didn't.  I didn't even look up his social media or I would have realized he deleted them.  Now I know why he came to my mind after all this time.  He is sick.  His attitude is fabulous, he welcomes messages and calls and is going to be an inspiration to many I know! I instantly chastised myself for worrying about turning 56 when my childhood friend was fighting to see 56!  How selfish of me!  I began to count my blessings and work on reconnecting to my angels and working on a project my son has been urging me to undertake.

Than, yesterday morning I received news that a boy I grew up with passed away while flying from Florida to New York unexpectedly.  He was an incredible husband and father!  I have been friends with his wife since the 80's and I connected with his daughter through my Chat With Your Angels page, I have done some readings for her.  How could this be?  This man who devoted his life to his family, gone in an instant.   I just can't get past it.  This tough kid who used to tease me all the time in Elementary school is gone.....

 What am I doing? Life is too short to spend doing anything but what makes you happy.  It is time to start counting my blessings again.  Time to thank God for every single day!  I broke out the gratitude journal which has been dormant for a while, I am setting aside time to work on my angel project with my son encouraging me just enough to keep me going.  I lost that girl, but these 2 men from my childhood will inspire me to make sure I don't lose her again.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today----No day should ever be JUST a day in the life......cherish each one.  

When I see you smile, I can face the world, you know I can do anything....

 Trigger warning!  I'm an anti-masker, read at your own risk.

That's right.  I think the masks are a method to invoke fear and control over us.  I'm tired of being quiet.  This weekend was the end for me.

I have been going out without a mask for a few weeks now.  It started because it was truly emotionally affecting me when I would go out and see everyone thinking this was normal.  Everyone just complying, even though there really are no facts that this is helping. I was alone every time I went out without one, but this weekend I met a friend for brunch.  I was sitting outside the restaurant (maskless) waiting for my friend to arrive.  I found it pathetic that the other patrons waiting outside were wearing masks.  Even though in about 15 ft. they would be removing them to sit at a table....hmmm...ok.  My friend approached, maskless, we embraced and went inside to be seated.  I had used the app to put us on the line already, not sure why others didn't but ok.  My friend commented that I wasn't wearing a mask---nope.  She was so nervous to not be obeying the rules but she confessed that she told herself that if anything went down that I would handle it.  I laughed at that because I am not a confrontational person---at all.  However, I've had enough of this bs.  I told her that I had a mask in my purse and I would not cause a scene if asked to put it on (after all the workers would just be doing their jobs) however I wasn't going to do it without being asked to.  We sat down and proceeded to have an amazing 3 hour brunch.  I was so proud of her for getting up to use the restroom and not putting on her mask.  She felt empowered being with me and that is my goal.  My goal is to have other people who feel the same way as I do become brave enough to take back their face.
Today my daughter was with me.  We were going in to a store to get school supplies and she went to take her mask out of my purse.  I was like ummm no!  What are you doing?  She was almost in tears.  Mom, what's the big deal?  Please let me just wear it I don't want to make a scene.  I said I had no intention of making a scene.  If I was asked to put it on I would say ok and grab it out of my purse.  RELAX I told her.  We approached the entrance and she proceeded to point out the sign to me.  I said "What sign?  We are talking, I'm distracted -- I forgot."  with that my boss, like the angel he is, called me and I was talking to him as I entered.  We proceeded to get her supplies, pay and leave.  We got in the car and I said "see?  that wasn't so hard now was it?"   The next 3 places we went into she didn't flinch.  Have I done her a disservice by teaching her to just follow the rules?  It makes me wonder.
I talked to my niece over the weekend and she mentioned that she was concerned about handing her 7 month old over to her swimming instructor with a covered face and that the baby would think she wasn't supposed to be upset being handed to a stranger whose face she couldn't see.  WOW!  I had never even considered that!  The list just grows and grows.  This is NOT okay. 
My cousin has followed my lead and started the same thing.  It has to start somewhere people.  Is it ok with you that this is going to be the new normal?  That masks will be considered a fashion accessory?  Wow, people that are selling masks are hoping that it will become normal. 
I met with two inspectors and the HOA president the other day to give them access to one of our properties.  The inspectors had masks on, the president and I did not.  When they came out of the property I complimented the one inspector on his American Flag mask.  He said, "Yea, thanks--it's soaked"  Ok, so that is useful right?  NO!  And the people all over wearing them below their nose?  NO!  It's all garbage.  I actually had my cousin go CRAZY on my instagram post telling me to just wear the mask!  I'm smarter than that....I replied YES!  I AM smarter than that.  I'm smart enough to think for myself.  He continued to berate my choice in political candidate (assumed it) and where I live (Florida is crazy already we don't need people going around without masks).  I didn't engage.  I explained that I don't need to defend my beliefs to him or anyone else, and as someone who lives an alternative lifestyle I would expect the same respect from him-----
The fact that, according to what I'm seeing, this virus is so brilliant it knows not to attach itself to you when you are sitting at a restaurant eating, yet if you get up to use the restroom or leave---that's fair game.  Huh?  People can wear masks to riot, use public transportation, go to the grocery store and they're safe---however----don't go to a funeral, wedding, church or a family bbq or Heaven forbid VOTE in person---the virus targets those spots.  Cmon people!  Wake up!  If you don't see that this is just a form of control than I can't help you. 
I'm assuming if you're someone who believes in masks you haven't gotten this far---if you have let me tell you I'm not judging your choice to wear one, so don't judge mine for not.  If you don't believe in them and are following the rules because you don't want to make waves, I encourage you to attempt going maskless and see what happens.  If enough of us take back our choices maybe it will become the majority.  And not wearing a mask will become just another day in the life.  God Bless.....