Spring - New Beginnings

When I lived back east the first day of spring was an eagerly anticipated day.  Usually, it was met with disappointment because winter wouldn't let go of it's ugly grasp.  Living in the West and right now visiting the south, the first day of spring means something different.  It means new beginnings.  It means letting go of the old and what no longer works in my life.   Now to figure out how to do that.

My dad asked me yesterday if I'm looking forward to getting back home.  I said no.  I'm not going to lie and say these last 2 months have been easy, being so spread between home and Florida.  It usually means leaving behind someone that I love.  In February it was my boys and then having to get home quickly and leave my parents--my mother for the last time.  And now, I'm here and my son is home already and I just never feel whole anymore.  Something is always missing.  It's been torture on my soul and I'm anxious and scared all the time.

I was sitting on the steps outside last night talking to my younger son and my heart was just aching.  I have been sad for so long I just don't think I can take it for another minute.  It's not just what's been going on this last year with my mom, it's been for a long time.  Being in the wrong marriage and relationships in my life left me feeling this way for most of my life. My kids used to fill that void and  the sadness didn't overwhelm me like it does now.  Fear?  That was non existent in my life.  Now?  sadness and fear engulf me daily.  Despite prayer, and meditation and talking it out with my trusted friends.  Why?  Why can't I shake this feeling.  I've felt like something was missing for most of my life.  A few years back that feeling went away and I was tricked into thinking it would last.  That I would feel whole and complete from then on.  I thought the changes I had made and the life I was dreaming of was coming to me.  Unfortunately, that was short lived and recovering from having it then losing it is worse than never having it at all.  

I realized upon grieving for my mother that I have been in a state of grief for a few years now.  I had never felt grief before so I didn't recognize the emotion.  It sucks.  Now I know that's what I have been feeling.  I'm grieving the loss of the most perfect thing I'd ever had.  My dad said the other night that he keeps thinking it's a dream and my mom will be back and when he realizes that's not happening it overwhelms him.  That's exactly it.  That's what it feels like over and over again.  Like ripping a bandage off a horrible wound.  How do we move on from it? How do you come to terms with the fact that what made you the happiest and completed you is not coming back?  Time.  I'm sick of time.  How many times can your heart be broken before you stand up and move on?  I think it's like the owl asking the question about how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop---the world may never know.

My older son came out to me last night while I was hanging up the phone with my middle son and saw I was broken.  He and I took a long walk around my dad's complex.  He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't just couldn't tell him.  I changed the subject and we instead discussed our family and how it is a tribute to my parents and the day I had spent with my dad and how hard it is going to be to leave him next week.  We finally got back to the condo and my dad was at the door waiting.  Ah, what memories that brought back-what I would give to go back to that time!  When I had my whole life ahead of me---damn would I do things differently.  But then that's what spring is all about, isn't it?  New beginnings? 

Well, I guess it's time to figure out what those new beginnings are and go out and start them.  If only I knew how to change who I am.  It's hard to think about my new beginnings when my daddy is handling the worst "new beginning" he will ever have to face, and the thing I want most in my life is lost.  I feel like a rag doll being pulled in 5 different directions and all I want to do is go hide from it all.  I want to scream what about MY happiness?   But I'm made from tougher stuff than that.  At least I used to be.  I don't recognize myself anymore.  Gone are my nasty barbs and my quick retorts to people when I'm angry.  I don't even get angry anymore I just get hurt and sad.  I don't know what to do with sad --anger was much easier to deal with.  I miss the smart mouthed bitch I used to be, she wouldn't be losing sleep over shit she couldn't change, she'd just move on without looking back.  What happened to her?!  She's not coming back, I know that much. So I'm stuck with this new wimpy version who cries over spilled milk and pines for something she can't have.  Yuck.  She needs to grow a backbone and realize that she deserves the happily ever after and springtime is just as good as any to go get it.

Happy Spring xo

What's your legacy?

We laid my mother to rest last Friday.  My entire family made the trip to Florida to be there for this private event.  My sister, my brother, their spouses and children and me and my 3 children.  15 of us in total paid tribute to the woman who was the head of this family.  It was heart wrenching and devastating and something only we survived.  People were angry, hurt and confused as to why we decided to block out the rest of the world during this time of grief.  To us it was simple, a no brainer.  We are her legacy.  We are a unit.  It started with the 5 of us.  My parents, sister, brother and me.  During time we added spouses to our closed circle.  Then our children.  And now, my Godson's fiance and my nieces boyfriend were present as well.  We are not stand offish people, we welcome the new into our family with open arms without the stigma of "in law".  However, we didn't want outsiders with us during our time of grief.  Because then it becomes about them, and not us.  People's well meaning offers of sympathy need to be met with the appropriate appreciation.  We just wanted to grieve.  We are thankful for the outpouring of people who reached out to all of us, we are!  But this, this was private and not one of us were sorry.

My parents moved away to Florida 30 years ago.  For 30 years we have not all lived in the same state.  10 years ago I moved across the country as well.  So these time for us all to be together are precious.  The last time we were all together was in November of 2010.  Of course we have seen each other since, but all of us together in one place is reserved for an occasion.  This was such an occasion, to celebrate my mother's life and mourn her death.  This was the first time all of us were in Florida together.  It was amazing.  Truly amazing.  As I looked around at these people, my family, I was filled with love...and admiration....and gratitude.  It would have been very easy for us to just drift apart from each other.  To become polite strangers.  The opposite has happened.  I am closer to my brother and sister now than ever before.  The usual arguments and distance and rifts you hear happen when a parent dies just didn't occur for us.  We agreed on everything, we are so different yet cut from the same cloth at the core.  Greed does not exist in my family.  We all truly want what's best for the other.  There are of course spats and disagreements, jeez we are not saints, but at the core there is a love, a loyalty and a bond that time nor distance can destroy.  For this I am so grateful!

We have never mourned before like this.  We didn't know the protocol.  My mom was very ill and her death didn't come as a surprise.  We were all prepared (well, as prepared as you can ever be).  I was at their home when everyone arrived.  We all had a different reaction to coming into the home they shared without my mother being in it.  We all grieved our own way.  But true to form of my family, we also laughed.  And enjoyed being together as the gift that it is.  During the memorial service, my nephew gave a speech.  Not a eulogy, but a tribute to our family.  It's about the legacy of our family.  He praised my siblings and me and challenged HIS siblings and cousins to live up the legacy that was started by their grandparents.  There was not a dry eye in the room.  My sister (with the help of my niece) made a video montage showing the best of my mom's life.  It was amazing.  We laughed and cried together all reliving the moments that brought us to this point in time.  Obviously the pictures of my mom during her illness were left out and forgotten--that's not how we want to remember her.  Although, the strength and dignity she showed during this last year is a tribute to the woman she was.  I sat in the first pew with my dad and my siblings and I turned around a few times to check on my kids.  I saw my niece comforting my daughter, my son comforting his cousin, it was just to telling as to what our family is.  There is no competition between them, there is love between those 7 grandchildren.  Although they don't see each other as often as they'd like they adore each other and have a closeness that nothing can change.  Seeing them together and being together with my siblings was the greatest possible offering to my mother's legacy.  She created this family, with my dad.  Their love made this and we will continue to make them proud!

It made me wonder what my legacy will be.  Will my children continue the way my siblings and I have?  I pray every day they will.  The time is coming where I am sure we will not all be living in the same place and they will begin to bring in significant others to our circle.  I pray they choose wisely and remain close to their siblings, while still respecting their significant other.  I hope they see the love my parents had for each other and strive to duplicate that in their own way.  I know that is my dream and hopefully my legacy.

They don't make them like that anymore

The past month of my life has been the worst ever.  Worse than the days when my ex husband lost his job and we were living on a prayer, worse than when my 10 year old had cancer (yes, worse than that), worse than my divorce (which was actually a piece of cake- I only mention it because most people say it's one of the top 5 most stressful things in life).  I have hesitated writing during this time because my family is very private and I know it freaks them out that I share my feelings the way I do.  So be it.  I won't go into details.  However, in the past month I flew to Florida to take care of my terminally ill mom with my daughter and left my sons back home.  I had to cut my trip short because of an emergency with my oldest son and 10 days after I left my mom passed away.  God always has a plan and as it turns out it was best I left and went home because my daughter should not have been there while my mom declined so rapidly.  Also, my brother flew down and he was definitely the best person to be with my dad during those last days, even though it was extremely hard on him.  Then my sister went down and again, at the perfect time to help my dad with all the legal paperwork, handling everything fairly and efficiently.  And now I am here again to help my dad discover his new normal without the love of his life.  The rest of my family will be here in a few days for my moms private memorial service.  Just the 15 of us, together, to put my mom to rest.  I don't even believe that's real as I type it.  I will remain for another 8 days after everyone leaves.

I thought coming into the house without her being here would hit me like a ton of bricks.  It didn't.  It's so strange.  Cooking in her kitchen, which I've done dozens of times brought me to my knees, however.  I felt her with me every step.  I couldn't ask her where anything was, I had to think like she did, Thankfully no one came in the kitchen and saw the tears flowing down my face.  I missed her.  I went into her closet yesterday when no one was around and I smelled her clothes hoping for a last whiff of her scent.  I broke down crying when I realized it wasn't there.  She had been sick so long the house was stripped of that beautiful scent that was my mom.  No one knows what I mean, it's not a lotion, or soap or perfume.  It was HER.  My younger son and my daughter know what I mean. He's arriving tomorrow and I wonder how it will feel to him.  My daughter was in the bathroom talking to her Ya ya the other day, tears flowing down her face.  She said she saw her and could feel her arms around her.  It was sad and comforting at the same time.

Yesterday my dad found a feather by his bed.  I know my mom waited until I was with him to send it.  She knew I'd know what it was.  He was so full of disbelief and wonder.  But it did the trick, he heard my mom last night and I believe the healing can begin for him.  We went to the mall yesterday and my dad, my daughter and I all felt my mom with us. I went walking this morning with tears running down my face but she was with me and gave me some great advice.  I deserve a man like my dad.  I deserve to be treasured and loved and adored the way she was.  Point taken mom.  I will start to value myself more and not give my love to someone who doesn't want it.  Watching my dad grieve my mom and hearing stories about how my ex father in law has been grieving his wife this past year just breaks my heart.  It hurts me on so many levels.  Things in that generation were different.  Spouses were partners in life.  There was no competition to see who did more or who was busier.  They each had their roles and they relied on each other knowing that the other partner would be there no matter what.  I want that.  I don't think they "sweated the small stuff" or blamed each other for things the way people do nowadays.  They took responsibility for their part in the relationship.   I want that.  My father and my exes dad are lost without their mates.  You can see the sadness in their eyes and hear the love in their voices when they speak of them.  My dad's neighbor (who I have fallen in love with and adopted her as part of our family) still gets choked up when she talks about her husband who passed away 5 years ago.  She misses him terribly.  She has learned to move on, which I pray my dad does, but she says she still hurts.  She talks about him with such love and devotion.  I want that.  Things were just different 60 years ago.  My ex husband and I have been working much better as a team with the kids during this past month.  It's sad that the love is gone but at least the bitterness and anger are gone too.   So many people I know are still married and wish they werent'.  I don't think these people are mourning their spouses because it's been 60 years of marriage, I think it was just the way their partnerships were created.  There was respect of each other.  Women were treated like treasures and men were respected and taken care of by them.  It worked.   Spouses back then put each other first, not their children and I think that (along with women's lib in the 70s) drastically changed the status of relationships forever and not in a good way.  I know once my son was born my marriage took a back seat,  granted it's because I wasn't happily married in the first place, but still I know I am not alone in that.  Your spouse is the one you will grow old with (if you're lucky) and once your children leave and have their own lives the one you pledge I do to should still be someone you want to spend time with.  My daughter and I were discussing this.  She is taking it all in like a sponge.  She said to me, mommy maybe it's better to not have love like that so your heart isn't so broken when it's taken away.  Maybe she's right, but I pray that someday she finds that love and it takes her breath away.  And I pray she finds someone who treats her like a queen and a treasure and she treats him like a king and I pray I get to see it.

Valentines Day--what's it really about?

I'm not a big fan of Valentines day.  I never have been.  I haven't celebrated it in years, really, except for my kids.  This year I'm in Florida and wow I think it's the most romantic state in the Country.  There are flowers everywhere, stuffed animals all over.  I was at the store today and it was swarming with men picking out cards and flower and balloons-it was very touching.  It made my synicism of Valentines day subside a bit, maybe there were truly romantic men out there.  Which made me think about why women aren't equally as responsible on Valentines day for making their men feel loved and adored.  Why is it only a one way holiday?  It made me think about love.  True love, the kinds you think are only found in books and movies.  Does it exist?  Or is it reserved for the beginning of relationships when things are fresh and new.  This week I've come to realize that true love is not about butterflies in the stomach and being wooed and pampered.  True love stands the test of time.  True love is caring for eachother when your looks are fading, your health is failing and things aren't all balloons and roses.

I'm spending time with my parents, right now.  My mom is not doing well.  She spends most of the day in bed and can't care for herself, needing assistance to walk from the bed to the bathroom.  As heartbreaking as it is for me to watch and see her deteriorate I see the toll it takes on my dad.  He cares for her, going to whatever lengths possible to make sure she has whatever she could possibly want or need.  He looks at her with the same love that I've seen for my entire life.  I see the emotion when he thinks about life without her, it is soul crushing.  Their neighbors, friends and even the medical professionals I've met with this week all have stories of my parents and how devoted they are to each other.  Theirs is a love story that deserves to be told.  It's not a fancy, storybook romance that you would think about, but it is a real live one, one that a lot of people never get to live.

I spent the evening tonight with a friend of theirs.  I brought her over some of the pepper steak I made for dinner and she invited me in for a glass of wine.  I sat for the next 90 minutes listening to her tell stories about things she loved about my parents and about her love story with her husband (who passed away 7 years ago).  He was her first and only love.  They met in high school and were married for 54 years before he died.  It was so romantic to hear even of their final days together, as he struggled with dementia and even become non verbal for the last 3 months of his life.  She cared for him, loved him and was devoted to him until he took his last breath.  It made my heart ache to see how much she misses him and the love in her eyes as she told me about their life together.  It also made me sad to realize how many people will never have that.

These are the true love stories.  Not the ones revolving around flowers and candy and jewelry, but the ones that stand the test of time.  Loving someone so much that no time, or distance, or illness or challenge can keep you from being there for that person and spending your life with them.  That's what love is about.

Happy Valentines Day <3

Time in a Bottle

Facebook-you either love it or hate it.  My feelings about it change by the hour. I've deactivated my account more times in the last 6 months than I can count.  It's really for everyone else's protection :).  Today, it happened to show me a photo I posted in December of 2013.  It was a picture of my parents with my daughter at her school.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.   Just 13 short months ago my mother was a healthy, beautiful (although she is STILL beautiful), vibrant woman, looking more like 65 than 79.  It made me so sad I couldn't breathe. It also made me realize how I was living my life and what it would look like just 13 months from today.  Time doesn't stop just because we want it to.  Nor does it move faster because we are waiting for a special event.  It is constant.  And the only thing constant is change.  Life can change on a dime.  This picture showed me that in full color this morning.

I look at my children every day and I don't see the subtle changes that go on with them, but look at a photo from last year and bam-there it is.  My Godson is getting married in May.  I still remember the day he was born and how it took my breath away the first time I saw him.  Watching my children and my nieces and nephews grow up and seize their own lives makes me look back at mine.  I had a conversation yesterday with a woman who had just turned 30 last week.  I told her the best was yet to come and she was thrilled to hear that.  She told me I needed to tell more people that, so here I am.  I don't know why society focuses on youth so much.  I was an idiot in my younger years.  Self absorbed, materialistic, worried about stupid things that don't matter a damn in the grand scheme of life.  I wish someone had warned me (not that I would have listened) that every day is the best day of your life.  Every single 24 hour, 1,440 minutes, 86,400 seconds you get every day is a chance to make it memorable!  Why do we waste it as if we have millions more?  Tomorrow is not promised.  Priorities need to be adjusted.  I'm trying really hard to drill this into my children's minds.  I think I'm making headway with my daughter, my sons ehhh not so much.  Is it because men are more cynical and stubborn?  Perhaps.  Maybe it's because they are in the throws of teenage and early twentydom.  Who knows.  It pains me to see them struggle with the future, when I know that the future will be amazing if they just let go of the control factor.  (Hello pot, this is the kettle---you're black!)  I want them to benefit from my years of stupidity lol.  The more I become "enlightened" the less patience I have with people who refuse to see the light.  Wrong, I know, but true.  And I am nothing if not painfully honest.

I oversaw my friends day care yesterday.  While holding and snuggling this 12 month old girl and watching the 4 year old pack a picnic as he gave me a running commentary of what he was bringing I was instantly transported back to when my kids were little.  I almost fell into a melancholy state knowing that those days were gone forever, but then I knew that I treasured those times deeply and I took full advantage of the days I got to spend at home with my kids.  I got down on the floor and built a block tower with this little boy and I knew full well that I made the most out of the days of my kids being little.  I homeschooled for most of them and I didn't miss a thing.  And now, I get to "enjoy" (yea, I can't lie, teenage years and early twentydom suck for the most part so far) watching them build their lives, make their decisions and even leave the nest.  The days of me thinking that I had forever with my kids right beside me are gone, they were shattered when my oldest went to college.  And I'm ok with that.  I'm excited to see what my life has in store.  I like rediscovering who I am as a person and not just as someone's mommy.  It's like starting over again and getting a brand new life to live.  But we all get that every single day.  The only thing you need to change is how you look at it.  And as someone I love more than anything else in the world said to me this weekend and I quote, "memories never die, that's the best part of making them."

So go make some memories!

Sometimes it's ok to cry

Remaining positive in negative situations is a strength of my family.  Even in the midst of the chaos, turmoil and horrible events that have been plaguing us lately we find a way to laugh.  It is normal to have a lengthy conversation with either my brother or sister that is so wracked with stress and sadness and tension and by the end we have found something to laugh about.  An outsider might think we were cold or heartless or ignorant as to the severity of the situation.  We are none of those things.  We just choose to put our faith in God and always look at the bright side of any situation.  And there is always one.  And we are not weak people.  We don't like to break down, so we choose laughter to offset that.  Sometimes we laugh through our tears too.  But we always find something to be joyful about.

My mother has been battling cancer for nearly a year.  After the doctors assured us all this would be a walk in the park we were ill prepared for the cold hard truth that the chemo just isn't working.  She's been through radiation as well and 3 or 4 different strains of chemo.  The cancer just won't go.  If that was all she was dealing with it might be easier.  However she also has COPD and emphysema and numerous other ailments that have popped up in this past year.  Some might have been there for years, we don't know and never will.  However, at 80 years old and in a weakened state from the cancer and COPD they can't do the surgery that they would for someone younger or stronger.  So we wait.  For what?  We don't say it out loud except to each other.  We are spread across the country from each other and have been doing our best to make sure that someone has been down there every few weeks.  This past week has proven to be more than my dad could handle.  He's letting us help now.  My father is the strongest human being I know.  He is my rock and my hero.  For him to ask for help is unheard of.  He's allowed my brother to handle a lot of the phone calls and my Godson (a med student) to talk to the Drs.  He's repeatedly told us we don't need to come.  That's all changing.  And it's heartbreaking.  Especially since we all have things going on that don't afford us the luxury of being full time caregivers 1300 and 2500 miles away.  Today I made a decision to book a flight for my daughter and I to go down for a little over 2 weeks.  I can't leave her home and she is going to have to miss school. So be it.   My priorities have to be adjusted.  Things that used to be important just aren't right now.  I'm extremely blessed that my job is portable, so I can work where ever there is Internet access.   I am not sure if I'm jumping the gun or if I'm staying too long.  I just did what I felt was right.  Then it hit me.  I'm leaving my boys alone for over 2 weeks.  I feel sick to my stomach.  Then when I think about my daddy dealing with all of this alone I feel sick to my stomach.  I'm forced to choose between my children and my parents.  I know I'm not alone.  This is what this time of life brings for those who are lucky enough to still have their parents, I know.  And this is where we find the positives.

We are so grateful and lucky that my parents are nearly 85 and 80 and we have never had to deal with any illness where they are concerned.  How blessed are we?  We have been so lucky.  This fact is not lost on us.  We knew that this day would come.  I broke down the other night and collapsed into a ball on the floor with my oldest son holding me and my middle guy holding my hand.  I let it all out and they finally saw the toll this has all been taking.  I am very much my father's daughter.  I don't allow them to know how hard some things are, I just do them.  I hated letting them see me like that!  I just couldn't be strong anymore.  And they need to know I'm not a robot. All I wanted was to be with my siblings again.  The three of us with our parents with no one else around, like when we were kids.  Childish I know, but my heart was breaking.  It lasted all of 15 minutes and I was back.  I got up, made dinner and then I realized.  The mask.  The one I donned for the entire time my son had cancer was back.  I hated that f*&king mask.  But it's necessary.  At least this time I was letting my true emotions out to those close to me.  And we were laughing and crying together.  I wasn't so alone.  And it hit me this morning.  My dad was doing exactly what I had done when my son had cancer.  I didn't want to inconvenience anyone or make anyone rearrange their lives to be with me.  Yet I silently hoped they would know how badly I needed them.  That was unfair, but at least I realized it and now I will read between the lines when my dad says no.  When I called him this morning to tell him I was coming he didn't even protest.  He just said softly "I can't wait to see you".  

So, we will do what needs to be done as a family.  My niece is going there this weekend, my sister will go when I leave and then my brother and sister in law will go after that.  Somehow we will make it work.  And we will hold each other up through the laughter and the tears.  And there again is the bright spot.  This family that God has blessed me with will be there through it all and that is a gift that not even this can take away.

January Musings - It's just emotion.....

Well a lot can change in a few days, hell a lot can change in an hour.  I was having a great morning.  I spend most days focusing on the positive and avoiding negative thoughts.  It's the way I've been training my mind now for some time (and I unconsciously lived most of my life like that, but now I'm doing it on purpose and more diligently).  Today, it came unhinged so quickly I just don't know how it happened but I crashed and burned.  Even sitting this evening thanking God for the beautiful sunset and view from the baseball field just didn't fix it.

My mother is sick.  Very sick.  I don't talk about it a lot because that gives the thoughts power.  It has been almost a year since it started.  She had a lump on her neck that was diagnosed as Lymphoma.  The same disease my son had 5 years ago.  Easy to cure, so we were told.  Should be a simple treatment.  Well, that hasn't been the case.  She has COPD on top of it, Emphesyma and now an anuerysm on her aorta.  My brother and sister and I are all far away.  They are 1300 miles away, I'm 2500.  We have all taken turns going down, including my nieces and nephews so that they aren't alone for more than a few weeks.  She has been hospitalized twice in as many months.  She is truly struggling to breathe more often then not.  The chemo doesn't seem to be working, this is the 4th different kind.  Radiation was done, she can't have any more of that.  And then they found the anuerysm on her aorta.  It's like a bad movie.  Only it's not.  It's my family and it's all too real.  My dad is handling it all, but he's getting worn out.  My mom is fighting hard, but she's getting tired.  Praying for a miracle seems to be the only answer.  The COPD is a horrible disease and it's not going away, it doesn't go away it just gets worse.  My mom used to ride her bike 5 miles a day and that kept it from progressing quickly.  But then Cancer reared it's ugly head.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm dissappointed. I'm confused. And I'm grateful.  Let me explain.

I'm angry that this is happening to my family and my parents.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  I'm not stupid, I know people don't live forever, but they weren't supposed to get sick!  Danny took that bullet for us all.  And my brother, with his triple bypass.  They did it!  They took it for us all.  That was supposed to be enough!

I'm sad.  I'm sad that my mom is suffering.  I'm sad that my dad has to watch and deal with it.  I'm sad that we aren't all in the same place to deal with it.  I'm sad my kids have to deal with this and my nieces and nephews.  I'm sad that I can't just stop everything and move there and be with them to take care of them.  I'm also angry about that, add it to the above.

I'm overwhelmed.  I don't know what to do!  There are no guidebooks.  I'm trying to stay strong and do what needs to be done for my kids.  I was at the baseball field today and then left and took Danny to another field for an opportunity and I felt selfish.  How could I be doing this while my parents need me?  I'm sitting outside in the beautiful fresh air and they are in a hospital, alone!  But what am I supposed to do?  My kids need me.  Leaving them isn't an option, I'm all they have.  I can't focus on anything and I have no motivation to do anything but talk to my brother and sister on the phone.  That comforts me.  I spent the entire day yesterday on the phone with my sister.  Nothing got done, but it was comforting.  I don't know what to think, or do or say.

I'm disappointed.  I'm disappointed that some people I love most (outside of my immediate family) aren't there for me.  People I treasure, haven't even asked how my mom is.  Left me cold.  I don't talk about all of this a lot because it's personal and emotional and I don't want to bring people down.  I did the same thing when Danny was sick.  I had my core group of people that I shared with and that was enough for me.

50 is just a number----

Today is my 50th birthday.  AHHHHH...  When I turned 20 I flipped out because I wasn't a teenager anymore.  When I turned 30 I spent over an hour crying to my brother because my life wasn't what I wanted and I hadn't accomplished what I wanted by that time.  When I turned 40 I was in a great place.  I had just moved to AZ had my first warm, sunny birthday of my life. I had 3 perfect kids and was having a home built. My 40s were tumultuous to say the least but they also changed me as lessons often do. 50 is here and I am excited!!!  My life is an empty book and I hold the pen.

I woke up this morning to the one thing I was wanting more than anything--day made.  And I hadn't even gotten out of bed or uttered a word to anyone!  Sweet! I heard someone (R) downstairs emptying the dishwasher.  I had all three of my kids hug and kiss me and wish me a happy birthday (my daughter before she even had her eyes open!)--amazing!  She made me a beautiful card telling me how I am her inspiration and how she always appreciates me.  Yea, this 50 thing was gonna work out just fine!  I opened a beautiful bracelet from my siblings and sibling in laws and nieces and nephews.  I truly could have called it a day and been a very happy girl.

Apparently my dog didn't get the memo because she threw up on the floor but hey, even that wasn't gonna bring me down lol.  I was thinking about how lucky I am to be 50 and have such a strong support system in my world.  I am healthy, thank you God, I feel fantastic.  I have had 5 people in the last 3 months tell me I look 36 and I didn't even pay them!  Life is good.  I don't even know where the day went I didn't do anything out of the ordinary but it was terrific!  My son (D) came home from school with a dozen roses for me and my siblings sent me another surprise too.  I was feeling crazy spoiled!

I realized something this year.  Every day of my life is one that should be celebrated.  It's a gift.  My birthday is just a day that everyone else can join in the party.  And that is the difference in me.  I finally GET it.  Appreciate every single moment and cherish those who love you.  Forget those who don't.  So many people in my world are getting divorced and having relationship issues and it makes me realize I am blessed to have had an easy divorce.  My kids supported me one thousand percent and are happy if I'm happy.  Not everyone is so lucky.  I have little to no dealings with my ex so there is little stress or frustration coming from that area.  My life is good.  Blessed beyond measure I am.

Don't roll your eyes, it's true!  Look at your life.  When was the last time you counted YOUR blessings?  They are there.  I guarantee it.  And before you think, well she's got no problems--WRONG!  My mother is extremely sick and living 2500 miles away, my son had cancer at the age of 10, both of my sons had surgeries this year, I'm a single mom raising 3 kids of varying ages (not easy trust me), I'm trying to navigate sending my 2nd son to college after having the oldest decide it wasn't for him, I've been betrayed, taken advantage of in friendships, had horrible relationships-  the list goes on, but I don't focus on that.  I choose to look at my blessings.  And you should too!  I can assure you if you do, your life will transform over night.  Turn a negative into a positive.  Maybe the person you love the most in the world isn't with you right now---be grateful that you have that love and that person loves you back.  Have faith that when the time is right you will be together.  Is money your issue?  Do you have food to eat, a bed to sleep in, a roof over your head?  Be grateful for those things, some don't.  Has someone close to you passed away?  That's a tough one, I'm sure, but focus on the happy times and the blessings you had by having that person in your life.  Trust me, you will never regret changing your thinking.  It works miracles.

As I look forward to the next 50 years of my life (my kids have assured me I will live to be 100) I can't wait to see what it holds in store.  Now that I've learned the tough lessons I have faith that the rest of my life will be as sweet as the chocolate cake I plan to dig into tonight <3

They aren't interchangeable

Last weekend I took my two youngest up to Las Vegas to a baseball showcase at UNLV for my son to check out the campus and for them to check him out.  We have family in Vegas so it was a perfect opportunity on so many levels.   I love when things work out like that.  We drove up the night before so that we could relax and take our time the first day of the showcase and it worked out perfectly.  I asked my cousin if my daughter could spend the day with her and she was thrilled to take her.  I didn't realize how much I miss having that living so far away from my family.  I knew that she would be well taken care of and have the best time and I could focus on my son without worrying.  Such a blessing.

As my 16 year old and I took off to the campus I was feeling such peace and contentment but I knew he was feeling anxious.  I started feeling it too since the last time he visited a campus he was with his dad and it was less than stellar, shall we say.   We found the field and signed him in and went to sit in the stands.  We were chatting about everything as always and he let out a sigh of relief and said "You see mom, this is why YOU have to take me to this stuff.  You don't stress me out or bring me down I'm totally relaxed now.  You have to promise me that you will take me to every showcase and college tour!"   Alrighty then.   Point taken.  I had been working the weekend he went to the last camp and it was a last minute invitation from a coach who had seen him the week before otherwise I would have been there.  But I got the message.

His attitude certainly showed on the field.  After recovering from his surgery over the summer he was finally back with his usual intensity and passion and skill.  I was teary eyed in the stands and so excited to see it!  He was overjoyed in the car and seemed to like the campus a lot and had a good feeling with the coaches.  The weekend passed and I had such joy in my heart, being around family and watching him on the field, it was just perfect.  Sunday was the last day of the camp and it was pouring rain and freezing cold.  Yet, there I sat under an umbrella covered in blankets with gloves and just feeling so content.  Then we went into the coaches meeting.  On the way I stepped in a huge puddle and the blankets that were keeping me dry suddenly soaked my jeans.  Hmmmm....this day was turning.

The coaches talk was overwhelming to say the least.  He described what my boys life would be like as a player at a D1 school.  It sounded grueling and exhausting yet I looked over at him and he was beaming.  I cried. The tears slid silently down my face as I listened intently to what it would take to get him here.  My heart started aching that familiar ache I had felt 4 years ago when my oldest son was a junior in high school.  He was leaving.  I wouldn't see him every day.  And according to these coaches I would be lucky to get a weekly phone call.  I wasn't ready.  We had been through so much together, he and I are connected in a way that no one else can understand.  I also don't know where he will wind up.  My oldest was only 3 hours away.  Depending on which school offers him the best situation for baseball my baby boy could wind up across the country.  I will have to be okay with that.  I will do whatever it takes and everything in my power to help him fulfill his dreams!  Luckily, that makes me too busy to dwell on the rest of it right now.  

I said to him, hmmm maybe if you play here we will move to Vegas.  His eyes lit up.  Well that was squashed when my daughter firmly said she wasn't leaving her friends or being the new kid in school.  Alrighty then.  I know it will all work out the way it is supposed to and God has it in His firm grasp so I'm open to whatever comes.  This morning I woke up and I had that pang in my heart that he was going to be leaving before I knew it.  It reminded me of when my oldest went to Kindergarten and I was bawling.  Everyone couldn't understand, they looked at me like I was nuts.  "Well you still have D at home".  Yes, obviously I did, but hellooooooo  D wasn't R!  They aren't interchangeable!  My kids are 3 individuals who can't be swapped out for the other.  Just like when R went to college and people said "What are you so upset for, you still have 2 at home!"  OMG they aren't place markers to just fill up a chair at the dinner table.  Jeez.  They are individuals who each have a different and equally special place in my heart and in my life.  

So now, as I prepare to have D leave the nest (and if his dreams come true, he won't be back for any long periods of time again) my heart aches and the sobs come and the tears flow just as much as they did with R.  I didn't think that would happen.  I thought I was prepared.  I thought I was adjusted.  After all R is back home and even though our relationship is much different then before it's still close and there.  Nope, no such luck.  Having D leave might actually be harder.  Hell, what am I saying it will definitely be harder.  Because we have a different relationship and he will be in a different situation. The thought of not being in the stands every time he plays and not knowing how he was feeling after a game makes me physically sick to my stomach.  I will miss him every bit as much as I missed R even though I know he will keep in better contact with me then his brother did.  I know he will miss me just as much.  And the fact that I will still have 2 kids at home with me (maybe only 1 by that time who knows) doesn't make me feel any better.   They aren't interchangeable....they are my babies and I will feel every emotion with each one of them like it was the first time....because it will be---for them. 

Perfect is in the eye of the beholder....

Is your home decked out for Christmas?  Presents all wrapped perfectly every year?  You wouldn't think of serving store bought cookies--the horror, they have to be rolled and cut and perfectly decorated.  Christmas cards---done in calligraphy and out before the 1st of December to people you don't even talk to but once a year. Perfect goody bags and treats for your kids classmates and teachers. You have presents and homemade gifts for every person who you come in contact with, from the mailman to the receptionist at your Drs. office don't you?  Yea---that was me!  And guess what?  I was miserable every stinkin' year.   By the time I got to my sister's tree trimming party I was grouchy and tired and not very much fun.   There was always an emptiness inside of me that I thought came because I didn't get any surprises.  Yea, that's right I said it. 

 I LOVE Christmas!  When I was a kid my brother and I would unwrap our presents from "Santa" and play with them and then wrap them back up with no one the wiser.  (he taught me all his tricks so when he was old enough to buy me presents he would booby trap his room so I couldn't touch them).  I would always feel that bit of disappointment on Christmas morning that I ruined some of the magic.  Then as I got older my brother and sister would spoil me crazy rotten!  I got so many amazing gifts from them and it was so much fun waiting for the time to open them.  Then my boyfriends used to spoil me after that and the Christmas magic continued.  It wasn't greed, in my defense, it was the excitement of not knowing what was in those boxes.  It didn't matter what it was it was that anticipation.  Almost like the having your first kiss every year--.

My family consists of thoughtful and loving people.  We are always thinking about how to make other's lives happy or easier.  It became almost a contest to see who could get me the most excited at Christmas.  I was spoiled.  Things changed when I met my ex husband.  Christmas for him was more about getting things you need and not things you wanted.  Luckily my sister kept my magic alive every year and once my nephew and niece came along the magic became making them the most excited on Christmas morning.  That was magic for me in a whole different way.  Then, my son was born.  I converted my ex husband to the "dark side" of Christmas of want and not need.   Luckily for my kids.  They had and still have magical Christmases.  Every single item on their list was checked off no matter what had to be done to do it.  Seeing them on Christmas morning was my happiness.  But all the extra stuff--the stuff I did for appearances (decorations, cards, cookies, gifts, goody bags) did not bring me joy.  It only brought me stress.

I realized this year that when my daughter was born in 2003 was when I stopped getting everything done before Christmas.  I just realized this year that it is because I wait until after her birthday to start Christmas stuff because I never want her birthday to be mixed in with Christmas. So instead of it all getting done Thanksgiving weekend (the decorating, tree, Christmas card pics) it was getting pushed off until after December 8th.  So every year less and less got done.  This year I did nothing.  That's right, you heard me---nothing!  Not one Christmas decoration is up in my house.  No lights outside.  No cards done.  No presents for anyone except my family and my daughter's teacher (which I must admit I threw together the night before the last day of school).  But guess what?  I am FULL of joy and excitement about Christmas.  Cookies were baked this year.  Snuggling and movie watching occurs almost nightly.  We went out looking at lights. I decided no full blown turkey dinner this year--it's BBQd steak, mashed potatoes and sweet potato casserole (I promised my 16 year old), the tree decorating was the most fun I can remember us having doing the task...EVER.  And guess what?  I'm sure they will never say "hey remember that Christmas when mom didn't send out cards or decorate?"  I bet it will be, "remember that year when Mom just relaxed and enjoyed Christmas?"  And isn't that what it's all about?

So, next year when you are stressing away trying to get it all done I want you to stop and think about it.  Who is this for anyway?  Is it really that important to anyone if the crooked wreath gets hung?  If it is that important to someone then by all means do it!  But don't rob your joy for things that you *think* are important just because you've always done it that way.

Merry Christmas from my family to yours <3 

When in doubt, look up!

Remember a few entries back I said I was different.  That I didn't feel things as deeply.  Well0I'm back to feeling.  Not sure if I like it or not.  Army commercials, FB posts etc are hitting me hard.  Tears streaming down my face in the middle of a college baseball recruiting speech.  Crying at Christmas Carols at my daughter's sing a long.  I'm definitely back to my old self.  What's changed?  A lot!

First, I've been praying a lot more.  Asking God to keep me in the present and let the future take care of itself.  I've been mindful and being present in the current moment and that helps me be happier and grateful.  I have a good life and so much to be grateful for.  Interestingly enough, a stroll down memory lane preparing for my daughter's 11th birthday made me realize that my kids and I are very blessed.  I realized that while I'm a very optimistic person, I have a nasty tendency to pick out the negative in any given situation and that's what changes my perception of past events.  I'm working hard on fixing that and it's making me feel joy again.  I missed joy!  I was very focused on future destinations and was failing to smell the tulips along the way.

The college coach was telling the boys that they wouldn't be seeing their families much because summers would be spent doing camps in different parts of the country.  The tears started flowing.  Chances are that within the next 18 months it will just be me and my daughter at home.  Where will home be?  Will we stay here?  Will we move closer to my boys?  Who knows!  Then I realized it's been 30 years since I lived in the same state as my parents and 10 years since I've lived near my siblings and precious nieces and godsons/nephews and I still consider myself to have a very close bond with them.  Looking back over pictures from the last 11 years they are there through it all.  So, in actuality, distance doesn't really matter--what matters is making an effort to remain in each other's hearts and minds and lives.  Will my kids do that????  I pray they will. This is all part of my lessons.  The not needing a timeline or guarantee of what's coming next.  

It's times like these that I wish I had a partner.  Someone to take charge when I'm feeling weak, someone to hold me when I'm crying, someone who will allow me to do the same for them.  Then I realize that I do.  He's just a prayer away and He knows how it's all going to turn out anyway.  I'm just along for the ride.  And what a ride it is <3

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

It's the holiday season.  Some love it, others loathe it.  Are you a grinch, scrooge or are you Santa himself?  Have you ever given any thought as to why you feel the way you do about the holidays? I have run the gamut of emotions towards this time of the year.   I always looked forward to Thanksgiving because there were foods I didn't get any other time of the year.  I always anticipated the day with such joy, I'm not sure why. I would get so excited when people would be coming over and the smells in the house and the preparation.  It was all so out of the ordinary and I loved that.  Looking back, I spent a great deal of time alone during those holiday celebrations.  I never had anyone my age and back then children were seen and not heard.  My uncle Tommy was someone that I just loved being around.  He rarely paid attention to me looking back, but there was something about him that I just adored!  And he was funny, he would tell stories that had everyone laughing (they of course went over my head but I was enthralled with him nonetheless).  My mother never sat.  Looking back I never remember her enjoying the actual company at Thanksgiving, she was always in the kitchen and as years passed my sister was in there with her.  Did they enjoy the day?  Not sure.  My dad did, that's for sure.  He loved it.  Having everyone over, playing host---that's his thing.  I remember him at the head of the table and my Uncle Tommy at the other.  It was safe for me, and comforting.

As the years passed our Thanksgiving turned into less extended family and our family friends came over.  Those were memories I loved!  It's funny, but now that I'm older the family dynamics of the fact that my aunts and uncles were also my dad's siblings gives me a lot of aha moments that I didn't have back then.  The family dynamics that can make or break a holiday.  Once the holiday became quieter and it was our closest family friends over I definitely enjoyed it more, was included more.  The children should be seen and not heard dynamic was gone more or less because we weren't little anymore.  The stories didn't go as far over my head as they used to.  It was more fun for me.

Then it became a day for just our immediate family and our significant others.  Those were more ordinary (like a regular dinner) a little more stressful (who had to leave at what time to get to their boyfriend/girlfriends family) ---the times had changed.  Then my parents moved to Florida and for a few years it was very lost during Thanksgiving.  My brother would go to his in laws and my sister and I would go to my Aunts.  It was odd.  It felt strange.  I'll never forget the first year I didn't see anyone in my family on Thanksgiving and the food was so much different than I grew up with. I can feel it like it was this morning---it was awful.  That's when I decided I would cook Thanksgiving dinner until the day came that I was physically unable to do it again.

So, in 1988 I started making Thanksgiving dinner and it was hosted at my home every year since.  I've missed a few (one the year I moved and once when I was back in NY for Thanksgiving) but other than that Thanksgiving is MY holiday. When Richie turned 5 I started a tradition of giving him a nutcracker every year on Thanksgiving and Danny got a snowman.  My goal was that when they moved out of my home they would have their own set of Christmas decorations for their own home.  Emily came along and I started her on angels. They look forward to that every year and they each have a nice collection already!   Some years it bothers me that my kids don't have a lot of family coming over or anyone other than us.  But whenever I suggest inviting anyone or doing something different they look at me like I'm nuts.  They love it just being the 4 of us.  We started a new tradition of going and seeing a movie after dinner (I started that knowing I would be getting divorced and I didn't want that first Thanksgiving after the divorce to be weird--I worried for nothing!) Last year nothing was playing so we had a Santa Clause 1 2 and 3 marathon.  They have great memories.  No stress, no strife, nothing but food and football, family and fun.  And the food?  I have it down to a science--I even get to sit and watch the parade <3

Ha....as I'm typing this my daughter came into the room and said "It's almost Thanksgiving mama.  I can't wait for the food!  You always make the best food!"   And with THAT I am very very Thankful xoxoxo

Letting go and moving on...

If the movie Frozen has taught the world anything it's to "Let it Go".  Now, over the years I have learned to let go of lots of things.  Anger.  Bitterness.  Frustration.  Insecurities. Fear.  People. Perfectionism. Judgements. Critical attitudes.  The list goes on.  I was thinking, I am rocking this releasing and letting go stuff.  I've got it all under control.  Oh. Control. riiiiigggghhhhttt...Yea, I haven't actually mastered letting go of that yet!  I thought I had. However, there is one part of my life that I just can't seem to let go of control.

When my kids were little I was a control freak mom.  They had to look perfect.  Matching outfits for the whole family for holidays.  I was over the top.  I used to stress myself out so much tending to the details of birthday parties and wrapping and just every flipping detail.  And I am NOT a detail oriented person.  As I got older I realized it wasn't worth the struggle.  I was trying to impress people that quite frankly I didn't even like.  Trying to portray the perfect family.  Yeaaahhhh, that was a load of crap.  I became so much happier when I stopped doing that!  So were my kids. OK, so I got this right?  I was cooking with gas.

When my oldest started driving I was a crazy control freak---I made him check in constantly and it was just over the top.  I didn't know how to be the mother of a teenager.  We finally worked that out and I let go of the reins a bit.  I kept telling myself when he's in college I won't know what he's doing.  And I was OK with it (felt guilty for being okay with it actually, but I learned).  Now that the middle one is out with his friends all the time and driving I'm OK.  I'm letting go and it's easy peasy.  I've got this right?  I only offer my advice when it's asked for (which luckily my boys DO still ask) and I don't get all pissy if they don't take it.  That's a huge step for me!  So, what else do I need to learn for cryin' out loud.

Relationships.  Yes,  That's my problem.  And I've gotten better with that for sure!  I have had a lot of people come and go in my life and I used to struggle with walking away from relationships.  It's gotten easier as I've realized that some people come into your life for a reason, a season and very few for a lifetime.  Some people are a blessing and others are a lesson.  Usually I can tell the difference.  My intuition guides me in the right direction and when I trust it I can guarantee my decision will be the right one.  The problem is, sometimes I doubt that intuition and that's when the trouble ensues.  When I was younger I would get all angry at certain things and fly off the handle when I felt I was being treated unfairly.  I am a very all or nothing person.  I don't like to waste time with things or people that are bringing me sadness or stress.  I'm also a loving and caring person.  When I love you, I love you with everything I am.  I'm a loyal, loving and I'll give you whatever I have and do whatever I can to help you.  The flip side of my personality is that if you treat me badly and show yourself to not be deserving of my devotion and you betray me well I can write you off and never look back.  I don't have guilt about it either, because up until that time I have given everything I could to the relationship.  I have had pretty much every person that I have left behind in my life come back at some point and want to reconnect.  I am forgiving to a fault and I will forgive and move on.  So, I have the let it go stuff pretty much under control right?  Maybe.

There is one relationship in my life that I just can't seem to let go of.  I don't want to, that's probably it.  It's the first time in my life I can't just walk away with a clean break.  It's frustrating me.  It's not benefiting me in any way.  It's breaking my heart and stressing me out actually.  So why can't I just let it go?  My intuition is saying that I'm not supposed to.  But how do I know that it's not just wishful thinking?  How am I supposed to move forward in my life? When everything I see is pointing one way so obviously, why does my heart say no, that's not how it is.  This has never happened to me before and quite frankly it's left me very sad and frustrated.  I've spent the last nearly 20 years learning to let go of that which is bringing more negative than positive into my life yet I can't seem to get past this one.  Some days I do great and feel like it's all good, I'm moving on and past it and yet others it's as fresh as it was on day 1.  I know that whatever I am supposed to take from this will come to me and help me be better and stronger in the long run.  I just wish the long run wasn't taking so long.  In the meantime, I will practice letting go and call on my angels and God to help me through it and take each day as it comes.  After all.....it's just a day in the life <3

Popping my Bubble

With all the changes I've gone through in the past 3-5 years it is only natural that new people and places come into my life.  I don't like change.  I don't like new.  But, the next half of my life is calling and I need to answer it.  So many people and things have told me I need to let go of the past.  I need to be open to new experiences and new people and whatever life has in store for me.  I'm trying.  That doesn't mean I have to like it.  I used to be able to have a conversation with just about anyone.  I used to be able to make new friends quickly and easily.  I don't like that anymore.  Of course, if you ask any of my friends who have been out with me in public they will tell you that I still have that "gift", I do still strike up conversations with people but I'm not as comfortable doing it as I used to be.  I enjoy living in my little bubble.  I'm kinda pissed that it keeps getting popped.

I'm sort of up in arms this year about my son having to work on Thanksgiving.  It's the first year ever we won't eat dinner as a family.  If you've been reading my blog all along you will know that family dinner is kinda a big deal to me.  I've adjusted to only having it once or twice a week.  I don't like it, but I've put on my big girl panties and I've adjusted.  But THANKSGIVING?  Really?  That's like the biggest family dinner day of the year, just sayin'.  It's an entire day dedicated to dinner.  And this year, there will be one chair empty at our table.  But as my snarky 20 year old informed me today "You know what's great about holidays Ma?  As long as we don't die we get another one next year!"    Yes, I did want to smack him (just kidding, kinda) but he's right.  It's just one.  But its the FIRST one.  And this has opened up a whole new world for me.

I have never considered the many, many people who have to work on holidays.  I have been up in arms about the whole Black Friday running into Thanksgiving fiasco, but I never thought about the people that work at restaurants or movie theaters or grocery stores that have to work too!  I remember one year when I still lived in New York and I hosted Thanksgiving for my family every year I forgot to get heavy cream for the mashed potatoes.  Now, this is not the end of the world by any means.  But, since 7-11 was open 24 hrs a day anyway I did send my ex out to get it from 7-11.  I specifically told him under no circumstances to go to the grocery store.  I wanted creamy potatoes, but I still had standards after all :)  Then a few years back we got a bad turkey.  I knew it smelled funky, but I cooked it anyway.  Ohhhh MMMMM  GGGGG!  The smell in the house was rancid!  Thanksgiving was ruined!  Well, I figured the grocery store people were there anyway so I went over and picked up a small turkey breast to save Thanksgiving.  I felt guilty about it though, not going to lie, and if they weren't open oh well, we wouldn't have had turkey that year.  Not a travesty!  Anyway, where was I ?  Oh right--my bubble being popped!

Last night I went out with some friends for a late night snack and the manager of the restaurant was chatting with us when we said how empty the restaurant was.  I asked about Christmas and Thanksgiving (I'm obsessed I tell you!  This outrage is not ok with me) and he told me they are packed from open to close on both holidays.  My jaw dropped open.  I said "There are that many people with no where to go and have to eat alone?"  (tears were brimming...I was ready to hang a sign up on my door to take them in) he said, "Oh no! There are families packing this place"....WHAT????  People don't stay home or go to family on holidays?  Seriously?  I felt like Alice in Wonderland when she fell down the rabbit hole.  Now I went from feeling bad for the workers to feeling bad for these families.  No home cooked meal on a holiday?  No smells in the kitchen? No pretty table decorations?  No LEFTOVERS? Pop went my bubble.  There is a whole other world that goes on outside my door I tell you and I wasn't sure I liked it.  No, I definitely didn't like it!  Being the obsessed, crazed woman I am I mulled it over before bed, and then again today--a lot.  Then I realized....maybe these people ENJOY their traditions.  Maybe the people that work on the holidays don't all mind it.  Maybe it's not a huge deal to them, kinda like I despise New Years Eve (I'd love to work on New Years eve I tell ya!).  Who says my way is the right way?  There is a whole other way of doing things out there obviously.  None that I think I prefer, but out there nonetheless.  

Now that my bubble is popped I am eager to see what else I've been missing.  Who knows?  2015 might bring a whole new me <3

Watching boys become men.....

My sons are the loves of my life.  Don't get me wrong I ADORE my daughter but my boys...well they are my boys.

When they were little I spent practically every waking moment with them.  I think I lived my life in a bubble.  I never thought about what they'd be like when they were adults, I just relished in their childhood and their presence no matter what age they were.  Thinking about the future for me back then entailed the current year we were in.  I never thought about them growing up and not needing me every second.  When they would drive, or work or date or grow up and leave our home.  So, each milestone hit me like a ton of bricks once they reached high school age.  When my oldest left for college I thought I would have to be committed.  I was devastated.  But, it became the new normal and we all adjusted.  It became the next stage of life.  And it was all OK.  He came home this year and decided not to go back to school, another adjustment---we did it, all of us.  It's again the new normal. Then my younger son got his license and that was it---I never see him.  Now, he's working---the nights that we can have family dinner are dwindling down to maybe 1 a week.  It's OK, I adjusted it's a new normal.  Yesterday he said to me, "Wow, mom I haven't been alone with you in the car in forever!"  It was nice to chat with him in depth without interruption.  I had the same thing with my oldest this week a few times, things I used to take for granted, just talking to my boys is now a cherished happening.  It's nice to know they cherish it too.  I'm blessed.  Most kids their age take their parents for granted and don't really WANT to spend any time with them.  That's how I was at that age.  Which leads me to my thoughts today.....

Most parents want certain things from and for their kids.  I always ALWAYS only wanted them to be happy.  Do I relish when they succeed?  Absolutely!  I love when their grades are high and they are given an award, do well during a baseball game---all of that.  But that's my ego, not my heart.  My heart---it just wants them to be happy.  I realize that most of my childhood and most people I know are superficial.  It's all about how it looks to people. The status of their jobs, their cars, their bank accounts.   I don't give a shit about any of that anymore.  I get annoyed when I talk to those who are in that mindset---actually, I think I've cut out pretty much everyone who does for the most part.  Maybe occasionally interacting on Face book, that's about all I can handle.  Life is so much more than that!

I had a conversation with my oldest yesterday about how people take their jobs so seriously it's ridiculous.  Unless you are saving lives, really?  Does your job mean THAT much?  People put their entire worth into what they do for a living.  It's sad to me.  You are supposed to work to live not live to work.  Life is about relationships and family and food and fun and enjoying---not the bottom line!  However, with that being said, my family has an amazing work ethic.  We do the best at whatever we are given to do.  I am proud of that.  My nieces, nephews, siblings and my own children all have that ethic.  My parents are amazing role models in this behavior.  No matter what task they undertook they did it to the best of their ability (which, not gonna lie, is better than most people's abilities, just sayin').

I have always babied my kids.  I did everything for them.  Never asking them to so much as empty the garbage when they were younger.  Never made their beds, put laundry away, did dishes, hell didn't even prepare their own breakfast until they were like 14.  When my oldest went off to school he accused me of making him unable to care for himself.  Wow-slap in the face---but he had a point!  So, with that I started making them do certain things for themselves.  It made me worry that I had raised spoiled, inept human beings who had a sense of entitlement.  Crap.  That would suck. Then my oldest got a job---that kid busted his ass every day in 115 degree heat with rarely a complaint.  Never called in, never left early, never took a day off.  Thank God, he has it!  He has the work ethic.  Do whatever you do to the best of your ability.  He told me the other day that when he's put in charge at work he's very fair.  He even gave me credit for teaching him how to be fair, that was a nice plus :)

Now his younger brother has joined the work force.   He's got the same attitude.  He didn't love not getting home until midnight the other night when he was supposed to be finished at 9 and had to leave the house at 8 am for baseball.  But he did it.  Kept a positive attitude about it.  He makes me so proud!  These boys were raised in an environment that depicted work as something to complain about....something to hate....to make you miserable, but something that had to be done and in effect defined who you were.  I'm so glad they didn't take any of that into their personalities.  I'm so happy that their genetics won out where that was concerned.  My dad is a HUGE role model for my boys.  They take their cues from him and they couldn't ask for a better example.  I'd like to think that my influence has given them the ability to see what's important in life and how to find balance.   I love that they look forward to time spent together as a family at this stage in their lives.

Being in this phase of life, with my boys branching off and starting their own lives and my role in those lives being reduced to a supporting cast member, it's hard to remember what it was like when we spent 24/7 together and life was just us and the only outside influence was when and who I chose.  This just seems normal and right.  I truly thought when I got to this stage I'd be devastated and living in the past and melancholy---but I'm happy and excited to see what this stage brings.  Just like every other stage with my kids---I never rushed it, just enjoyed it and learned from it.  After all----it's just a day in the life <3