And when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on,then remembering will have to do

A mere 24 months ago today my mother took her last breath on this earth.  It feels like decades.  I don't want to be that person who focuses on one day every year and mourns.  I have many days throughout the year that hit me about my mom.  My parent's anniversary just passed a few days ago.  Valentines day was the last day I saw her alive.  So basically February plain sucks in my world for now.  There are good points (there always are whether you see them or not is up to you) to this horrific month.  My kids and I talk about my mom a lot this month.  Last night we had a family dinner (which isn't as common as it used to be) and we all shared stories about her.  We cried.  My daughter is really struggling right now.  She was with me at the end taking care of her.  She walked her back and forth to the bathroom, brought her water and ice, cleaned up her spills from her unsteady hands, helped with her oxygen tank and sat with her at what would have been her last chemo treatment.  A lot for an 11 year old to deal with, especially because at the tender age of 5 she did it with her brother. It's coming out now in bits and pieces how hard it was for her.  My creme filling son has other things he deals with.  She's the only person who truly knew what he went through during cancer.  They had a few heart to hearts while she was sick and he misses her for so many other things too.  My oldest son shared memories of when he was little and would rise with the roosters and my mom would be in the bathroom doing her make up (she never slept I swear) and he'd sit and chat with her for an hour or so before everyone woke up.  We each have our own moments that stand out.  For me the memories come in bits and pieces.  A certain look.  Her laugh.  Her chastising me for speaking the truth (although she LOVED it!) with a "Tina bellina!" she'd say as she laughed because she knew what I said was truth.  I've become OBSESSED with the Wahlberg family because their mom, Alma, reminds me SO much of my mom.  The way she laughs, her reactions to things, her funny comments.  It's like having my mom here whenever I watch her on TV.

I was angry at her when she died.  I had a lot of pent up emotions and hurts that I never let out.  I didn't mourn for probably the first year.  I think I've written about that.  I've let go of all of that and just remembered the good things.  The other night while I watched "This is Us" it was all too much for me.  Seeing Randall's father in bed, riddled with cancer and the oxygen tube on his nose I lost my shit.  Well....I waited until my Lulu went to bed and THEN I lost my shit.  I looked over at her during that part and she had tears streaming down her face.  We exchanged a glance and I said "too familiar, huh Lu?"  she nodded.  After she went to sleep I sobbed like a child and my creme filling son just held me tight and let me.  I would like to be brave and strong and not let my kids see me like that, but it's impossible.  They know me too well.  We are too close, I can't get away with it. I knew my mom that way.  As an adult.  I could take one look at her and KNOW if something set her off or what she was thinking.  After I caught my breath I was determined not to let myself get immersed in the sadness.  My mom would not want that. My favorite conversations where when I'd make her laugh until she couldn't breathe and she would howl and say her stomach hurt.  There was no better sound to me than that laugh and knowing I was the reason she was laughing.

My mom was a very complex yet simple woman...I know contradictory.  The person she showed to the world was always happy go lucky and sweet and kind.  I was fortunate to see the real her.  She was all of those things, of course, but I was one of the very few people she let see the other side.  The side that struggled and feared and got angry and sad.  My mom had a tough life.  Her mom died (in front of her) when she was 10 leaving her to be shuffled between her siblings until my Aunt got back from the army and she had a permanent place with her.  Back in her day there were no therapists or sympathetic ears it was suck it up and deal with it.  It made her strong, even though she thought she was weak. She never blamed her past for her future.  I'm determined to be like that and to raise my kids that way. No excuses, just do the best you can with what you have.

My daughter is home from school today, my creme filling son is off of work.  We'll spend the day together which will make it easier for them.  Last year I went to the lake alone and desperately tried to feel what I'm feeling today.  It all comes in time I suppose. Last year I was chasing her.  Trying to find a certain feeling, trying to let the emotions out, trying to feel the "right ones". Today I have peace.  I feel her with me and she's telling me it's going to all be okay. Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

My funny valentine...you make me smile with my heart

I've mentioned before I'm not a huge fan of Valentines day.  Two years ago it became my least favorite holiday for new reasons.  Today marks the last day I saw my mom alive.  I am close to tears today and I refuse to give in to it.  But honestly I think I've become more synical to it all for other reasons as well.  I'm going to put a BIG disclaimer right here and say I'M NOT JUDGING ANYONE!  I'm simply stating my opinion.  Which if you're smart won't mean a rats ass to you ;)   it's just how I view things at this moment in time.  And believe me even 3-6 months ago I didn't view things this way so what the hell do I know.  But here's my take on this commercial holiday.

EVERY DAY SHOULD FEEL LIKE VALENTINES DAY if you're with the right person.  Ok not EVERY day we all have shitty periods in our relationships, even the right ones, but MOST of the time!  Why do we need a money making holiday to get the flower, card and candy companies rich?  Why do we need an EXCUSE to tell the world that we love our person?  Does it make your relationship better because your significant other wrote a sweet testament of love on your face book wall?  Or on theirs?  Why does it matter what anyone else thinks about your relationship if you both know it's great?  I find it shallow.  There I said it.  Sigh.  There was a point in time that I would have killed to have someone do that for me.  But now?  I prefer my relationship to be between us.  We know.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, does it?  My love is a very private man.  He is supportive of the fact that I'm a tell all kind of person, but I'm sure he's not overjoyed at the fact :)..  However, I've realized that he is SO right and I need to put a lid on it.  (I'm not going to lie, I've never admitted another person is right as much as I admit he is....he's lucky I love him cause it's kinda annoying hee hee).  Maybe it's my age, maybe as I get older I see things....no....no that's not it because I see people much older than me still needing the approval of others, whether they realize it or not.

I could easily shout out to the world today that I'm sad because it's the last day I saw my mom alive and that I spent Valentines day for nearly 30 years being disappointed or I could say that I'm so in love right now that every day feels like Valentines day and because of that I think it's stupid?  Does it matter?  No.  Because no one else's perception or opinion of my life is real.  Think of it that way.  YOU know what your life is made of.  Why does it matter to you what anyone else's perception is?  Remember the girl who got flowers at work all the time?  Did you ever wonder WHY he didn't just bring them to her at home?  Yea....because they wanted EVERYONE to see what a great relationship they had.  Sorry I know I sound like a bitch, but think about it?  Wouldn't those flowers have been enjoyed more at home?  I'm not saying these gestures aren't sweet or nice or genuine.  I'm just saying that perhaps the intention behind them wasn't necessarily pure.

But tomorrow I could feel differently....it's just a day in the life.

I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony......

Today I spent nearly 4 hours reading cards and giving spiritual guidance to virtual strangers, yet I felt like I was with family.  An odd family we would be, a 16 year old aspiring Soccer player, the owner of the shop who speaks broken English at best and the mechanic, a gentle giant who reminded me of John Coffey from the Green Mile, and me.  We laughed, we (well they) cried and it was just an incredible experience that left me knowing (as if I didn't know already) that there are no such things as chance meetings.

At the beginning of the week I needed to find someone to replace my son's headlight. My son is determined to learn how to fix things and as a single mom I'm not going to lie it breaks my heart a bit that he has no male presence in his life to teach him. We attempted to do it ourselves but it just wasn't possible to maneuver without me having a heart attack thinking we were going to make it worse.  I wrote previously about how I went into the shop and struck up a conversation/friendship with the owner.  Well two days later my son was having issues with his car running rough and I called the mobile mechanic to come and look at it.  He took one look and gave us an estimate and told us he needed the car for a whole day so we'd have to make an appointment and bring it to his shop.  I took that knowledge and called my new friend for another estimate.  She asked me to bring the car in because she wanted the mechanic to look at it so she could try to save me some money in case we didn't need a full tune up.  I reluctantly rearranged my day and took his car there after I dropped him at work.  She was so excited to see me.  She told me on the phone she wanted me to bring my cards and she couldn't wait to see me because her whole life changed after meeting me.  I couldn't help but laugh because I didn't do anything and I certainly haven't been Suzy Sunshine this past week, but I'd take the morale boost.

I walked into the shop and she hugged me so tightly.  I sat down and there were other customers there so we didn't get started right away.  We talked for a while then finally the mechanic came in and asked me to come outside.  He explained what needed to be done to the car (same as the mobile guy) and he quoted me a price far less than Mobile man.  I was so excited I told him I'd bake him cookies if he could get the car done on Monday.  He quickly replied "Peanut butter" with a chuckle.  I said you got it!  It was so friendly and I felt safe which is something I don't usually feel especially with mechanics.  (My AZ mechanic aside).

We went back inside and I started doing a reading for my new friend.  She called the young apprentice in to translate.  She was teary eyed with some of the messages I gave her and then she asked if I had any information for the young man.  I read for him and he started to cry.  He was totally moved and understood exactly what I was talking about.  The Angels never ever fail.  With that the mechanic came in and my new friend explained quickly that we weren't doing anything witchcraft like it was all light and love.  He quickly sat down to get his messages.  I think he almost fell off his chair when I asked him if he had issues with his knees.  I'm not going to lie I never get tired of seeing people's reactions when I do a reading.  It's SO rewarding to see people have that understanding come over their faces.  He got a bit teary eyed too with his messages and they both realized that they were meant to be working together and they were each an answer to the others prayers!  It turns out she just hired him this week AFTER I was in the shop.  She told me that I changed the whole energy in the shop, I made it "clean" and joyful.  She motioned like a tornado and said that's what I did to the energy.  I was so moved. After I left the other day she turned to the angels and asked them to bring her the right man for the job.  Two days later he called her.  I should never be surprised at these occurrences but I'm not going to lie it still gives me goosebumps and makes my heart beat a bit faster.

I also realized that a good mechanic will come in handy for other business ventures that I hope are coming to Florida.  And they have a huge parking lot that I discussed possibly using for the same venture as well as potential investors she might know. This meeting was definitely divinely orchestrated and it definitely lifted my spirits this week.  They were even kind enough to give me a ride home and I couldn't help but feel blessed.  On so many levels.  It reminded me that I needed to return to my angel readings and that God always gives you opportunities to make a difference in people's lives and for them to make a difference in yours, but you have to be open to it.  I was drawn to that specific shop and that was no accident.  

So pay attention to the divinely orchestrated occurrences around you....because as you know miracles can happen in any day in the life!

For a personal reading visit my website at chatwithyourangels.com

Time to learn a lesson Like Pavlov's dog If same-ing isn't working Why don't you different instead, instead, instead

I've been given signs this week about lessons I still need to learn.  I really really stupidly thought I was done with these lessons.  I've done more self work in the past 10 years than most of Hollywood has done on their physical appearance.  However, when we stop growing we die right?  But it seems my lessons keep repeating because I guess I think I've got it down, but not completely.

We have lived in this house now for 6 months.  My oldest dog continues to go to the left of the sliding door to go out.  That's where the door opened in Arizona.  Here it opens on the right. No matter how many times she goes to the door she continues to do it.  It made me think of the saying "Insanity : doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."  I realized with a jolt that that was EXACTLY what I was doing!

I stopped meditating when life got good.  Mistake number 1.  Don't stop doing the things that got you where you wanted to be.  Meditation is vital to my well being I've learned.  It gets me out of my busy little head and into my heart and closer to God.  Lesson learned....again.  While I was searching for the right guided meditation the other day I came across an Abraham Hicks video with the title "When you're stuck in the asking you can't receive the manifestation".  Duh.  I know this!  Every time my life spins out of control I realize that I get manic and think it's always going to be like this. I try to find solutions, I go over the situation again and again....I get stuck in the problem....which brings more of the problem. I think I have to fix it I have to blah blah blah.  No.  Silly child.  Your job is to accept it and have faith that better days are coming.  I can't TELL you how many times this has happened to me. I learned the lesson 2 years ago but apparently I had to learn it again.  I have released it all and left it to God to sort it out.  I know what I want, the outcome that I desire.  However, sometimes it's not what's meant for you and fighting it, I have learned the hard way, is futile.  I asked God yet again, nearly 2 years after the first time I did it to show me His will.  Show me what is meant for me. Thy will not mine be done.  Last time I did that my life turned around in a magical way.  Things came to me that I never would have dreamt of, better than if I had planned it myself.  But I had to TRULY be open to an outcome different than that which I so desperately wanted.  And it turned out to be the absolutely most perfect time in my life.  Because I trusted.  And I'm going to trust again.  When you've done all that you can do, then it's time to let God (or the Universe if that's what you're comfortable with) do the rest.  What's meant for you can never be taken from you.

I'm usually a very positive person.  I can always see the bright side to any situation. If you've read my book you know that even my 10 year old having cancer didn't change that.  There were many blessings in even the darkest moments.  My problems stem from when I believe in my whole heart and soul that something is destined to happen and it doesn't. Well, at least it doesn't in my time frame or in the way I thought it would.  My problems come from me thinking things are about me when they aren't.  Not every thing is about me or my feelings...shocking I know.  Another lesson I've painfully learned many damn times.  But apparently I needed a refresher course.  Just because I would never react to something the way someone else does doesn't make their way of reacting wrong or bad.  Shocker.  I wonder if I will ever completely learn this particular lesson or if I'll keep getting it beat over my head.  I am usually really good at putting myself in someone else's shoes but sometimes I just can't understand why people do the things they do.  I'm sure people look at me the same way.

My kids and I are very similar.  We think the way we do things is normal, obviously, or we wouldn't do it.  We think everyone does things this way.  But they don't.  Here's an example.  When we go to bed we all go to each other and say goodnight.  Love you.  Give a hug most times.  We come in the house we say hello to each other.  How was your day?  Share pleasantries.  We leave to go to the store or the gym or work, we say good bye, love you, have a good day etc.  My son's girlfriend mentioned to him once that it was strange that we do this.  She likes it, don't get me wrong, but she says she's never seen anyone do this.  Huh?  Hmmm.  Flashback to when I was married and my ex would walk in the door from work.  We all stopped whatever we were doing and greeted him.  My friends all thought I was crazy.  They'd be like does he expect that?  Ummm no.  In fact I think he'd have preferred if we didn't do it looking back.  It was just what I was raised with and I thought it was normal.  Looking back I always was saddened by the fact that he didn't seem to care that we did this.  I should have read the definition of insanity and I could have saved us all a lot of grief.

My point in all of this is that change is necessary.  You have to grow in order to thrive or maybe it's thrive in order to grow.  "Growth is painful.  Change is painful.  But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."  So true.  I love the analogy that in order for a seed to grow it needs to be covered in dirt and kept in the dark.  So is the seasons of our lives.  The beauty is what you do with those dark times....do you curse the darkness or find your own light?

After all....it's just a day in the life xo

What the world needs now is love.....

January was quite possibly the worst I can ever remember.  February isn't looking much better.  I live in a beautiful climate so I can't blame it on winter blues.  It's something in my soul that aches and my brain is allowing itself to set up camp there as well.  I want to jump out of my skin and run away but to where?  No matter where I go, there I am you know?  I need to take a look in the mirror again and realize what I want to see looking back at me.  Ok, done.  I like her.  I really like her.  But honestly?  I think she's too much for most people to handle.  She is kind and loving and funny and real.  She gives far more than she takes and I think most people have a hard time with the depth of what she gives.  Maybe this is why people come and go out of my life so frequently.  Maybe this is why I don't have people who can deal with me on a daily basis.  Except my kids, they can't get enough of me (poor things). So I spend a lot of time alone.  I normally don't mind that, but lately I need more.  So, I once again began my quest for my purpose in life.


Last week my cream filling son and I left the gym and went to the grocery store.  I was wearing a BEAT CANCER shirt.  The woman bagging the groceries asked if I knew anyone who had cancer.  I pointed over my shoulder and said "Yes.  Him".  She gasped and my son chuckled.  I said my mom did too.  She began to tell us about her mom who was battling cancer.  She was in NY and we are in Florida.  She stepped away with us and let it all out. We found ourselves sharing things to help this woman deal with this horrific time in her life.  My son explained a lot about what a chemo patient goes through (have I mentioned he is truly my hero and I am so incredibly blessed to call him my son?) and what helped him and what made things worse.  I shared my experience more with my mom because she could relate to that.  She hugged me so tightly when we left and thanked us both over and over again.  We wished her luck and we were on our way.

I had to take my son's car to be fixed the other day.  I called a few places and longed (for one of the first times) to be back in Arizona where my mechanic and I are facebook friends and I trusted him to make time for me whenever I needed it and to be honest and fair.  So I turned to Google and the first place I called the woman had such a thick accent and said she'd call me back.  I almost didn't go because I thought if she can't understand me how is this gonna work?  I'm so glad I went.  I walked into the office and she treated me like we were old friends.  She took one look at me and said "Your eyes!  Ay dios mio your eyes!"  I was like, huh?  My eyes, I know, didn't have their usual sparkle, I was feeling sad and flat and defeated.  But she saw the light.  She said I had a bright soul.  I asked her if she had psychic abilities she said no.  We talked for over an hour about angels and spirit guides and God and how He shows things and people don't listen.  Turns out she is very much psychic she just didn't know it.  We exchanged numbers and she asked me to do a reading for her.  We hugged like old friends.  These are the people who get me.  I thanked God for the meeting and decided I knew what came next.

February marks the anniversary of my mom's death.  It's been two years since she passed.  It feels like 12.  I realized what my next step needed to be.  I needed to finally put my energy into something that couldn't ignore me or dismiss me and something that needed someone like me.  I signed up to volunteer to help families with children with life threatening illnesses.  To be there for them, shop for them, help with chores.  All the things I know I'm good at and I haven't been able to find the right outlet for.  I signed my daughter up too.  I want her to have tools to focus her energy in the right places and not end up like me figuring it out at 52 years old.  Loneliness is a terrible thing.  Especially when you're surrounded by people who love you.  But unless you have someone who really truly understands what you're going through you feel alone.  Hopefully I can be that to some of these families.  And in doing that maybe I can save myself as well.

After all....it's just a day in the life.

All By Myself.

I can't believe we are halfway through the 1st month of the new year.  Time is flying by and I want it to slow down a bit.  I have been on such a high for so long now that I guess the lows hit harder when they come.  I'm feeling so conflicted lately I don't know how to put it into words.  My soul knows that everything is fine, but my earthly person is having a hard time accepting it.  I've gotten out of my practice of meditating and praying and writing.  I still practice gratitude every day in every thing and I guess that's what keeps me grounded to a degree.  I've finally stopped feeling unworthy of the amazing things that have happened in my life.  That's a huge leap for someone like me.  My children are so good to me, so giving and unselfish and understanding of this journey I'm on.  I give thanks for that every day, and I finally accept that they aren't like most children.  And I don't have to make excuses to make anyone else feel better, I just thank God for the gift of being their mom.

I think I expect too much from people. When I love someone I give everything I have to them.  I stop whatever I'm doing if someone needs me.  I put my own life on the back burner to help someone else. I'm not tooting my own horn, it is just a fact.  Nobody does that for me.  It leaves me feeling sad and I used to feel unimportant.  I don't anymore.  I realize it has less to do with my importance and more to do with everyone else's view of importance.  I place my sole priority on the people I choose to have in my life, everything else is secondary, most people don't think that way.  They think they do, but when push comes to shove they don't.  Their jobs, cleaning their homes, getting their to do list done, it all comes first.  I'm not criticizing anyone's choices I'm just trying to come to terms with my own.  I wish I could change my thoughts and my actions, it would cause me so much less pain in my life.  But I can't change who I am.  I have done so much self work over the last nearly 9 years I don't think I can change anything else.

I went up North over the holidays.  I realized, once again, that I don't belong there anymore.  I also realized that as much as everyone criticizes my choice to live in Arizona that it was living in Arizona that allowed me to become....me!  Had I not moved I would never have been able to change the way I have.  For that I will forever be grateful for that move and my time there.  This path of self discovery is a lonely one.  It takes you and twists and molds you into a completely different person and in order to do that you need to leave behind a great deal of the life you knew before.  The people you were so close to -you can't relate to anymore.  In fact, being in their company can be almost painful to your soul.  If you're lucky and they are meant to stay in your life they change along with you and eventually your relationship resumes.  If not, you are reduced to facebook likes and possible messages here and there or they leave your life completely.

I had a conversation with my sister yesterday.  She told me (which I know) that my entire being is shown in my eyes.  She said people are drawn to me because I give so much with those looks.  I don't see it.  Well, that's not true.  I can feel the love coming from them when I look at certain people because I know the love from my heart is like burning to come out.  I also know that when I'm angry or sad it shows in my eyes.  But in my interactions with everyone else?  Hmmmm.  I'll take her word for it.  It just makes me feel like maybe I love too much?  Maybe when I decide to have someone in my life I just give it all up and I'm an open book and an open door.  I wish so desperately that I wasn't like that.  That I was like everyone else and kept people at arms length to protect myself.  I've tried, but my heart won't let me.  When I love....it's all of me!  The good the bad and the ugly. And I guess, I expect the same from others and that is where I go wrong.  I have to find a way to not expect anything from anyone. I'm a very emotional person and the bubbly me that people love is also the over thinking, emotional, sensitive me that people don't like so much.  I wish I could turn that part off, but I can't.  It's like a bundle from the cable company.  If you get rid of that the other part goes away too.  For the longest time I was shut off.  I felt nothing, no love, no joy, no fear, no hope....nothing.  I was blank.  That came from being hurt one too many times and it became self preservation.  I don't ever want to go back to that.  It's no way to live.  But if I could just turn down the brightness on my heart and spirit just a tad so that I don't feel as deeply that would be great.  What scares me is that I feel the bricks I put up around myself building again and that wall was a bitch to knock down, I don't want to deal with that again.

So....what do I do?  I have isolated myself a great deal from the world at large and it helps a lot.  I suppose that's why there are so many quotes out there about removing toxic situations from your life and being comfortable alone.  I'm feeling that tug to remove all social media from my life.  I've deleted it all from my phone already and that alone gave me some peace.  Wearing my heart on my sleeve is something I've always struggled with and maybe it's time to put a jacket on and toughen it up a bit.  But at the end of the day I'll persevere....after all it's just a day in the life <3

Alone again....naturally

During this time of such huge change I've felt very alone.  Which is so bizarre because in the last week while Florida was being hit with such extreme weather my phone was blowing up with people checking up on me.  I think the alone feeling comes from me dealing with every emotional situation and daily activities on my own for so long.  And lets face it, at the end of the day I'm the one who has to lay my head on the pillow, alone, and the things that I think and feel are in my head and heart and only I truly understand those things.

Last night I couldn't sleep, I turned on my light at 2:00 am and almost instantly there was a knock on my door.  My oldest wanted to make sure I was ok.  He was insistent when I told him I didn't want to talk about it.  Why can't I just BE?  I finally had to get nasty and tell him to leave.  Having an adult child living in the house is difficult.  He seems to forget that we are NOT equals.  Yes, I respect him as an adult and allow him to make his own decisions (even though they aren't decisions I would make) and I don't interfere for the most part in his life.  He comes and goes as he pleases and I'm here if he needs me.  I've mentioned before that he and I have had a rocky road the past 4 years and truth be told I am not sure if I will ever get over that completely.  I forgive, but I can't forget.  And once I put a guard up around my heart it's insanely difficult to take down.  He told me once that I share too much with my children....so now?  I share very little with him.  Practically nothing actually.  It's none of his business, what I do with my life.  Unlike my younger son, my oldest is headstrong and refuses to see anyone else's opinion easily.  So why would I open up to that? It's sad to me because we were so close for so many years and now?  I have no desire to share any part of my life with him.  I divorced his father I certainly don't need to have my son telling me what to do.  Those days are over.  It's a constant balancing act between my children.  My son's are adults now and although I have never and WILL never play favorites with them, I also feel that as adults I WILL make my relationship with them based upon the way they treat me and relate to me.  I know they think there are favorites and that's on them, quite honestly.  As a mother, I will be there for them whenever they need me.  As a person?  I will base my relationship with them on the relationship they have with me.  I am an open book with my younger son.  He is an open book with me.  We think the same, we react the same.  I trust him not to break our trust.  I'm trying to build my relationship with my daughter as she is entering those difficult teen years.  It's a whole different ball game with her.  For one, the boys aren't part of the equation most of the time so there isn't that conflict.  Secondly, she's a girl.  I can relate to her in different ways than I did with her brothers.  I'm trying to help her with the things I struggled with growing up to hopefully help her to avoid that.  She's an incredible young lady and I just hope I can do right by her.  She's so different than I was and am.  She keeps everything close to her chest, she doesn't share her emotions freely.  I'm an open book, always have been, sometimes to a fault.  She's so graceful and almost elegant at times, while my mother used to call me a "bull in a china shop".  I worry sometimes that she and I won't be as close as I want us to be. She's said recently that she feels she can never measure up to my youngest son.  I just wish she'd understand that she doesn't have to.  My relationship with each of them is unique and special in it's own way!

In my life actions speak louder than words.  I have difficulty trusting people's words when their actions just don't match up.  I've been burned my entire life by being sucked in by empty promises and people telling me what I wanted to hear.  I'm trying to be more open and not be so suspicious of people's motives, but it's difficult.  I wish I could open up to my son again the way I used to but I don't trust him not to hurt me again.  He has used the phrase "I'm paying for the sins of my father" but what he doesn't realize is that his actions have made me cautious, it has nothing to do with how alike or different he is from his father.  I base my actions on individuals not as groups.  I don't do blanket assessments, like "men are pigs" "women are bitches", I am a case by case basis kind of person.

I had saved this entry as a draft.  I guess it was a bit too intense for me to finish at the time.  Today, as I reread it my oldest and I have come to a new crossroads.  He's told me so many times in the past two weeks that he's grateful for me, and for how I've always been there for him.  He's out in the world more and different from his college experience he's meeting almost 30 somethings that haven't been blessed with family like he has.  He's old enough to realize that now.  We are slowly rebuilding what will be our relationship going forward.  But we are definitely on the right track.

My younger son was home for 2 weeks recently from college due to the Hurricane.  I realized yet again how much I rely on his friendship.  He brought me back to a happy place just by being home.  He has made some serious life decisions in the past month and he shocks me with his maturity and focus on the future.  He has changed his entire plan for his future and he seems more settled than he has been in a long time.

My daughter did my make up and organized my make up for me today.  We're spending the day doing "girl things" and I think we're going to be okay.

So in the blink of an eye it can all change.....it's just a day in the life.

All I needed was the love you gave...And all I ever knew... Only you

I've been spending a lot of time at Disney World lately....you know, fairy tales....happily ever after....princes....you know the score.  I used to watch it all and think yea...nice story.  How about the real world.  Well......I don't think that anymore.  Because my life.....it's better than the movies.  It's better than the fairy tale....it's the Notebook on steroids.  I've kept it in for long enough it's time to let it out.  Yes, I've mentioned snippets here and there but at the risk of making someone else feel bad I've kept a lot of it to myself....I don't want to be the reason someone else looks at their relationship as less than.  I've been on the other side most of my life and it sucks.  But then my love made me look at it in a different way (he always does!  he's brilliant, I need to preface this with that tidbit)  I told him the other day that I felt like I was becoming a relationship snob.  I am having trouble watching people struggle when we feel a relationship should be as easy as breathing, and if it's not then it should be.  He said, "we're not snobs, we just want everyone to be as happy as we are.  I think that makes us humanitarians".  See what I mean?  He's brilliant.

I'm writing this not to brag or make anyone feel badly.  I'm writing this so that you never stop believing it's possible!  I'm a big believer in positive thinking, so is he.  That's a huge bonus in the easy as breathing department.  No resistance from either party.  No naysayer, no negative Nelly.  Another big plus was that we were friends first.  There was no pressure to impress each other or play games or manipulate.  We were just loving the fact that we found another person who was like minded and we enjoyed talking to.  A lot.  We talked for hours and hours....we still do.  Communication with us is like breathing.  I am the one who still has work to do....I'm unlearning behaviors from the past and he is patiently helping me do it.  We have had our share of "moments" but we are always stronger and closer after them.  That's a huge part of it.  Disagreements and issues should bring you closer and to a better understanding of your partner afterwards.  It's not about who's right or wrong it's about working out the issue in the best interest of the partnership.  I could go on and on about that but let's be honest.....most people that are in unhappy or difficult relationships won't see themselves in any of this and most likely think I'm full of shit.  So be it.

Here's my wish for every person alive.....that they have this feeling.....every minute of the day for the rest of their lives.  This overwhelming love bursting out of them that brings such joy that sometimes (a lot) tears run down their face from pure joy and gratitude for this person who inspires this love.  The feeling that they are with you even when they're not.  That they are right beside you with every step you take and you know they love you back with the same intensity and passion.  You have this partner that you truly (I swear on my kids!) love more every single minute that goes by.  And just when you think it's not possible to love another human being any more than you love them....it happens!  You do, you love them more!  How amazing is that?  And better yet, you know they feel the same.  That everyone around you sees the difference this person has brought into your life.  You're brighter, different in an intangible way.  You're peaceful, happy....it's indescribable.  Even when stress and illness and exhaustion and sadness touch your life deep inside you are joyful and blissful because of this person and the partnership you have.  You have a gift you get to open every single day and it's like nothing you've ever experienced.  I want that for everyone! And I'm living proof that it's possible.

I was struggling a few weeks ago about my purpose...my reason for being alive.  With the help of my cousin I realized that my purpose in this world is to be the best partner I can be for him....to support him and to love him and to always be his safe haven.  To make our home the happiest place for everyone who lives here.  To some people that might not seem like enough...but to me?  It's the most important job in the world and I will make sure that I follow through with it every day of my life.  I'm blessed far more than I deserve with this day in the life.....

If I could save time in a bottle...the first thing that I'd like to do

I spent 4 of the last 7 days in Disney World.  So many observations during that time, for sure, but I think the biggest one was how much time people spend capturing memories instead of living the moment.  Disney actually banned selfie sticks so that people would be present instead of focusing on "capturing the moment".  It didn't stop people though.  Walking down Main Street videoing every thing in front of them.  What were they NOT paying attention to?  Their family and loved ones that they came to the Magic Kingdom with!  As a resident of Florida and someone who can go there pretty much every day it afforded me the luxury of observing this practice without being part of it.  It allowed me to see how I myself have progressed where this is concerned.  My first visit to Walt's world was when I was 7 years old, so I had no control of picture taking, I do remember my parents taking a lot of photos of the scenery. The next trip was when I was 20 and then 22 and I admit I took a lot of scenery pictures.  Those have since been thrown out.  My next visit was when my kids were little. I did take a lot more photographs of them, but I didn't take any of the scenery...I was already realizing what was important when capturing memories.  Now, besides an occasional picture of my kids during a downtime moment my phone/camera stayed in my backpack.  I wanted to enjoy the time with my kids instead of capturing it.

I know it sounds like I'm judging, and I'm not!  My sister is the family photographer and any time anyone needs a picture for something they ask Aunt Debbie.  Living in Arizona for 12 years I often wished she was there to photograph my kids parties or events because that's her thing and she's damn good at it. And she seems to be able to be present AND take pictures.  I don't think that's a skill a lot of people have.

What the picture taking at Disney led me to realize was that people aren't just preoccupied taking pictures they are busy posting them for the world to see.  Look, look at me, look at what a GREAT time I'm having......WHY?  Why do people care if others see the fun, why aren't they more absorbed IN the fun instead of posting it?  I do post pictures of my family enjoying life....but I post it AFTER the fact 98% of the time.  I think that's the part that gets me.  Looking around so many people were on their phone, checking social media....why?  You are with people I'm assuming you love, because you've chosen to spend this time with them, so why are you checking out what everyone else is doing?  This social media addiction is causing people to be so discontented with their own lives it's become an epidemic.  I know, I got caught up in it many times.  Summer's that were so hot in Arizona that we were inside most of the time and everyone else was having bbqs and beach outings, I felt dismayed with my life.  Everything I post on social media is authentic and positive.  If it's a stressful or not fun experience I don't post about it.  I've had people tell me so many times (after I commented about something they posted) that they were miserable and it wasn't any fun at all, yet to the rest of the world it looks like they are having the time of their life.  WHY?  Why do you CARE what everyone thinks first of all and secondly, why try to fake it?  Anyway, I digress, this is not what this post started for.

Being present.  Yes, that's the ticket.  As my kids and I waited on line after line we made memories.  We relived memories, we laughed and just connected.  My son said to me a few times, Jeez ma everyone looks so miserable.  I tried to explain it away and say "well, they're trying to cram it all into a short period of time and we have all the time in the world, so it's different", but it made me think.  I think most people are searching for the next shiny toy, the next feel good moment, the next high.  I've come to realize that MOST moments are those moments if you look at it from a different perspective.  We were in Target the other night on the way home from Disney to pick up a few things and we literally were laughing so hard we cried.  I stopped in the middle of an aisle, doubled over in laughter and my kids were too.  We had just as much fun at Target as we had in Disney World. Why?  Because we were together and we have fun everywhere.  That's not to say we are never upset or less than happy, of course we are, we're human!  But, we try to look at the good in everything, even waiting on a long, sweaty line at Disney World.

My kids tease me a lot about how in love I am with my Prince Charming.  They imitate my facial expression when I talk about him or talk to him and my sister simply says "eye roll" when I gush about him.  They are all happy for me and they know how long I've waited for this happiness that surrounds me now.  On one of our very first dates we were sitting having coffee and there was a family of 3 sitting at the next table and they were each engaged in their own electronic device.  I looked at him and I said "Promise me we will never be like that!"  He immediately said "Absolutely not! No way will that happen."  And it won't....because we've made a conscious choice to make sure that it doesn't.  And it IS a choice.  Everyone has the option of focusing on what they choose to focus on, whether it be social media, television, a book, music or the people they're with.  No one else can make that choice for them.

Sometimes I just feel that everyone is looking for something to fill a void in their life, that empty spot that keeps them searching for more.  Sometimes it's because they are looking for something they think someone else has or sometimes they are just in the wrong relationships and they need to move out of their comfort zone to find what they seek.  Other times they need to look in the mirror to change something to fill that empty spot.  But a lot of times I think it's like Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz....."Everything you were looking for was right there with you all along."  You just have to put your phone down and SEE it.

The moment I wake up....I say a little prayer for you

Answered prayers.....we've all had them right?  When I opened my spiritual page Chat with Your Angels in 2013 probably one of the most non-psychic questions I was asked was "Why doesn't God answer my prayers".....well, I would say He does answer your prayers, but sometimes the answer is no or not right now.  I always felt like God answered my prayers positively so I did struggle with having to tell people that.  Whenever I truly put my mind to praying for something the answer almost always came swiftly.  Was I blessed?  Did God like me better?  I used to struggle with that a lot.  When the darkest times of my life would loom I always knew that God had me.  I didn't worry I just trusted.  I think that was a huge difference.  Lately, being where I am on my spiritual journey I get SO irritated and annoyed and let's be honest, PISSED OFF when people come to me with worry.  Not concern, mind you or occasional nervousness or doubt-I'm talking anxiety and worry.  Especially if these are people that are devout religious people claiming to honor and love God.  Wellllllll then why do you worry?  That's like telling God you don't believe He's got you.  Right?  Think about it!  During my son's entire bout with cancer I only let myself think negatively once----and it wasn't that I didn't trust God, it was that I thought...what if God's plan and my plan didn't necessarily jive in this situation?  But I quickly was reassured that we were on the same page.  When my mother became sick in 2014 I knew it was her time.  I prepared everyone in my family as best as I could that this "was not going to end well".  My prayers were that God's will be done and that my mother was not to suffer.  There's the key.....its the way you pray.  Let me explain further using the most poignant example I have.....receiving my prince charming.

I was in Church yesterday and the Deacon was discussing how we need to pray without ceasing, not to become weary in our prayer.  He discussed the author of "Footprints in the Sand" Mary Stevenson.  I love the poem.  I struggle with the constant praying about the same thing, because I feel like God knows my heart and He heard me the first time I prayed and continuously praying for the same thing is similar to worry.  Not trusting that He will do what is needed.  The Deacon was discussing how prayer doesn't have to be spoken, God hears the prayers you utter in your heart.  Tears began to flow down my face.  I was so moved and so emotional I almost got up to leave.  I felt this peace and this knowing and my angels surrounding me at that very moment.  That was the answer.

I'm a very how and why oriented person.  My love often says to me "does it matter why?"  (Usually when he doesn't have the answer and the answer is "it JUST is").  I finally realized how God brought me the other half of my soul, the perfect match for me.  I am convinced that my mother was up in heaven in His ear petitioning for me and she finally got through to me in a way that she couldn't in the physical world.  She got me to relinquish my control so God could go to work.  I remember the day I finally gave it to God and said "Your will NOT mine be done.  I am open to whatever you lead me to do"  and I finally, after 50 years, MEANT it!  I felt this peace come over me and I could almost physically feel the swift current start moving, as if the dam had been broken.

Over the years I was never satisfied in romantic relationships.  There was always something missing, I was often disappointed and sad and there was an emptiness that could never quite be filled.  I was accused of watching too many romance movies or reading too many Danielle Steele novels, too much Young and the Restless...my expectations were too high I was told over and over.  I never really pinpointed what it was I wanted or needed I just knew I wasn't getting it.  I prayed for things to get better.  I prayed for my partner to change.  I prayed for patience.  I never asked for what it was I needed, probably because I didn't know what it was.  My heart knew, but it never told my head the specifics.  I never saw any couples that had what I was looking for (other than my parents) and that further solidified the fact that my expectations were too high in my mind.  I wanted the Fairy Tale.  The man who looked at me like I hung the moon and the man that I felt the same way about. I knew I wanted someone that made me feel whole and at peace and cherished.  Someone that would always be there for me no matter what and would understand my craziness and love me in spite of it.

When I became a mom my focus turned to my children and that fulfilled something in me that pushed the loneliness and sadness away for the most part.  It was still there, lingering under the surface.  When I decided that I needed to end my marriage formally it was because I realized that someday soon the kids would be gone and I wanted that partner I dreamed of my whole life to be by my side, the one I was told didn't exist.  The springtime day in 2015 that I released that control to God was the day that every prayer my heart never said out loud was able to come true.  God worked in ways that no one would ever believe to bring me the one true love of my life.  My very own Prince Charming. (honestly, Prince Charming could learn some things from my love.  He NEVER would have to walk around with a shoe, he'd recognize me if he was blindfolded, just sayin').

From the first moment he changed my life.  We were just friends at first.  We talked about everything and anything all day every day.  He became my go to guy.  I knew that I could tell him anything and he would understand and always know the right thing to say.  I've NEVER had that before with anyone in my life.  He seemed too good to be true, but we were just friends so what purpose would he have to hide anything?  Days turned into weeks and into a month and we decided to finally express the feelings that were building over that month.  He made a promise to me on that day and he has kept it every single day since.  I have often said that he is the answer to every prayer I've ever had spoken and unspoken and that is why those words in church yesterday hit me so hard.  He is my gift from God.  I am by far the luckiest woman in the world and I will devote my life to making sure that he knows it.  I will continue to thank God every day for this miracle and I will pray for the same relationship for each of our children, all 5 of them.
So, the next time you think that your prayers aren't being answered consider this.....are you praying for something that isn't in your best interest?  Perhaps give it all to God and let Him decide....He knows what's best!  I'm living proof....it's just a day in the life. <3 p="">

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.....

Well once again I'm going to be all over the place.  I've written this in my head about 50 times.  Every time it goes in a different direction.  So, here goes.

Hurricane Matthew is brewing.  Everyone and their mother is freaking out.  I am calm.  I am me.  I am looking at the good stuff, the fact that my daughter has no school.  I'm stuck in the house with my kids and nothing pressing is calling my name.  Some may call me delusional, I consider myself a woman of great faith.  Last week I took my daughter to church.  I haven't been in a long time and it was a magical experience.  The priest spoke about having faith "the size of a mustard seed" and the magical things that result from that.  My faith is so much bigger than that.  Does that mean I don't believe anything bad will ever happen to me?  Of course not, I'm not stupid enough to believe that, and hellooooooo my son had cancer at the age of 10!  My mother died of the same disease....I've had my share of trials in life.  However, I DO believe that nothing will ever happen to me that God and I together cannot handle.

 I have removed myself so much from any negativity in my life that this whole storm nightmare is making me physically sick.  I have a knot in my stomach and I'm jittery and anxious.  Not because of fear but because everyone I know is FREAKING out!  All across the country I have people contacting me, checking on me. It is very very sweet that everyone is thinking about me.  The problem lies in the alarmist mentality that everyone is spreading.  It is upsetting my spiritual balance.  I'm on the phone, answering texts and emails and messages and the more power I'm giving to these thoughts the more it's affecting me.  I need to remove myself from it all.  I went into meditation for an hour today to remove all the negativity.
I don't miss Arizona, however I DO miss the sunshine EVERY day and the fact that all this weather trauma was a distant memory for 12 years.  12 blissful years.  I've thought a lot lately about why the hell I moved to Florida.  But then my daughter gets in the car after school and says "I'm so happy we moved here and I LOVE the rain!"  My oldest son is enjoying his life more than he has in the longest time.  My middle son told me today "I DO love this weather mom".  Ok, maybe I'm the weirdo.  I miss never having to have a conversation with ANYONE about anything but how damn hot it was in AZ.  I miss my friends.  I miss knowing where EVERYTHING is and where to find information.  I miss feeling settled and a part of something.  Then all this hurricane hullabaloo and I'm ready to pack my ass up and run!

Then I think about all the good things about living here.  Someday I'll be able to go to the beach whenever I want (as soon as it stops RAINING!).  I'm closer to my family and I've seen more of them since I've been here than I have in 12 years in AZ.  I'm close to my daddy (but that also means shopping at Publix and being reduced to tears every time because I think of shopping with my mommy for the last 30 years)....I like not feeling like a freak of nature because I'm a New Yorker.  People are friendlier here for sure!  The restaurants are incredible.  We are now season pass holders for the Happiest Place on Earth and that means I can take my daughter there all the time.....lets discuss that shall we?

Last night I took her there for the first time in her life.  We had so much fun even though it rained (shocker) and it was packed and sooooo hot and humid.  It was so nice to know that we didn't have to try to cram it all into one day or two days, we could just relax and enjoy the day.  I thought, hmmm this is worth living here alone!  My son is going to attend college here next year for a fraction of what it cost him in NC as a Florida resident.  He always wanted to go to college in Florida and now he will be living his dream and I will have him only 90 minutes away.  Not gonna lie, I'm doing a little dance with that decision.

Ok, so was moving here a mistake?  No.  I know it wasn't.  I was guided to move here the same way I was led to move to Arizona without ever stepping foot in the state.  I know this is part of God's plan.  And I refuse to worry about any of it.  I know that everything happens the way it's supposed to.  If what I want in life doesn't come to me than I know that God has something bigger and better in store for me.  I realized that I was waiting for the next step to happen in my life.  Spending so much of my time preparing for the next phase, the next good thing, that I was missing what was happening in the current moment.  I refuse to do that anymore.  I've started to live my life again.  I feel like I've spent 2016 preparing for the move, preparing for my son going to college, preparing for other events that have yet to happen and may not happen for a long time.  I need to be okay with being here, in this moment, by myself and know that if that's the way the future is supposed to be than I'll be okay.  God has me and I am blessed far more than I deserve.
So, I'll leave you with this......when you worry it's like telling God that you don't have faith in His timing....in His love for us and in His design for our lives.  Do terrible things happen, such as the devastation brought on by Hurricane Matthew....yes of course it does!  God never promised our lives would be perfect, he just promised we wouldn't have to face it alone.  Trust in Him and please stop feeding into the frenzy and panic that is commonplace in this day and age. (and that INCLUDES the presidential election---oy vey)  Turn you eyes and your heart and your prayers upward and God will provide!

The times they are a changing....

I spent the weekend at my dad's with my daughter and my dogs.  Part of the pull to Florida, for me, was to be able to check in on my dad...cook for him...just be close enough to be able to do exactly what I did this weekend.  Besides the incredible sadness I felt at missing my mother's presence in the home they used to share, I learned a lot this weekend about my daughter, my childhood, and my parenting style.

I grew up in the age where sensitivity was frowned upon and being told to "toughen up" was common place.  I was determined not to do that with my own children.  I wanted them to be allowed to be who they are.  My childhood was also full of...ummm how do I put this nicely....sterotypes about different cultures and people.  My dad is still the same, and I love and accept him that way.  However, I realize that I am not that person.  The things that were so common place growing up feel like a smack in the face now.  Especially when they're said in front of my children.  My boys have developed their own opinions about people and  cultures, but my daughter is still the open book I raised her to be.  She's loving and accepting of everyone and everything...unless they cross her or her family.  Then they are dead to her lol (like mother like daughter).  My daughter's first sleepover in Florida was surrounded by a blended family including transgender people.  She didn't blink.  I am proud of that, that I raised her to accept people even if she doesn't necessarily agree with their choices. And she has DEFINITE opinions on these matters. She's such a strong little ....sorry young woman.  She is what I wish I was at her age!  Hell, I'd like some of her qualities now!

Yesterday she woke up and was all groggy and disheveled...she's a cracker jack in the morning.  I hugged and kissed her and then she went to kiss her grandfather.  He laughed and said "you look like the wreck of the hesperus".  I froze....she didn't react.  She has no clue what he meant most likely and she probably didn't even hear him.  I felt like I was smacked.  I spoke to my sister later in the day and I told her about it.  I said "I remember that being said to me ALL the time ...if my outfit wasn't to my parent's liking....if my hair was a mess...the list goes on.  I don't remember it bothering me, but now?  OMG I would never say that to my kids.  Those tiny little negative criticisms were part of my every day life....is that why my self esteem is less than stellar? There were a lot of other ones that went on this weekend alone and I was transported back to being my daughter's age and remembering that I felt hurt by them.  Luckily she just let it roll off her back, but had I said it to her, or her brothers?  She would have been crushed! My boys are the same.  Their father is very much like my parents (and his parents and probably that entire generation) and I spent SO many moments shooting him a look of death when he would say something like that to the kids.  He would catch it and try to fix it, but a lot of the times it was too late.  My daughter hasn't spent enough time around him to be affected....again, maybe why she has the self esteem and confidence that she does.  I couldn't be happier about those qualities!

Eyebrows are all the rage these days....just like big butts...2 things I had when I was a teenager, unfortunately back then thin eyebrows and no butts were in....story of my life a day late and a dollar short ;)   Anyway, my daughter "did" my eyebrows yesterday.  She researched You tube and took her time tweezing them and shaping them....then penciling them in (getting older sucks, and all those years of waxing them didn't help lol) and she was SO proud of herself.  Her eyebrows apparently are a big hit at school (she thanked me for her genes ) and she took a picture of mine to send her friend.  She told her brothers and anyone who would listen that she did my brows.  I fought back the tears while she did them.  I remembered when I was my daughter's age and I had the eyebrows that she has now....only they weren't the rage.  I felt ugly.  I asked my mom to teach me how to tweeze them and she told me I was too young.  Sooooo....(oy vey) I decided to do it myself.  I plucked the top instead of the bottom and then (because it was so painful) I decided to take the shortcut and shave them!  DEAR LORD!  I wound up with groucho marx's mustache on top of my eye!  I was in 7th grade and the thought of going to school like that was just too much, but worse was having to face my mom and admit that I went behind her back and took matters into my own hands.  I remember when I wanted to shave my legs the same issue happened and I came home from school in tears quite a few times before my sister finally convinced my mom to let me shave them.  (My daughter was 5 when I started doing her legs for her.....she felt uncomfortable in her dance tights so...Nair to the rescue!).  The point of all this is that my mom never realized that she could have made my life so much easier by just understanding my feelings and embracing my sensitivity.  Instead she just did what she was raised with I suppose.  I don't know.  Maybe it was my dad in her ear, quite possibly.  But whatever the reason it deeply affected me.

The whole episode just made me realize how much the times have changed.  I often wonder what that generation would have done with the knowledge we have now?  All the feel good stuff, the let's do better than our parents did etc.  Back then nobody thought about the future, they just did as they were taught or what they thought was right in the moment.  And admitting they were wrong?  Heavens no!  Never!  Apologizing to a child?  Are you crazy?  Yet, my mom often watched me with my kids with tears in her eyes and told me what a phenomenal mom I was and that makes me think that she would have done things differently if she knew she could have.

With that being said, I've made my fair share of mistakes.  I've apologized for them and tried my best to make up for them, but someday I'm sure my kids will be telling a story similar to this one about some way I hurt them or affected them in a not so positive way....and they will do their best to do better with their own children.  Because after all....it's just a day in the life!~

Wake me up when September ends.....

During this time of such huge change I've felt very alone.  Which is so bizarre because in the last month while Florida was being hit with such extreme weather my phone was blowing up with people checking up on me.  I think the alone feeling comes from me dealing with every emotional situation and daily activities on my own for so long.  And lets face it, at the end of the day I'm the one who has to lay my head on the pillow, alone, and the things that I think and feel are in my head and heart and only I truly understand those things.

I'm still confused when I think about what state I'm in....where I'm from....this adjustment is still happening.  It's frustrating to me.  I don't like limbo.  I don't like feeling uneasy or unsettled.  But there's a lesson in this I'm sure.  I'm tired of trying to figure it all out, to be quite honest.  I told my sister the other day that I feel like a worn out security blanket that they keep putting back into the washing machine to get another use out of.  You know what I'm talking about...the one that's in tattered shreds and is barely held together?  Yea, that one.  My kids have been really good about understanding that I'm hanging by a thread.  Their compassion for how much I've been through in the past year and a half is really a testament to the type of people I've raised.  It makes me so happy to see.  They love me, no matter what frazzled state I'm in.  I'm sure they are looking forward to the time when their mom is back in full force....and stays that way.  Guess what?  So am I!  I don't like feeling weak.  I don't like being unhappy and I hate complaining.  So I shut down.  It's the only way I know how to cope with all of this.  I trick my mind into believing things that my heart might not agree with.  This has helped me throughout my life to avoid feeling pain or sadness.  I think that mechanism is malfunctioning because at this point in my life it's making me feel weak.  Like I should just face it and move on.  But I just can't do it.  I tried.  I let that wall down for a while and allowed myself to try to work through pain and sadness and anxiety (yes, that's a new one for me) but I just can't do it anymore.  Not when I don't have an end in sight.  Whenever my kids and I would say good bye to our family we would always be fine when we knew when we would see them again---even if that time was almost a year away---we were ok, we knew there was an end to the time apart.  At this moment in time I have no end in sight to these feelings, so the only way to stop them is to shut them off.

I took my first road trip with my daughter yesterday to see my dad.  I would love to say it was the fun exciting trip I think she wanted but it wasn't.  We have the dogs with us and Roxie cried for the first hour of the trip, I slipped and fell at the rest stop, we hit a horrific rain storm.....you get the drift.  Then I walked into my dad's home and it hit me yet again.  She's not here.  He rearranged the furniture when my brother was here last week and I felt angry. NO! mommy put it that way it has to stay!  A far cry from where I was earlier this year thinking it was good that my dad was wanting to change things.  He has a shrine set up to her.....I lost it.  I had to go into the bathroom because I didn't want him or my daughter to see it.  That was a big mistake because all the memories of my the times I spend in front of that mirror with my mom.  I had to shut it down.  I put on the mask and joined them in the living room.  Then my daughter was talking to her brother at college and the tears came again.  I miss him.  I talk to him every day most of the time texting all day too but I miss him. Then I got a text from my oldest son checking on me.  He asked if there was anything I wanted him to do before I got home.  I told him one thing.  He sent me a picture showing me it was already done.  Tears.  Again.  I want so badly to be my usual happy self.  I miss crying happy tears.  I miss being able to deal with whatever life throws me without skipping a beat.  September sucks.  My spiritual friends keep telling me there's a weird energy, mercury retrograde blah blah blah. I'm sure they're right but I don't like to place blame on anything but me.  I'm in control of my actions and feelings.  People telling me that I've been through so much is getting old, I just want to feel better and be happy.

So, today I begin going to back to my meditation schedule, my morning and evening gratitude and living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.  Tomorrow isn't promised, I know this, so every day I want to be able to say if it was my last one on earth that I would be satisfied with it.  And after all.....it's just a day in the life.

See you....in September!

Well it's been a hell of a summer.  I knew it would be crazy but I didn't really anticipate how difficult it would be.  Actually it wasn't too bad while we were going through it, but now looking back?  It kicked my ass.  Packing up all of your worldly belongings and moving them across the country along with a caravan of 3 cars, 4 people and 2 dogs was a trip.  It was what I wanted....the 4 of us together for one last hurrah.  And it was a huge success.  We bonded and made memories that will never leave us.  Good, bad and ugly the memories are there.  We made the best of it, we always do.  My kids are troopers, and I just am so proud of them!  I honestly don't know many people that could do what we did with smiles and laughter through it all.  And even the tense times, we found a way to make them funny.  Someone commented before we left Arizona that my kids and I say I love you to each other more than most people---like ALL the time.  Hmmm.  I hadn't noticed that, but once it was brought to my attention I did.  Even driving across the country every time we called each other to update the next move with a quick phone call it was ended with I love you.....love you too....I truly thought everyone did that.  Apparently not.  It was a trip that we will talk about for a lifetime.  The imitations of each other and people we met will be part of our interactions for all time.  Then we finally arrived.  It wasn't bad because we had people I love here to greet us and help us get settled for the first few days. Staying with them was like being home and being with family.  I felt really happy. Then we moved into our new home and it hit me.  Wow.  I am really truly all alone here.  I didn't realize how many options I had in Arizona if I needed someone.  The home we're living in is much smaller than the house in Arizona (only 250 square feet, but storage wise?  oy vey! And it's one story as opposed to 2) and a lot more work for me.  My kids LOVE it here.  They just adjusted immediately and love it!  My younger son didn't want to leave to go to college because he loved it so much.

Then, we go to the next huge change....taking my son to college.  I had to leave my daughter and oldest son in Florida while I took my son to North Carolina for school.  I was gone for 5 days.  That was a rough one.  Feeling torn...knowing I had to leave my son at the end of it.  But, we made the best of it.  I made a lot of realizations on that trip.  I realized I'm codependent on my children.  I take all of their problems on myself long after they've released them.  I'm done with that.  I haven't done that with my oldest in a while and now I'm not doing it with my cream filling son.  My daughter?  She doesn't get rattled too much, so we'll see how that goes.  She's almost 13 I'm a bit frightened about the next 5 years with her to be honest.  She's a bit of a wild card.  Leaving my son was too hard to put into words.  On the way to the airport I literally felt like I was going to have a panic attack.  I tricked myself into pretending it was for a short visit.  It worked.  I talk to him all day pretty much, so although I miss his face and his hugs and (I'm crying now) having his company I still have that contact with him whenever I want to.  My oldest son says that his brother will be like Ray Barone in everybody loves Raymond and never live too far from me.  I'm not sure about that but I AM sure that our relationship will always be this way.  And I'm thankful for our connection.  My oldest talks a big game but whenever I'm sitting down alone and he's around?  He pulls up a chair and hangs out with me too.  So why are my children handling this move better than I am?  Why are they doing what I usually do?  Hopefully they've learned from me.  And that even though I'm struggling they've seen me rise to the occasion enough times to have it be part of them.

I just realized that the weather is probably not helping the cause.  It's been rainy and cloudy A LOT.  Twelve years of straight sunshine was very very good for my soul.  But this too shall pass.  And apparently I'm not done learning my lessons and growing into the me I'm meant to be.  I've been told by a few people that I am being WAY too hard on myself.  That I need to just relax and take a breath.  That's not me, that's not who I am.  I expect certain things from myself and I don't like when I'm feeling this way.  Lazy, whiny, sad---I just hate sad-  and alone.  I'm never alone, at least physically, so I don't know where this is coming from.  Actually I do, but there's nothing I can do about it at the present time.

So, as I prepare to kiss the summer of 2016 goodbye this weekend (Labor day will always be the end of summer to me I don't care what the calendar says) I look forward to the rest of 2016 with great anticipation and a sense of peace that I haven't had in a while.  I will continue to adjust to my new home and force myself to venture outside of my bubble.  I will enjoy my new supporting role in my children's lives and listen to my daddy's advice and take at least an hour a day just for ME and not feel guilty about it, because after all.....it's just a day in the life ;)

Feels like the first time

I looked around my home today with a feeling of satisfaction.  I'm ahead of schedule for the moving van this week.  I'm not a newbie when it comes to moving so I know after that van leaves is when the real work begins and the time will run out very very quickly by Friday morning when we roll out of
Arizona for most likely the last time.  I didn't expect to shed tears about this move.  I am ready to move forward with my life, this next chapter for all of us.  However, when I looked at the front door this morning my eye caught the make shift growth chart I made on the kitchen wall.  It hit me then that we have had A LOT of life in this house.  The last 4 1/2 years contained 2 high school graduations, a middle school graduation, a communion and confirmation, sending a son to college and preparing to send a second one, the death of both of my children's grandmothers, the beginning and then ending of so many things.  When I chose this house and we moved it in was the beginning of my life on my own, for the first time in my life.  That's pretty huge.  This was the first time I had ever lived without another adult sharing the load with me or for me.  I look back and I don't even recognize that woman.  She had so much to learn.....and she did it.....in this house.  I wiped down the makeshift growth chart with tears in my eyes and I saw the shadow of a wax stain on the wall to my left.  That happened the first time my oldest son came home for Thanksgiving and I was so excited I jumped on him and we hit the scentsy warmer that was plugged into the wall.  More tears.  My kids grew up in this house.  When we left the house in New York I shed tears because my two youngest kids had come home to that house and taken their first steps their as well.  But I was so excited about moving to Arizona and the prospect of all the new memories we would make I wasn't sad for long.  When we left the home I shared with my ex husband I didn't shed any tears.  Cancer was fought in that house, so many bad memories had taken place there.  Even though that house was built to my every specification it held no sentimental value to me, I was thrilled to move on to the next phase as a single mom.  But leaving THIS home?  This will be tougher than I thought.  WE grew up in this house, my kids and me.  We became the unit that we are right now and that is priceless to me.  We have overcome some of life's biggest challenges and we did it together.  Those memories will stay with me forever and they will be associated with this house, the house I will always consider MY first home.  Even though I've owned 2 homes before and I don't actually own this one, it's mine...ours....

Here's some of the important things I've learned over the last 4 years.

I can really do anything.
God provides.  ALWAYS. (I knew this, it was just reinforced)
Things change all the time, people change all the time, love is born and love dies, and in the end it is all okay.
I will never put my life on hold for anyone ever again.
Death affects everyone differently.
Sometimes the things that you think are meant to be....aren't.
I am blessed FAR more than I deserve.
Friendships come and go and you have to let them.
Never say never, or forever and always....the only thing that is guaranteed is change.
Plans change, people change and the only thing you can count on is the moment you are in right now.
The hardest part about being a mom is knowing when to step aside and let them go.
Your children will sometimes forget all the good things and only remember the bad.  And their recollection could be completely different than yours.  Don't take it personally.
Things that you think are unimportant might become some of your children's fondest memories.

I'm sure there is more but those are the biggies.

My oldest, youngest and I can not WAIT to leave Arizona.  We have been counting the days.  My younger son is conflicted.  His girlfriend is here....he will only be living in Florida for 2 weeks before it's time to go to college. He has a lot of emotion going on.  The next month will be....challenging?  amazing? scary? exhausting?  exhilarating?  happy?  sad? overwhelming? YES....all of the above.  But just like when I walked through the front door of this home 4 1/2 years ago I am certain that the best days of our lives haven't happened yet.  And when it's said and done, this is just a day in the life <3 p="">