Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

Time makes you bolder, children get older---I'm getting older too....

Well, I got to see my oldest son for the first time in nearly 2 months.  I was nervous but excited to see him.  We've talked for hours every week on the phone, but I wanted to SEE him.  I was really anxious that morning and I didn't want to go.  I assumed it was because it's nearly a two hour drive one way and I hate the drive, no....I should have trusted my gut that it was going to be a tough day. 

My gps sent me on a wild goose chase and I arrived late to his Drs appointment.  I was really only going to the Dr's appointment to advocate for him.  The doctor and his father want him to take anti depressants in addition to the medication that he's already on.  He doesn't want it.  He said every appointment in the last 2 months that I've missed they have been trying to convince him to take the extra medication.  I wanted him to feel like he had back up.  The doctor asked me if I had something to add to the conversation when it was wrapping up.  This is the first time he has asked me that and I explained what my concerns were about adding yet another medication.  I indicated that my son and I had discussed this and I also indicated that I don't live with him and I turned to my ex and asked if he noticed anything different than what I was stating.  The entire time I was in the doctor's office when my son and I were speaking I saw him out of the corner of my eye shaking his head.  I knew he disagreed and was giving him a chance to share his concerns.  Nope.  Said nothing.  We left the office and were talking outside and he blew up.  Would not let me or my son finish a thought, was completely passive aggressive, indicated that he was the one that was taking care of my son and I had no right to have these discussions with him.  Wow.  Ok, I took a breath.  I calmly said that wasn't fair.  That I have taken care of these children since before they were born and I understood his frustration but that was below the belt.  He proceeded to get into his car and scream at us and I calmly asked him to please discuss how he was feeling and help us to understand.  I treated him as I would anyone that was hurting.  I told him we cared (I don't---I'm being honest here) and that I understood he was upset and then it came out.  He was furloughed for the week without pay.  Bam-  there it was.  That was his issue.   Money.  Work.   Nothing had changed in the 34 years that I've known this man.   He left and my son and I got in my car and after calming HIM down now we made a plan for the few hours we would have together.  He asked me to come up to the apartment because he needed to do something and wanted me there as a buffer.  I handled my ex, as I have for the last 26 years by providing a buffer so my kids didn't have to deal with his misplaced anger.  It was easier than ever before because I don't care anymore.  His actions can't affect me the way they used to, I don't have any skin in the game so to speak.

I spent the next few hours with my son.  Discussing everything and anything as we always do.  It breaks my heart to watch him dissect his life and blame himself for his past actions.  He discussed failures.....I told him there were no failures in life.  The only failure is in not trying.  Being afraid to try and also to hold onto something long after it's expiration date.  I used my marriage as an example.  I said I didn't consider my marriage a failure because I have my 3 most precious gifts in life as a result of that union.  I also learned so much about what I don't want in life so that I can focus on what I do want.  He apologized yet again for how he hurt and destroyed me over the last 7 years.  I told him that he didn't destroy me---I became the person I am because he made me see myself differently.  He helped me to grow as a person and I was grateful for that.  He looked stunned.  I hope I got through to him.  I needed more time with him.  I wanted more time with him.  I hate leaving him.  He needed to get to work and I know he needed time alone to process what I had said and what had transpired.

I got in the car to drive home and I felt....I don't even know what I felt.  I was just numb.  I realized that I had removed so many things in my life that caused me pain.  So many people that caused me to feel angry and hurt and frustrated.  This altercation brought back SO much of the past that I had forgiven and forgotten....why?  Why was I being reminded of the reasons my marriage didn't work?  Why was I being shown that my ex husband has not changed at all, at ALL?  Why was I being reminded of how viscous and mean he could be and how I used to respond the same way?  So that I could see how much I've changed?  That I could see WHY I used to treat others that way when I was hurting?  To break this pattern once and for all?  I don't know.  All I knew was that I was shattered.  I wanted to scream of my hatred for this man...I wanted to do what I used to and call whoever would listen and get it all out---to scream about the unfairness of the situation and have someone make it better.  Not this time.  Never again.  I was the only person who could get these feelings out, to repair this damage he had inflicted once again. No one can fix me except me.

Trigger one - insinuating that I wasn't a good mother, because he was taking care of our son.  Response:  I never stopped taking care of my son.  And honestly, why do I care what he thinks?  His opinion of me doesn't count!

Trigger two - not letting me finish my sentence and allowing me to explain my point of view. And then shutting down and leaving without resolving anything.  Response:  when someone isn't in a place to receive what I have to say or what I have to give I have to stop trying.  It's not going to work.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I spent most of my adult life trying to make this man happy.  Giving up what I wanted or needed to just keep peace.  I will never allow myself to do that again for anyone or anything.  I was a people pleaser.  I never looked at myself that way because it isn't all people.  It's people I love.  Then I thought about it.  I realize I didn't even know what love was for most of my life.  What I had been searching for is someone to love me.  To make me feel loved.  I think that's why my oldest was able to destroy me the way he did....because he was my first love.  He was the first person to love me.  Truly love me.  He appreciated everything I had to offer.  He allowed me to love him totally and completely and without thought for myself.  That is what I wanted.  That is how I wanted to love someone.  It made me feel good enough.  For the first time in my life.  Being a mother made me feel good enough.  My younger son and my daughter just continued that.  I think that's why I devoted everything I had to being a mother----I was good enough.  Maybe that's why I couldn't accept love before that---I didn't feel worthy.

My younger son asked me what I wanted him to bring on Mother's day.  I told him I'd make fajitas---he was like ummm it's Mother's day.  I said I know, but this is what I love.  I love cooking and I never get to do it anymore.  He said ok (which is shocking because he fights me all the time to allow him to take care of me).  I realized that morning that all those years when I didn't want to lift a finger on Mother's day it wasn't about needing to be pampered----it was because I wanted my ex husband to WANT to pamper me.  I wanted him to appreciate me!  I have so few things that I want or need in life and he didn't fulfill any of them except financially.  Once I got divorced it wasn't that I didn't want to allow my children to spoil me on Mother's day, it was that I didn't need it.  All I ever wanted for any holiday was a letter from them (and what a doozy from my daughter this year--wow!)  But I now realize that THEY might need it.  They want to show me that appreciation.  But honestly?  They show me every day!  From my oldest sending texts of love and asking how I am, my middlest always being there when I need him and never making me ask, and my daughter's love notes on the coffee maker or on my wallet and being my partner in crime....I'm so damn blessed with these humans that I created.  I don't need Mother's day.  That's not to say the flowers and mask (yes 2020 Mother's day hits differently) and the stunning diamond necklace I wasn't thrilled.  I was stunned and cried, of course and I accepted it graciously because I know it made them happy to do it.  I've grown up enough to allow others to do things for me too.

I am all over the place damn.  Fast forward to today.  I don't need someone else to validate that I am enough.  I know that I am.  I know that I am worthy.  But what a fucking journey to get here, but after all---it's just a day in the life.

And I'm still trying to understand how a boy became a man

If you've been following me for any length of time you know that I'm a bit obsessed with my sons.  I have had different relationships with both of them.  They are 4 years apart and I always thought they were basically as different as night and day.  They do have their differences but right now....in this moment, they have more similarities than differences.  I was in a really bad place today.  I did something to my back and I've been in a lot of pain and not really able to do anything today.  I spoke to my younger son first this morning and after convincing him that I was really fine and didn't need him to send me food or anything else we had our normal conversation.  This evening I spoke to my first born and it struck me once again how blessed I am to have these men in my life.  Excuse me while I wipe the tears away as I type this.  The relationship that I have with my boys is so precious to me I really don't think anyone understands.  Especially as they begin to share with me the things they feel they have learned/gotten from me.  My younger son and I have not had that period of our relationship where he doesn't like me.  Where he has that "wow my mother is ...fill in the blank with the negative phrase"  Yes, we have had moments but not huge periods of time.  My oldest and I have had a very rough nearly 10 years (wow...last I checked it was 5---that escalated quickly!).  Since he turned 17 our relationship really changed. He blamed me for basically everything in his life that was wrong---well it was not pleasant, it was horrible to be honest.  We even went through a period of estrangement that lasted 8 months.  At that point I never thought we would be where we are now.  During our conversation today we touched on things that we have been working through during this period of global reset.  It struck me that the three of us are all going through similar periods of clearing, healing and growth.  We discussed things that we have been mulling over and I was relaying a huge time when I had to release things when I was close to his age.  He (in his wisdom) said, "Ma, I'm pretty sure they were threatened by you.  Which is really funny to me, because it's kinda like being threatened by Winnie the Pooh.  Like, Winnie the Pooh walks up and they're like "did you see how he said "oh bother"????    To some that might not make sense or even matter.  But to me????  It struck me in the heart twofold....1.  I decorated his nursery in Winnie the Pooh---I love Winnie the Pooh----and he has never ever mentioned Winnie the Pooh.  2.  Him saying this means he sees me through my heart and my kindness---which hasn't always been the case.  It melted me, honestly.  He told me today that he credits me with his positive side, whenever he is able to be positive and happy in the midst of chaos or negativity, he says "I get that from my mom."....if he only knew how much that means to me.  He also told me that I am the "time to buckle down and do it, even if you don't want to and it sucks" person.  He talked about stuff he did today that he REALLY didn't want to but he forced himself to because it had to be done.  It's nice for him to be giving me credit for the positive aspects of his personality.  Now if I could only get him to pray and turn to God I think his entire life would turn around.....I'm not giving up on that!

My younger son and I ---well the God part is huge with us.  We look at things the same way nearly all the time.  Our conversations are similar to the one I just relayed with my oldest, but I've come to expect that from our talks. He and I discuss our emotions much more than the average person. We have always had similar attitudes about things, but today it really hit me once again how very blessed I am to have raised these men.   They are proof to me that not all men are stoic or emotionless.  Not all men are stubborn or too prideful to admit their true vulnerabilities.  Maybe they're not like that with everyone, true.  But they are like that with the people that matter to them---the people they love and trust.  They are so compassionate with me, and their sister.

They both always ask how I am and truly take the time to listen.  They're my closest confidants.  I miss their physical presence so much during this quarantine.  I miss their handsome faces and their amazing hugs.  I miss their smiles and just absorbing their energy.  I miss the way they smell.  It brings me back to the days when they were little and how every minute of my day was spent taking care of their needs, including their education.  I see all these parents complaining about having their kids home and having to home school and I just feel jealous.  I would give anything to go back to that time again, knowing what I know now.  Knowing they would turn into these incredible men and that they would still love me with all their hearts and we would be friends.  I understand a lot of these parents are working from home and don't have the time to devote that I did, but still.  To be able to build Legos again and play dough and paint and build forts---even for just a day.  To remember their smells and wipe those tiny little hands after they eat.  To see those bedhead faces and smiles when they came downstairs in the morning.  Dancing in the kitchen to our favorite songs.  I'm missing that so much during this time.  It sucks that because they had to grow up, so did I.

Right now, I feel like we're growing together.  I am open about my feelings of being lost at this time in life.  Not knowing what's next for me and being confused about the whole thing.  We help each other navigate the whole thing, this thing we call life.  God willing we will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  I love watching them become the men I knew they could be...and I thank God every single day for the gift of their presence in my life.  Most women pray for a man like their daddy----I am praying for a man like my sons.  One who will be open and honest about their feelings and own up to their mistakes and shortcomings.  One who doesn't have it all figured out and is okay admitting that and accepting help along the way.  And most importantly, one who sees the good in me, who knows my heart and accepts me exactly as I am, because after all......it's just a day in the life.

Ashes to Ashes....dust to dust....

I've been guided to write this entry a million times.  Not this specific entry but my next entry.  I have been in a self induced cave where no one has been allowed to enter.  I have never done that before.  I've always had a group of people that I relied on during difficult times in my life and I was always an open book.  So much turmoil has happened in my life over the last 10 years and gradually people that didn't make the cut fell out of my life (ok, some of them maybe I pushed them out and locked the door, but that was necessary too 😉).   I have learned so much about myself and changed so much about myself and it's still happening.  It just happens easier now.  I know that it is all part of my journey back to me.

My daughter had a friend spend the last week with us while her mom was away on business.  It was so nice to have my home filled with daily laughter.  I realized once again how much I miss that.  Don't get me wrong, it's not that my home is filled with unhappiness, it's that my home isn't full anymore, there is just the two of us--my daughter and me.  My son and daughter in law visit a lot, I see my son at least once a week.  But it's not the same as coming down the stairs and hearing my 3 blessings laughing together watching (gulp) Sponge Bob, or the Office.  Anyway....I've been traveling to Clearwater 3 or 4 times a month to see my older son and those drives are long and provoke a lot of thoughts.  This week I was excited, thinking about an upcoming trip where the fab four will be reunited once again.  I remembered so many trips that the four of us went on over the years, the way we worked as a well oiled machine and I started to weep.  I think, for the first time in a very long time we might be able to get back to that place.  Hope filled my heart and hope is something that I haven't allowed myself to feel in ages.

I realized that I talk or text my children every day.  I realized that we are still very much connected and that they are my inner circle.  When meeting with my older son's doctor this week he was pushing my son to expand his social circle.  My son just shook his head.  I felt myself get defensive.  I looked over at my ex husband and he looked emotionless.  The doctor said I know you have a great support system with your family but...  This was the first time I looked at this doctor like he didn't hang the moon.  I love this man.  I truly am so very grateful for his mere existence on this planet.  He has been able to help my son in a way that no one else has.  But, he just didn't GET my family.  Why do we need outsiders when we give each other all that we need?  That we can TRUST each other like you can't trust outsiders.  That we GET each other like other people can't.  I guess we're weird.  And yes, I agree I want my son to have at least one person, outside of our family that he can turn to and have fun with.  But I just felt protective.  It made me think about my entire life and I realized that I usually only have 2 or 3 people maximum outside of my own family who I actually think of as my people.  My children have been that way too.  Is that wrong?  Why does society judge people on how many friends or followers they have?  I think it's wrong.  It's not about having a gang of people it's about having the RIGHT ones.

My daughter has her first true relationship.  He....is....amazing!  He is exactly what I have prayed for since she was born.  He's kind, sweet, respectful, handsome, athletic, honest, and loyal.  From the moment I met him I knew he would not break my little girls heart.  I told her she better not break his.  He was texting me the other day and I realized how lucky I am.  My ex boyfriends never had conversations with my parents and they certainly never initiated them!  My daughter in law fit into our family so easily from the beginning. She and I love spending time together and I look at her as a friend who happens to be married to my son.  Now my daughter is starting her journey and she's chosen someone who values her relationship with me and her brothers and has a really good relationship with his family as well.  See?  It's not about having a lot of people, it's about having the right ones!

I have stepped up my prayers for my oldest.  I often wonder why he has had to endure the things he has had to.  Unfortunately, he has a very sour view on marriage and relationships after having his heart broken in college and from my marriage.  He said his father asked him the other day "what do you think happened with me and mom?"  My son reminded him of an incident in 2008 when I started sleeping on the couch.  I had forgotten all about the betrayal that started the true end of my marriage because a. I had been done for a long time and b. I am a forgiving person and I guess I do forgive and forget.  It is sad to me that my son remembered (and reminded his father, since he apparently had forgotten as well and I'm sure thought it was something I did 😏).  This prompted a walk down memory lane on that drive home and I remembered with agonizing clarity moments when I thought I could not ever recover from the pain and shambles that life had become at that moment. I often wondered why some people have more than their fair share of suffering in this lifetime.  And maybe, just maybe, my son is right when he thinks that he is meant to just suffer in this lifetime.

The other day I had lunch with my dear friend Nancy.  At one point she got teary and said "You are so strong".  I looked at her with my head tilted (we weren't even really talking about everything that has been going on in my life) and I asked her why she said that.  She said "You just have gone through...well you have a LOT on you".   That got me to thinking about the fact that maybe I am not meant to have the happily ever after and maybe I am supposed to suffer as well.  But that doesn't feel right in my soul.  I know that can't be true, I have too much faith to believe that.  And that's when I read/heard (my new thing is having the audio book AND the print book so I can multitask) this. I could never put it as clearly as Lysa Terkeurst did in her book "It's Not Supposed to be this Way" so I'm going to share her words with you and hope you get the same AHA moment as I did...she was discussing how we were formed from dust and when you are shattered you become dust once again, and God uses that dust to remold you into the masterpiece you are destined to become....

I learned about these very necessary “pieces and parts” one day with a friend whose mother is a professional potter.

I was sharing with her about how, when we place the dust of our shattered places into God’s hands and He mixes it with His living water, the clay that’s formed can then be made into anything. She smiled so big. She’d seen clay being formed into many beautiful things when placed into her mother’s hands. And she shared something with me that made my jaw drop.

She told me that wise potters not only know how to form beautiful things from clay, but they also know how important it is to add some of the dust from previously broken pieces of pottery to the new clay. This type of dust is called “grog.”

When shattered just right, the grog dust added to the new clay will enable the potter to form the clay into a larger and stronger vessel than ever before. And it can go through fires much hotter as well. Plus, when glazed, these pieces end up having a much more beautiful, artistic look to them than they would have otherwise.  

A broken potsherd can lie on the ground and be nothing more than a constant reminder of brokenness. It can also be used to continue to scrape us and hurt us even more when kept in our hands. Or, when placed in our Master’s hands, the Master Potter can be entrusted to take that potsherd, shatter it just right, and then use it in the re-molding of us to make us stronger and even more beautiful.When I understood this, I saw that in all my circumstances God was keeping me moldable while adding even more strength and beauty in the process. 

I wanted to share this with my son and give him hope for his future, but I know he's not ready to hear this yet.  He needs to learn it for himself, the way I had.  But it at least gave me hope for him....and for me too.  For me I just need to make sense of the why things happen the way they do....I need to understand so I can move on and accept....and this helps me do that.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Let me tell you about the newest addition to our family....

WRITTEN 1/19/19 PUBLISHED 1/4/20


I've written a few blog posts dedicated to all of my children.  I've written one addressed to my son's future wife....but that was before she was here.  Today...I need to write about my daughter in love....my son's lovely wife.

First off, let me say that praying for your children's future spouse truly works!  My daughter in law is by far the most perfect match for my son.  They are young, 21 and 20.  Some would say too young to be married but I'm a firm believer in "when you know you know" and follow your heart.  My daughter in law (I need to find a better term for that) left the only life she had ever known at the young age of 19 to move across the country to be with my son.  She had no idea that an engagement ring waited for her a few short weeks later, she just followed her heart and God's guidance.  She continues to do so while they navigate through this journey of life together, hand in hand.

Yesterday, while my son started his Real Estate training I got to spend the day with her.  I forgot just how much I missed our time together.  I speak to my son almost daily, but she isn't as much of a texter as he is and we fell back into our pattern of random texts without much depth.  Yesterday she came to work with me and we had lunch together and it was just so amazing.  I tear up just feeling the gratitude in my heart for this young woman and the way she handles life.  I could learn so much from her!  Most would think it was the other way around and I'm sure I've taught her a few things along the way but she is so inspirational.  My son is extremely intense.  He's incredible and smart and motivated and funny and loving....but extremely intense.  He also is extremely reliant on his support system...which used to be me but has now switched to his wife.  I drilled that into his head from a young age---your wife comes first!  And now, I see he listened.  She is his everything, he adores her, worships her, builds his life around and for her...but with that comes intense pressure and she handles it with grace and ease.  I'm crazy about her.

Spending just that brief time yesterday with her we reconnected and strengthened our relationship just like that.  Last night she sat at the island while I made dinner, just the way she used to and my heart was so happy.  How lucky am I ?  I would like to think I'm a pretty good Mother in Law but that would be for her to decide.  But when God was giving out daughter in laws, I'm certain he gave me the best

Welcome 2020

Here we are again....the end of the year, but this year it's the end of a decade!  My memory is fuzzy but this decade was jam packed for sure.  I started it with my oldest being 16 and ended it with my youngest being 16.  I got divorced, moved 3 times (once across the country), I discovered my connection to my angels and the spiritual realm, I went from being a stay at home mom to working for 2 different companies full time...those are just the basics.  I don't even recognize the woman I was 10 years ago...hell I don't recognize the woman I was 12 short months ago.  I began this year with so much hope and conviction of what would transpire during this year.  I am ending it with the knowledge that I don't know anything and that sometimes life is just what it is and you have to accept it.    In this decade there have been communions, confirmations, surgeries, engagements, graduations - high school and college, weddings, deaths and births, beginnings and endings, more than I can count.  My heart has been overflowing and it's been broken.  Has it been different than past decades?  I think so.  I think the events that transpired were harder than ever before.  I've become numb to things that would have destroyed me in the past.  I don't feel things as deeply as I have in the past---is that age?  Maybe.  But I think it is more about disappointment breaking down the ability to feel as deeply.  The fear of feeling utter joy and bliss because the pain of it being taken away is too devastating than never feeling that joy and bliss in the first place.  I am ending this decade in a place of acceptance.  Accepting life as it is and not expecting anything but what is.  If something good comes then I'm pleasantly surprised, if something bad happens I'm not shocked.  I know that it is all in God's hands at the end of the day and in His time.  That brings peace.  Joy is something I've traded for peace I suppose.  I'm not going to lie, I miss joy.  Even when I am at my happiest I am unable to feel joy.  I'm making that my mission in this next decade---to not let the fear of it being taken away to stop me from feeling joy.  Or maybe contentment is what you feel as you get older.  I look around and I see people just existing and I never wanted to be that person.  I never wanted to just allow life to pass by without truly embracing the wonderful moments.

Thanksgiving was a great day.  We enjoyed dinner and then went to Disney  World.  I had my kids all with me, everyone was getting along-  but I just didn't feel fully happy. I was standing in the kitchen looking at my family gathered around the table together, laughing and that woman who started the decade would have been bursting with joy.  My daughter turned 16 this month.  My sister flew in to surprise her and it was really a wonderful weekend.  I looked around the table when we were all laughing and truly enjoying being together, yet joy wouldn't come.  That's when I realized something was wrong.  That's when I realized that this decade really did kick my ass.  I vowed that I was going to change that.  I was going to find out how to get that joy back.  In fact, I decided I'm going to write a book about this very thing.  This can't be all there is---just existence. I don't want to believe it.  Yet that is where I'm at.

Well I took a break in writing this and this past weekend brought a situation back that has broken my heart in the past more than once.  I handled it like a robot.  I had absolutely no emotion.  I just went through the motions and stoically handled  it.  I called my sister to inform her of the situation and told her how I just didn't care anymore, that it didn't matter.  After a lengthy conversation she convinced me that I was blocking any feeling because I just could not allow it again.  I couldn't allow myself to feel the pain anymore. Shit.  As usual, she knows me pretty damn well and confirmed my earlier suspicions .  I went about my day and I slowly found myself remembering things that made me feel differently.  She was right.  I have blocked things that make me feel the pain and heartbreak of certain situations.  I have stopped hoping for better things on the horizon, I've stopped thinking that happy endings are guaranteed.  I am still a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" and that God's plan is always unfolding, however I've given up thinking things will get better.  I do believe that whatever comes I will have the strength to deal with it.

I suppose what I need to decide as I enter this next decade is if being numb is better than feeling the good and the bad and all the emotions in between.  In this decade I have felt the happiest I had in my entire life and the most broken and sad as well.   I know I've written about this before and back then I decided that being numb was not the answer, because I would rather 5 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special (Thank you Shelby/Steel Magnolias).  I think I'd like to change my answer.  I'll take numb for $500 Alex.  I guess what the last decade has taught me is how to deal with everything life throws at me without getting wrapped around the axle about it.  I just treat it all like it's just a day in the life, because, after all----that's what it is.

You are so beautiful....to me

I've never been a dater.  I was always a relationship person.  I haven't had many relationships either.  That's just who I am.  When I fall in love it's serious to me.  I don't take it lightly.  I've also been lucky, I suppose, to always fall for men who were also relationship people.  I never had someone play with my heart purposely.  I guess that's saying a lot at almost 55 years old.  I have heard some truly horrible stories.

Being single is new to me.  I have always gone from one relationship to another.  Codependency was my middle name.  That's what this period of being single has been about---breaking that history of  codependent behavior.  Well, I've succeeded.  I've succeeded to the point where the thought of dating is so far from my radar it's not visible. I've been encouraged to put myself out there---not appealing.  Today, I was approached in, of all places, the grocery store.  He was a very sweet man.  We exchanged pleasantries and he expressed an interest in taking me to dinner and getting to know me better.  Very kind, cute and not creepy, which was a plus.  He asked for my number and when I hesitated he gave me his and told me to call him if I wanted that date.  Then he told me how beautiful I was.   It was very sincere too, in fact I don't think he meant to say it out loud honestly.   It was very flattering, I'm not going to lie.  I realized I have had a wall up and have been extremely unapproachable over the last nearly 30 years.  Like I said, when I'm in a relationship I am all in.

I replayed the conversation over in my mind and I realized that no one I've been involved with (except 1 person) used the term beautiful (wait... 2 but the 2nd one never used it the first time we dated and that's really when it counted) to describe me.  My looks were never what the men I was involved with seemed to care about.  I used to think it was because I was, in fact, not really beautiful and that I was lucky they "settled" for me and that my personality was enough.   I am now a much more secure woman and I realize that I was lucky, not that they "settled" for me but that they cared more about me as a person and my looks were just a bonus.  There was a time when I would have killed for my ex husband to say "You look beautiful!"  or "You are so pretty" but that didn't happen, ever.  It was after my divorce that I dated someone who could not get over how "beautiful" I was. Even when I was 13...and 15 and dated him for the first time.  Looking back?  That was the only thing he loved really.  He loved being with me because it made him feel worthy.  Yuck.  I didn't like that feeling at all.  However, being with him made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life.  So, I thank him for that.  After ending that relationship I had a new found love for myself, a worthiness that I didn't have before.  And one that can't be taken from me and that isn't dependent on anyone else's approval.

I was talking to one of my confidants today after this experience and I told her what I just wrote.  She has had no less than 5 men reach out to her over social media this past month telling her that she was beautiful and wanting to get to know her (she is newly single for the first time as well).  We laughed saying there must be something in the air.  We also admitted that it can't be easy for a man to put himself out there like that (especially in person!) and we admired their bravery.  However, we both agreed that that is not how we want people to see us---just by what's on the outside.  We are both women who don't have "a type".  I have always been attracted to a man based on his personality, his sense of humor especially and his smile.  I would like to be appreciated for the same things.  My eyes have always been something that men have commented on---I get that.  I look at eyes too.  But, as I'm getting older, so are my eyes and they aren't what they used to be 👀😉so I'm hoping that isn't my only redeeming quality.

As a child my dad always commented on our beauty.  He used to sing a song to my sister about a beautiful girl.  When my daughter was little I would tell her all the time she was the most beautiful girl in the world.  That's because that's what *I* needed to hear, that's what I craved to hear.  Well, luckily, it worked because she doesn't give a rat's ass if someone tells her she's beautiful--she damn well knows she is.  She's heard it her whole life.  She is confident in a way I never was.  I will be curious to see what she wants her significant other to appreciate in her.

I guess the morale of this story is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder....and this beholder finally sees hers  inside and out....because today was truly a day in the life.

They say old lovers can be good friends.....

Life just continues to twist and change.  When I first got divorced I didn't want to be in the same room as my ex husband.  It was weird and awkward and I needed to be away from him permanently.  I wanted him to have a relationship with our children that did not include me.  That did not happen.  He still tried to include me in every conversation/meeting/purchase that he made for them.  It was so frustrating to me that I just detached completely from him.  This was not what I wanted, I wanted to be able to be cordial and have an amicable divorce.  When people would see us together at events they were shocked by how well we got along.  Sure, because it didn't matter to me anymore.  I wasn't looking for anything from him but to be a father to our children.  I wasn't invested in the relationship anymore.  I had laid down my sword, so to speak.

We had a really bad patch for about 10 months where we didn't speak and it was vicious.  Things happened that I never thought would, he did things I never thought he would.  He was being influenced by people close to him that really didn't like me.  One of them our oldest son.  We got through that phase and slowly began to be friends again.  I have reached out to him a few times since he moved to Florida and he's been there for me and I am grateful.  He mentioned he had no where to go for Thanksgiving and asked what we were doing.  I told him we were going to Disney but he was welcome to come for dinner at noon.  My kids were shocked.  My sons have made peace with him and have created their own unique relationship with him.  My daughter, well she wants nothing to do with him and was less than thrilled but was accepting of it.  This week I had a huge issue with my car and I reached out to him for help.  Via text he said something that made me say wow.  you know me pretty well --- he could tell in a 4 word text that I was losing my shit.  He said obviously he did. 

He was here a week or so ago and we sat down to talk when he brought our son home.  Something came up and made us remember a trip to Disneyland when the kids were younger and he reenacted it and we were literally laughing until we cried.  My oldest and youngest looked at each other with bewildered faces.  They had no memory of what we were talking about.  It was so strange because it was like reminiscing with an old friend.  I truly forget that we were married for 23 years.  I look at him and it's like he's just someone I've known forever.  There is a comfort level there that makes certain things so easy.  We discussed Christmas and we still work like a well oiled machine when it comes to the kids.  He remembers all of those Christmases that we played Santa and I don't have to explain it.  He used to buy the kids and me an ornament every Thanksgiving to go with the Nutcracker, Snowman and Angel/Snow globe that I gave the kids.  Well the other day a box came in the mail and inside were wrapped ornaments with all of our names on them.  It was thoughtful things like that that kept me married to him for as long as I was.  He is a good person.  He means well.  He just isn't my person.  And he's not the father I thought he would have been----he's always taken care of the kids financially, but emotionally?  The relationship just isn't there.  It's sad.  Especially with my daughter---she is just perfection, she truly is.  And he doesn't know her----AT all.  And I don't know that she will ever give him a chance if he asked for it.  It's a gift to know her, truly a gift if she lets you in....and unfortunately the men that she did let in have let her down.  She's stronger for it.  She's fiercely independent and she's starting to explore the relationship world.  She's got her shit together.  Thank God.  She's got a balance of kindness and assertiveness, of compassion and no bullshit....Thankfully.

So, tomorrow....the five of us and my lovely daughter in law will have Thanksgiving dinner together for the first time in 7 years.  Will it become tradition?  I don't think so.  But I just couldn't let him be alone when there was no reason for it.  My sons will be able to watch football with their father and even though it doesn't matter to them it matters to me.  He has given me the 3 things I'm the most thankful for.  And for that I will always be grateful.

Like a fool I am and I'll always be....I've got a dream, I've got a dream

 There was a time when seeing these signs would fill me with such joy and conviction.  Today?  I think...hmmm ok, so the path I'm on, does it include an oncoming train?  Because the light I keep being told is around the corner?  I'm pretty damn sure that's what's coming.

I know I'm supposed to somehow encourage people with this blog...and with my Chat with your Angels page.  But honestly?  Not in that place right now.  Sorry.  Maybe knowing that even someone with a Mary Sunshine, Snow White attitude can fall and be unsure too will help someone else....

I live my life always looking for the bright side...the positive in every negative.  But quite frankly?  I'm sick to death of it.  Every time I think things are getting better I get slammed with a bunch more negative things that quite honestly?  At this moment?  I'm just not equipped to handle anymore.  Getting out of bed lately is a chore.  I don't want to face the day.  I meditate and journal and pray and that gives me just enough to turn the coffee pot on. I thank God every single morning and night for all the blessings I have, because I KNOW there are a lot of them.  But the joy, peace, happiness that I was so sure was the future?  It's just not there anymore.  There was a time when I was excited that my future was not predictable.  Moving out of the home I shared with my ex husband....was exilirating!   Moving across the country to Florida with my kids?  Again...amazing....freeing....and now?  I'm preparing for another move....just a few states away this time, but still.  New place, new environment....it's exciting.  But there are opportunities that keep showing themselves to me and make me wonder if I'm supposed to stay here.  Like a toddler I want to kick and scream and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAAAA.  Cross my arms over my chest and hrmph...NO!  But then I get scared...what if this is wrong?  What if I'm supposed to wait?  What if this is my path?  What if my happily ever after is not part of the plan?  Then I get the signs above ^^^and normally I would be like okey dokey then....let's get packing.  But now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt my ability to be a good mom, to be anything to anyone.  My company is really wanting me to stay here...and being wanted, well that's a huge trigger for me.  Having someone not want to lose you?  That's pretty enticing.  My self worth is in the toilet these days so knowing I'm a "valuable asset" makes me doubt my decisions.

I went to a hypnosis meditation group the other night and part of it was to put yourself back to your 10 year old self, then your 15 year old self.  What did you want to be?  Who was your best friend?  What did you like to do?  I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  That has always been my goal and my purpose.  I realized I wanted to be like MY mother....and I wanted a marriage like my parents.  My mother did everything so selflessly for all of us.  I modeled myself after her.  My marriage did not turn out like my parents.  Quite the opposite.  My children, I can confidently say at this moment in time, all love me and know there is nothing I would not do for them.  It feels good to be able to say that again. My oldest and I are still not communicating, but I have it from a reliable source that that is about to change.   But 2 of the 3 of them are adults now.  So, what now?  What is my goal now?

The meditation group was all about releasing that which no longer serves you.  Limiting beliefs that hold you back.  I wasn't sure I had any, but during the meditation it came to me so clearly.  I'm not good enough.  That's my biggest one.  The tears flowed down my face in this room of strangers all lying on their yoga mats.  I thought I had overcome that one.  I really did.  I felt worthy of all the good things I truly believed were coming my way.  But honestly?  How many times can I be rejected and ignored and denied before I realize that I'm NOT good enough apparently.  After the meditation was over one of the participants came over and touched my arm and he said to me "I'm not sure what your limitations are but for what it's worth you seem pretty perfect" I stared at him blankly because um, huh?  I didn't say a word.  He continued and said he noticed the change in my energy from when I came in and was chatty and bubbly to now when I looked like I lost my best friend.  I thanked him for the sweetness and went on my way.  I would like to say it made a difference, but it didn't.  I have a lot of people who tell me I have great energy, blah blah blah.  What good does it do me?  Every time I move ahead and try to find the peace and happiness that I so desperately crave it's taken away from me.  Whether it's health issues or financial issues or logistics of the upcoming move.  I'm tired.  The days are flying by and I don't feel like any progress is being made in my life.  I've been trying to make sure I pack at least a box a day...I can't seem to even focus enough to make a list.



Wow.  That was written on April 12th 2018-----I had saved it as a draft.  I guess I wasn't ready to share that with the world.  I'm ready now. For the record I took the job with my company---I stayed in Florida and it was the best decision I could have made.  I love my job!  It is challenging and rewarding and it's exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I followed my guidance instead of that toddler that was insisting she didn't wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaa.   I'm in a completely different place *most* of the time.   I can confidently say that that meditation worked.  I no longer feel like I'm not enough--- ever.  I cleared that and released that and I feel very confident in my worthiness---only took nearly 55 years, not bad 😏  I am now in a place of taking life one day at a time.  I no longer look towards the future to bring me happiness.  I find joy in almost every day.  Even if it's a tiny sliver.  I make time for myself and for things that bring me joy.  Because I'm worth it-----and so are you!  What are you putting off until tomorrow that you could do today to bring you happiness?  What brings joy to your soul?  If you can't muster joy why not try something that makes you feel better than you did yesterday?  If you do that every day you'll be feeling joy daily in no time.  A very important fact I've discovered that I was never able to do until now is not to put that happiness in a person or a place or a thing.  Nothing that can be taken away from you---that's a recipe for disaster!  Find joy in things that you have control over---read a book, call a friend, cook, bake, exercise, write, watch a favorite show, take a drive--- you get the drift.  I try to find one thing every day that I look forward to and if my day gets off track I remind myself of that one thing I'm looking forward to.  It makes all the difference.  Try it.  Now.  Not tomorrow, not next week.....now.  Let me know how it works for you?  Because after all----it's truly a day in the life 💓

Happy 85th Birthday in Heaven Mommy (your 5th one!)

Happy Birthday mommy!  It's strange, now that Richie calls me woman I don't feel right calling you that anymore.  When I think of you I feel like a child again and mommy seems right.  I hope everyone is giving you a huge party and celebrating you in Heaven.  I miss you so very much it's hard to even comprehend it.   When you first passed I really didn't understand how people could say they missed their loved ones every day and that it got worse as time passed.  I thought, well.....I didn't physically live in the same place as my mom for decades, nor did I speak to her every day, so really what is going to change?  Well, I'm here to say....A LOT!  Knowing that I can't pick up the phone whenever I want and hear your sweet responses to my rant of the day is so much harder than I imagined.  Now, as my children are becoming adults I resonate with you on a whole different level,

I understand now how my calls to you to spill whatever was going on in my life in my mind was me calling a friend, someone who I could trust and who knew me.  Now I realize, as a mother, every time I was hurting and felt better after hanging up with you----you carried that pain.  You thought constantly about what you could do and how powerless you felt when you realized the answer was---not a damn thing.  What you didn't know was that I didn't need you to fix anything---I just needed my mommy.

I understand now how you got tired of doing everything for everyone else.  Like when I would ask you to make me a sandwich because it tasted better when you made it.   I am happy that as time passed I was able to return the favor and make some of your favorites.  Just because you were my mom didn't mean you weren't a person.  I'm sorry for not realizing that until I was way older than I should have been.

I understand now why you were so afraid of getting attached to Richie when he was a baby because you had to leave.  I never knew the pain of missing someone you love so badly that you truly feel that your heart is being ripped from your chest. It's not just painful when someone dies it's just as painful when that person is alive yet you can't see them or be with them.

I understand why you would be quiet when we were all together.  I used to get so annoyed, like your children and grandchildren are all together why aren't you over the moon?  It's because you didn't feel comfortable with our topics, your knowledge of them practically non existent and your fear of being laughed at kept you silent.  I get it now mom.  And I'm sorry I wasn't more patient.

I understand why you never took sides when one of us would come to you with a complaint about the others.  You loved us all and even if you understood where we were coming from, the pain of watching your children do anything but love each other and get along was just too much.  And you also knew that we each had our own sense of reality and somewhere in the middle was the truth.  I get it now.

I understood why you didn't share your feelings and personality with everyone.  You were so selective and I feel so incredibly blessed to know that there are things you shared with me that you never shared with anyone---even Daddy.  I get it mommy.  I've actually become very selective myself.  I know---shocking, but I'm there.  I see so much of you in me now.  All the good. I wish you were here to see it....to be part of it.  We would be even closer.  I know you're with me always.

I truly wish you were here to get to know Emeline.  She still loves that you called her that.  She is....beyond words Mom.  She is the best of you and of me and she's everything that we were not.  She's strong and confident and comfortable in her own skin.  She's just so beautiful mom, inside and out.   You would just cherish every moment with her.  There is so much you could have taught her if you had the chance.

I wish you could have met McKenna.  You would have loved her.  Daniel Boone is everything you always knew he would be.  You saw in him what I couldn't when he was younger and a bullumeister (I have no idea how to spell it).  You would just be so proud of him.  He's really incredible.  I know he wishes he could talk to you -there is so much inside of him that needs his Yaya.

I wish I could say I wish you were here to see Richie evolve, but I know his journey would break your heart in a million pieces.  He identifies with you and relates to you in a whole other way now mommy.  I hope he talks to you and I know you're trying to help him through this lifetime.  It must make you happy that he embraces his German heritage so strongly now.  Please stay with him always.

I'm pretty sure you'd be proud of me, you always were.  I'm confident that you would hurt for me in the areas of life that didn't turn out exactly how we'd hoped.  For that, I'm relieved you're not here to witness it first hand.  But, I know you'd be proud of how I always pick myself up and carry on as always, with my head high and a smile on my face.  I learned that from you.  Even though you didn't think you were strong-----I learned it ALL from you!!!  You were stronger than any of us ever realized.  You were the perfect blend of loving and giving yet strong and brave.

I wish you could see how very much you are missed.  My kids talk about you at least once a day.  We see things that make us think of you and we laugh at how you'd react to it.  You live on in each one of us.  And each of us is growing.....by this time next year you'll have three great grandbabies.  I know you're rocking 2 of them right now until it's time for them to be born.

I love you mom.  Happy Birthday!!!!  Make a wish xoxoxo

Though I tried to pretend, I knew it was the end For the autumn of my life had come at last

Thirty one years ago today a 23 year old girl woke up on her wedding day.  She had no idea what the future would hold but she was certain this was the beginning of it.  She was really sick, congested, head cold, sore throat and on antibiotics for maybe the 2nd time in her life.  Looking back that was significant, no?  At that time she was more excited about the wedding and becoming some one's wife and changing her name more than she was thinking about a marriage and what that entailed.  She lives her life with no regrets and looks back knowing that marriage had to happen in order for three incredible human beings to be born.   And that marriage was not an easy one.  It was turbulent, volatile, filled with job changes, unemployment, uncertainty, instability, misunderstandings, anger and ups and downs, 11 moves, 3 different states and finally a peaceful, easy divorce.  But the result of that marriage was worth every tear, every heartache, every disappointment and every broken promise---3 children that are so amazing it's only divine intervention that they came from that union.

I look back at that young girl and I don't recognize her.  All of the things that happened in the last 31 years changed her.  She used to be a hopeless romantic, believing that love conquers all and that there was nothing that love could not cure.  She believed in devotion and faithfulness and happily ever after.  She doesn't anymore.  She believes that everything happens for a reason.  But happily ever after?  No.  She doesn't believe in that anymore.  My marriage was not a failure, quite the opposite.  It made me who I am today, along with a handful of failed relationships since then.   Every relationship, whether romantic, family, friend or work, teaches you something.  Those people are in your life for a reason.  Recently I've had quite a few people come back into my life that I had severed ties with within the last decade.  I'm not sure why they are resurfacing but I'm assuming our lessons aren't over.  This is a pattern in my life, I'm not sure why.  And honestly, I've stopped asking why.  I've stopped trying to figure out the reasons for things.  What's the point?  It is what it is.

Obviously everyone has different paths in life.  I am beginning to believe that the best years of my life are behind me.  Raising my children, being a stay at home mom and a wife was my passion and my dream for my life.  Well that phase is over now.  What now?  Now it's just a regular life.  Now I sit back and watch my nieces and nephews and my own children begin their lives.  My sweet friend from Arizona got married again this past weekend.  She had a rough life up until this point, no denying it.  So for her and some others these are the golden years---the years they work for and pay their dues for while they're young.  For me?  Those were the golden years.  I'm always backwards, I guess this is no different.  I know there are still good times ahead and I'm very blessed by all that I have and the life that I live.  But it makes me really sad to know that life is more than half over and the best is most likely behind me.  I try not to think that way but on days like today it's inevitable.  Tomorrow I may feel differently because after all....it's just a day in the life.

That God blessed the Broken road....

Sometimes Faith is difficult.  Having faith requires knowing and believing everything is working out in your favor even though you can't see it.  I have unwavering faith.  Faith that everything will be fine.  However, fine is not always giving me what I want.  And I want things to be fine....but I want what I want and what I believe in my heart is best and what is going to be.  That's where the wobble comes in.  Faith requires us to know that no matter what is happening it is for our highest good and the highest good for everyone involved.  Fear, for me, comes when I have faith but I'm not sure that the good that's coming is going to get to me where I want it to, the way I want it to and in the time I want it to.  Sound familiar?  Here is how I get through that...

Having lunch with my son the other day and we were discussing pretty much everything and anything.  We got to the topic of not seeing how certain situations would change.  My son, in his infinite wisdom (he totally gets that from me 😉) tells me to look at the last 4 years alone.  Would we have ever seen us moving to Florida, him quitting baseball, moving to North Carolina, then back here to Florida etc?  No.  Never.  And today on my face book memories it was funny because in 2015 I was in Florida visiting my dad and saying I missed Arizona because of the humidity and rain here.  Then in 2016 I arrived in Florida to my new home, 2017 showed my kids and daughter in law in the pool and my heart was happy but missing my oldest who was estranged and living in New Jersey , 2018 showed me missing my middle son because he was in NC....and now?  We are all in the same place again with completely different lives then we ever pictured even a year ago.  Had I known in 2015 what the next four years would bring in order to get to now?  I would have been crawled up in a corner sucking my thumb and crying for my mommy.  It was a TOUGH road.  But this is where we need to be and all of that needed to take place to get here.  So, sometimes when God isn't showing you the answers to your prayers or a clear vision of what is to come it is to protect you, and to allow you to be open to the path leading to the destination you're wanting. Sometimes it is so that you don't resist what it's going to take to get you there.  Or that you don't sit back and just wait for the destination and miss the lessons along the way.

Basically, whenever I feel worried, or fearful that things aren't going as planned I look back and see the reasons why things happened as they did.  It's usually pretty crystal clear.  And that knowledge helps me have faith that right now is no different.  So the moral of the story is....have faith....and hope...and trust that the road ahead might not be smooth or paved with gold, but it will lead you to where you need to be. God Bless The long and winding road....

I got the news today oh boy....

10 years ago we got nearly the worst news a family could get.  My then 10 year old got the diagnosis of Lymphoma.  We started the testing a month before and I knew in my gut that it was cancer, even though my brain couldn't believe it.  I don't remember that day often.  But every year on the 2nd of July my son and I share a moment.  It's like a knowing glance.  Sometimes we talk about it, sometimes we don't.  A few weeks ago we were all at the movies together and he says so are you free for lunch on the 2nd?  I said "Did we make plans?"  He says "It's 10 years mom"  I said I know very well what it is honey.  I just didn't remember if we had plans".  How could I forget that day?  I don't remember a lot of it but I remember the moment of the diagnosis.  Danny was sitting on the examination table and his little legs were hanging off the table swinging and Dr. Williams came in.  The first time we met him and he had to deliver this news.  He's over 6 feet tall but he got up on that table and let his legs dangle and swing along with him.  He gave us the news. There was a nurse and Danny's father in the room, if I recall, along with us.  But in my mind...at that moment...it was just my son and me.  Danny and I looked at each other, took a deep breath and I said, okay when do we start?  Dr. Williams was a bit taken back that it was taken so well.  He said, well we could start today if you wanted.  We looked at each other again and said "Let's do it".  And it began.  We drove the hour back home, packed what we needed for our first overnight hospital stay and began the soon to be familiar trip back to the Hospital.  Thinking back, I don't even remember telling my other children that their brother had cancer.  This day began a world that only included Danny and me.  Everything else was a distraction, truth be told. Of course I always worried about my other two children left at home but more about them being okay, I never really thought about what this diagnosis meant to them ---selfish really.  It was all about  Danny and me.  And still to this day, this time, this part of his life is still just ours.  No one else can begin to understand and they weren't there to experience every moment.  It was just the two of us.  It would be the first time Danny and I would be away alone together and truth be told I think he was a little excited.  He really was happy once we got settled.  He felt like it was a hotel stay (that drastically changed going forward). This was a quick treatment we were supposed to be out by early afternoon the next day.  Well the Dr. on call was nervous letting us go so we didn't get out until very late the next day.  And it began....the journey that changed my son forever, changed me forever and changed our relationship forever.

It's interesting that I don't recall the exact date we got an all clear that the chemo had worked.  If I'm guessing it's November 8th.  Strange isn't it?  That we celebrate the date of the diagnosis and not the cure.  I guess because once he was diagnosed it didn't ever cross our minds that the ending wouldn't be a happy one.  It also began the bond that my son and I share that no one else does.  It seems a bit narcissistic maybe that we feel that way.  But, oh well, it's the way it is.  If you were there and supported us during cancer you get a free pass for a lot of other stuff.  That time is in a snow globe of sorts....what happened before and what happened after can't touch it.  He often says he's grateful for this diagnosis, that it made him a different person.  I can't disagree.  His determination, his strength, his drive, his devotion, his kindness, his loyalty,  his passion.....was all built and fueled on this period in life.  The man he is today (an outstanding, incredible, charismatic, successful man) was built on this day 10 years ago.  I hope this all makes sense because quite honestly I'm crying so hard I can't see the keyboard and my heart is in my throat.

I wrote a book about Danny's battle with cancer and my perspective on it.  http://www.lulu.com/shop/tina-marie/beyond-the-immediate/paperback/product-21742888.html .  Here's the link if you want to check it out.  I started to read it the other day and I just couldn't do it.  Maybe because, as my brother says ,I'm no author or maybe because the feelings are buried and bringing them up again is just too painful.  Danny asked me this morning if I had any pictures of us together when he was sick.  I thought about it and realized I didn't.  He said, "I guess we weren't really thinking about taking selfies, huh?"  So I asked the family photographer, my sister and viola.  Here they are.  Then and now.....my heart is so full right now.  What a decade it's been.  He graduated high school, we moved to Florida, he bought his first new car, got his Associates Degree,  moved to North Carolina, he got married, moved back to Florida, started his career in real estate  https://dhosek.watsonrealtycorp.com/, and is one semester out from finishing his bachelors degree.  Those are the pivotal moments.  I left out his parents divorce, major shoulder surgery, 2015 as a whole, deciding to walk away from his college baseball career, 2 hurricane evacuations and some other not so easy ones.

But today, we celebrate.  What a difference 10 years makes.  My son is now a healthy, nearly 21 year old married man. Our relationship has evolved over the years but we have a bond that most people will never understand.  This day changed everything 10 years ago.  It was the beginning of a decade of hell truth be told.  My son often says our ten years of hell is almost over.  I think he's right.  We've been through more in this last 10 years than some families go through in a lifetime. We are proof that good things can come from the worst possible things.   And that sometimes.....it's NOT just a day in the life.....it's so much more.

If you were falling Then I would catch you You need a light I'd find a match

I've realized I have a very bad habit of assuming the worst.  About people and situations.  I am an optimistic person.  I can be heard saying ALL the time:  Don't worry, give it to God and it will be fine.  He already knows the outcome.  And I BELIEVE it!  I live my life that way.  Throughout my life though I have been known to assume that someone doesn't care about me, or that I'm not important to them as soon as something comes up that goes against the way that I show love.  In a conversation with my son I realized he does the same thing and in trying to help him to avoid the pitfalls of this syndrome I learned somethings about myself.  I have been doing research and trying desperately to find a way to STOP assuming the worst of people.  I know people who do this with strangers.  If someone cuts in line at the grocery store people take it as something personal.  It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person.  They aren't deliberately trying to annoy you/ruin your day.  You're not that important!  I overcame this one a long time ago.  After reading the Four Agreements I also learned that other people's opinion of you is none of your business.  You can't change it so let it be.  So why do I assume those closest to me don't necessarily love me the way I love them?  Or that I'm not as important to them as they are to me?  This has been my mission lately....to figure this out!  I need to FIX this.  I've asked quite a few people who know me pretty well why I do this.  No one seems to be able to figure it out.  I've been told it's because I'm a controlling person.....well maybe when this person knew me best I was but that chick is long gone.  I have absolutely no desire to control anyone or anything anymore.  What's the point?  It's all in God's hands anyway.  This same person also sent me a video about the husband store----basically insinuating that women are impossible to please.  REALLY?  I said.  I have settled for FAR less than I deserve and you've told me that yourself!  NEXT!

A few weeks ago my bestie and I were discussing we can only imagine what we've been shown.  She was discussing that she can't imagine a love like one I've described because she's never seen it herself.  Love to her can only look the way she's been shown.  Well, this morning it hit me!  That's why I automatically go to a negative place when things don't look the way I want them to.  Because in the past I've been shown that I'm not important.  I've been shown that other things are more of a priority than I am.  I've been shown that people change with time and consistency isn't real.  I realized this goes back to my childhood (which I have realized lately was extremely pristine and idyllic compared to most!) and what I perceived about myself and the love I received.

Cleaning, cooking, the way things looked and my father were the most important things to my mother.  Work, providing, the way things looked and my mother were the most important things to my dad.  In my life they were the most important things to me----so you see how it started.  I felt that I loved them and prioritized them way more than they did to me.  Was it true?  Who the hell knows, but perception is reality.  So....my entire life I have chased that love that I gave away so freely.  I wanted to be first in someone's world.  No matter what.  So....I gave that.  I gave that to whoever was in my world.  My friends, my boyfriends, my bosses.  I gave my very best to everything.  I didn't always receive it back.  And the minute I felt like I wasn't a priority or that the scales tipped I went to the worst case scenario.  They didn't want my friendship, they were falling out of love with me, I was going to get fired. (for the record----I've never had a friend walk away from me....I've only had 1 boyfriend break up with me when I was 16 and he came back a month later...and I've never been fired) So why this assumption?!?!?!?  I have NO idea.  It is driving me mad, actually.  I try very hard to fix myself and work on any issues I have.  But this one?  I can't fix....but I'm getting closer.  While my thoughts still go directly to the negative I talk myself out of it super quickly now.  BUT I want to stop thinking it right away!  I know the frustration it has caused to the people that truly love me completely.  It makes them feel like they can't win....that I expect perfection.  I don't.  I guess I just don't believe that anyone could love me as deeply as I love them.  That anyone could think about me as much as I think about them.  That anyone could prioritize me as I prioritize them.  As if I have the market cornered on that....why?  I wish I knew.  I used to think it was a self worth issue, like I didn't feel worthy of love and being a priority.  But I know that's not the case.  I've realized I'm a pretty cool chick and definitely worthy of being someone's number 1 😏.  Is it a superiority complex?  Like I love better than anyone else?  Seems unlikely but maybe.  Do I expect too much?  That's what I've been told my whole life.  My expectations are too high.  Maybe that's it.  But is it wrong to expect to receive what I give?  If I can achieve it, is it wrong to want it back?  Maybe.  But just because someone doesn't show it the same way that I do doesn't make it wrong.

You have just witnessed what goes on in my head on the daily.  I always come back to the other person's point of view.  Always defending and trying to understand why someone is letting me down basically.  But maybe they're giving everything they have at the moment and I need to accept that.  No one demands the depth of what I give to them.  No one in my life demands more from me than what I give.  Is that because I give more than people are used to receiving?  Most likely.  So what is the answer?  How do I not assume people love me less or want me in their life less if they don't show things the way that I do?  I guess constant self talk to get myself out of this habit.  Or maybe at some point I'll find a way to balance out the love I give.  Maybe I'll take my cue from others and relearn the way I love.  Or maybe I'll just figure out a way to stop thinking about it or letting it get to me.  Time changes things and heals things and time is going by so quickly that maybe this is on it's way out.  Somehow it will work itself out because basically it's just a day in the life.

If you could read my mind now.....just like a paperback novel

In the past 48 hours I've had conversations with my sons that have really upset me.  I've come to a point in my life where I am ready to be more than a mom.  I'm ready to be that supporting cast in the movie of their individual lives and for them to be that in mine.  It's not always easy, because they do still rely on me quite a bit.  It's also not easy because I do still want us all to remain close.  I want the three of them to have that connection with me and with each other forever.  So, as with anything else in life, I'm searching for balance.  I have pretty much removed anyone in my life that doesn't bring positivity.  I only have relationships with people that are like minded.  Do I have to deal with people that aren't?  Of course, I don't live in a cave!  But the only people I give MY energy and MY attention to and the only people who get a front row seat or starring role in the movie of my life are carefully chosen.  Last weekend I healed two very important past relationships in my life with two very important conversations. I got the closure that I needed to give my heart peace and I can now go forward without having animosity or anything other than friendship.  It was a huge turning point for my future.  My sister mentioned how my past always comes back to me and I realized it's because I still had lessons to learn from those relationships.

One of these was with my ex husband.  We have been cordial for 80% of our divorce.  I just really didn't want a friendship with him.  I wanted to avoid contact with him as much as possible.  Something shifted in our situation in the last month or so.  I found myself calling him last weekend to check up on him and to talk to someone who gets me. We had an incredible conversation where he actually gave me some really great advice.  I think, for him, he is at peace and happy for the first time in a long time...maybe ever.  He's found his "niche".  I'm truly happy for him, it's a blessing to see.  I was telling him about some frustrations I've been having and how I wasn't at peace and I wasn't happy and he told me I needed to take time for me.  I needed to walk around the lake by my house, or go to the pool and do something for me every day.  So, I took his advice.  Of course when I went for the walk I saw the alligator coming out of the water and I thought...hmmmm was this his plan all along? 😉I thanked him for truly always being there for me at my darkest times.  We grew up together and although I know that our soul purpose of the journey we took was so that our 3 children could be born and nothing else, it is nice to have someone who knows me so completely and has nothing to gain or lose in this relationship and who wants nothing more than to have a peaceful friendship.

This brings me back to my conversations with my sons...I digress but there's a point to it.  Their father and I devoted ourselves completely to our children.  My ex was a detached spectator for the most part, but he has ALWAYS done whatever needed to be done to make sure the kids got whatever they wanted.  He allowed me to give them whatever they needed.  Because of choices we made I was able to stay home with my kids and devote myself to them.  My oldest son has said for nearly 10 years that he didn't want to bring kids into this world.  That hurt me, but I got it.  My younger son told me the other day that he didn't know if he wanted kids because they require so much.  He said "look at you, you're still taking care of us, I don't think I want that".  He was half joking (and I know he will go on to have a family...it's a newlywed thing for him I think).  I told my oldest son about this conversation this morning and he said "He's not wrong Ma....I wouldn't want your job!"  That hurt me so deeply.  I have always shown my kids what joy it brings me to be their mother.  Those aren't just words, that's my way of life.  They were my purpose for many years....they are my legacy and my mark on the world.  And that's how they see it?

My aunt passed away this week.  She was the only Aunt I had left, my dad's only sibling left.  I look at her life as such a success.  She had 4 children.  They all still went to her house on Sunday's for lunch/dinner.  She had 10 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren and 1 on the way.  What an amazing legacy.  They are all devastated that she's gone.  They have incredible memories of her.  Hell, our whole family has many memories of Christmas eve at her house, tons of Baptisms, showers, Easter dinners, the list goes on.  I wondered how my children will remember me and then I had these conversations with them and I'm not gonna lie it shook me.

My oldest son has a lot of negative memories from childhood.  He feels that he was bullied and even though he doesn't outwardly blame me for it (as he did for the last 10 years) I know he still feels it a bit.  It's part of being a parent, I know.  It's my need to do things perfectly in order to be happy (which I'm venturing away from) that causes my sadness about this.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent.  There's no such thing as a perfect partner.  There's no such thing as a perfect person.  I know this.  I still struggle to be what everyone needs while not losing myself in the process.  Hell for most of my life I didn't even know who I was.  But now that I've found her I'm determined to make sure that she doesn't get lost again.  But there will be bumps along the way.  I guess I need to not be so worried about disappointing those I love (since I seem to do that no matter what at times) and worry about not disappointing myself.  She's worked her ass off to become the person she is today and she deserves better.  She deserves the effort she gives everyone else.  She deserves everything she's ever wanted.  She's earned that right.  So I will protect her, the way I protect everyone else I love.  And she will finally be first in someone's life.....her own.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.....