Is it worth it? Or is single better?

This is going to be an all over the place kind of entry.  I am warning you ahead of time, but I've been toying with these thoughts for a while and I am not sure I can tie it all up in a nice neat bow but here goes.

I've been divorced nearly 3 years.  I haven't regretted it for a split second.  That being said, I have had the easiest divorce probably in history.  My kids, for the most part have adjusted in a way most people dream of.  It's all part of the plan I know.  That doesn't mean I am an advocate for divorce in any way, shape or form.  I tell everyone that comes to me asking about divorce that if there is a smidgen of love left in your marriage then fight for it!  Don't give up. Where there is love, there is hope.  However, if there isn't any love then by all means do what you need to do for everyone concerned.

I never knew divorced couples until I became one.  I'm sure there were plenty around me, but they didn't come into my direct circle until I started thinking seriously about divorce.  Coincidence?  No such thing.  It was God's way of guiding me, helping me and I was bringing these people into my life through my thoughts and the Law of Attraction.  Now that I am divorced, holy shit, left and right everyone around me is getting divorced!  Is it our age?  The 20 something year mark for marriage?  Maybe.  However, if a relationship isn't working all along I guess that's the time when enough is enough.  There are still those people who stay together for the rest of their lives being miserable too.

Since I got divorced whenever anyone is unhappy in their relationship they are drawn to talk to me about it.  I understand that.  I'm the woman with the Scarlet letter so obviously their sins are safe with me.  They also must figure that I won't be shocked by anything they say---they are right.  I am also not a judgemental person so that makes me easy to confide in. Every body's stories are similar.  I can see both sides in most situations.  It's never one persons fault--in MOST cases.  Which leads me to my question.....is it worth it?

We all come into relationships with expectations and our own baggage.  Most of us start our marriages in our teens or  20s when we truly don't know who the hell we are.   While we are trying to figure that out we can be selfish.  Mean.  Controlling.  Jealous.  And patterns are formed.  "Well I'm not going to do A because she doesn't let me do B."  "No, you can't go out with your friends, I never get to go out with MY friends" people are afraid to give in too frequently for fear of being taking advantage of and communication breaks down.  Feelings are hurt, egos are bruised and walls are built.  After years of these behaviors, relationships become broken and sometimes irreparable.   Someone asked me "so how do you fix it?"  I said well one of you has to love enough to put their own feelings aside and check their ego at the door.  It's important to explain to your partner that you understand where they are coming from.  Tell them you know what you've done wrong.  It's not going to happen overnight, but eventually the change can happen.  But the other party has to be willing too.

It's possible.  It can happen.  But it takes a lot of work, a lot of prayer and a lot of work (yes, I know I said that already).  I feel like everyone is afraid to be alone.  So, people stay together for fear of being alone.  They stay together for "the kids".  The list goes on.  It's all bullshit.  And it makes for very unhappy people.  How is that good for the kids?  The day I realized I was finally going to get divorced was when I looked at my daughter and thought - "What kind of example is she getting?  What is she going to think a marriage looks like?"  That did it for me.  My sons have confirmed that life is much more peaceful and happy since the divorce.  I'm happy.  That makes my kids happy.  

People afraid to be alone.  Why?  If you don't like your own company, you have bigger issues than an unhappy relationship. OR maybe that's why your relationship is unhappy--you are looking for someone else to fulfill your every need---not gonna happen. Is it scary to do things alone after a lifetime of being with someone?  Yea it can be.  I was never not in a relationship since I was 16 years old.  It is weird.  But it's peaceful.  It makes me wonder if being single is better.  I do what I want, when I want with who I want.  I don't have to hear any crap from anyone about it.  It's nice.  A lot of my friends who are divorced are in new relationships.  Some are engaged to be married again.  At the beginning of the new relationship it was all sunshine and roses (literally, the roses--damn they all got a lot of flowers), being wined and dined and all the beautiful new beginnings that relationships bring.  And then reality sets in.  Old patterns are repeated.  Both people react to each other anticipating that the new partner is going to behave like their ex---it's just exhausting.  Is it worth it?  I don't think so.  At the risk of sounding like a bitter, cynical woman I will admit that maybe it's just because for the first time in my life I am not putting anyone else's feelings before my own.  I am learning to find my voice.  I am figuring out what I like and what I don't.  It's about damn time.  I am also learning how to say no without guilt.  It's an amazing feeling of freedom.  I think the longer I am alone the harder it will be to be with someone. Or maybe, I will figure out why all my past relationships have failed and I'll find the magic mix of loving someone so deeply yet not repeating the mistakes.  I'm realizing all the things that I did wrong in relationships---and trying to fix them.  So maybe, just maybe, one day I will feel differently.  Maybe I will feel that it IS worth it.   But in the meantime, I'm enjoying being alone (as alone as a woman with 3 kids can be lol) 

This too shall pass....sometimes WAY too quickly!

I'm at a crossroads in my life.  I have spent the better part of 20 years being a mommy.  It started with the sleepless nights (and days, my oldest literally never slept!), then the days where my entire day was scheduled around naptime.  I used to have maybe 2 hours a day that I could leave my house when someone wasn't napping.  Then there were the playdates, those were some of the best days of my life, meeting my friends and their kids either at each other's houses or the park or Chuck E Cheese, or Discovery Zone.  I loved that time in my life.  Then I had baby number 2 and it started all over again.  Only adding to that was preschool and all of that fun stuff.  I also added baseball, soccer, scouts, Religious Education classes that I taught, PTA positions,volunteering non stop at school, coordinating the Altar Servers at church, the list is endless!  Then I home schooled for 7 years.  In those years I added baby #3 and moved across the country.  I then added dance classes, more baseball and eventually school again.  I never had a moment to myself during that time.  There were days when I would have to sit in the parking lot of the grocery store for 2 hours on the phone to get some privacy.  My kids wondered how it could take 2 hours to get butter.  

While I still don't have any privacy (my kids question all my comings and goings) I have so much free time lately it's culture shock!  No more travel baseball (due to injury and school ball), no more dance (for now, it will be back) and my oldest 2 drive now so I don't have to take them anywhere.  It was shocking enough to be able to go out without worrying about a babysitter when they got old enough to watch their sister, but this freedom is crazy.  I'd be lying if I didn't say it freaked me out at first.  I felt lost.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I spent a lot of time puttering around the house.  I was bored.  I HATE that word and I never thought in a MILLION years I'd EVER be bored. See, a lot of my friends are still in the throws of mommyhood that I was in not too long ago (six months to be exact) so I have a lot of time to myself.  Now would be the time to rekindle the romance in my marriage, only THIS is a big reason why I ended my marriage--the thought of having all this time with JUST my ex sent me into a dry heaving cold panic.  I'd rather be alone.  In fact I needed to have this time to myself.  I've since joined a bunch of groups of people that are in the same stage in their life in hopes of meeting some kindred spirits.  It's just taken me a bit of time to adjust to the fact that it's okay to think about myself :)

I see all these parents complaining and stressing and going through the motions of what I went through the last 20 years.  They seem so harried and can't find a free minute to themselves.  I wish I had know then what I know now.  I would have enjoyed it more.  I did enjoy it for the most part, I'm not gonna lie.  It was only the times when 3 things hit on 1 day that I would stress.  I enjoyed spending time with my kids when they were little and truth be told I still prefer their company to anyone elses.  Dinners together have now become like gold, because with the older ones working and their social stuff it's not that easy.  What I love is that my boys treasure it too.  They know when it's possible to have family time we take it.  Although I'm not as much a part of the details of their lives anymore I know that this is just another phase of my life and of theirs.  They are in the spring and summers and I am in the autumn.  I'm still reminding myself to enjoy each and every stage and finally not taking it all too seriously.  After all.....this too shall pass <3

Grateful for music....

I love technology.  I know people say it’s a curse, double edged sword and all that jazz but I am a technology junkie.  I am especially grateful for my IPOD.  I was in the car for 6 ½ hours yesterday and with my IPOD as my companion the hours flew.  I didn’t have to listen to the same song twice, there were no commercials, no channel flipping, no songs I didn’t like-it was bliss!  I remember taking trips as a family when I was a child.  They were never long trips, usually just to visit one of my Aunts, but the 5 of us in a sedan with no air conditioning and only the radio with my father in control of the channels- oy vey!  One trip in particular stood out.  My sister got my dad to put on “normal” music and she was singing along and my brother burst out laughing and said to her “Please, Deb!  Stop singing, you couldn’t carry a tune if it had a handle!”  I was sitting in between them, on the dreaded hump in the back seat.  I cracked up laughing and then felt bad a few seconds later---how mean!  But dear God, so true!  I love my sister like no other, but the girl can’t sing—what I would have given for an IPOD or a Walkman or even just earplugs back then!

           My kids have always been good on car trips.  Hell, we drove across the country when Emily was almost a year old and it was cake.  We are not big on talking in the car on long trips.  We all pretty much settle in with our respective IPods’ or video games (not me, clearly I’m driving, remember lol) and have a quiet, contented ride.  Yesterday I felt such a range of emotions.  Those songs transported me to so many different times in my life.  The words and melodies brought memories of different people and my mind was flooded with all kinds of feelings.  I sang happily along with Katy Perry, Pink, and Lady Gaga.  I was reminded of my sister when “Beach Baby” came on and reminded of how we used to sing along with the Carpenters in her blue dodge swinger when “Top of the World” came on.  Boz Scaggs and Billy Joel remind me of the summer of 1980 spent in my brother’s truck driving all over Long Island.  Erasure conjures up memories of driving around in my friend Kim’s black Jetta on our lunch hour in the early 90s.  I cried when “Right Here” by Miley Cyrus came on, reminded of my niece Jessie when she left after a visit and told Danny that was their song.  “The Nearness of You” will always make me think of my parents dancing cheek to cheek at whatever wedding or party we would be at and my dad would request that song for my mother.  “Club Can’t Handle me”---my niece Katey’s sweet 16 party, lighting her candle and driving Danny to baseball-he had to listen to that song before every game!  “Babe” “Greased Lightening” “After the Loving”, -my first love. 

           Music has the ability to invoke so many emotions in me.  Yesterday, I felt the full spectrum of emotions during the day.  My IPOD certainly helped that along.  I remembered singing to my babies when they were little, I was brought back to heartbreaks I’ve had through my life, happy times dancing in the kitchen with the boys when they were little-which made me laugh and cry.  I’ll never forget when I realized that music had a huge impact on me emotionally.  I took a quiz that was about your senses and what soothes you.  I never realized that sounds and smells were so effective at soothing my soul.  How sad is that, that I was so removed from what made ME happy that I needed a quiz to make me realize that lighting a candle and playing certain music could put me in a happy place almost instantly.  And luckily, with my IPOD on hand, I have 1200 hand selected songs that can take me wherever I want to go.

How can I be sure?

Is it something I've said?  I've been so in the vortex lately---feeling good, staying positive, and yet this weekend I've had a huge dose of negative reality smack me in the face.  What gives?

I've finally become comfortable explaining to myself why I am the way I am....why I think the thoughts I do, why I feel the way I feel.  I finally GET me.  (only took 49 years, but I'm a slow learner apparently--better late than never I always say) Now all of a sudden everyone around me is demanding to know why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I feel and why I am behaving the way I am.  I don't want to argue.  I'm over arguing.  I truly can't do it anymore.  I surrender.  Waving the white flag and going peacefully into my hut.  But unfortunately, the people around me are not taking that for an answer.  I don't know what to do.  I can only cut so many people out of my life (and I have and I do!) there are certain people who are related to me or too important to me for me to do that.  So what can I do?  I don't know.  I'm trying so hard to keep my feelings to myself, not spew every thought that comes into my head out loud or on paper or in text---but some people take that as an insult.  I can't help that.  This is a case where "it's not you it's me" is truly real!  But no one will take it as an answer.  How about none of your damn business, is that a better response?  Somehow I don't think that would go over well at all!

My family is dealing with some pretty serious stuff at the moment.  Un-chartered territory, murky waters, sadness, reality checks, and possibly some devastation coming on the horizon.  Luckily, my siblings and I are bonding together in this time of crisis---thank GOD.  I hear so many horror stories and I always knew deep down we wouldn't be one of them, but it's such a great feeling to know that my sister and brother and I are, at the core, connected in a way that we aren't with any other people on the planet.  But that makes me wonder----have I instilled the same in my children?   In the face of adversity and sorrow and grief and devastation, would they band together?  Would they support me the way my siblings and I are supporting my parents?  Whether we agree with them or not?  This is weighing on me.

My sister posted something on her face book wall yesterday ---- A letter from mom and dad to their kids about growing older and please have patience.  I know I'm a good daughter.  I have no doubts about that.  What I got from it was---will my kids look at me when I'm old and say that I was a good mom?  Was I patient?  Will they remember the good times we've had, the times I was there for them and all the things I have lovingly done for them?  Or will they only remember the times I was having a bad day?  Or the times I said "Not now!" or shouted because I was overwhelmed?  I hope it's a blend.  I don't want them to think of me as perfect, but damn, I hope they remember the good things outweighed the bad.  My oldest son is in a phase of life right now where he looks at me like I'm pathetic.  He doesn't agree with anything I say and when I get annoyed at his constant argumentative behavior he gets so upset with me.  I went from having the greatest relationship with my kids to feeling like I can't do anything right.  Will it always be this way?  Is THIS the time that they will remember?   When their mom was going through a huge transformation in her life?  According to my oldest I was a horrible mother.  All the times I set up legos or Power Rangers or painted or baked cookies or kissed boo boos, or woke him up to see a meteor shower or slept on the couch with him when he was sick or arranged the first ever YuGiOh tournament at my house complete with prizes for his friends is forgotten.  All he remembers are the times I punished him "unfairly" or the times I was too strict and the fact that his siblings have a kinder, gentler, less stressed mommy.  It makes me frozen in fear to parent sometimes.  When I was growing up I wouldn't dare call my parents out on such things.  But then again, when I was his age my parents had moved 2500 miles away from me, so I don't know what would have happened if we still lived together.

My middle son is going through changes now, and we are navigating our relationship through the twists and turns.  I don't know how many more changes I can take, to be honest.  I just want peace and to be a good mom and maybe someday to have someone to share my golden days with.  I am distancing myself from everyone around me to a degree.  And my son is taking it personally.  He is afraid I am changing because of things my older one said.  I am to a degree but why can't I just BE who I am and not answer to anyone?  I'm not asking for anyone else to change why do people always expect so much from me?  I'm tired.  I'm spent.  I'm emotionally vacant sometimes.  I'm living in the moment and it's making life so much easier for me.  Unfortunately, I can't make everyone else live that way so their demands and questions and plans do affect me.  It seems to me every time the seasons change I am faced with a challenge.  When spring changed to summer I was so overwhelmed I couldn't breathe.  Summer brought me a happy, joyful, peaceful time.  Now summer is turning to autumn and I want to run away again.  I want to go back to a time when I lived at home with MY siblings and I want to be with them again on a daily basis and witness life as just a sister and a daughter and enjoy it fully knowing it doesn't last forever.  Then maybe I can come back to THIS time in my life and realize the same thing......or maybe I just did <3

Sometimes you just need to say......

Whew...it is the middle of September already---where has this year gone?  Today was a great day.  I've had a lot of those lately.  It's all in the change in my perspective.   I've had a lot of walks down memory lane recently, all phases and stages of my life and I have realized that I've spent too much of my life by looking at what could be wrong, or anticipating something going wrong and forgetting to enjoy the good stuff.  And there is a lot of good stuff in my life. On September 1st I started a 30 day gratitude challenge.  It turns out it's not a challenge at all---my only challenge is what to choose for that day, I always have more than 1 thing to post.  Some are kept to myself for lots of reasons but they are still things I'm grateful for.

My new philosophy has changed a lot in my life.  I always wind up exactly where I want to be, not always exactly WHEN I want to be there and that used to cause me stress.  I've slowly, painfully and slowly lol decided to let go of the stupid time frames in my head.  Not going to lie, the fact that I'm turning 50 in January has been stressing me out a bit.  I am not where I thought I'd be in my life at 50 but then again, divorce and cancer and moving across the country and all the crap in between wasn't really in my future plans so how could I be?  The other morning I was in the gastroenterologist's office filling out the 75 pages of paperwork and when it came to my emergency contact information I froze.  I don't HAVE one of those anymore--- I'm single....and alone....2500 miles away from my family, what good would THEY do as an emergency contact.  I felt tears well up in my eyes (I know right?  What a friggin baby!)  I decided to put my sons down.  My oldest wouldn't answer the phone if God called (yes, yes, he IS my child) and my middle son is underage but they didn't ask for their ages so that's what I chose.  Moving on I got over myself (kinda, sorta, I was still upset, not gonna lie) but I still felt so alone!  Then I go into the Dr. and find out I have to have a procedure and they need to put me under---and I need someone to drive me home.  CRAP!  Here we go again!  So I think about it.  All my friends either work or have kids to pick up from school so that's not gonna work.  My oldest works overnights and I didn't even want to venture there to be honest.  So---my middle son is the lucky winner--poor kid.  I'm so glad he drives now or I really would have been in a pickle.  Yes, I had options (my friends that are reading this I KNOW I just had to ask, I know lol) but I don't like putting people out.  Anywho, I digress....so, the old me might have let that alone feeling, pathetic loser feeling, OMG how did my life turn out like this feeling overwhelm me.  Not the new and improved almost 50 year old me!  She felt wishy washy for a little bit but by the time I picked the kids up from school I was back to having the world on a string.  Why?  Because I chose to look at the glass as half full instead of half empty.  Because being in this situation is way better than still being married and being unhappy and never have moved to this beautiful state. And because I could work it out and I DID have options.  And THAT is what makes life so amazing!

In the past I allowed my pride, stubbornness and what was "fair" to keep me from speaking what I felt.  I often had a "kiss my ass" attitude or the thoughts of looking weak or being taken advantage of and that kept me from coming from my heart and a place of love.  I have worked really hard to not allow that to happen anymore.  I speak my truth from my heart and if someone takes it the wrong way, that's their issue not mine. If I get rejected or ignored, oh well, at least I was true to myself. That being said, I also don't allow myself to feel guilty for saying no to someone or not compromising my feelings or desires to do something because someone else wants me to.  It's like a JOB some days, a true balancing act, but I'm getting there.  Little by little, bit by bit.  It's not a race, it's an endurance challenge.

Every day we have the option to choose what kind of day we are going to have!  Yes shit happens and stuff might be less than ideal in your life, but what are your alternatives?  EXACTLY :)  So put a smile on your face, a song in your heart (or on your Ipod) and dance like no one is watching! 

A Letter to my younger self...

26 years ago today I walked down the aisle and lived out every little girls fantasy.  Big white dress, long veil,my daddy walking me down the aisle, limos, huge bridal party, gorgeous flowers, big cake, photographer, video guy---you know the works.  I don't remember anything positive about that day.  I only remember the negative things.  Is that strange?  I realize I'm divorced but that was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life--I was only 23!  I had signs, I had feelings, I knew I shouldn't have gotten married.  But it was what was supposed to come next right?  I had so little self esteem that I thought no one would ever ask me again, I imagine.   I was only 23!  My sister tried to tell me....my dad tried to tell me.....I was not hearing any of it.  Now, 26 years later this day means absolutely nothing to me.  I wouldn't even realize it was today except tomorrow is September 11th and that is always important.

If I could go back in time I would give that 23 year old girl a good swift kick in the ass!  I have no regrets, that's not how I live my life, but I wish I knew then what I know now!   Here is the advice I'd give her

1.  SLOW DOWN!  It doesn't all have to happen RIGHT NOW!  Life is about the journey not the destination.  Throw the 5 year plan out the damn window and enjoy your life!  Branch out from what you were raised with.  There is a huge world out there and you aren't experiencing any of it.  Do it now!  Find the joy in every day and stop being so serious!  

2. BE ALONE!   You were in a relationship from the time you were 15 with only maybe a few months in between the early ones--stop revolving your life around someone else.  Be alone, it's not the end of the world!  It's nice to not have to answer to anyone and do what you want without worrying about someone else's happiness.  And that's another thing---stop allowing your happiness to be contingent on someone else.  You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for!  Wait for the right one---stop settling.  Don't allow anyone to treat you like an option.  If they can't put you first like you do them, they aren't worth it---move on!  The jealousy thing?  Stop it, dear God it's annoying!  If they want to be with someone else then LET THEM!  Don't be so afraid of losing something that isn't meant to be in the first place.  And as far as their jealousy?  It's not flattering, it's controlling---don't let it happen.  Don't alter your personality for anyone, but don't expect someone to alter theirs for you either---if you do what's the purpose?  You're supposed to love someone unconditionally---learn to accept it both ways.  And drop the expectations. No one is inside of your head and can't read your thoughts...if you want something ASK for it!  Don't get all pissed off because he can't just KNOW what you want!  With that being said if you ask and he's still a jerk don't marry him or date him or whatever.  

3. YOU DO MARRY THE FAMILY--- don't care what anyone says you do!  They will always be there and hey, face it, some day you are going to have your own family and would you like your kids to just ditch you for their spouse?  No!  So think about that.  If you can't get along with the family then you need to think long and hard about the future of this relationship.  Not saying you have to live next door and spend every holiday and weekend with them, but if they obviously don't like you and you don't like them ---that's a problem girl!

4. SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS - Girls only...no guys.  Travel!  Go on girls weekends.  It's important!  Don't just give it all up because you are in a relationship.  You always encouraged him to go out with his friends, yet you never went out with yours.  Why?  Damn girl I wanna shake you! Everyone always thought you were so brave, turns out you were a little chicken.  Afraid if you let distance between you he'd leave you, move on.  Guess what?  Who cares!  If he leaves hold the door, you don't need someone who doesn't want to be with you.  Being with your friends doesn't mean you love him any less.  

5. DON'T BE SUCH A CONTROL FREAK! - do I need to go further?  You want everything "perfect"...girl there is no such thing!  Stop caring what other people think and figure out what makes YOU happy and do it!  Stop trying to tie everything up in a neat little bow, not gonna happen.  Well, yes it will, but then 26 years from now you will be writing this and wil just be realizing all of this when instead you could have lived the last 26 years so much happier.  You don't have to fix everything for everyone you know.  Here's a thought---how about you let someone fix something for you every once in a while---novel idea huh sweet pea?

6.  TRAVEL - go out and do what makes you happy!  Don't sit around because someone else doesn't want to go!  Go alone!  That's right---GO ALONE!  It's ok, you're pretty cool company and no one understands you better than me :)  See different places, try different things.  Explore the world!  And don't take everything so damn seriously (ooops I said that already huh?  well it bears repeating hon.  You are stubborn.

7. WHEN CHOSING A MATE.....stop making excuses for his behavior.  Oh, he's tired, oh, he's busy, oh he doesn't mean it....oh, he loves me but....No BUTS!  Expect him to be honest, and loving and kind and romantic and chivalrous and totally crazy in love with you.  You DESERVE that!  You give it don't you?  You give 100% all the time!  Yes, sometimes it's not about you---you have to realize that, he has his own thoughts just like you do.  But if you're giving more than you're getting all the time---it's time to end it.  There will be others.  He's not the only fish in the sea (yes, you hated when your mother said that but it's damn true!)  and somewhere out there is the perfect man for you---not the perfect man, but the perfect one for you!  And when you find him---then don't ever let him go!   Don't let pride, or ego or any of the other shit I mentioned about stop you from being with him.  But until we find him---it's ok to go back to #2---you will get used to it 

Now put on your big girl panties and go live your life!  And have fun!  Send me a post card from any place you go <3

Why I love to hate Facebook

Facebook....gotta love it right?  Wrong!  Or, right...depends on the day!  I have found reasons to both love and hate that site and I find myself taking periodic breaks from it for my own sanity (and if I'm being totally honest--which I always am--- for the protection of my "friends")  I was having a conversation with my oldest son this morning about the perils of social media.  He is vehemently against anything mainstream, he's become a minimalist and anti pretty much everything society stands for.  I can't say I disagree.  I'm just older and I realize the benefits of some of societies ways.  He is at a point in his life where he feels the need to take a strong stance one way or another.  I admire his will and his strength.  

Facebook, I feel becomes addictive to people.  It's a way of proving to the rest of the world how amazing your life is.  My sister and I had a conversation the other day about how some people's lives seem so interesting and fun and just plain better than ours.  I pointed out to my sister that I call bullshit on that.  If your life is so fabulous why the hell aren't you just living it, why feel the need to FB it?  Because you want people to be envious of you---ummm then something HUGE is missing from your life my dear.  I told my sister that I get wistful reading people's posts in the summer (most of the people I am friends with on FB are from the East Coast) because everyone is having barbeques and are at the Beach (sigh...the beach...can't help it--that's my happy place) and here in Arizona the summers are more like the rest of the country's winters---dull and boring.   I realize that and honestly?  I am not an envious person.  I am happy with my life and if I wasn't, I would change it.  Simple as that.  However, I know I am a minority.  So FB makes some people feel sad and depressed that their lives aren't as good as someone else's (facebook life, who knows what their real life is like--let's be honest) ---#1 reason for not liking FB.

I also hate that some people misinterpret my FB posts and think it's about them.  I'm not 12 years old....you can damn well believe that if I have something to say to you I will do just that.  Say it TO you (jeez have you met me?)...sometimes I find something funny or inspiring or insightful and I share it on FB.  My wall, my choice---there's a little unfollow or unfriend button---feel free to use it at any time if you don't like what you see.  In my older years (oh hell, who am I kidding in the last 2 months) I've learned that my response to people's rants or disagreements with me and my thinking are really not necessary.  I've learned to say "I'm not having this conversation" and leave it at that.  Why?  Because in the past I've been hell bent on getting someone else to see my point of view...to validate that I am right.  To SEE where I'm coming from.  The beautiful part about being 49 1/2 is that I just don't care about that anymore :)   I can agree to disagree and move on with my peaceful existence.  Ahhhh...it feels wonderful!   #2 reason for not liking FB

I used to follow a lot of people and pages and get all these notifications on my phone and jeez, it could take up my whole day just catching up on FB.  I also had a ton of "friends" that made me censor what I posted.  Yea, that wasn't working for me.  So when I got divorced I deleted my FB account and started fresh---with only my close family and friends and I blocked a TON of people so they couldn't find me.  I even went with just my first and middle name to make myself even more invisible.  It was awesome.  I loved it!  Only the people I was closest to were part of my FB world.  Then I opened my business page last year and "met" a lot of amazing women that I was drawn to become friends with.  There are a few that I've friended on my personal page as well---loved it, love them.  All is right with the world.  Then I wrote my book.  I added that to my personal page and then I finally shared my blog on my personal page....ehhhhh maybe not such a great idea.  But last month I did a stupid thing.  I changed my name to my real name and unblocked the ton of people all in the name of freedom and figuring why hide?  Dummy.  I became friends with a few people from High School that were truly people I liked.  Now every day FB decides to show me a million people I didn't like, didn't know or didn't care about as possible people I would want to be friends with--- no Thank you !  Just because I have 8 friends from high school doesn't mean the other 1492 people I graduated with are people I want to reconnect with.  I have 6 friend requests from people I don't even remember!  Number 3 reason not to like FB

So, I took a break from FB deactivated my account, then I got a free shipping special on my book so I reactivated it to share that but I'm not doing anything else on there.  I feel wonderful!  I love it, BUT here's what I'll miss about FB---

Seeing my family across the country and keeping up with their children and lives.  Most of them keep in contact with me via text so it's not too bad.  And honestly, if people mean enough to you then you'll find a way to keep in touch.

There are certain people that I've reconnected with that I don't think I would have been able to connect with if it wasn't for FB---so for that I will always be grateful to Mark Zuckerberg for his brilliant invention.  Somethings are best left in the past...but some things belong in your future even if they were left behind for reasons and seasons.

So, for the most part- thank you FB for what you've done for me, professionally and also personally but I think (for now) we will have to part ways <3  Nothing personal but everything has it's season.

Letter to my future daughter in law...Danny's wife

Dear Daughter in love....

Regardless of what people might tell you I do love you and welcome you into my family.  If my son has chosen you, you must be pretty amazing.  All I ask of you is that you treat my son like the gem that he is and you don't ever try to come between him and his siblings.  They will love you, because they love him, so it shouldn't be difficult.  As long as you love him we should be good.

I want to tell you a little bit about the man you have married....things you don't know because you haven't been around since he was born.  He's been through a LOT and I want you to always remember how blessed you are to have him!  Yes, even when he's annoying the bejeezus out of you ---he's a gift.  Believe me, I will tell him often that he is blessed to have you too, I don't play favorites :)

Danny is an amazing person, but you already know that or you wouldn't have married him.  Today he is recovering from shoulder surgery at the age of 16.  He is a champion.  Most people who have been through what he has would be cranky and jaded and have a woe is me attitude.  Not your husband.  He just takes it all with a smile and a great attitude.  He keeps apologizing to me for me having to do everything for him---little does he know (between me and you) I love it!  I love taking care of him.  I love the fact that he LETS me.  Some "patients" will whine and complain or try to play the hero and do everything themselves, then make it worse and wind up making everyone around them miserable.  Not Danny.  He sweetly says, mom can you help me.  Mom do you think you could ___fill in the blank.  That ALONE is reason to marry him.  Trust me, not all men are such good patients or as appreciative as the love of your life.  He's amazing.  (you will hear that a lot from me, sorry but he is)

You know that he had cancer at the age of 10....you've probably been told the stories a million times...I apologize.  It's a huge part of who he has become and how our relationship became what it is.  Hopefully when you are reading this my son and I are still as close as ever.  Of course YOU will be the main woman in his life and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I raised him to love you and to treat you well.  Ask him....he'll tell you that even when he was in his car seat I would turn around in the car and tell him---"don't ever treat your wife that way" after seeing or hearing something that I felt might influence him otherwise.  He is sweet and loving and thoughtful and kind and you are a very very lucky young lady.  He will treat you like gold as long as you don't give him a reason not to.  My son will give his whole heart and soul to you---don't take it for granted!  You are probably in your 20s and even though you don't realize it you don't know everything.  I've prayed about you since before he was born and I know God did not disappoint.  Whenever you are tempted to get angry at him or hurt him in any way I want you to stop and read this letter first.  Then I want you to read it again....it's not worth it!  Trust me....love is the only thing that matters.  If you talk to him in a calm, loving tone he will listen and understand (trust me---we've had a lot of arguments....I know ).     

Last but not least...treat his heart with gentle, loving care.  He will do the same for you, I can promise you that.  Make sure you two make time for date nights after you have children ----- don't ever feel awkward asking me to babysit or talking to me about anything.  I'm a good listener and well, I'm a pretty great mom because after all---look at the man I gave you to be your husband. <3


Love,

Me

If you believe in forever....then life is just a one night stand

I took the title from the song "Rock and Roll Heaven".  I've been thinking a lot lately about life...and death...and struggles and what IS important and what isn't.  I've realized that almost everything we worry and stress over is really just a transition to the next phase.  Even death is just a transition to the next phase...Heaven and then life everlasting, whether you believe your soul gets reincarnated or you just live peacefully for eternity in heaven---we never truly die.

That being said, living can be hard enough.  I see so many people that are so unhappy and so frustrated all the time.  They are living in fear.  And living in ego (ego being your earthly mind--- love being your higher self).  I am not having as much patience as I probably should with people who just dont get it.  After all, I'm a spiritual advisor and my job is to teach people about such things.  However, God has been sending me lots of stubborn ones.  These people hold a mirror up to my face and make me see how far I've come and how far I still have to go.  They make me see how pissed off MY mentors must have gotten/still get with me when I just don't get it.  When I see it so clearly and I tell people (who ASK me for guidance, I'm not randomly spewing advice to unwilling participants) what spirit shows me so clearly and they insist that they are either doing what I suggest already or they deny that they are doing it at all.  So I nod and say alright.  And to myself I say, I guess they're not ready for that challenge yet, but soon enough they will be.  Or maybe not....maybe they will continue beating the dead horse or trying desperately to break down the wall in front of them instead of just walking around it. It's their path to find.  We all have our own path to find and to walk.

My newest mission is to just let go.  Let it all go.  My issues, my kids issues, my family's issues ---just release it.  It doesn't really matter.  If you look back on your life have you overcome and gotten through everything that's come your way?  Ummmm....yeah....you're still standing right?  So, then what does it matter?  Why worry?  Why stress?  It just makes life harder.  I know you're thinking "but....but....I want THIS to happen and if THIS doesn't happen it will be the end of the world!"  No....no it won't.  Trust me.  Life will go on.  Will it be difficult at the time?  Maybe.  Will it FEEL like the world is coming to an end?  Possibly.  But guess what?  It's just another day.  Even the death that we all fear so much is simply a transition to the next great thing.  Is it horrible for those remaining?  Absolutely, but it's not the end of the world.  You will get through it and maybe, if you're lucky and in tuned to your angels and God's voice and your intuition, someday you will figure out why.  Why it had to happen that way.  Maybe you will see that YOU caused it to happen that way, that it didn't have to BE so difficult, you were forcing something that wasn't meant to be.  Maybe you will never hold the mirror up to you and see your part in anything, maybe you will continue to fight what's meant to be and your life will be a constant uphill battle.  Either way, what's meant to be will always find a way despite you and your ego and your trying to control the outcome.  So isn't it just easier to let it go?  Whisper a prayer to God and say "Please let this turn out such and such a way, but if not YOUR will be done"  and simply release it.  Trust me....it gives such a sense of peace!

The Beatles song is on replay for me on such days where I can't just release it.....Paul McCartney was inspired by his Mother Mary who died when he was only 14.  His mom came to him in a dream, speaking words of wisdom.  So you see...even after death, we are never really gone from those we love.

Let it Be

by Paul McCartney

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Ah let it be, yeah let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Yeah let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah let it be
Oh there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah let it be
Oh there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Ah let it be, yeah let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

We are all growing up!

Today my second born got his driver's license.  It seems like yesterday that he was sitting in his car seat with a pretend steering wheel on the front of it.  He just pulled out of the driveway with my youngest in tow.  It's a tradition.  When my oldest got his license he took my middle guy out for his first drive solo.  Now, my middle is doing the same with the youngest.  I have amazing kids.  I love them more than I can express---but why do they have to keep getting older?

Seriously, though, when they were little I would cry when people sang happy birthday to them.  It was so emotional for me, knowing that another year went by so quickly.  Every year on the first day of school I would bawl my eyes out watching them go.  Knowing that there was just that more time that I was missing and they were living their days not needing mommy every minute.  I don't know what happened to that woman----I miss her sometimes.  I just don't FEEL things as deeply as I used to.  Sometimes I miss her, sometimes I am glad she's gone.  Depends on the day and the emotion I'm feeling.  I wish I could feel joy the way she used to.  The littlest thing would send her into tears of joy---people would make fun of her because she was guaranteed to cry at weddings, graduations, first steps, Halloween, Christmas, you name it.  Somewhere along the way she died.  It's a blessing and a curse.  Let me explain.

I think her/my heart could only take so much and then it finally started blocking the emotion.  Or, I/she finally realized it's all ok and "this too shall pass", or I/she learned that everyone has their own path to walk and making everything my/her issue was just exhausting and didn't help anyone and made me/her stress more than she needed to.

My oldest child bitches constantly about being the "crash dummy" in the family.  In other words, everything was tested on him, I was stricter, tougher punishments were doled out, I was "all up in his business" and I yelled a lot when he was younger.  I am a "much different parent to the other two".  He's right.  I am.  I grew up.  I learned what was important and what wasn't.  I also don't have an unhappy marriage stressing me out, nor do I have a husband that I need to work around when disciplining or running my household.  I am in a better place.  I also think that my younger two know what is expected after watching the "crash dummy" be raised.  Who knows.  It is what it is (my mantra at this point in life).  What he doesn't realize is that he got the mommy that experienced everything for the first time and felt everything SO deeply it crippled her.  His first day of preschool---I couldn't BREATHE, how could I live without him for 2 hours twice a week?  I survived.  First day of Kindergarten---omg 5 days a week?  No way, I can't do it!  I survived.  I home-schooled him so a lot of the other firsts were given to my second son, who decided to go to school in 6th grade, but his (my oldest's) permit test, his driver's license, the first time he went out with friends driving, etc. was a HUGE deal to me...my heart ached with each milestone.  Because someday (cue menacing music) he would leave for college!  The year before he went to college I cried every day.  I could not IMAGINE that I would survive not seeing his face every day.  My 2nd born graduated middle school the day before my oldest graduated high school.  I sobbed during the middle school graduation and then for the next 24 hours until the high school graduation.  The middle school graduation was my first time experiencing that emotion---so it was fresh and my second son got to be the one I experienced it with first. Then the first time I left on a plane and my oldest was left behind---I cried for the first 3 hours of the flight, just sat there silently with tears streaming down my face.  Now, I left this summer and the tears were minimal.  I sometimes feel guilty for not feeling so deeply.  I don't feel anything as deeply anymore.  But maybe I am just growing up.  Maybe my heart is guarded after too many breaks.  It bothers me.  I so badly want to feel deeply again.  Is this what it's like as you get older?  Things don't affect you as much anymore?  I feel badly for my daughter sometimes, will I have any emotion left for her?  Is that why she's so detached from things?  I don't know.  I can't change it, I won't fake it.  But maybe I'm not becoming a hardened person, maybe it's just that after I experience something for the first time I realize it's not the end of the world and I will survive so I don't feel the emotions so deeply?  I miss feeling the joy though...the happiness....the love.  I used to be such a passionate person and now I still go through the motions, I just don't feel it deep in my heart.  Maybe I am just growing up....or maybe I've been exhausted by that woman I used to be.  Time will tell.

The times they are a changin'.....

Last night I went to see the movie “Mom’s Night Out”…I wasn’t expecting much but I figured a couple of laughs would be a good thing.  I didn’t expect to be laughing and crying during the whole movie!  It really made me think!

One line that hit me most was when she said “All I ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife and I’m living my dream but I’m not happy”  See, that’s the thing—-that’s ALL I ever wanted and I was happy doing it when my kids were little (not the wife part but hey can’t have everything).  Yes I had days where I wanted to hide but for the most part that was exactly what I wanted.  I thrived in that environment, being a mommy and a caregiver—then those little buggers grew up.  And I had to face the fact that although my future plans included the four of us (me and my 3 kids) their futures awaited and only included me as a supporting role.  Crap.  Now what the hell do I do with my life?

I am proactive.   I’m a planner.  So, I planned.  I realized my marriage was NOT what I wanted forever and the thought of being with my ex husband after my kids were grown threw me into a panic that I knew wasn’t going to work  So, I got divorced.  That was not part of the plan.  Never in my thoughts did being divorced seem ok.  Being 2 years divorced I am happier than I have been in a looooonnnnnng time.  But every once in a while I look around and think wow it would be nice to share this with someone.  I have never been alone in my life, I’ve always had a man by my side—-this is a necessary time for me to grow, I get it.  Just a new kinda normal.

I moved to Arizona almost 10 years ago and never looked back.  I love it here.  I always felt such a comfort and peace here.  I came home from vacation in Florida last week and realized——I’m not sure I want to live here forever.  That shook me to my core—what is HAPPENING to me?  I thought, well I’m here for 2 more years until my son graduates high school and then who knows?  I always wanted my kids to have a childhood home that they would return to—-that got lost many years ago—but that’s okay.  It’s just a new kinda normal.

2 years ago my oldest son went away to college.  I cried for 6 months leading up to that moment—-how was I going to stand not seeing his face every day?  Not hearing his voice, not hugging him?  I was a shell of my former self, I would break down in tears at the drop of a hat!  I came home from dropping him at college and cried in his pillow.  Now?  It’s normal for me to know that he will not be living with me permanently ever again and guess what?  I’m ok with that….I’ve adjusted.  It’s a new kinda normal.

My middle guy is going to get his license in 2 weeks—-he will not need me to chauffeur him around anymore and before I know it HE will be leaving for college.  I still get that shaky feeling in my heart and a lump in my throat thinking about it—-he is my buddy and I doubt his college will be 3 hrs away driving…but it will be okay.  It’s just a new kinda normal.

I don’t make family dinners every night anymore.  It just seems pointless sometimes, there is always someone gone or somewhere we have to be.  I worry about my daughter and how that will affect her.  She’s happy as a lark—-it’s just a new kinda normal.

I think the hardest thing for me to accept and deal with is that it’s not at all what I planned, or how I envisioned my life ummm EVER.  But it’s all okay.  I will be okay.  They will be okay.  Change is hard, but staying stuck in a place of unhappiness is way harder.  So I will embrace the changes, roll with the punches and wake up every morning and smile at the new me I see and realize——-

It’s just a new kinda normal <3

The future is now.....

I'm trying to live in the moment.  I'm trying to not focus on anything but today and enjoying what it brings.  I was succeeding.  I was sitting at the beach and just feeling peaceful.  I was imagining myself someday having a small condo near the ocean where I could write and just be.  I'm starting to feel happier alone then I am with people.  Within 10 minutes of plopping my ass on the sand I was getting texts from my oldest son about the state of the world and our government and I began to get stressed.  Then my middle son came and sat down next to me and started rattling off a billion things about the future---colleges, cars, taking his driving test, seeing his friends this weekend after we get home.  I was annoyed.  I started to cry.  I looked at him and said "Can I PLEASE just enjoy right now?"  He looked hurt and I felt bad for a second, then I let it go.  It was too late, the frustration and sadness came.  Damn it!  What is it about men that can do that to me?  My ex husband used to stress me out ALL the time!  I realized that this vacation to Florida was the best I'd ever had-----there's a reason for that.  I have no man in my life to answer to.  I have no one to rain on my parade.  I don't blame the men I've had in my life, I blame myself for allowing it to happen.  Why am I so affected by their energy?  Why have I lived my life to this point taking on whatever the men in my life were feeling?  Why do I still allow it to happen with my sons, not just my partners?  I don't know.  

When I had gone to marriage counseling years ago within 3 minutes the counselor told me I had daddy issues.  Mind you the reason we were there was that my ex husband had joined a dating site and was chatting with some girl on line and on the telephone---but ok, I HAD daddy issues.  Instantaneously I was annoyed.  Somehow this was MY fault?  No, don't think so---thanks bye now!  We never went back.  Over the last 15 years since that happened I have often had those thoughts come to me whenever I realize I allow men to affect me too much.  I happen to have an AMAZING relationship with my daddy---and I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't.  When I was younger yes he was strict but not so much that I was scarred by it.  I never wanted to disappoint my parents, but I feel that's what good parenting does to you.  My kids don't want to disappoint me either---I don't see anything wrong with that.  I do remember our household revolving around my dad---I don't see anything wrong with that either, he was/is a hardworking, loving man who wanted nothing but the best for his family.  He never put his own needs first, he just did what was needed for the 5 of us.  He treated my mother like a queen --bringing her flowers every month on the day of their anniversary.  Every Valentines day I woke up to candy and a stuffed animal from my daddy.  Saturday nights he'd come home from work with special bakery treats for us on Sunday morning.  Hmmm....daddy issues?  Maybe.   Maybe my issue is that no man in my life has ever lived up to my dad.  I tried to be that wife, like my mom was, that did everything for her husband to make his life easier.   I tried to greet him at the door like a king---it backfired royally.  My ex-husband just took that as an opportunity to expect more from me and give less.   My dad never discussed any issues he had he just took care of them---that's what I do.  However, I was always the one who wanted everyone to come to me and tell me about what was bothering them---talk to me---I'll help you fix it.  Well that was great, except now that my boys are older I CAN'T fix everything and even if I can they don't always listen to my advice.  So I have to learn not to take their problems on myself and let it change my energy--HA!  Good luck.  It makes me sad that I am imagining my future alone on the beach rather than in the big house with the porch covered in grandchildren that I used to envision.  How did this happen?  Is this a bad change?  What happened to the person I was just a year ago?  It's all happening too fast!

I took a moment on the beach to wipe my tears and talk to my daughter.  She is such a free spirit, so happy go lucky---she's me when I was a kid!  I want her to stay that way!  She was busy writing initials in the sand (mine and the man she wants to be her dad) and protecting it from the tide.  I told her "Em, promise me you will never let a boy change who you are!  Don't let a boy, or anyone else for that matter, steal your joy."  She wiped my tears with a sandy hand and said with a giggle "of course mama!"....and there is still hope <3

What am I waiting for?

I've changed so much in the last 10 years I barely recognize myself sometimes.  A lot of the changes were gradual, but in the last year they have been rapid.  Most of the changes are easy to handle---I'm calmer, I don't yell like I used to, I maintain a positive outlook about most things, I've become financially mature and don't buy frivolous items anymore hoping to fix the sadness I used to feel.  These are all good things and happy changes.  Some of my changes have been more uncomfortable and harder for those around me to accept. I no longer feel guilty when I have to say no to someone (ok, to my kids yes--but I'm working on that).  I don't feel that I have to justify my responses anymore or go into detail when I decline someones offer or suggestion.  These are difficult changes for me but they are necessary and I am happier having done them.

I've been told that I'm my own worst enemy.  I hold myself back from so much, and it's true!  While trying to practice the Law of Attraction and manifest certain situations in my life I believe I was too focused on them and therefore kept them away.  Or maybe what I wanted wasn't in the cards for me---maybe God didn't plan for me to have it.  Maybe it was just a learning experience, something to teach me something about myself.  Well, it certainly did that.  I've been working on letting go, releasing what no longer serves me and finding my higher purpose.  However, that being said, the last week I have been consumed with helping my parents and trying to get answers from my mother's doctors and taking her to appointments etc. While sitting in the waiting rooms of these offices, surrounded by people battling cancer I retreated.  I tried to hide my head in the sand and pretend my family wasn't facing this situation again.  I was almost successful.

Today, I got the first copy of my book.  When I held it in my hand something changed inside of me.  As I flipped through the pages and wept with Danny and felt this exhilaration inside of me---it changed.  I realized I was doing it all wrong!  People were fighting for their lives every day, every minute and I was waiting to start mine.  What was I waiting for?  Danny made a comment last week about people who smoke or drink or just waste their lives and how it is like spitting in his face after he fought so hard to live.  I agreed.  It never occurred to me that by doing nothing but waiting in my life I was doing the same damn thing!

There is a man on the same radiation schedule as my mom.  All week he has come in with a big smile on his face and a cheery good morning on his lips.  He leaves with a big wave to everyone waiting and warm wishes for a great day.  He knows.  He knows that life is precious.  He knows that tomorrow isn't promised.  I can guarantee you he isn't wasting a moment waiting for something that may never happen.  The last 5 years I have been waiting to publish that book.  I kept saying, "well once the book is done"  or "I need to work on the book" and put off so much in the meantime.  There was a time that I was so happy I couldn't bring myself to write the book--it took a lot out of me to relive that time in my life.  Then I was so focused on certain situations that I couldn't bring myself to focus on the book.  Well, it's finally finished and I had such a sense of accomplishment holding it in my hands!  And then I knew!  I can't wait anymore for anything to happen, I need to move forward and live my life and enjoy it to the fullest. I can't waste another day waiting for the happily ever after---today is the happily ever after and I'm creating it minute by minute.  I've spent too much time waiting---when I was younger it was when I get married.  Then it was when I have a baby.  Then, when I have a house......the list goes on.  There is always something that we will be longing for, something that we wish we had---don't stop living your life in the meantime.  The people who are in your life are there for a reason and those who don't want to be aren't meant to be and there are new people just waiting to burst into your world and fill it with sunshine----but in the meantime enjoy every moment!!!!

Who needs a prince?

I am very very hard on myself.  I am also hard on those I love...I expect a lot from them, especially my children.  I'm working on it.  I'm getting better every day.  Learning to let go and free myself of these expectations, letting go of the picture in my head of how life is supposed to be is a difficult yet necessary task.  I am a work in progress and some days I just can't seem to find the balance and others (like today) I balance it perfectly.  I want more days like today and I'm determined to make sure I have them.

I am technically on vacation right now, although I am still working (actually working twice my normal hours) and in addition to that running to Doctor's appointments with my mom and food shopping daily and menu planning and cooking and cleaning---for some reason it feels different.  I'm enjoying it (well, minus the doctor's appointments) because it's all that I'm focusing on.  When I'm home, I always seem to have a million other things pulling at me.  Here at my parent's house I only need to focus on the immediate things that need to be done.  It feels good to take care of people and have them want me to.  My sons are growing into men and they don't want me fussing over them anymore.  I am a fusser, I can't help it.  I like taking care of my loved ones--at one point in my life it's how I gave myself worth.  That's not the case anymore but I still like to do it.  I guess part of me always wanted someone to fuss over me---not that I would know how to handle that, but I think at this stage of my life I'd like to try.

I was in such a bad place the last two days, so sad and feeling numb and as I watched my daughter in the pool I thought---amazing--she can have fun all by herself just using her imagination.  I listened to her make believe game of mermaids and sharks and I remembered summers of my youth where I did the exact same thing!  I remember pretending I was a mermaid and I got trapped in a cage by an evil villain and of course my handsome prince rescued me.  That's where it all started...my lifetime of waiting for that handsome prince to save me from myself.  My daughter doesn't need that prince--she rescues herself and I love that!  Being a child of divorce I sometimes worry about how she will be when she finally has her first love, her first relationship---will she be needy and clingy like I was?  I don't think so!  See, she is seeing the woman I am now, the woman who handles everything and doesn't ask for anyone's approval.  She is boy crazy, don't get me wrong --- she definitely wants that happily every after, but she isn't looking for it to save her and Amen to that!  Anyway, I digress.....

The reason for this entry was that I realized, while I was watching her, that I never really just let go and enjoy life.  I'm always reserved for some reason, even when I'm having fun it's not that uninhibited fun that I had as a kid.  So I set out to make a bucket list.  A list of things I want to do in the next however many years, to enrich my life and have fun!  I've come a long way because the list started flowing easily.  It was inspired this morning when I woke up and I decided I was going to have a better day and a better life!  No more waiting for that handsome prince -I was going to save myself.  And today, when I took my daughter swimming guess who got in the pool and showed her how to do front flips and back flips and handstands and handsprings?  That's right---this mama!  She had so much fun and so did I, I felt like a kid again.  Of course, my body IS still 49 so I'm not sure the handsprings were such a good idea (my back says it definitely wasn't) but it's just the beginning....and it's just a day in the life xoxox

Replay---in the worst way!

My son had Lymphoma in 2009.  He was only 10, he's 15 now.  A while ago he had a routine Echocardiogram that showed that his function went down since last year.  It was still within the normal range, but decreased.  His oncologist wanted to err on the side of caution and send him to a cardiologist.  I had been a nervous wreck since l I made the appointment.  I KNEW in my gut nothing was wrong, but it just brings up all of the horrible emotions of when he was sick.  It also makes me so incredibly angry that he has to deal with this for the rest of his life.  I'm writing a book about his story, our story, about how that awful disease affected our lives and how it felt and how our faith got us through it.  Today will be the last chapter of that book.  My son is so brave.  He's so strong and such a positive spirit.  I didn't let on how concerned I was, I acted very matter of factly about the whole thing.  I cried my eyes out to my mother last week to the point of not being able to breathe.  I spoke to my brother last night for 2 hours and cried again.  I spent the entire day Monday on the couch crying just having a pity party.  Well, this morning we got stuck in traffic and arrived 13 minutes late.  I tried to call the office and it was closed until 8 a.m. it was now 8:13 am.  She gives me the whole, "I'll have to see if the Dr. can see you you're 1/2 hour late"  I'm like ummmm his appt is at 8:30 and check in was at 8---we're 13 minutes late not 1/2 hour!  She goes, "Well we round up to the 1/2 hour here"  Really bitch?  REALLY?  You just make up times?  There was NO ONE in the waiting area, like get a life.  I smirked at her and spat out--I'm SURE you'll find the time!  Luckily the nurse was really funny and took us in and made us laugh.  My nerves were on the outside of my body I wanted to throw up!  

Ok, so the Dr. comes in and he's 98 years old if he's a day, I swear.  He looks confused as to why we were there.  Then after a thorough explanation (of which I understood very little lol) he said my boys heart was fine and made an appointment for next year for another echo just to be safe.  I LOST IT!  I began sobbing in relief as soon as he left the room.  My son was comforting ME--way to go mom, how about the giant loser award for me :(  In the car on the way home he said to me "Don't be upset mom, I'm glad I have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  It makes me a stronger person and makes me appreciate things more."  SERIOUSLY?  Is he AMAZING or what?  I raised that boy :)  and I am one proud mama!!!!

It's just a day in the life xoxox

That was an entry in my old blog from last year.....this year, in this moment I am watching my mother fight the same disease my son has beaten.  I am reading chemo side effects and making lists of questions to ask the oncologist.  I can't stop crying.  It's too raw---it's too familiar---it's too much!!!  As I sat in the radiologist's waiting room this morning I watched people come and go---they all greeted each other like old friends.  I guess that's what happens when you have the same appointment time for 5 weeks straight.  I listened to them chat, I watched their faces and I thought---it's funny, these people are battling for their lives and they are kinder and more positive then the people in the grocery store!  Cancer changes you.  I also noticed that cancer does not discriminate----there were Caucasians, Latinos and African Americans.  They were aged from 20s-80s and they were male and female.  Cancer just destroys it doesn't care who is in it's path.  I watch men tenderly care for their wives as they become to frail to care for themselves---I see people who are walking this path alone and others that have friends with them.  It is sickening to me and I want to run ---again.  Facing this disease again is too much for me.  It's difficult to watch my dad work so hard to care for my mom and meet her every need.  It's crushing to watch my mother, my beautiful mother cover her balding head with a hat and not be able to move her neck because of the tumor that resides there.  I met with her Oncologist today armed with a list of questions that I had---questions that I didn't like the answers to.  Questions that I didn't want to ask.  It's difficult because, ultimately the decisions don't rest with me---with my son I had control of the choices.....I again had to hide in the car to call my sister and avoid changing my facial expression so no one could see what I was thinking/feeling.  So I cried....and I pray.  I will pray without ceasing.  Not just for my mother but for all the people I saw today battling the dreaded disease.  And when my son steps off the plane tonight (traveling alone for the first time) to meet me in Florida to support his Yaya I will hug him desperately and thank God for saving him...Thank God for all the blessings and ask him to give us just one more miracle.  

Please check out my book---Beyond the Immediate---the story of my son's battle with cancer and how it changed our lives in a positive way. 

  Beyond the Immediate