Don't You Forget About Me....

I went to see the Breakfast Club last week....on the big screen.  Fabulous...I don't think I ever saw it on the big screen before.  One of my all time favorite movies.  It got me thinking about High School, and labels, and how you really don't know the struggles people carry within them until you get to know them.  I was, if I have to put a label on it, a loner in High School.  I always had one best friend and a boyfriend and that was enough for me.  It still is, if I'm being honest, only my best friend and my boyfriend are the same person finally.  With that being said there is always room for quality people in my life.

When I was in High School I remember feeling like no one really liked me very much.  Maybe because I didn't like myself very much or maybe because I was so self absorbed I thought everything was about me.   Maybe a bit of both.  But regardless I didn't have a good high school experience.  My high school years were okay, it was my time physically IN school that I didn't enjoy. Freshman and Sophomore year were fun but by the time I was a senior I left school at 10:45 am for the day. My friends were made at work, my part time job that was my high school and a place that I felt like I belonged! So, in a class of 1559 students (yes, that's one thousand five hundred and fifty nine)  I didn't get to know very many of them, and that was okay with me at the time.  I didn't keep in touch with ANYONE from High School.  I moved out of the area when I was 20 and I left that part of my life behind and didn't look back.

Through the years I ran into a few classmates.  My hairdresser was one of the most popular girls in school.  She and I became pretty close.  Our boys had play dates and she was very similar to me, she didn't really keep in touch with anyone from school.  I worked with another classmate in the early 90's.  In 1997 I moved back to the area and ran into a few more classmates, but never a lot. Fast forward 30 years and the face book days.  I reconnected with a few high school friends.  In 2010 I saw an elementary school/high school friend here in Arizona.  It was so good to reconnect with her.  I realized that even though we never really knew each other in high school she was an incredible person and I was so happy we reconnected.  We've kept in touch and have seen each other whenever she comes here or I go back to New York.  I asked her how she viewed herself in high school and she said, in one word....invisible.  Yes!  I related to that!  She's certainly not invisible now, she's reconnected with a lot of people from the class of 83 and she's such a kind, loving, fun and fantastic woman.

Reconnecting with her made me realize that some friendships are best left until later in life.  I also realized that growing up in the same neighborhood and attending elementary school together bonds you in a strange sort of way.  It was so nice to be able to mention a place and have her know exactly what I was talking about!  In 2015 I had the pleasure of seeing another elementary/high school friend here in Phoenix.  Her son was attending college here and I spent the day with her and her husband and her other son. She happens to be the same friend I worked with and ran into when I moved back to the area. It was like no time had passed.  And the great part is we didn't dwell on the past stuff we talked about our current lives.  Her family is beyond amazing, her husband made sure to get my son Yankee Tickets when we went to NY in May....just all good things.  I've gotten to see her a few more times both here and in New York and her sons (both live in Phoenix now) and I have had numerous fb conversations---she's a great mom to have raised such phenomenal sons-- I ADORE them!  What a waste that we never hung out in High School....I could have watched those boys grow up.  When I asked her how she described herself in high school she said "determined"...makes sense.  That one I'll agree with, and she still is!

Last winter I reconnected with another friend when I was in NY.  We had spoken via face book over the summer.  She helped me through my mom's death and we just developed a great friendship.  She has married a great guy that we went to High School with after years of friendship. While we had lunch I got to talk to another friend that I knew from my brother's hockey days.  Her hubby pulled some strings while my dad was in the hospital and it was just so nice to realize that it's never too late to discover what amazing people you went to high school with.  I asked her how she saw herself in high school and she said "serious, way too serious"  She's certainly has lifted that label, she's so much fun to be around and she has an incredible view on life!

Here's a real twist, I've reconnected with another classmate that I don't remember ever meeting in School.  She said we were in a business class together, I never paid attention to anything around me (don't tell anyone but I still don't ;) )  I'm moving this summer and I'll be about 40 minutes or so from her.  We've had several lengthy conversations.  We both lost parents to cancer in the last year and we've bonded over that as well.  During the week she was at her father's house when he passed she came across some old pictures from graduation.  Keep in mind there were 1559 people there.  She sent me one and said "Is this you?"  I was like ummmm yup.  Where the hell did you get that?  She sent me the whole picture.  She was sitting right next to me!!!!  What were the odds?  Our friendship was CLEARLY meant to be.  How she described herself?  A Floater....I identify with that too!  I still do!

Last week I got to reconnect with another classmate here in Phoenix.  She was here on a business conference and reached out to me to get together.  I was so happy!  And a bit shocked, I confessed to her that I didn't think she liked me very much in high school.  Truth is we did hang out in Middle School and in High School she became a Cheerleader.  I am pretty sure I let my assumptions of cheerleaders taint my view of her.  She was and is such a sweetheart!  We had a great dinner and bonded over our children and our faith and I felt like I met a new friend instead of reconnecting with an old one.

So, with all of my reunion stories I've learned 1 main thing....everyone has their own stuff.  Not just in High School, but in life! By looking at all of these ladies in High School it was easy to think they had it all together.  That they had happy home lives and easy friendships and relationships.  It was easy to think I was the only one with insecurities and that my intentions and thoughts were obvious to those around me.  I just assumed that people knew my thoughts and feelings without my speaking them.  How many times have you done that?  How many relationships were fractured because of that?  I can't count.  Or by snap judgements of someone?  Oh they're geeks, stuck up, weird, mean, out of my league - the list goes on. To think of the many magical moments I've missed out on by not being open to them.  Not gonna happen again.  I will look at people from the inside out and never assume to know what I haven't been told.  I had such an easy childhood.  I assumed everyone else's was the same.  There was no yelling in my home, my parents were deeply in love with one another, my siblings teased me, but loved me and took care of me always.  I thought everyone had that.  Honestly?  In all my dealings with people I have NEVER found anyone who had that.  If only I knew then what I know now......but I didn't.  So, the best I can do is carry this information forward and allow it to touch my relationships now.  After all....it's just a day in the life.

Love is all you need......

My last few posts have been confused and sad and just awful.  I barely hit post yesterday and everything turned around.  I had a conversation with the man who has changed my life....with the wave of his hand.  A few weeks ago when I first started feeling that sadness and frustration I told him that I needed to go within and find the answer...that God was telling me to fix it myself.  He disagreed (not gonna lie, it's rare...we pretty much agree on everything---always).  He said he thought God was trying to tell me to rely on us...on our love...on him.  It hit my heart and I knew he was right, but I was afraid to listen to it.

I'm writing this to show what happens when you don't listen to that voice...when you fight it because of fear, or disbelief that things can change, or that the guidance you are receiving is really guidance and not just your imagination.  If I had listened to him and to my intuition after he said it I could have saved myself two weeks of torture.  Yesterday I gave in to that knowledge and it all went away.  I feel like myself again and all it took was a wave of his hand and my allowing it to change me.

My friend Jill and I had a conversation about this the other day and she said to me "I find when people aren't moving forward in their lives they are removed from mine"....genius!  That's the answer!  That's why at times I have always felt the need to go within and shut down.  When I took the wall down there were always new people in my life and the people who were causing me to stress or didn't fit in my life were removed.  Sometimes people come back, sometimes they don't.  But I always felt like it was me, something was wrong with me.  But if I believe in positive drawing positive then Jill's statement made perfect sense.

But, for the first time in my life there is one person who I can't shut down from and I truly don't want to.  By fighting that it made me miserable.  Turning TO him instead of FROM him brought me right back to my joyful place.  The joy that he has brought to my life since the moment he said hello.  It sounds hokey...it sounds cliche....it sounds like make believe....but it's not.  It's real.  He proves it to me EVERY day.  The problem comes when I doubt. He is my safe haven.  He is the answer to every prayer I've ever uttered...and I need to realize that it's like nothing else I've ever experienced and believe it.

It's difficult because I have a few people that are close to me that just refuse to take the next step....or they are but like a snail.  They are in my life to teach me patience.  Patience in the fact that everyone takes those steps in their own time at their own pace.  Even if it's clear as day to me what they are being guided to do....it may not be clear to them.  I'm sure my Prince Charming felt that way when he told me I needed to rely on him..

Here's what I've learned....just when you think you have it all figured out and you've evolved as much as you think you can....that's when you will go up to the next level. I guess I felt like I was the happiest I'd ever been so I had succeeded, I got to where I needed to be.  I did it!  But, it's never done.  Life will give you new challenges and new guidance and new people and experiences.  If we stop growing, we die.  The good news is I'm here to tell you that you can always be happier....you can always love more, you can have more fun....just don't be afraid to take that next step.  Don't be afraid to believe that all your dreams CAN come true and don't hold back from taking the necessary steps to make it happen!

I'm hot and I'm cold, I'm yes and I'm no......

This might be one of the entries that gets deleted at some point.  I don't like my ugliness in print, but I always strive to maybe help someone else who might be going through something similar and comes across this.  So be it.  I'm not all sunshine and roses, I have an ugly side too.

I'm sad lately.  Not like depressed sad, just heartbreaking sad.  My stomach has that pit in it and my heart feels broken.  I can't shake it.  I am really trying my best.  I'm trying everything that normally makes me feel better and it's not working.  I want to shut down away from everyone and everything, but no one seems to be letting me do that.  Maybe I'm not supposed to use that to fix things anymore, I don't know.  But I use it as self protection, because I don't like feeling this way.

I'ts 8 am and I've already had an argument with my 22 year old.  It's way too early in the morning to cry, it really is.  Especially when you went to sleep crying.  I'm sick of the tears, really, I'm sick of whining about these feelings I'm having.  THIS is why I shut down.  Because I don't like this side of me.  This side that isn't in check, that doesn't have the answers, that needs someone.  She's a hot mess.  I handle life pretty well on my own.  I have for as long as I can remember.  I used to be like my 22 year old and think I had all the answers.  I used to turn everything someone said around on them and make my point regardless.  Then I grew up.  I learned that my way isn't the only way and that everyone deserves to be heard and understood.  So I became a listener.  I became the person who everyone goes to because I don't judge.  I love that role.  I like helping others feel safe and understood.  My own opinions and feelings didn't need to be expressed because I learned that it really didn't matter what anyone else thought, they were my feelings and opinions and I stood by them. I learned not to argue about them or need to defend them.  It brought me a lot of peace.  But this past week I have had to argue and defend them 4 different times and I'm exhausted.  I don't like having to explain WHY I feel the way I feel.  What flipping difference does it make?  I'm not going to try to sway anyone to feel the same way.  They're my feelings and I don't expect anyone to get it.  But I've been pushed to explain myself this week and only 1 person really got it and got it quickly and we moved on without incident.  One person is now out of my life....for the 4th time.  I don't think I will be letting that door open again.  The other two, well they are two of the closest people in the world to me so it will work itself out, hopefully with minimal damage to the relationships.  But I'm left feeling like I just want to crawl up and cry for a week.

I've spent a great deal of my life swallowing my feelings.  I always felt like the other person was entitled and right and I was being difficult and was wrong.  I've been able to overcome A LOT of past crap but this particular thing I just can't overcome.  I STILL feel like that.  I always feel like I'm wrong.  I'm not sure how I went from that young girl who felt like her opinions and feelings were the ONLY one to this woman who thinks her feelings are wrong always.  I used to always be able to get my point across and have the other person understand, I just can't seem to do that anymore.  I feel selfish and petty and whiny when I express my needs.  I just never feel understood.  And If I do get my point across, at what cost?  I've been accused of being viscous, controlling, dumping whatever I'm upset about on the wrong person....I've worked SO HARD not to be or do any of those things and as soon as someone says those things to me I shut down.  Obviously I haven't learned anything if people still think that.   Obviously I'm not the evolved person I thought I was.

My son just came to me and said he was too exhausted to interrupt me so if I wanted to get my feelings out he would listen.  No thanks.  Not worth it.  I am really getting tired of seeking first to understand and then not being understood.  I'm tired of people uttering words and their actions not matching up.  I'm tired of feeling this anxiousness and nervousness and sadness that I've been carrying around the past 2 weeks.

 I've tried praying, meditating, listening to my inner guidance (great time to shut up guidance!) going out with a friend, taking a nap, making a to do list and sticking to it, spending time with my kids....everything that normally makes this feeling pass and none of it is working.  I've even tried putting up the wall that I normally put up to keep everything at bay while I heal my heart...I can't even do that.  So what's the answer?  How do I escape these awful feelings? I don't know.  I suppose with the extreme and utter joy and happiness I've had in the last 6 months it's only natural to experience the opposite side as well.  What goes up, must come down they say right?  Well at least I know this won't last forever.....it's just a day in the life.

The answer lies within.....

At this moment in time I'm not sure I should be putting my thoughts on paper.  Mostly because they sound a bit like 2 different people.  Maybe because I am once again shedding a layer of who I used to be to become who I am supposed to be.   Usually when I get like this that is what is happening. I am being forced to change things about myself in order to become a better version.  Hopefully it will be quick and painless ....too late for that.  I've been crying for days, maybe weeks.  But, in the end it always works out the way it should.

My youngest son graduated high school last week.  It was a fantastic few days.  My family flew in from NY, my dad from Florida---my son (I believe) had a great weekend.  My brother and sister (as always) had my back.  Made sure that I didn't have any stress on me.  It was just a reminder of how much I do enjoy my family.  With that being said, it also was a reminder of how much I've changed since I've left New York.  My priorities aren't the same.  I don't stress over the things I used to.  I actually rarely stress at all.  I realized that it's so much more enjoyable to be with my family when we are anywhere but New York.

I also realized how isolated I am out here.  When my kids were in school in New York I was class mom, PTA president, Religion teacher blah blah blah.  I couldn't go to the gas station without running into someone I knew.  Here?  I don't know anyone.  I have very few acquaintances and fewer friends.  This is by choice.  I have changed so much in the last 12 years.  I don't let EVERYONE into my life.  (You're probably thinking, she writes a damn blog what the hell is she talking about?)  I keep my deepest thoughts and feelings to myself.  I have very few people I share them with.  My love.....my kids.....my sister......and there were a few close friends that see the real me.  The friends thing?  Yea, I'm realizing that doesn't last.  I have begun to keep things to myself so much that the friendships I am cultivating aren't deep.  I have trusted a few people that have hurt me by either throwing what I've told them in my face to prove a point, or by showing me that I am not a priority in their lives. Most people don't find the time for me.  I hear "Oh I miss you!  I need to see you!" but making the actual time?  doesn't always happen.

I have A LOT going on in my life right now.  I am usually pretty strong and can handle it on my own.  Actually, I'm always able to handle it on my own.  Lately though my thoughts and feelings have been so conflicted I just need to sort them out with someone who can help me figure it all out.  I've realized that no one is really available to me as much as I am to them.  I drop everything when someone needs me...calls me....texts me...If it is at ALL possible I will rearrange my schedule to make time for someone I care about.  In fact, if I can't I feel badly and guilty about it.  I realize my life is more flexible than most peoples, but in today's day and age, with technology at your fingertips there really is no excuse not to be there when someone really needs you, except that they aren't important enough.

I am not a needy person.  I'm not that friend who calls or texts just to whine or bitch all the time.  But sometimes, I need someone to be there for me the way I am for them.  That's when I realized that I DO have that person.  She's typing this right now.  God is deliberately keeping those I rely on away from me at the moment so that I learn to rely on myself again.  The person to help me figure out my shit is me!  I shouldn't rely on anyone else to listen or sort things out, I need to listen to myself.  Every time I've gone through this it's because I've ignored my intuition and looked outside of myself for the answers.  So, situations force me to turn within again for those answers and validation.  I heard the voice a few weeks ago telling me to figure it out on my own, and I didn't listen.  Then I found myself frustrated because no one seemed to understand what I needed.  But what I needed was to go within and shut myself off and spend time alone and figure it out.  At that first feeling of loneliness I become like someone drowning and reaching for that life raft.  I'm grasping for someone to save me from that feeling.  What I need to do is welcome it.  Embrace the loneliness and sadness and let it cleanse my soul of whatever needs to be erased.  Instead I immerse myself in busyness.  I find things to keep me busy, but ultimately the loneliness and sadness overcome me and I have to stop.  I have to go within and figure out how to make it stop and what needs to change in my life.  I have to let go and let God and realize I DON'T have all the answers and the things I thought I had figured out aren't necessarily right.  I can't do that if I don't face it.

There's a reason why my deepest thoughts and feelings aren't shared with everyone anymore.  I think I'm finally learning that.  Not everyone deserves a seat at my table of life and that's okay.  Because ultimately.....it's just a day in the life.

Here, There and Everywhere

I've spent most of my life being disappointed in relationships.  All relationships, not just romantic ones, but mostly romantic ones.  As I've mentioned before I was always told I was expecting too much.  I wanted the movie/book/soap opera love story.  No man would ever be able to live up to what I wanted them to be.  I believed them.  I lowered my expectations, but my heart and soul still ached.  I wanted to be understood.  I wanted someone who would be like me!  I gave all I had to all relationships in my life, and I didn't expect it back.  However, when I started to feel taken advantage of, taken for granted and just well mistreated I would move on from those relationships after giving everything that I could have and I never looked back.  Some people (friendship/family relationships) came back at a later date.  Even a few romantic relationships from the past have resurfaced as friendships.  I don't ever initiate those reconciliations, but I do forgive people and believe that everyone deserves a second chance, sometimes a third.  But I've never been completely fulfilled in a relationship in my life, there was always this whole inside of me....I assumed it was my high expectations.

A few years ago I learned about the Law of Attraction and manifesting and how you can bring certain things to your life just by believing they are already there and by becoming the type of person that would attract these things.  I made lists, stating what I wanted in a partner.  Some would read the list and think, wow, she's nuts.  There is no human being on earth that fits all those things.  That's not REAL.  But it's what I wanted.  What I NEEDED.  What my soul craved.  Today, I found two different notebooks with two different lists in them.  One was from 2014 and one I was 6 months later in 2015.  I fell in love in 2015.  I mean real, honest to goodness movie/book/fairy tale love.  Love like I have never experienced before.  It shook my core.  I tried to fight it.  I was scared to death.  It was too good to be true.  It was as easy as.....breathing!  This man was everything I had ever hoped for and more.  Things I never even knew I needed....he provides.  Bliss.  Sheer and utter bliss.  Every single day.  How did this happen?  How am I so lucky?  He insists it doesn't matter why or how....it just IS.

We are like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together so perfectly, so easily....it's like nothing I've ever experienced before with anyone in my life.  I can be totally and completely myself and he adores me anyway...or maybe because of it.  Today I was weepy and wishy washy.  I tried my best to hide it.  There's a lot going on right now and the last thing he needed was to deal with that!  He knew...he asked....I told...he listened.  I mean REALLY listened (as always) and he just knew exactly what I needed to make me feel better.  He always does.  This man loves me in a way that I've waited for my whole life.  He makes me feel treasured, and adored and important and loved every minute of the day.  Even when my mind pushes that aside and tries to convince me that he couldn't possibly feel the way about me that I feel about him, he quiets my fears and doubts without judgment.  He does it with love and compassion, every SINGLE time, no matter how exhausted he is or how stupid my fears are, he reassures me.  He never gets tired of it.  He just knows.  I am truly, by far, the luckiest woman alive.  Everyone sees the difference in me.  My kids have a mom who is happy all the time, they know why.  My friends see it, they are thrilled for me.

I wake up every morning with an excitement that I never thought was possible.  I get to spend my life loving this man.  This man who defies all odds and is everything I've ever wanted.  He is kind, and gentle yet tough and strong.  He is loving and sweet, yet masculine and rugged.  He's BRILLIANT yet never ever makes me feel less than or ignorant for asking questions or doing things the hard way, when he could definitely give me an easier way to do it.  He seems to think it's cute that I have these quirks.  I never have to remind him of things I've told him before, he remembers, because if it's important to me then it's important to him.  He never plays the blame game, he never compares things that I do versus things that he does.  It is the most freeing feeling in the world to find a soul that you connect with on EVERY level....it is my mission in life to make this man feel loved and adored and appreciated and treasured every day of his life, because he deserves nothing less.  He is the answer to my prayers, my prince charming, my heart.....and my home.  Wherever he is....that will always be home to me.

Mother's Day.....not just a day in the life

Mother's day.....as a child I remember it was a day that my dad bought my mom flowers to plant.  Mums, azaleas, tulips....those kind of plants.  Then they spent the day planting them.  Uneventful in my memory.  Then one year my dad surprised my mom with a new car.  That one went down in the record books.  He pulled into the driveway with a HUGE red bow on top of it.  My mom was so excited she wasn't even angry that she had to come outside in her robe and curlers.  No one EVER saw my mom that way.  One year my brother and sister and I had portraits taken to surprise her for mother's day.  You see a pattern here?  I never really took initiative in mother's day celebrations for my mom.  My dad and sister did it most of the time and I went along for the ride.  My parents moved when I was 20 so I didn't spend mother's day with my mom a lot over the years so it really didn't matter much to me, to be honest.  And then I became a mom.

My first mother's day went down in the history books as a horrific day.  I was in tears, it was spent doing something I despised doing and I was still postpartum and completely sleep deprived. All I EVER wanted to do for mother's day was to get deli egg sandwiches and go to the beach.  Every year it either rained or we had other commitments. I usually felt disappointed on days like Mother's day or my birthday.  I always felt let down, like I was supposed to feel something I never did.  I'm not about material things so it wasn't about presents.  I don't know.  I was always told that I expected too much from people.  I have been told that the world revolves around me and the sun rises and sets on me--I'm assuming they meant in my mind.  Couldn't be further from the truth.  And I have realized that I don't expect too much because now....at this time in my life....I am receiving more from the people I love than I could ever imagine.  And I have't lowered my expectations at all.

I was going to write this blog about the fact that I miss my mom and I feel weird not buying any mom or grandma cards again this year.  But after this morning my focus changed from lack to abundance.  I am so lucky and I am so happy and fulfilled today I can't write about the sadness.  Instead, I'm taking the good things from my relationship with my mother and duplicating it with my daughter.  I'm sharing things with her that my mom and I enjoyed.  It's better than last mother's day when I was so sad I couldn't function.

First of all the man in my life brings me more joy and appreciation and love than I could have ever hoped for.  I wish with all my heart that we had found...well connected in this way many many years ago, but this was the way it was intended apparently.  I'm so grateful that he gives me every thing I've ever wanted, loves me completely and totally for who I am and not who he wishes I was.  I am (for the first time in my life) completely and totally able to be myself and I never have to worry about any repercussions of that.  Every day of my life feels like a holiday, complete with the anticipation of what comes next and the excitement of what each day will hold.  How lucky am I????  His presence alone in my life makes today and every day beyond perfect.  I feel adored and treasured every single day and that is something I never thought I'd feel.

As if that isn't enough I have 3 incredible kids!  More and more I have people telling me how lucky I am to have this bond with my children.  I know it.  I woke up this morning to a card from my oldest with money and the threat of punishment if I did any "mom things" today.  He said he was taking care of dinner.  That is something I've ALWAYS wanted on mother's day.  Someone to let me know that I didn't have to DO anything I didn't want to.

I missed my youngest son before work today, but I found a note from him next to my head when I woke up. He, out of all my kids, tells me more than anyone every day how much I mean to him.  He makes sure we have time together one on one all the time.  He's always celebrating mother's day.  I got a text and I already told you about his amazing gift to me.....so thoughtful.

And my daughter...oh my daughter!  She arranged the best gift I've ever received in my life!  She and her brothers wrote 51 things they love about me.  I spent a delicious amount of time savoring each one and relishing their individual personalities in their notes.  The fact that they appreciate me without anyone teaching them how to blows me away!  They remember things that I don't and it makes me so happy that they do.  I wish I could share every one here....but I will respect their privacy.  I've attached pictures of a few. She was SO excited because she made me cry on Mother's day.  Apparently my kids are a bit competitive when it comes to who can melt my heart. She's so used to her brother's doing it, it's her turn now.  I will treasure this gift for the rest of my life.  My daughter also made me a few paintings that were just BEYOND perfect....her thoughtfulness shows me that I'm doing a good job raising the type of woman I want her to be!

I feel treasured by my kids today.  I'm not going to lie, I'm blown away by how special they made me feel.  I know they appreciate me.  They are always telling me that.  But today?  Their thoughtfulness is beyond my wildest dreams.  I feel so happy and at peace it's beyond incredible.  Maybe I AM doing ok with this motherhood thing.  Perhaps this next phase of my life will be filled with every holiday being like this.  I'm so excited and so blessed I'm overflowing with hope and happiness and just pure love.  It's more than just a day in the life......

From Barbie dolls to Make Up.....my beautiful baby girl

My daughter.  Oh my daughter.  How I love that little girl.  She's 12 now.  So grown up, so put together, so what I wish I had been at 12 years old.  I do something I rarely do as a mom....I take credit for that!  I treated her the way I wish I had been treated.  Things I longed for as a child I gave her.  I gave her the wisdom of my years and I'm lucky that she listened!  She still trusts my judgment, for now.  She still thinks I'm a pro at relationship advice (because I've had so many bad ones and am now in one that she considers "#relationshipgoals, she cracks me up!)  Every single day I look at her with an adoration that I don't think she's aware of.  I look up to her in so many ways and every day she amazes me more and more!

Being the youngest and having 2 older brothers who were home schooled, I'm afraid she didn't get the attention I feel she should have had when she was younger.  Well, she got plenty of attention, I just don't feel she got enough from me.  She is the only one of my children that I wish I could have a do over with.  Why, you may ask, since I've just stated that she's pretty much perfect in every way?  Because she was that way from birth.  Never trouble, never cranky or whiny unless she was sick obviously.  She was so much FUN!  And I want to do it again, and relish every single moment as if she was my first and only child.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But she's my only daughter.  I spent years with trucks and power rangers and army guys and more power rangers and wrestlers.  I want to spend more time with painting and Barbie dolls and dress up and princesses. I didn't get enough of that.

This morning as I was dropping her off at school she made this quick witted joke that most people would have missed.  I didn't.  I can't explain it and make it as funny as she did, but I lost it!  I was laughing so hard I could barely see.  When did she get so funny?  When did she become so creative and quick and smart?  My youngest son gave me the most AMAZING mother's day gift the other night (he's just like me---can't wait and hates surprises) and I was blown away.  I told him that his sister had a gift for me in her room and I was shocked.  He said she had this great idea that she squashed and came up with another one.  But the idea she squashed was so amazing to me and I was stunned that she thought of it all on her own.  She wanted her brother to write 22 things he loved about me (he's 22) her other brother to write 17 things he loved about me (he's 17, see the pattern) and she was going to write 12 things....and together they added up to 51 which is how old I am!  Wow.....

Yesterday I was packing up the last of her childhood toys.  We sold all the barbies and make believe stuff back at Christmas time.  She was ready to ditch it all.  I wasn't.  I held onto the things that meant the most to me, due to the memories of her playing with them.  And the memories of me stepping on them while walking through the house.  As I packed them away for my future granddaughters I felt this overwhelming sadness that I normally don't feel as my kids grow out of phases.  I think because with my baby girl it happened so fast.  One day she was playing with her American girl dolls and literally the next day it was over and she was doing DIY's on Pinterest and YouTube.  She went from wearing her contacts one or two days a week to wearing makeup daily.  She gets up early now to do her hair in different styles.  I love this new stage, because she's SO good at it all and it means I'm off the hook of attempting to follow a teenager on you tube show me how to do a funky braid!  But I also miss being the one to take care of her.  It's so early!  My boys still wanted me to take care of them in so many ways until they were adult age.  Why is my daughter so self sufficient?  Aside from the fact that girls are different in that way, I think (again, out of my comfort zone) it's because she has me as a role model.  She's watched me do everything for everyone since she was born.  She's a strong young lady.  No whimpering, no whining, no I can't for her...no way in hell!  She's going to take the world by storm and she'll do it with a smile on her face! I love her with a fierceness that I can't describe.  People constantly say she's a mini me.  My love calls her Tiny T.  This means the world to me.  She is my legacy.  She will carry on my traditions when I can't anymore.  She is my little girl and I am eternally grateful that I am her mommy.

Every beginning is another beginning's end.....

It's been a rough week yet an amazing week.  This post will most likely be filled with a lot of contradictions.  I'm just warning you.  My feelings have been contradicting themselves all week.  I've been crying from joy and from sorrow.  I've been on top of the world one minute and feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest the next.  My life is just in that kinda place right now.  So many changes.  All good things.  But every new beginning means there's an ending to something somewhere.

Yesterday my youngest son played his last baseball game as a High School student.  He is one of two seniors on the team.  The other player isn't playing college ball, so technically that might have been his last game.  He was crying on the bus.  That broke my heart! My son realizes that could have been him had he not worked so hard to realize his dream.  It was still the end of an era for him.  I don't think he knew what to feel, honestly.  Plus, Senior Prom is today so he doesn't have time to dwell on it.  Neither did I .  I was sitting listening to music last night and Pandora was pulling out my heart.  The songs were all reminding me of the fact that my baby boy was leaving me.  I was sitting and the tears were streaming down my face, silently.  I just couldn't make myself stop.  He came home from his game and I held onto him so tightly.  It's starting to hit me.  Mostly because it's hitting him so hard he's making me stop and face it.

This morning I was folding laundry and his baseball jersey, slider shorts, socks and pants came out of the dryer.  I lost my mind.  I just began to have this overwhelming feeling of sadness as I folded his pants.  I realized....this is most likely the last time I will do that.  Next year someone else will be doing that for him.  I was reminded of the nights I was up until 1 am waiting for the washing machine to stop so that I could throw his "lucky pants" in the dryer to leave the house at 5 am for a game after getting home at 11 pm from a double header.  I was reminded of driving to the field and watching the sunrise and spending the day going from blankets and jackets to tank tops and shorts and then back to the blankets and jackets as the games ranged from early morning to evening.  I knew I would miss those days, but it never occurred to me that I'd be washing his uniform for the last time.  Wow.

I am a positive person.  I focus on the good in every situation.  I don't allow myself to dwell on the negative.  My life is changing drastically in the next 3-4 months.  I've been excited about the changes, thinking about all the good things to come and the new experiences that are coming.  I haven't allowed myself to think about the endings that need to come before the new beginnings.  Saying goodbye to the handful of good friends I've made here--realizing my coffee and lunch and movie and late night dinner dates will be ending.  I got a haircut yesterday and realized that I'm going to have to say goodbye to her and her amazing talent....wow I need to find someone I trust with my hair.  I texted my mechanic to ask him to check my boys cars before we move---he responded with a sad face and said "you can't move!"....wow I need to find someone I trust as much as him with our cars.  I had lunch with my friend Jen this week....no more 6 hour lunches where we laugh until we cry and solve the world's problems while eating salads.  No more of her taking one look at me and knowing EXACTLY what the hell I'm thinking. I'm having coffee with my friend Val this week....no more of her positive energy and our discussions about everything under the sun. The sadness overtook me.  I'm going to miss all of this.

Then last night I had a phone conversation with my friend Laura who lives about 30 minutes from where I'm moving....positive stuff.  Lunch dates will still happen, they will be different but still awesome.  Then my oldest son came and hung out in my room with me while I was winding down and trying to go to sleep.  We discussed all the good things that we have coming.  How many exciting new beginnings are on their way.  It reminded me that not too long ago I was sobbing about him leaving me.....yet here we are, closer than ever.  It's a different relationship, he's an adult now at 22, but in some ways (a lot of ways) it's better than the mom/child relationship.  We discuss things on a whole other level and we laugh at the same twisted jokes.

So, as I mourn the last _______ fill in the blank that I'm experiencing now, I look forward to the first _______ fill in the blank that's coming.  It's all part of the plan, all part of progress....and it's all a day in the life.....

The girl who stole my son's heart...

Since my boys were little people have teased me about what it would be like for me when they grew up and fell in love and eventually got married.  Everyone said they felt sorry for the girls my sons chose, like I would be a monster in law.  You know, those mothers they make movies about--the ones who hold onto their sons so tightly and cause problems with them and the women in their lives.  I knew I would never do that, but I kept my mouth shut.  Let them think what they want, I thought, I knew better.  I was wholly accepted by the mothers of the boys I dated in high school.  They always made me feel like part of the family, told me how happy they were that I was dating their son.  I wanted to be THAT mother.  The one who was happy that their son had a girl that really cared about them and was loyal and liked being around the family.  I was determined not to be controlling and jealous and all those ugly traits.  I usually accomplish what I set out to do in life.

Today, I spent some time with my youngest son's girlfriend.  I took her to do some prom preparation and we sat and talked for a really long time.  We've been spending more time together lately and I have truly realized how blessed my son is.   Everyone knows how much I adore my son, so I'm not saying he's not a good catch.  But this young woman is truly incredible.  I was an 18 year old girl once and I can assure you I was not nearly as selfless or grounded as she is.  

I have prayed over the years for the future spouses of my children.  I asked for them to love my children unconditionally.  I asked for them to love the rest of my family and for them all to get along.  I have seen first hand how spouses can come between siblings and make for huge family rifts.  I swore that would not happen in my family.  I have told my children this.  They know I wouldn't stand for any of that, so they should choose wisely.  

I know that my son and his girlfriend are young, but so many people reunite in their later years with their high school loves.  I think it's because most teenagers don't have the maturity to give a relationship what it needs to succeed, but when time and growth occurs their hearts find their way back to each other.  Wouldn't it be amazing if my son and his girlfriend didn't have to wait?  If they could get it right the first time?  It would save so much heartache.  My nephew and his wife have been together since they were 13 and just got married last year.  They are blissfully happy.  It's not impossible.

During our talk today we discussed life paths and how God always makes sure you are where you are supposed to be.  I love that she thinks like that---it's my only way of thinking.  With that being said, if they are meant to be together they will be, I know that.  But as I sat and chatted with her, this precious girl who stole my son's heart, I couldn't help but believe she was an answer to this mother's prayer.  To see how she understands my son, loves him completely and totally----how excited she is about their future.  She is willing to go to the ends of the earth with him, for him.  And not in a teenage crush stars in the eyes kinda way.  It's more than that.  She weathered a really difficult time in my family last year and she stayed right by his side and helped him through it. His devotion to me and to his siblings?  She gets it.  She embraces it.  She understands it.  She knows that I am really important to him, she understands that we have a bond that is stronger than most.  She is ok with it.  She even says how happy she is that I'm his mom.  Most girls could not deal with it.  I don't think I could!  I make it a point to let her know that I am fair and I definitely help him understand her point of view and show him when he's not being fair to her.  He listens.  My opinion is still extremely important to him right now. My son is a very complex young man.  He is not easy to understand (even though he is an amazing communicator) or deal with.  He's intense....all the time....(gulp...I may or may not have been that way at some point ;) )makes it REALLY hard some days to put up with.  Lord knows I struggle at times with him, and I'm his mom-I love him unconditionally.  But his girlfriend?  She makes it her mission to be there for him and understand him.  Most teenage girls are all about them...not this one.  She knows what's important, she sees the big picture, the finish line.  She follows her heart.  She's definitely the answer to this mother's prayers.  

Last year I wrote a letter in my blog to my son's future wife.  I can't predict the future, and only God knows for sure but I can't imagine anyone better for my son.  xoxoxo

Like only a mother can do.....

I spent a good portion of today cleaning my parents condo and cooking for my dad when I'm gone.  It struck me how my daughter and I were so careful to put things back the way they were, the way my mom would have wanted them.  It's been nearly two years since my mom herself placed things where they are.  My dad has a cleaning lady come now most of the time.  When my sister or my niece or I visit we usually clean so that he doesn't have to call the cleaning person.  It's obvious to me that they also try to put things back where my mom had them.  The linen closet doesn't have her touch any more....it's been replaced with the way we all fold things....none of us being able to duplicate her way of doing it.  Her touch.  I remember my sister saying last year how she was kinda annoyed that the cleaning lady redid the guest towels (which no one uses) because my mom had made a little flower out of the wash cloth and now that was gone.  I totally agree with her.  Seems silly to most I'm sure but those were the little touches my mom's house had that no one else's ever did.  They were important to her.  And they were obviously important to us.  I told my daughter how proud YaYa would be in the way she cleaned the bedroom.  As I vacuumed the purple carpet I remembered when she was bedridden and asked me to vacuum that same carpet.  I was almost irritated because I couldn't believe that she was so weak and she was worried and bothered by the fuzz on that carpet.  It was something that always bothered me as a child, that I felt my mom put more emphasis on vacuuming then she did on spending time with us.  Today, I took comfort in it.  Watching the sweeper make the tell tale lines in the carpet.  I felt close to her.  It made me wonder what my kids would try to keep alive when my physical presence is gone.  I know for damn sure it won't be how I cleaned.  Although I like my house clean it is totally not a priority in my life.  I do it because I have to and my kids know that.

My daughter, who is 12 and completely capable of making her own breakfast, asked me to make her waffles this morning.  She takes such delight every morning when I make them.  As if a gourmet meal is placed before her.  She exclaims, nearly daily, "no one makes waffles like you do mommy.  You always put the perfect amount of butter on them and they are always just right crispy."  I get it.  I'd give anything to have my mom make me a sandwich.  No one ever makes them like she did.  I know there will be those memories that my kids will miss.  But what will they try to keep alive?  I have no idea.

It makes me want to try harder.  It makes me want to have things that only I can do in a way that only I can do them.  Don't get me wrong, I know there are things that my kids will always remember me doing.  I'm a good mom, this I know.  It's probably the only thing in my life that I know I'm good at and I feel comfortable saying that I'm good at.  But what makes me stand out in their minds?  What will make them say, "Remember how mommy did that?"  Or don't touch that, mommy put it there.  Or maybe they won't do that.  Maybe their memories will be enough.  Who knows.

My youngest son wrote his senior paper this past week.  He said that mottos were never important in his life.  The only one that he cared about growing up was one I instilled in him.....Family first.  That was instilled in me by my dad.  I know that there will be things that the 3 of them will carry on because of me, just like I carry on things from my mom.  I just hope and pray that they will always know how very much I loved them and that everything I did, I did for them.

Let the change begin with choice

Why do relationships die?  Why do people lose the shiny newness that makes the beginning of a relationship so damn spectacular?  I've been asking myself that my whole life.  The beginning of a relationship (any relationship, not just romantic, but the later is more so) is always so much fun.  The feeling of butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation of seeing or talking to a specific person.  The smile that is plastered on your face all the time and it can only be explained by referring to that special someone.  So many people resign themselves to the fact that it's just the newness of a relationship that gives you that rush.  That once two people get to know each other and get comfortable with each other that is just destined to fade away.  Why?  Why do people just accept that?  What if it just doesn't have to be that way?  I've spent my entire existence being told that I'm a dreamer.  A romantic.  An idiot.  All because I was looking for that spark every day and not just at the beginning of a relationship.  I was told I watched too many movies, soap operas, read too many books.  And I believed it, because obviously the newness always wore off in all of my relationships (friendships too) so clearly....OBVIOUSLY....'they' must be right....Right?   WRONG!  Let me explain.


When I started pondering this issue I began to think that everyone who isn't feeling this spark or joy or happiness is in the wrong relationship.  They settled.  They chose the wrong person.  But then I started thinking-that's impossible.  Then I began to look at other relationships in life.  Friendships, family bonds, co workers.....and I started learning about the ego and the spiritual side and how people make choices in life.  I realized that the ego destroys most relationships, pride and past mistakes come into play and bam---spark extinguished.  "Well, I'm not doing that for them because last week they blah blah blah blah blah." "Oh no WAY am I letting them know how much they mean to me-they will use it against me! (BTW if that's true, then maybe you ARE in the wrong relationship, just sayin') BAM Relationship happiness doomed.  How can it be fixed?  How can we stop this wrong?  If you're in the wrong relationship, you can't.  There are people that are meant to come and go in your life and that's just life.  They teach you lessons, you teach them, and their portion of your life is over.  But, if you are in a long haul, forever and ever, infinity and beyond kind of relationship it's really very simple.  You have to choose each other first.  Always.  Every day.  Every minute.  It has to be a conscious choice---I choose you!  How do you do that?  It's simple really.  You put their happiness and the happiness of the relationship over any petty scenario that is in your head.  Now, I'm not saying to allow yourself to be a doormat (I've done that too!) but I'm asking you to ask yourself what's really important in your life.  Is control, or being right really worth losing that happiness that started the relationship in the first place?  I'm pretty sure if you're being honest the answer is no.

What sparked my thoughts on this was a conversation with my sons yesterday.  My younger son and I have spoken and texted all day every day since I've been away the last 10 days.  My older son and I have only spoken briefly and texted a handful of times. I don't compare them, they are 2 completely different people.  I spoke to my oldest last night and he was a bit stressed that I would be "pissed" at him because he hadn't called me or responded to a few texts I sent him with updates on his poppa.  I reassured him and said that if I had been upset with him I would have picked up the phone or texted him and said we need to talk about this.  I wouldn't just sulk and then blast him when I got home.  Communication works two ways and I know how he is and I accept it.  He was so relieved it was audible.  I don't expect him to behave in a way that is foreign to him and I don't expect him to shoulder the responsibility of this relationship.  That's what got me thinking.....this is what is wrong in relationships.  Expectations and not taking responsibility for what you want out of them.  In the past we have had a nasty exchange or two where one or both of us have said things we regretted and that caused a huge rift in our relationship.  The difference now?  We both choose to allow each other the freedom to be who we are.  We communicate when things start taking a bad turn and we right the wrong before it gets to that place it went to in the past. Every night, when we are in the same place, we make sure we hug, say goodnight and I love you, even if those are the only words we've spoken to each other all day. We have repaired our once sparkly relationship after a period of doom.  Why can't we do that with every relationship?  You have to choose!  You have to allow your love for the other person and the relationship to dominate your motives.

Sibling relationships and friendships are also not immune to the dulling of the relationship sparkle, the ebb and flow of life. It does seem that those relationships have an easier time of getting the initial sparkle back then romantic ones.  I'm not sure why.  Do we hold them to a lower standard than our life partners?  Maybe.  Or do we expect them to have the bright, shiny newness for longer because we don't spend as much time together?  Who knows.  But it's sad to me.  It's sad to see a once happy couple lose the spark in their eyes.  To hear and witness them resign themselves to this bleak future of just existing.  It doesn't have to be that way.  I am determined not to allow it to happen in mine.  I will say I'm very blessed to have found a partner who communicates better than anyone I've ever met.  He never makes me feel less than or judged.  To have a person like that in your life in any capacity is a blessing, but to have him as my other half?  Beyond my wildest dreams.  I will never take that for granted.  I thank God every night for the gift of his love in my life and I'm pretty sure he does the same. It's imperative in life to be grateful for your partners presence.  And not "yea, well I'm glad he is a good father but he leaves a mess in the kitchen every day!" or "She is a great cook but she spends too much money!"  No!  No buts.  No if only. Remember every but you add is something that someone, somewhere would love to have. Appreciate your partner for their good qualities.  Focus on those.  The reasons you fell in love with them.  Make a list if you have to.  Hang it on your mirror and look at it every day.  Add to it.  I can almost guarantee it will grow.  As you look for the good and you appreciate it something magical will happen.  Your partner will feel appreciated and loved.  And when we feel appreciated and loved, don't we want to do more of the things that are being loved and appreciated?  YES!  Don't we all want to be a priority in someone's life?  Don't we all want to be understood?  Well....it has to start with someone!  And we can't expect change to come overnight.  We all love the saying "be the change you want to see in the world"  or "I'm starting with the (wo)man in the mirror"  but why do we avoid doing that with the love of our lives?  Fear? Ego?  Pride?  Control?  Bullshit.  I can tell you that nothing...nothing feels better than that shiny new beginning of a relationship feeling every day!  And there is no way I'm letting that fade.

A Mother's Touch

I've been in Florida this past week taking care of my dad.  This is the first time I've been here since my mom passed that I've allowed myself to truly feel her absence.  Or maybe it's feeling her presence.  Not sure.  Tears came when I stepped in the front door last week.  My heart began to ache and I heard her voice in my head, so excited that we were here---like in the past.  I recovered and focused on what needed to be done.  Between doctors and scoping the area that we will be moving to this summer the past week went by quickly.  Today, however, took it's toll.

My dad wasn't feeling well enough to go to the Oncologist today so I decided to go alone to hopefully get the answers we needed.  I spent the drive there on the phone with the love of my life, that always makes me happy no matter what is going on around me. When I stepped foot inside the office the tears began to creep up.  Wow.  I was flooded with memories of my son's battle and now my mom's came as well.  I saw her sitting in the wheel chair the last time I took her for chemo.  I saw her face in every patient there.  I sat in the waiting area and my heart just broke for every person there.  I knew their pain.  I felt their struggle.  It was too raw for me.  Will it ever fade?  No.  I don't think so.

I spoke to the oncologist.  I've become quite adept at dealing with the percentages and risks and time frames and writing as quickly as the doctor speaks.  All business and no emotion.  Got it.  Done.  Paid the copay and out I went.  Another phone call to my rock, my guy, the love of my life.  Keeps me grounded, keeps me sane, brings me joy.  Then I hung up.  I heard my mother's voice.  She called me Tina Bellina -  wow, I haven't heard that in too long.  The tears began to flow.  I truly could not stop them.  I had to pull over, they were that bad.  I allowed them to cleanse my pain.  I allowed them to take it all away.  I don't always allow myself that, there's no time usually.  I turned the air conditioning off in the car because I had a chill through my body.  I just sobbed for a good 15 minutes.  I miss my mom so much.  I apologized to her for the seemingly cold exterior I've had the last year.  It's my armor.  It's my protection.  She assured me that it didn't show when I was taking care of last year, I was grateful for that. I found it easier to remember the negative things about my mom at that time rather than allow myself to remember all the good things. The excitement she'd get when she was eating something delicious.  Her exclamation of "oh I LOVE it!" when talking about something that gave her joy.  Her voice telling me how gorgeous my daughter is when seeing her picture from school.  Since January, when I realized that my mom was taking care of me from heaven in a way that I will be eternally grateful for, I've allowed myself to hear her.  I've allowed myself to miss her and to remember all the good things.  I've allowed myself to grieve.  I feel my mother with me all the time.  I hear her talking to me whenever I allow myself to.  My heart breaks for those who don't hear or feel their departed loved ones.  I couldn't imagine not having that.

Grief is so challenging.  It comes in ways I never imagined.  I'm grieving the days when my parents were both healthy and I didn't have to think about any of the things my siblings and I have been faced with in the last two years.  I am grieving the time when I didn't have to think about my own mortality and the fact that we are all growing older and we won't always be healthy and carefree. But, I don't allow myself to set up camp there.  No.  There is too much to look forward to.  Life is too good, even with all of this negative stuff trying to take over.  So, after the tears subsided and I went about the to do list that I needed to accomplish, I began to count my blessings.  I allowed myself to feel the joy that has been bubbling up inside of me since I came alive again last December.  And when the guilt threatened to rob my joy I sent it packing.  Guilt for feeling happy when there is so much to be sad about.  Guilt for having this amazing future ahead of me while all of those patients were sitting in an oncologists office.  Nope.  I won't have it.  Because God has blessed me and I will always be grateful for all of His gifts.  And even though trials still come my way I know that my mother will be by my side to help us all through them.  A mother's touch can heal the world and my mother's touch has always been magical....and it's all a day in the life.

Right back where we started from.....

It's been a little over a year since my mom passed away.  It's been a really difficult year to say the least.  My dad has suffered tremendously emotionally and it's difficult to watch. He's a shell of who he was.  Then he began having medical issues.  Last July my daughter and I flew there to take care of him during his eye surgery, my sister met us there and we finished cleaning out my mom's things.  As soon as my sister left and my dad was alone he began getting sick.  We didn't realize the extent of the illness until December.  My brother and sister in law and niece were with him in October then he came to me in November.  He was totally not himself.  We chalked it up to broken heart syndrome, but then in December we had a huge scare. My dad was admitted to the hospital with septic shock and apparently suffered a heart attack.  Luckily it was in NY and we were all together.  He went home to Florida finally in February and began having different medical issues.  He was admitted to the Hospital in Florida again in March and we found out he had/has colon cancer.  The c word AGAIN.  I almost can't breathe while typing this because it just keeps flooding back.  My brother went down, my niece went down, my sister went down and now I'm getting there on Tuesday.  He has to have eye surgery again and a slew of doctor's appointments to follow up with.  My sister did a bunch this week and there are still a lot next week. It's like deja vu.....the thought of stepping into the oncologist's office next week literally leaves me in a state of panic.  I feel physically sick and scared and just panicked. When I went through cancer with my son I was too busy being in the proactive, protecting, sheltering mode.  With my mom I felt experienced, I knew what to ask, I understood the situation.  My dad has already said he will refuse treatment.  How do I deal with that?  I can't blame him after watching my mom suffer the way she did.  We are all very grateful that my parents were so healthy for most of their lives.  My daddy will be 86 in June, God bless him.  At this point in time the best we can do for him is love him and care for him and respect his wishes and enjoy every moment we can with him.  The funny thing is my kids and I will be moving to Florida this summer, something my parents always wanted.  Better late than never, I suppose.   

It just all feels too familiar.  Too real.  Too soon!  We have not even been able to catch our breath and here we are again.  I know tomorrow isn't guaranteed, I get it.  I do practice what I preach, but c'mon. There is so much change going on sometimes it's hard to keep up.  It's times like this that I have no patience for people's belly aching...(that's what my mom used to call it when people whined and complained).  I get it, life can be tough, shit happens, but for the love of God there are people with REAL stuff going on.  Even with everything I've described I know there are people suffering way more than what's going on in my world.  That's why I always count the blessings and they always far outweigh the sorrows.  I'm blessed in SO many ways.  And when I start to get that overwhelming feeling of sadness or loss I remind myself of that.  

I had a conversation with my youngest son last week about being happy in the moment.  I think I'm getting through to him.  I wasted so many moments thinking about the next, if I can help anyone change that way of thinking I want to.  Every day for the last almost 5 months I have had a heart full of happiness and joy and love.  Even with all the awful things I just described to you I am happy every day.  Sometimes, I almost feel guilty being THIS happy with all the crap that's going on around me. But then I realize I've waited 51 years to be this happy and I am not going to waste a single second of it.  I'm going to live every moment of this crazy life to the fullest and find the blessings and joy in every day.   The man responsible for this joy in my life told me one day during all of this that "it's just a bad day, not a bad life".....so true.    The difference between this year and last year is him.  Having someone by your side who loves you unconditionally and supports you not matter what is the greatest gift I've ever received.  And with him by my side I will face this next chapter in life and continue to find the blessings in every moment.  Because when all is said and done.....it's just a day in the life.......

Holiday Road

Happy Easter!  It seems so strange to me that today is Easter.  Holidays are not what they used to be for me and I'm okay with that.  I threw the kids Easter baskets together last night and this morning and they were happy with them, as always.  I'm not sure if the difference is because they are older now, the magic is gone...the anticipation is non existent. Or, is the difference in me?  Or maybe a combination of both.  Since we moved away from family 11 years ago and even before if I'm being honest holidays were smaller.  I wanted to make traditions for my kids that didn't include running around like a chicken with my head cut off resulting in a stressed out cranky mommy.  When my older 2 were little I'm afraid they got a lot of that.  Trying to find the perfect clothes for the holiday, stressing because the matching shirts didn't come in the right sizes, no they wore that color last year in the picture with Santa or the Bunny--oy vey!  Then trying to cram my traditions into a very small window so that we could rush out to some relatives house to follow their tradition.  Not fun.  The kids would enjoy it....sometimes.....depending on the moods and the energy of whoever's home we were at.  Truthfully the only holiday I ever truly loved was Thanksgiving because I had it at my house every year.  Yes, it was a lot of prep and work, but I always knew what to expect. Once we moved from New York to Arizona I still dressed the kids up for a year or so, but then I realized it wasn't worth the trouble and they weren't comfortable the whole day.  That began my transformation into holiday chill.  Ahhhhh....guess what?  The world kept spinning and my kids were so much happier!  Then I began to stress less about the food.   Guess what?  same thing.  Until finally I let go of all the appearance stuff and went with what made us feel good.  No more waking them up and rushing them on a time schedule.  What's the point?  Where's the joy in that?   This is the first year that I let the younger 2 open their baskets without the oldest.  He's going to sleep half the day away and my younger son had to go to work.   The egg hunt will take place when he gets home from work.  Dinner?  Frozen lasagna---yes that's right, don't judge me ;)  We only have a small window and then we're heading to the movies to see something we've all been waiting to see and we are all together!  Isn't that what's it's about in the end?  Us being together?  Next year, my son has informed me he won't be home at Easter because his team will be playing Easter weekend (he'll be away at college).  There was a time that would have sent sheer panic through my veins.  I looked at him and said, "So?  We'll come to you!"  Who cares where we are?  Sometimes I do worry that my daughter will not have a sense of what a holiday "should" be.  But I know deep in my heart she will have the BEST memories of them, because we are all happy!  There is no stress, no anger, no resentment about doing something you don't want to do.  She won't have the memories of being crammed in a church pew with people who are only there because they are afraid of going to hell if they aren't.  God is part of EVERY single day in our home, not just holidays.  Besides, holidays are about being with the ones you love.  Not about trees or baskets or balloons or even cake.  It's about spending time with the ones who make life worth living.  And if you live your life right?  Every day is a holiday and a blessing....at least it is for me <3 p="">

Finding the balance within myself

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I see.  I've had so many come to Jesus moments in the past 8 years and I've always come out as a bigger, better  version of the person I was before it. I'm struggling at the moment with deciding when enough is enough.  When is it time to just embrace the flawed human being I see when I look in that mirror.  When do my feelings matter more than others needs and wants of me?  I struggle with this every day.  My greatest strength and weakness is wanting the people in my life to be happy....sometimes at my own expense.  I've never felt like my needs and feelings should come first.  However, with that being said, I've realized that sometimes I only think about my own feelings and I don't realize that others sometimes feel things just as strongly---see the quandary?  This is why I struggle.  Am I being too selfish or too selfless?  I feel like there are 2 people inside of me fighting each other.  Can I find the blend?  The best of both of them, therefore creating the best version of me?  Or should I just allow me to be me and those who love me, truly love me, will accept me for who I am and if someone can't then I guess that's important to know.

I appear to be a strong, confident, independent woman.  In some ways I am just that.  With the outside world, people who don't matter in my life yes....I am that person. I really don't care what others think of me in outside world, their opinions are not personal to me. To those that I love...especially in a romantic sense....I am a marshmallow.  I have no spine.  I lose myself in trying to please them.  When parts of my personality come out that they don't like or that frustrates them I try to change it.  Sometimes I'm successful and I become a better version of myself.  Sometimes I'm successful and I lose part of myself that maybe should have been embraced. How do I decide?  What about the parts of me that no matter how hard I try I can't overcome? When do I throw in the towel and just embrace the crazy and let the chips fall where they may? I try so hard to have peace in my life that sometimes it causes a tornado inside of myself.  Then it comes out in destructive ways sometimes, because I'm forcing myself to swallow things that I just can't seem to get down.  It's a form of self-sabotage, I suppose.  I don't know.  I do know that I'm tired. For some reason that I have not been able to figure out (except for a tiny incident when I was about 5 years old) I need to be first to someone.  I need someone to put me before everything else in their life-always.  I need that proof and I need it daily.  Sounds like a lot I know.  Sounds needy....I GET it.  But I cannot overcome this need.  I've been trying for YEARS to overcome it....because I've been disappointed time and time and time again because I've never been that to anyone.  Maybe it's unrealistic.  But guess what?  It's not!  Because I do it.  I do it all the time.  So, is it unfair to want this?  I'm trying still to get over this need.  I just can't do it.    This journey to self discovery and self work is a hard one.  And I know it never ends.  But right now?  I need a break from it.  I need to just allow myself to be me and give myself the love and devotion that I give those close to me.  And I need to realize that I may never receive that same devotion back from anyone other than myself.  And I need to be okay with that, I need to realize that not everyone needs or wants that kind of devotion.  I learned it the hard way with my oldest son.  Maybe it's time to take it easy on myself.  Maybe that's my newest lesson....