Here, There and Everywhere

I've spent most of my life being disappointed in relationships.  All relationships, not just romantic ones, but mostly romantic ones.  As I've mentioned before I was always told I was expecting too much.  I wanted the movie/book/soap opera love story.  No man would ever be able to live up to what I wanted them to be.  I believed them.  I lowered my expectations, but my heart and soul still ached.  I wanted to be understood.  I wanted someone who would be like me!  I gave all I had to all relationships in my life, and I didn't expect it back.  However, when I started to feel taken advantage of, taken for granted and just well mistreated I would move on from those relationships after giving everything that I could have and I never looked back.  Some people (friendship/family relationships) came back at a later date.  Even a few romantic relationships from the past have resurfaced as friendships.  I don't ever initiate those reconciliations, but I do forgive people and believe that everyone deserves a second chance, sometimes a third.  But I've never been completely fulfilled in a relationship in my life, there was always this whole inside of me....I assumed it was my high expectations.

A few years ago I learned about the Law of Attraction and manifesting and how you can bring certain things to your life just by believing they are already there and by becoming the type of person that would attract these things.  I made lists, stating what I wanted in a partner.  Some would read the list and think, wow, she's nuts.  There is no human being on earth that fits all those things.  That's not REAL.  But it's what I wanted.  What I NEEDED.  What my soul craved.  Today, I found two different notebooks with two different lists in them.  One was from 2014 and one I was 6 months later in 2015.  I fell in love in 2015.  I mean real, honest to goodness movie/book/fairy tale love.  Love like I have never experienced before.  It shook my core.  I tried to fight it.  I was scared to death.  It was too good to be true.  It was as easy as.....breathing!  This man was everything I had ever hoped for and more.  Things I never even knew I needed....he provides.  Bliss.  Sheer and utter bliss.  Every single day.  How did this happen?  How am I so lucky?  He insists it doesn't matter why or how....it just IS.

We are like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together so perfectly, so easily....it's like nothing I've ever experienced before with anyone in my life.  I can be totally and completely myself and he adores me anyway...or maybe because of it.  Today I was weepy and wishy washy.  I tried my best to hide it.  There's a lot going on right now and the last thing he needed was to deal with that!  He knew...he asked....I told...he listened.  I mean REALLY listened (as always) and he just knew exactly what I needed to make me feel better.  He always does.  This man loves me in a way that I've waited for my whole life.  He makes me feel treasured, and adored and important and loved every minute of the day.  Even when my mind pushes that aside and tries to convince me that he couldn't possibly feel the way about me that I feel about him, he quiets my fears and doubts without judgment.  He does it with love and compassion, every SINGLE time, no matter how exhausted he is or how stupid my fears are, he reassures me.  He never gets tired of it.  He just knows.  I am truly, by far, the luckiest woman alive.  Everyone sees the difference in me.  My kids have a mom who is happy all the time, they know why.  My friends see it, they are thrilled for me.

I wake up every morning with an excitement that I never thought was possible.  I get to spend my life loving this man.  This man who defies all odds and is everything I've ever wanted.  He is kind, and gentle yet tough and strong.  He is loving and sweet, yet masculine and rugged.  He's BRILLIANT yet never ever makes me feel less than or ignorant for asking questions or doing things the hard way, when he could definitely give me an easier way to do it.  He seems to think it's cute that I have these quirks.  I never have to remind him of things I've told him before, he remembers, because if it's important to me then it's important to him.  He never plays the blame game, he never compares things that I do versus things that he does.  It is the most freeing feeling in the world to find a soul that you connect with on EVERY level....it is my mission in life to make this man feel loved and adored and appreciated and treasured every day of his life, because he deserves nothing less.  He is the answer to my prayers, my prince charming, my heart.....and my home.  Wherever he is....that will always be home to me.

Mother's Day.....not just a day in the life

Mother's day.....as a child I remember it was a day that my dad bought my mom flowers to plant.  Mums, azaleas, tulips....those kind of plants.  Then they spent the day planting them.  Uneventful in my memory.  Then one year my dad surprised my mom with a new car.  That one went down in the record books.  He pulled into the driveway with a HUGE red bow on top of it.  My mom was so excited she wasn't even angry that she had to come outside in her robe and curlers.  No one EVER saw my mom that way.  One year my brother and sister and I had portraits taken to surprise her for mother's day.  You see a pattern here?  I never really took initiative in mother's day celebrations for my mom.  My dad and sister did it most of the time and I went along for the ride.  My parents moved when I was 20 so I didn't spend mother's day with my mom a lot over the years so it really didn't matter much to me, to be honest.  And then I became a mom.

My first mother's day went down in the history books as a horrific day.  I was in tears, it was spent doing something I despised doing and I was still postpartum and completely sleep deprived. All I EVER wanted to do for mother's day was to get deli egg sandwiches and go to the beach.  Every year it either rained or we had other commitments. I usually felt disappointed on days like Mother's day or my birthday.  I always felt let down, like I was supposed to feel something I never did.  I'm not about material things so it wasn't about presents.  I don't know.  I was always told that I expected too much from people.  I have been told that the world revolves around me and the sun rises and sets on me--I'm assuming they meant in my mind.  Couldn't be further from the truth.  And I have realized that I don't expect too much because now....at this time in my life....I am receiving more from the people I love than I could ever imagine.  And I have't lowered my expectations at all.

I was going to write this blog about the fact that I miss my mom and I feel weird not buying any mom or grandma cards again this year.  But after this morning my focus changed from lack to abundance.  I am so lucky and I am so happy and fulfilled today I can't write about the sadness.  Instead, I'm taking the good things from my relationship with my mother and duplicating it with my daughter.  I'm sharing things with her that my mom and I enjoyed.  It's better than last mother's day when I was so sad I couldn't function.

First of all the man in my life brings me more joy and appreciation and love than I could have ever hoped for.  I wish with all my heart that we had found...well connected in this way many many years ago, but this was the way it was intended apparently.  I'm so grateful that he gives me every thing I've ever wanted, loves me completely and totally for who I am and not who he wishes I was.  I am (for the first time in my life) completely and totally able to be myself and I never have to worry about any repercussions of that.  Every day of my life feels like a holiday, complete with the anticipation of what comes next and the excitement of what each day will hold.  How lucky am I????  His presence alone in my life makes today and every day beyond perfect.  I feel adored and treasured every single day and that is something I never thought I'd feel.

As if that isn't enough I have 3 incredible kids!  More and more I have people telling me how lucky I am to have this bond with my children.  I know it.  I woke up this morning to a card from my oldest with money and the threat of punishment if I did any "mom things" today.  He said he was taking care of dinner.  That is something I've ALWAYS wanted on mother's day.  Someone to let me know that I didn't have to DO anything I didn't want to.

I missed my youngest son before work today, but I found a note from him next to my head when I woke up. He, out of all my kids, tells me more than anyone every day how much I mean to him.  He makes sure we have time together one on one all the time.  He's always celebrating mother's day.  I got a text and I already told you about his amazing gift to me.....so thoughtful.

And my daughter...oh my daughter!  She arranged the best gift I've ever received in my life!  She and her brothers wrote 51 things they love about me.  I spent a delicious amount of time savoring each one and relishing their individual personalities in their notes.  The fact that they appreciate me without anyone teaching them how to blows me away!  They remember things that I don't and it makes me so happy that they do.  I wish I could share every one here....but I will respect their privacy.  I've attached pictures of a few. She was SO excited because she made me cry on Mother's day.  Apparently my kids are a bit competitive when it comes to who can melt my heart. She's so used to her brother's doing it, it's her turn now.  I will treasure this gift for the rest of my life.  My daughter also made me a few paintings that were just BEYOND perfect....her thoughtfulness shows me that I'm doing a good job raising the type of woman I want her to be!

I feel treasured by my kids today.  I'm not going to lie, I'm blown away by how special they made me feel.  I know they appreciate me.  They are always telling me that.  But today?  Their thoughtfulness is beyond my wildest dreams.  I feel so happy and at peace it's beyond incredible.  Maybe I AM doing ok with this motherhood thing.  Perhaps this next phase of my life will be filled with every holiday being like this.  I'm so excited and so blessed I'm overflowing with hope and happiness and just pure love.  It's more than just a day in the life......

From Barbie dolls to Make Up.....my beautiful baby girl

My daughter.  Oh my daughter.  How I love that little girl.  She's 12 now.  So grown up, so put together, so what I wish I had been at 12 years old.  I do something I rarely do as a mom....I take credit for that!  I treated her the way I wish I had been treated.  Things I longed for as a child I gave her.  I gave her the wisdom of my years and I'm lucky that she listened!  She still trusts my judgment, for now.  She still thinks I'm a pro at relationship advice (because I've had so many bad ones and am now in one that she considers "#relationshipgoals, she cracks me up!)  Every single day I look at her with an adoration that I don't think she's aware of.  I look up to her in so many ways and every day she amazes me more and more!

Being the youngest and having 2 older brothers who were home schooled, I'm afraid she didn't get the attention I feel she should have had when she was younger.  Well, she got plenty of attention, I just don't feel she got enough from me.  She is the only one of my children that I wish I could have a do over with.  Why, you may ask, since I've just stated that she's pretty much perfect in every way?  Because she was that way from birth.  Never trouble, never cranky or whiny unless she was sick obviously.  She was so much FUN!  And I want to do it again, and relish every single moment as if she was my first and only child.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But she's my only daughter.  I spent years with trucks and power rangers and army guys and more power rangers and wrestlers.  I want to spend more time with painting and Barbie dolls and dress up and princesses. I didn't get enough of that.

This morning as I was dropping her off at school she made this quick witted joke that most people would have missed.  I didn't.  I can't explain it and make it as funny as she did, but I lost it!  I was laughing so hard I could barely see.  When did she get so funny?  When did she become so creative and quick and smart?  My youngest son gave me the most AMAZING mother's day gift the other night (he's just like me---can't wait and hates surprises) and I was blown away.  I told him that his sister had a gift for me in her room and I was shocked.  He said she had this great idea that she squashed and came up with another one.  But the idea she squashed was so amazing to me and I was stunned that she thought of it all on her own.  She wanted her brother to write 22 things he loved about me (he's 22) her other brother to write 17 things he loved about me (he's 17, see the pattern) and she was going to write 12 things....and together they added up to 51 which is how old I am!  Wow.....

Yesterday I was packing up the last of her childhood toys.  We sold all the barbies and make believe stuff back at Christmas time.  She was ready to ditch it all.  I wasn't.  I held onto the things that meant the most to me, due to the memories of her playing with them.  And the memories of me stepping on them while walking through the house.  As I packed them away for my future granddaughters I felt this overwhelming sadness that I normally don't feel as my kids grow out of phases.  I think because with my baby girl it happened so fast.  One day she was playing with her American girl dolls and literally the next day it was over and she was doing DIY's on Pinterest and YouTube.  She went from wearing her contacts one or two days a week to wearing makeup daily.  She gets up early now to do her hair in different styles.  I love this new stage, because she's SO good at it all and it means I'm off the hook of attempting to follow a teenager on you tube show me how to do a funky braid!  But I also miss being the one to take care of her.  It's so early!  My boys still wanted me to take care of them in so many ways until they were adult age.  Why is my daughter so self sufficient?  Aside from the fact that girls are different in that way, I think (again, out of my comfort zone) it's because she has me as a role model.  She's watched me do everything for everyone since she was born.  She's a strong young lady.  No whimpering, no whining, no I can't for her...no way in hell!  She's going to take the world by storm and she'll do it with a smile on her face! I love her with a fierceness that I can't describe.  People constantly say she's a mini me.  My love calls her Tiny T.  This means the world to me.  She is my legacy.  She will carry on my traditions when I can't anymore.  She is my little girl and I am eternally grateful that I am her mommy.

Every beginning is another beginning's end.....

It's been a rough week yet an amazing week.  This post will most likely be filled with a lot of contradictions.  I'm just warning you.  My feelings have been contradicting themselves all week.  I've been crying from joy and from sorrow.  I've been on top of the world one minute and feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest the next.  My life is just in that kinda place right now.  So many changes.  All good things.  But every new beginning means there's an ending to something somewhere.

Yesterday my youngest son played his last baseball game as a High School student.  He is one of two seniors on the team.  The other player isn't playing college ball, so technically that might have been his last game.  He was crying on the bus.  That broke my heart! My son realizes that could have been him had he not worked so hard to realize his dream.  It was still the end of an era for him.  I don't think he knew what to feel, honestly.  Plus, Senior Prom is today so he doesn't have time to dwell on it.  Neither did I .  I was sitting listening to music last night and Pandora was pulling out my heart.  The songs were all reminding me of the fact that my baby boy was leaving me.  I was sitting and the tears were streaming down my face, silently.  I just couldn't make myself stop.  He came home from his game and I held onto him so tightly.  It's starting to hit me.  Mostly because it's hitting him so hard he's making me stop and face it.

This morning I was folding laundry and his baseball jersey, slider shorts, socks and pants came out of the dryer.  I lost my mind.  I just began to have this overwhelming feeling of sadness as I folded his pants.  I realized....this is most likely the last time I will do that.  Next year someone else will be doing that for him.  I was reminded of the nights I was up until 1 am waiting for the washing machine to stop so that I could throw his "lucky pants" in the dryer to leave the house at 5 am for a game after getting home at 11 pm from a double header.  I was reminded of driving to the field and watching the sunrise and spending the day going from blankets and jackets to tank tops and shorts and then back to the blankets and jackets as the games ranged from early morning to evening.  I knew I would miss those days, but it never occurred to me that I'd be washing his uniform for the last time.  Wow.

I am a positive person.  I focus on the good in every situation.  I don't allow myself to dwell on the negative.  My life is changing drastically in the next 3-4 months.  I've been excited about the changes, thinking about all the good things to come and the new experiences that are coming.  I haven't allowed myself to think about the endings that need to come before the new beginnings.  Saying goodbye to the handful of good friends I've made here--realizing my coffee and lunch and movie and late night dinner dates will be ending.  I got a haircut yesterday and realized that I'm going to have to say goodbye to her and her amazing talent....wow I need to find someone I trust with my hair.  I texted my mechanic to ask him to check my boys cars before we move---he responded with a sad face and said "you can't move!"....wow I need to find someone I trust as much as him with our cars.  I had lunch with my friend Jen this week....no more 6 hour lunches where we laugh until we cry and solve the world's problems while eating salads.  No more of her taking one look at me and knowing EXACTLY what the hell I'm thinking. I'm having coffee with my friend Val this week....no more of her positive energy and our discussions about everything under the sun. The sadness overtook me.  I'm going to miss all of this.

Then last night I had a phone conversation with my friend Laura who lives about 30 minutes from where I'm moving....positive stuff.  Lunch dates will still happen, they will be different but still awesome.  Then my oldest son came and hung out in my room with me while I was winding down and trying to go to sleep.  We discussed all the good things that we have coming.  How many exciting new beginnings are on their way.  It reminded me that not too long ago I was sobbing about him leaving me.....yet here we are, closer than ever.  It's a different relationship, he's an adult now at 22, but in some ways (a lot of ways) it's better than the mom/child relationship.  We discuss things on a whole other level and we laugh at the same twisted jokes.

So, as I mourn the last _______ fill in the blank that I'm experiencing now, I look forward to the first _______ fill in the blank that's coming.  It's all part of the plan, all part of progress....and it's all a day in the life.....

The girl who stole my son's heart...

Since my boys were little people have teased me about what it would be like for me when they grew up and fell in love and eventually got married.  Everyone said they felt sorry for the girls my sons chose, like I would be a monster in law.  You know, those mothers they make movies about--the ones who hold onto their sons so tightly and cause problems with them and the women in their lives.  I knew I would never do that, but I kept my mouth shut.  Let them think what they want, I thought, I knew better.  I was wholly accepted by the mothers of the boys I dated in high school.  They always made me feel like part of the family, told me how happy they were that I was dating their son.  I wanted to be THAT mother.  The one who was happy that their son had a girl that really cared about them and was loyal and liked being around the family.  I was determined not to be controlling and jealous and all those ugly traits.  I usually accomplish what I set out to do in life.

Today, I spent some time with my youngest son's girlfriend.  I took her to do some prom preparation and we sat and talked for a really long time.  We've been spending more time together lately and I have truly realized how blessed my son is.   Everyone knows how much I adore my son, so I'm not saying he's not a good catch.  But this young woman is truly incredible.  I was an 18 year old girl once and I can assure you I was not nearly as selfless or grounded as she is.  

I have prayed over the years for the future spouses of my children.  I asked for them to love my children unconditionally.  I asked for them to love the rest of my family and for them all to get along.  I have seen first hand how spouses can come between siblings and make for huge family rifts.  I swore that would not happen in my family.  I have told my children this.  They know I wouldn't stand for any of that, so they should choose wisely.  

I know that my son and his girlfriend are young, but so many people reunite in their later years with their high school loves.  I think it's because most teenagers don't have the maturity to give a relationship what it needs to succeed, but when time and growth occurs their hearts find their way back to each other.  Wouldn't it be amazing if my son and his girlfriend didn't have to wait?  If they could get it right the first time?  It would save so much heartache.  My nephew and his wife have been together since they were 13 and just got married last year.  They are blissfully happy.  It's not impossible.

During our talk today we discussed life paths and how God always makes sure you are where you are supposed to be.  I love that she thinks like that---it's my only way of thinking.  With that being said, if they are meant to be together they will be, I know that.  But as I sat and chatted with her, this precious girl who stole my son's heart, I couldn't help but believe she was an answer to this mother's prayer.  To see how she understands my son, loves him completely and totally----how excited she is about their future.  She is willing to go to the ends of the earth with him, for him.  And not in a teenage crush stars in the eyes kinda way.  It's more than that.  She weathered a really difficult time in my family last year and she stayed right by his side and helped him through it. His devotion to me and to his siblings?  She gets it.  She embraces it.  She understands it.  She knows that I am really important to him, she understands that we have a bond that is stronger than most.  She is ok with it.  She even says how happy she is that I'm his mom.  Most girls could not deal with it.  I don't think I could!  I make it a point to let her know that I am fair and I definitely help him understand her point of view and show him when he's not being fair to her.  He listens.  My opinion is still extremely important to him right now. My son is a very complex young man.  He is not easy to understand (even though he is an amazing communicator) or deal with.  He's intense....all the time....(gulp...I may or may not have been that way at some point ;) )makes it REALLY hard some days to put up with.  Lord knows I struggle at times with him, and I'm his mom-I love him unconditionally.  But his girlfriend?  She makes it her mission to be there for him and understand him.  Most teenage girls are all about them...not this one.  She knows what's important, she sees the big picture, the finish line.  She follows her heart.  She's definitely the answer to this mother's prayers.  

Last year I wrote a letter in my blog to my son's future wife.  I can't predict the future, and only God knows for sure but I can't imagine anyone better for my son.  xoxoxo

Like only a mother can do.....

I spent a good portion of today cleaning my parents condo and cooking for my dad when I'm gone.  It struck me how my daughter and I were so careful to put things back the way they were, the way my mom would have wanted them.  It's been nearly two years since my mom herself placed things where they are.  My dad has a cleaning lady come now most of the time.  When my sister or my niece or I visit we usually clean so that he doesn't have to call the cleaning person.  It's obvious to me that they also try to put things back where my mom had them.  The linen closet doesn't have her touch any more....it's been replaced with the way we all fold things....none of us being able to duplicate her way of doing it.  Her touch.  I remember my sister saying last year how she was kinda annoyed that the cleaning lady redid the guest towels (which no one uses) because my mom had made a little flower out of the wash cloth and now that was gone.  I totally agree with her.  Seems silly to most I'm sure but those were the little touches my mom's house had that no one else's ever did.  They were important to her.  And they were obviously important to us.  I told my daughter how proud YaYa would be in the way she cleaned the bedroom.  As I vacuumed the purple carpet I remembered when she was bedridden and asked me to vacuum that same carpet.  I was almost irritated because I couldn't believe that she was so weak and she was worried and bothered by the fuzz on that carpet.  It was something that always bothered me as a child, that I felt my mom put more emphasis on vacuuming then she did on spending time with us.  Today, I took comfort in it.  Watching the sweeper make the tell tale lines in the carpet.  I felt close to her.  It made me wonder what my kids would try to keep alive when my physical presence is gone.  I know for damn sure it won't be how I cleaned.  Although I like my house clean it is totally not a priority in my life.  I do it because I have to and my kids know that.

My daughter, who is 12 and completely capable of making her own breakfast, asked me to make her waffles this morning.  She takes such delight every morning when I make them.  As if a gourmet meal is placed before her.  She exclaims, nearly daily, "no one makes waffles like you do mommy.  You always put the perfect amount of butter on them and they are always just right crispy."  I get it.  I'd give anything to have my mom make me a sandwich.  No one ever makes them like she did.  I know there will be those memories that my kids will miss.  But what will they try to keep alive?  I have no idea.

It makes me want to try harder.  It makes me want to have things that only I can do in a way that only I can do them.  Don't get me wrong, I know there are things that my kids will always remember me doing.  I'm a good mom, this I know.  It's probably the only thing in my life that I know I'm good at and I feel comfortable saying that I'm good at.  But what makes me stand out in their minds?  What will make them say, "Remember how mommy did that?"  Or don't touch that, mommy put it there.  Or maybe they won't do that.  Maybe their memories will be enough.  Who knows.

My youngest son wrote his senior paper this past week.  He said that mottos were never important in his life.  The only one that he cared about growing up was one I instilled in him.....Family first.  That was instilled in me by my dad.  I know that there will be things that the 3 of them will carry on because of me, just like I carry on things from my mom.  I just hope and pray that they will always know how very much I loved them and that everything I did, I did for them.

Let the change begin with choice

Why do relationships die?  Why do people lose the shiny newness that makes the beginning of a relationship so damn spectacular?  I've been asking myself that my whole life.  The beginning of a relationship (any relationship, not just romantic, but the later is more so) is always so much fun.  The feeling of butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation of seeing or talking to a specific person.  The smile that is plastered on your face all the time and it can only be explained by referring to that special someone.  So many people resign themselves to the fact that it's just the newness of a relationship that gives you that rush.  That once two people get to know each other and get comfortable with each other that is just destined to fade away.  Why?  Why do people just accept that?  What if it just doesn't have to be that way?  I've spent my entire existence being told that I'm a dreamer.  A romantic.  An idiot.  All because I was looking for that spark every day and not just at the beginning of a relationship.  I was told I watched too many movies, soap operas, read too many books.  And I believed it, because obviously the newness always wore off in all of my relationships (friendships too) so clearly....OBVIOUSLY....'they' must be right....Right?   WRONG!  Let me explain.


When I started pondering this issue I began to think that everyone who isn't feeling this spark or joy or happiness is in the wrong relationship.  They settled.  They chose the wrong person.  But then I started thinking-that's impossible.  Then I began to look at other relationships in life.  Friendships, family bonds, co workers.....and I started learning about the ego and the spiritual side and how people make choices in life.  I realized that the ego destroys most relationships, pride and past mistakes come into play and bam---spark extinguished.  "Well, I'm not doing that for them because last week they blah blah blah blah blah." "Oh no WAY am I letting them know how much they mean to me-they will use it against me! (BTW if that's true, then maybe you ARE in the wrong relationship, just sayin') BAM Relationship happiness doomed.  How can it be fixed?  How can we stop this wrong?  If you're in the wrong relationship, you can't.  There are people that are meant to come and go in your life and that's just life.  They teach you lessons, you teach them, and their portion of your life is over.  But, if you are in a long haul, forever and ever, infinity and beyond kind of relationship it's really very simple.  You have to choose each other first.  Always.  Every day.  Every minute.  It has to be a conscious choice---I choose you!  How do you do that?  It's simple really.  You put their happiness and the happiness of the relationship over any petty scenario that is in your head.  Now, I'm not saying to allow yourself to be a doormat (I've done that too!) but I'm asking you to ask yourself what's really important in your life.  Is control, or being right really worth losing that happiness that started the relationship in the first place?  I'm pretty sure if you're being honest the answer is no.

What sparked my thoughts on this was a conversation with my sons yesterday.  My younger son and I have spoken and texted all day every day since I've been away the last 10 days.  My older son and I have only spoken briefly and texted a handful of times. I don't compare them, they are 2 completely different people.  I spoke to my oldest last night and he was a bit stressed that I would be "pissed" at him because he hadn't called me or responded to a few texts I sent him with updates on his poppa.  I reassured him and said that if I had been upset with him I would have picked up the phone or texted him and said we need to talk about this.  I wouldn't just sulk and then blast him when I got home.  Communication works two ways and I know how he is and I accept it.  He was so relieved it was audible.  I don't expect him to behave in a way that is foreign to him and I don't expect him to shoulder the responsibility of this relationship.  That's what got me thinking.....this is what is wrong in relationships.  Expectations and not taking responsibility for what you want out of them.  In the past we have had a nasty exchange or two where one or both of us have said things we regretted and that caused a huge rift in our relationship.  The difference now?  We both choose to allow each other the freedom to be who we are.  We communicate when things start taking a bad turn and we right the wrong before it gets to that place it went to in the past. Every night, when we are in the same place, we make sure we hug, say goodnight and I love you, even if those are the only words we've spoken to each other all day. We have repaired our once sparkly relationship after a period of doom.  Why can't we do that with every relationship?  You have to choose!  You have to allow your love for the other person and the relationship to dominate your motives.

Sibling relationships and friendships are also not immune to the dulling of the relationship sparkle, the ebb and flow of life. It does seem that those relationships have an easier time of getting the initial sparkle back then romantic ones.  I'm not sure why.  Do we hold them to a lower standard than our life partners?  Maybe.  Or do we expect them to have the bright, shiny newness for longer because we don't spend as much time together?  Who knows.  But it's sad to me.  It's sad to see a once happy couple lose the spark in their eyes.  To hear and witness them resign themselves to this bleak future of just existing.  It doesn't have to be that way.  I am determined not to allow it to happen in mine.  I will say I'm very blessed to have found a partner who communicates better than anyone I've ever met.  He never makes me feel less than or judged.  To have a person like that in your life in any capacity is a blessing, but to have him as my other half?  Beyond my wildest dreams.  I will never take that for granted.  I thank God every night for the gift of his love in my life and I'm pretty sure he does the same. It's imperative in life to be grateful for your partners presence.  And not "yea, well I'm glad he is a good father but he leaves a mess in the kitchen every day!" or "She is a great cook but she spends too much money!"  No!  No buts.  No if only. Remember every but you add is something that someone, somewhere would love to have. Appreciate your partner for their good qualities.  Focus on those.  The reasons you fell in love with them.  Make a list if you have to.  Hang it on your mirror and look at it every day.  Add to it.  I can almost guarantee it will grow.  As you look for the good and you appreciate it something magical will happen.  Your partner will feel appreciated and loved.  And when we feel appreciated and loved, don't we want to do more of the things that are being loved and appreciated?  YES!  Don't we all want to be a priority in someone's life?  Don't we all want to be understood?  Well....it has to start with someone!  And we can't expect change to come overnight.  We all love the saying "be the change you want to see in the world"  or "I'm starting with the (wo)man in the mirror"  but why do we avoid doing that with the love of our lives?  Fear? Ego?  Pride?  Control?  Bullshit.  I can tell you that nothing...nothing feels better than that shiny new beginning of a relationship feeling every day!  And there is no way I'm letting that fade.

A Mother's Touch

I've been in Florida this past week taking care of my dad.  This is the first time I've been here since my mom passed that I've allowed myself to truly feel her absence.  Or maybe it's feeling her presence.  Not sure.  Tears came when I stepped in the front door last week.  My heart began to ache and I heard her voice in my head, so excited that we were here---like in the past.  I recovered and focused on what needed to be done.  Between doctors and scoping the area that we will be moving to this summer the past week went by quickly.  Today, however, took it's toll.

My dad wasn't feeling well enough to go to the Oncologist today so I decided to go alone to hopefully get the answers we needed.  I spent the drive there on the phone with the love of my life, that always makes me happy no matter what is going on around me. When I stepped foot inside the office the tears began to creep up.  Wow.  I was flooded with memories of my son's battle and now my mom's came as well.  I saw her sitting in the wheel chair the last time I took her for chemo.  I saw her face in every patient there.  I sat in the waiting area and my heart just broke for every person there.  I knew their pain.  I felt their struggle.  It was too raw for me.  Will it ever fade?  No.  I don't think so.

I spoke to the oncologist.  I've become quite adept at dealing with the percentages and risks and time frames and writing as quickly as the doctor speaks.  All business and no emotion.  Got it.  Done.  Paid the copay and out I went.  Another phone call to my rock, my guy, the love of my life.  Keeps me grounded, keeps me sane, brings me joy.  Then I hung up.  I heard my mother's voice.  She called me Tina Bellina -  wow, I haven't heard that in too long.  The tears began to flow.  I truly could not stop them.  I had to pull over, they were that bad.  I allowed them to cleanse my pain.  I allowed them to take it all away.  I don't always allow myself that, there's no time usually.  I turned the air conditioning off in the car because I had a chill through my body.  I just sobbed for a good 15 minutes.  I miss my mom so much.  I apologized to her for the seemingly cold exterior I've had the last year.  It's my armor.  It's my protection.  She assured me that it didn't show when I was taking care of last year, I was grateful for that. I found it easier to remember the negative things about my mom at that time rather than allow myself to remember all the good things. The excitement she'd get when she was eating something delicious.  Her exclamation of "oh I LOVE it!" when talking about something that gave her joy.  Her voice telling me how gorgeous my daughter is when seeing her picture from school.  Since January, when I realized that my mom was taking care of me from heaven in a way that I will be eternally grateful for, I've allowed myself to hear her.  I've allowed myself to miss her and to remember all the good things.  I've allowed myself to grieve.  I feel my mother with me all the time.  I hear her talking to me whenever I allow myself to.  My heart breaks for those who don't hear or feel their departed loved ones.  I couldn't imagine not having that.

Grief is so challenging.  It comes in ways I never imagined.  I'm grieving the days when my parents were both healthy and I didn't have to think about any of the things my siblings and I have been faced with in the last two years.  I am grieving the time when I didn't have to think about my own mortality and the fact that we are all growing older and we won't always be healthy and carefree. But, I don't allow myself to set up camp there.  No.  There is too much to look forward to.  Life is too good, even with all of this negative stuff trying to take over.  So, after the tears subsided and I went about the to do list that I needed to accomplish, I began to count my blessings.  I allowed myself to feel the joy that has been bubbling up inside of me since I came alive again last December.  And when the guilt threatened to rob my joy I sent it packing.  Guilt for feeling happy when there is so much to be sad about.  Guilt for having this amazing future ahead of me while all of those patients were sitting in an oncologists office.  Nope.  I won't have it.  Because God has blessed me and I will always be grateful for all of His gifts.  And even though trials still come my way I know that my mother will be by my side to help us all through them.  A mother's touch can heal the world and my mother's touch has always been magical....and it's all a day in the life.

Right back where we started from.....

It's been a little over a year since my mom passed away.  It's been a really difficult year to say the least.  My dad has suffered tremendously emotionally and it's difficult to watch. He's a shell of who he was.  Then he began having medical issues.  Last July my daughter and I flew there to take care of him during his eye surgery, my sister met us there and we finished cleaning out my mom's things.  As soon as my sister left and my dad was alone he began getting sick.  We didn't realize the extent of the illness until December.  My brother and sister in law and niece were with him in October then he came to me in November.  He was totally not himself.  We chalked it up to broken heart syndrome, but then in December we had a huge scare. My dad was admitted to the hospital with septic shock and apparently suffered a heart attack.  Luckily it was in NY and we were all together.  He went home to Florida finally in February and began having different medical issues.  He was admitted to the Hospital in Florida again in March and we found out he had/has colon cancer.  The c word AGAIN.  I almost can't breathe while typing this because it just keeps flooding back.  My brother went down, my niece went down, my sister went down and now I'm getting there on Tuesday.  He has to have eye surgery again and a slew of doctor's appointments to follow up with.  My sister did a bunch this week and there are still a lot next week. It's like deja vu.....the thought of stepping into the oncologist's office next week literally leaves me in a state of panic.  I feel physically sick and scared and just panicked. When I went through cancer with my son I was too busy being in the proactive, protecting, sheltering mode.  With my mom I felt experienced, I knew what to ask, I understood the situation.  My dad has already said he will refuse treatment.  How do I deal with that?  I can't blame him after watching my mom suffer the way she did.  We are all very grateful that my parents were so healthy for most of their lives.  My daddy will be 86 in June, God bless him.  At this point in time the best we can do for him is love him and care for him and respect his wishes and enjoy every moment we can with him.  The funny thing is my kids and I will be moving to Florida this summer, something my parents always wanted.  Better late than never, I suppose.   

It just all feels too familiar.  Too real.  Too soon!  We have not even been able to catch our breath and here we are again.  I know tomorrow isn't guaranteed, I get it.  I do practice what I preach, but c'mon. There is so much change going on sometimes it's hard to keep up.  It's times like this that I have no patience for people's belly aching...(that's what my mom used to call it when people whined and complained).  I get it, life can be tough, shit happens, but for the love of God there are people with REAL stuff going on.  Even with everything I've described I know there are people suffering way more than what's going on in my world.  That's why I always count the blessings and they always far outweigh the sorrows.  I'm blessed in SO many ways.  And when I start to get that overwhelming feeling of sadness or loss I remind myself of that.  

I had a conversation with my youngest son last week about being happy in the moment.  I think I'm getting through to him.  I wasted so many moments thinking about the next, if I can help anyone change that way of thinking I want to.  Every day for the last almost 5 months I have had a heart full of happiness and joy and love.  Even with all the awful things I just described to you I am happy every day.  Sometimes, I almost feel guilty being THIS happy with all the crap that's going on around me. But then I realize I've waited 51 years to be this happy and I am not going to waste a single second of it.  I'm going to live every moment of this crazy life to the fullest and find the blessings and joy in every day.   The man responsible for this joy in my life told me one day during all of this that "it's just a bad day, not a bad life".....so true.    The difference between this year and last year is him.  Having someone by your side who loves you unconditionally and supports you not matter what is the greatest gift I've ever received.  And with him by my side I will face this next chapter in life and continue to find the blessings in every moment.  Because when all is said and done.....it's just a day in the life.......

Holiday Road

Happy Easter!  It seems so strange to me that today is Easter.  Holidays are not what they used to be for me and I'm okay with that.  I threw the kids Easter baskets together last night and this morning and they were happy with them, as always.  I'm not sure if the difference is because they are older now, the magic is gone...the anticipation is non existent. Or, is the difference in me?  Or maybe a combination of both.  Since we moved away from family 11 years ago and even before if I'm being honest holidays were smaller.  I wanted to make traditions for my kids that didn't include running around like a chicken with my head cut off resulting in a stressed out cranky mommy.  When my older 2 were little I'm afraid they got a lot of that.  Trying to find the perfect clothes for the holiday, stressing because the matching shirts didn't come in the right sizes, no they wore that color last year in the picture with Santa or the Bunny--oy vey!  Then trying to cram my traditions into a very small window so that we could rush out to some relatives house to follow their tradition.  Not fun.  The kids would enjoy it....sometimes.....depending on the moods and the energy of whoever's home we were at.  Truthfully the only holiday I ever truly loved was Thanksgiving because I had it at my house every year.  Yes, it was a lot of prep and work, but I always knew what to expect. Once we moved from New York to Arizona I still dressed the kids up for a year or so, but then I realized it wasn't worth the trouble and they weren't comfortable the whole day.  That began my transformation into holiday chill.  Ahhhhh....guess what?  The world kept spinning and my kids were so much happier!  Then I began to stress less about the food.   Guess what?  same thing.  Until finally I let go of all the appearance stuff and went with what made us feel good.  No more waking them up and rushing them on a time schedule.  What's the point?  Where's the joy in that?   This is the first year that I let the younger 2 open their baskets without the oldest.  He's going to sleep half the day away and my younger son had to go to work.   The egg hunt will take place when he gets home from work.  Dinner?  Frozen lasagna---yes that's right, don't judge me ;)  We only have a small window and then we're heading to the movies to see something we've all been waiting to see and we are all together!  Isn't that what's it's about in the end?  Us being together?  Next year, my son has informed me he won't be home at Easter because his team will be playing Easter weekend (he'll be away at college).  There was a time that would have sent sheer panic through my veins.  I looked at him and said, "So?  We'll come to you!"  Who cares where we are?  Sometimes I do worry that my daughter will not have a sense of what a holiday "should" be.  But I know deep in my heart she will have the BEST memories of them, because we are all happy!  There is no stress, no anger, no resentment about doing something you don't want to do.  She won't have the memories of being crammed in a church pew with people who are only there because they are afraid of going to hell if they aren't.  God is part of EVERY single day in our home, not just holidays.  Besides, holidays are about being with the ones you love.  Not about trees or baskets or balloons or even cake.  It's about spending time with the ones who make life worth living.  And if you live your life right?  Every day is a holiday and a blessing....at least it is for me <3 p="">

Finding the balance within myself

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I see.  I've had so many come to Jesus moments in the past 8 years and I've always come out as a bigger, better  version of the person I was before it. I'm struggling at the moment with deciding when enough is enough.  When is it time to just embrace the flawed human being I see when I look in that mirror.  When do my feelings matter more than others needs and wants of me?  I struggle with this every day.  My greatest strength and weakness is wanting the people in my life to be happy....sometimes at my own expense.  I've never felt like my needs and feelings should come first.  However, with that being said, I've realized that sometimes I only think about my own feelings and I don't realize that others sometimes feel things just as strongly---see the quandary?  This is why I struggle.  Am I being too selfish or too selfless?  I feel like there are 2 people inside of me fighting each other.  Can I find the blend?  The best of both of them, therefore creating the best version of me?  Or should I just allow me to be me and those who love me, truly love me, will accept me for who I am and if someone can't then I guess that's important to know.

I appear to be a strong, confident, independent woman.  In some ways I am just that.  With the outside world, people who don't matter in my life yes....I am that person. I really don't care what others think of me in outside world, their opinions are not personal to me. To those that I love...especially in a romantic sense....I am a marshmallow.  I have no spine.  I lose myself in trying to please them.  When parts of my personality come out that they don't like or that frustrates them I try to change it.  Sometimes I'm successful and I become a better version of myself.  Sometimes I'm successful and I lose part of myself that maybe should have been embraced. How do I decide?  What about the parts of me that no matter how hard I try I can't overcome? When do I throw in the towel and just embrace the crazy and let the chips fall where they may? I try so hard to have peace in my life that sometimes it causes a tornado inside of myself.  Then it comes out in destructive ways sometimes, because I'm forcing myself to swallow things that I just can't seem to get down.  It's a form of self-sabotage, I suppose.  I don't know.  I do know that I'm tired. For some reason that I have not been able to figure out (except for a tiny incident when I was about 5 years old) I need to be first to someone.  I need someone to put me before everything else in their life-always.  I need that proof and I need it daily.  Sounds like a lot I know.  Sounds needy....I GET it.  But I cannot overcome this need.  I've been trying for YEARS to overcome it....because I've been disappointed time and time and time again because I've never been that to anyone.  Maybe it's unrealistic.  But guess what?  It's not!  Because I do it.  I do it all the time.  So, is it unfair to want this?  I'm trying still to get over this need.  I just can't do it.    This journey to self discovery and self work is a hard one.  And I know it never ends.  But right now?  I need a break from it.  I need to just allow myself to be me and give myself the love and devotion that I give those close to me.  And I need to realize that I may never receive that same devotion back from anyone other than myself.  And I need to be okay with that, I need to realize that not everyone needs or wants that kind of devotion.  I learned it the hard way with my oldest son.  Maybe it's time to take it easy on myself.  Maybe that's my newest lesson....

Growing up, growing pains

Last night as I went to bed I got a text from my son telling me to look under my pillow.  He had written me a letter for Valentines day.  My heart is aching today and my eyes are dripping still.  My middle...second...ugh I hate those labels.  My youngest son, there that's better.  My youngest son and I have a long history of letters.  I have them all.  Whenever he did something wrong, got punished, or had deep emotions he couldn't bare to speak I'd get a letter under my door.  It became a running joke as he got older.  Whether or not a specific situation was going to warrant a letter.  This one was the all time top heart breaker.  After I read it I went into his room sobbing.  Apparently loud enough for my oldest son to hear and come upstairs to make sure I was ok.  When I told him that I was fine, that his brother had written me a letter he smiled, knowing.  He said "what did you do, take away his Nintendo DS".  We all laughed at that one.

My cream filling son is going to college next year.  It's not going to be easy.  I am in denial.....so is he.  As close as I was and am to my oldest, when he went to college he had spent the year before breaking away from me.  I accepted it, I knew it was the natural progression of life.  But my younger son?  No.  That's not happening.  We can't separate from each other.  It's nearly impossible.  He is busy all the time.  Work. Baseball.  His amazing girlfriend.  School.  But yet, he always has to make sure he has one on one time with me.  Texts me all the time.  I wrote a book about him.Beyond the Immediate.  It is a story about his battle with cancer when he was 10.  Our relationship has never been the same since that time.  He and I have a bond that no one else can begin to comprehend.  He became my hero, and apparently, I became his.  We grew up together in that hospital.  I was forever changed and so was he.  I began my journey of self discovery and it appears that he observed the whole thing with the intent to do the same.  People tell you that you can't be your children's friend.  I totally disagree.  I've been their friend since they were born.  I was their first friend.  They need to know you have their backs, no matter what!  I'm lucky.  My kids never disrespected me when they were little, even though I was their friend.  They knew I was their mom too.  17 was the age when things changed with my oldest, he began to look at me in a way that I believe most teenagers look at their parents.  It's normal, it's the natural progression of them leaving the nest, preparing to separate.  My youngest son has never looked at me that way.  Still.  He still thinks I hung the moon.  I am waiting.  I keep waiting.  I don't want to be shocked when and if it happens.  But, in my heart, I don't think it will.  We've been to war together, a war against cancer and the rest of the world.  That changes things, don't you think?  Not to mention I have been all over the state and a few others in pursuit of his baseball dreams.  I've sat in 120 degrees and as cold as 30.  He doesn't forget that.  He remembers the car rides, the laughter, the tears, the dancing, the singing, he remembers it all.  How blessed am I?  The thought of not being at every game next year when he's in college breaks my heart.  It breaks his too, I found out.  He's going to school 2500 miles away.  Thankfully, we are moving closer to him.  He'll be 500 miles away instead.

Here's the secret, I think, to my relationship with my kids.  First of all, God has blessed me FAR more than I deserve.  He has entrusted me with 3 incredible souls to raise and I will be eternally grateful for those gifts.  I think, I always tried to be the parent I wish I had.   I always felt safe with my parents, like no matter what it would be ok. I tried to give that to my kids.  I always knew I was loved, no matter what.  I definitely gave them that.  But, what I didn't have when I was growing up was someone who didn't mock the silly things that kids worry about.  The things that we, as adults know are trivial.  I wish I had someone who would have empathized with those silly little things and explain that in actuality it would all be ok.  I did that for my kids.  I tried to never make them feel insignificant.  I think I succeeded.  I remember when I was 13 I was so upset about growing up.  I didn't want to do it, I was terrified.  I wanted things to stay exactly as they were.  I was crying at the table with my mother and my sister and they were smirking.  I locked myself in the bathroom and I wrote on a piece of paper that I was afraid to grow up and I passed it under the door.  (now I know where my son got his note passing genes ;)  ).  They could not contain their laughter.  I was heart broken.  They tried to stop laughing and talk to me but it was too late.  I was never going to trust them with my deepest thoughts again.  The walls around my heart started building that day I think.  Probably before, but that was a significant time I still feel the pain when I remember it.   I was determined to never let my kids feel that.  I guess what I'm saying is that, as a parent, you have to treat your children as PEOPLE....not subordinates, or less than you, as people!  With compassion and understanding.  Always think, how would I feel if someone treated me like that?  I didn't always get it right, I'm human, but I never stopped trying.  Another thing I think a lot of parents don't do is share their mistakes with their kids.  I am brutally honest with them.  They know all the screw ups I made.  The things I did that I wouldn't want them to do in high school.  It made me real to them.  It made them connect with me, not look at me as the enemy but as someone who understands.  I have in turn be trusted with their secrets.  Things most parents suspect about their kids but never know for sure.  They talk to me about it all. I am the type of person who believes in full disclosure with all relationships in my life, why would my kids be any different?  Parents don't want their kids to lie, yet they go crazy on them with lectures and dissappointed faces when they are told the truth, no wonder they keep things to themselves.  It's tough, I'm not saying it's not.  But I can tell you honestly, it's worth it.  The bond you create with your child will be worth it.  They are only kids for 18 years.....they will be your adult friends for a lifetime.  Remember that.....its all part of growing up.  For us and for them.  It's beyond the immediate.

A day of hearts....

Happy Valentines Day!

I am not a huge fan of Valentines day.  In fact, it's been a day I dreaded for a long long time.  Expectations were probably the reason.  I was always a sucker for romantic gestures.  My dad spoiled me for any man to make my Valentines day.  Every year I'd wake up to candy and a stuffed animal from my first Valentine.  He set the bar pretty high, obviously.  I was always searching for that feeling I'd get seeing what my dad had chosen for me, that feeling like I was special. As I got older I realized that you can't get that feeling from flowers...or chocolate....or jewelry....you get it from having that one person in your life that makes you feel like that every day.  It's priceless.  And it isn't about Valentines day, it's about every day.  And once you have it you realize what's been missing in your life.

ok, this is NOT what I set out to write about today, but when you're in love, truly truly in love for the first time in your life it kinda sorta takes over your brain. I woke up this morning in a sad way but after a quick phone conversation my heart is whole again and the feelings I was feeling have faded.  But I feel I need to get it out and write about it so I'm going to.

Last year was one of the worst years of my life.  Today marks the one year anniversary of the last day I saw my mother alive.  I was in Florida taking care of her and an emergency back in Arizona forced me to leave a week early and go home.  So, I sat at my parents table holding my moms hand for the last time.  I couldn't look her in the eye, I was hiding the shit that was going on back home and I was afraid if I looked at her I would lose my mind.  I had to be strong for her.  But, my whole soul shows in my eyes so I avoided eye contact.  I remember how soft her hands were.  I remember tracing the veins on her hand and playing with her rings while we sat in silence.  My God I miss her.  She was telling me how much she loved me and asking me if I forgave her.  I knew what she meant.  I assured her that I did and told her how much I loved her.  But truth be told, I didn't feel the forgiveness in my heart.  I didn't feel the love that I feel now.  I was guarded.  The wall I had up on my heart was protecting me.  I had my heart shattered so many times over the years I just couldn't let myself feel anymore.  I was frozen.  But I hope my words were enough to make her feel the forgiveness and love that I feel now, in this moment for her.  I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom.  I knew she was dying but I thought we had more time.  I was the last person (with my daughter) besides my dad to see her alert.  Two days later she slipped into basically a coma and she never came back.  I feel blessed.  I got to have that moment, holding her hand and feeling her.  My mommy.  The woman who gave me life and healed my boo boos.  I have been in denial over the last year of the void it's left in my life not to have her here.  But on my birthday this year she came to me.  She let me in on a secret that has changed everything.  She has brought me the very best gift I've ever received.  She was working behind the scenes on my behalf to answer every prayer I've ever spoken or even thought in my head.  It all makes sense to me now. The sheer bliss I have in my life right now.  It was her final gift to me.  And now I am mourning her death in a way I wasn't able to before.  Because all the walls around my heart are gone.  So I feel things as if I was never hurt before.  So the grief is fresh. Today I remember seeing her face that very last time and how it felt to hug her, hold her and say good bye.  But I'm lucky.  I feel her and see her all the time now.   It's not the same as having her physically here, but it's better than nothing.

So, as I wipe the tears that are pouring from my eyes I realize what a difference a year makes.  I will never look at Valentines day the same way again.  It will now symbolize to me a day of sheer and true love.  A day of new beginnings.  A day of a heart that will never have to be guarded again because it's finally in the hands of the person it was meant for.  And I have my mommy to thank for it all.

Have I told you about my first born?

When I was expecting my first child I was torn between wanting a boy first (clearly so he could protect the little sister that I knew would come along) and wanting a daughter first, because let's face it, girl clothes are way cuter.  I was thrilled when I found out my first child was going to be a boy.  I remember feeling like he and I had a secret all the time.  I would talk to him, I knew his every movement.  I felt his hiccups and his somersaults.  It was such a magical time in my life.  When he was born in a way I was born too.  I became a mom.  And that defined me for the next 17 years.  It was my calling.  It was my mission in life.  THIS was my mark on the world.  These little people that God trusted me to mold and shape and love and understand.  I took no other role as seriously in my life.  I love my children, all three of them.  But this post is about my first born.  He will be 22 next month (gulp).....he's a man.  But part of him will always be my little baby boy.

He's gorgeous, just saying.  Utterly beautiful to look at.  He gives THE best hugs in the world, but only if you are special enough to be worthy of them.  He's very selective on who he lets into his life.  He always has been.  I'm the lucky one.  He chooses me as his confidant more times then not.  We had a really tough time from around the time of his 17th birthday until about 6 months ago.  I wondered at times if we would ever be close again.  It was the worst heartbreak of my life if I'm being honest (and I always am).  When a relationship breaks up it hurts, but when it's your child....and a child that you have been closer to than nearly anyone else....it's soul crushing.  But, we are back on track now, thankfully and I am ever so grateful. For any of you going through the growing pains of the 17-21 year old here's my only advice----ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE.  You don't always have to like them but it's necessary to love them.  You are their lifeline.  Their strength. They need you even if they don't seem to.

Yesterday I found myself frustrated with him.  When your kids are adults it's sometimes challenging to allow them to be who they are without losing your mind.  We are still navigating the parent/adult child relationship and learning how it works.  Just as we've learned everything else together as he is "the crash test child" (his words).  This morning we were back on track.  We had some time alone (a rarity these days) and I am learning that this is my time to just listen to him and not try to interject anything, even if he asks for my opinion.  He needs a sounding board.  I'm it.  He has taught me so much about how men think.  He and his brother are similar yet so different that I have a wide spectrum on how the male mind thinks.  (I could have REALLY used this when I was a teenager.)  I used to be a bit of a male basher (yes, I'm ashamed!) but now?  I think men are amazing, misunderstood and true gifts from God if loved unconditionally.

He spends time with his siblings doing what they want to do.  He takes an interest in their day to day lives.  I've heard him tell them both that "this is it.  The four of us?  It's all that matters.  You need to give the best to us and vice versa.  Everyone else?  Just extra.  We are what matters!."  He showed me today that he started bank accounts for his younger siblings and explained how he makes the deposits and what they are based on.  This brought me to tears.  This child (man) is so much more than anyone else sees.  He has been labeled, criticized, judged, hurt, bullied and ostracized since he was little.  People have never seen the side of him that I do.  That his siblings do.  It sucks to be them, because he's truly a bright light in a world of darkness.  He refused to show people the real him unless they prove their worthiness to him.  The woman that is fortunate enough to share his life with him will be a very lucky lady.  That will mean she cared enough to see through the exterior he shows to the world and loved him enough to see past his quirks.  I pray every day for her.  She will be welcomed into our family with open arms.  And she will know.....she's getting an amazing man, and I will still look at him like my baby boy....the one that I grew up with....the one that made me a mom. <3 p="">

Never settle for anything less.....

Funny, my last post was about the void inside of me.  I found an old blog entry from New Years Day 2014 that I never posted....it describes where I was then.  No joy.  Numbness.  hmmmm...seems to be a pattern in my life. I could pretty much have written that post every New Years day for the last 30 some years.  Not this year.  And I'm pretty sure I will never write anything of the sort ever again....  Let me post what I had written.  I think it will help anyone who is trying to find the joy in their life.  I had good intentions.  I tried to decide what made me happy, that's a big start.  It's a definite way of finding what makes you tick.  For the longest time I had no idea what made me happy.  My happiness was wrapped up in the happiness of others...one day I looked at my kids and realized they were growing up and I was going to be on my own at some point.  Yikes.  What would I do with myself?  That began my journey to self discovery.  Finally, at some point in the last year I became really happy with the person I saw in the mirror.  Not physically necessarily.  I still have some work to do with that portion of my self love, but I really fell in strong like with the inner being I had become. It changed everything else.  It made me not want to be around anyone or anything that made me feel less than peaceful and happy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still a really good friend to those people I choose to have in my life.  I still drop everything to answer the phone if my nieces call.  I'm still a really devoted mom.  But I no longer let every one's issues become my issues.  I'm able to not allow it to affect me the way it used to.  I realize I can't fix every one's problems and it's not my job to.  But, that doesn't make me a bad friend, Aunt, mother, sister ....you get the drift.  Here's the post I found...

HAPPY NEW YEAR…I GUESS
POSTED ON JANUARY 1, 20142014 IS HERE—I’VE WAITED FOR IT, THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AMAZING AND I HAD SUCH HOPES FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON.  THEY FELL FLAT.  EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS FALLING FLAT LATELY.  I FEEL NUMB.  I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND TRIED TO MEDITATE (I’VE BEEN SIDETRACKED THROUGH MOST OF DECEMBER AND NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN) AND REALIZED I FEEL NOTHING.  A LITTLE SADNESS, BUT MOSTLY NOTHING.  SURE, I LAUGH AND SMILE AND JOKE AROUND, BUT INSIDE—DEAD.  THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT—I HAVE NO JOY IN MY LIFE.  DON’T GET ME WRONG, I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE.  I HAVE 3 AMAZING KIDS, A FAMILY THAT LOVES ME, FRIENDS WHO CARE ABOUT ME, 2 DOGS, A FANTASTIC JOB, AN EX HUSBAND WHO STILL LEAVES ME TO RAISE MY KIDS ANYWAY I WANT TO AND DOESN’T TRASH ME TO THE WORLD, 2 HEALTHY PARENTS WHO I ADORE AND ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME.  SO WHAT’S SHE BITCHING ABOUT YOU ASK….NOTHING BRINGS ME JOY—THAT HAPPINESS INSIDE OF YOU THAT BUBBLES OUT OF YOUR EYES AND MAKES YOUR HEART SWELL.  I NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT BRINGS ME JOY.
IT JUST SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS SO BUSY ALL THE TIME (I AM TOO, A SINGLE, WORKING MOM WHO IS SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING MY YOUNGER 2 KIDS TO EVERY ACTIVITY, PARTY, SCHOOL EVENT ETC.) THAT THEY DON’T THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NOT JOYFUL.  BUT most of us have had THAT JOY, THAT SPARK THAT AMAZING FEELING OF HAPPINESS at some point in our lives, but let's be honest--it hasn't lasted, YOU LOSE IT—YOU REALIZE IT’S GONE AND YOU WANT IT BACK SO BADLY YOU’LL DO ALMOST ANYTHING.
LAST NIGHT THE KIDS AND I (AND MY SON’S GIRLFRIEND) MAKE HAPPINESS/BLESSING/THANKFUL JARS FOR 2014 WITH THE INTENTION OF PUTTING IN 2 GOOD THINGS EVERY DAY THAT HAPPENED TO US.  I’M HOPING THIS TRIGGERS MY JOY METER. I’M REALLY A VERY SIMPLE PERSON, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS SO HARD FOR ME.  I DON’T NEED STUFF, I’M NOT MATERIALISTIC AT ALL.  I’M HOPING THAT WRITING WILL UNLEASH WHATEVER IS INSIDE OF ME BLOCKING MY HAPPINESS.
THINGS I ENJOY
-A RELAXING CUP OF COFFEE IN THE MORNING
-GOING TO THE MOVIES AND SEEING A GOOD ROMANTIC COMEDY OR EVEN A KIDS MOVIE OR JUST A COMEDY
-WHEN MY HOUSE IS CLEAN AND ORGANIZED AND NOT MESSY–BRINGS ME JOY YET CAN’T SEEM TO OBTAIN IT CONSISTENTLY
-COOKING AND HAVING MY FAMILY ENJOY THE MEAL – MY FAMILY WENT FROM 5 TO 3 RECENTLY -MAYBE THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS NOT BRINGING ME AS MUCH JOY.
-COMPLETING MY TO DO LIST–OR COMING CLOSE
-HAVING COFFEE OR LUNCH OR DINNER WITH A GOOD FRIEND.  BUT SOMETIMES THAT JUST MAKES ME SADDER, DEPENDING ON THE DAY- SOMETIMES I MONOPOLIZE THE CONVERSATION OR THEY DO AND THAT JUST DOESN’T MAKE ME HAPPY.  I LIKE IT WHEN IT BALANCES OUT AND WE BOTH GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT–THAT HAPPENS WITH MY SISTER AND MY FRIEND LAURA MOSTLY.  I HAVE ONE FRIEND THAT I JUST MONOPOLIZE EVERYTHING WITH AND THE OTHERS, WELL IT’S MOSTLY ABOUT THEM.
-SITTING ON THE BEACH AND WATCHING MY KIDS PLAY IN THE OCEAN.
-WATCHING MY SONS BECOME BEST FRIENDS AFTER YEARS OF IT BEING NOT THAT WAY.
SO, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO TO FIND THIS JOY?  I’M GOING TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT AND FIND THAT JOY IN EVERY ONE.
HAPPY NEW YEAR….YES IT WILL BE!HAPPY NEW YEAR…I GUESS


Last year (February 2015) was by far the darkest time in my life.  Worse than when my 10 year old had cancer, yes, you read that right.  My mother was terminally ill and passed away (yes, the year before I said I had 2 healthy parents...never know how quickly things can change)and my oldest son was struggling and there was nothing I could do to help him.  I felt like I was drowning, I couldn't get my head out from under the water.  I was scared and sad and I felt a despair I never even imagined was possible.  It made New Years 2014 look like Christmas morning for God's sake.  But I'm here to tell you that even at your lowest possible moment....it will get better!  Even the most horrible situation will eventually heal and if you ALLOW yourself to feel better, you will!

Recently, I've been lucky enough to be the happiest I have EVER been in my life.  Every morning I wake up with this joy bubbling over out of my body, it is insane!  It is the most incredible feeling I've ever had.  And it's constant.  It's literally every second of every day---I'm not lying.  If you've read my previous entries you know I don't sugar coat, I'm not Willie Wonka.  This is a true situation.  It is possible!  The fairy tale?  Underrated....understated....it can be better than you even imagine!  I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful.  I don't feel even a tiny bit guilty that I've found it.  I do feel badly for those who don't have it yet.  But my mission is to help anyone and everyone find it.  Everyone should feel this good.  No, I'm not taking narcotics.  No, I haven't lost my mind.  I'm here to tell you that Euphoria is REAL and possible....and now that I have it, I will never settle for anything less.  Neither should you!  You're worth it.....